HomeThe Whimsical ReturnChapter 02: Emperor Li Is Just a Giant Hammer

Chapter 02: Emperor Li Is Just a Giant Hammer

“Do you also want to drink some?” Hypatia placed little Que’er in the cradle and turned to look at the sentimental Li Tai, asking in confusion.

“No!” Li Tai answered very decisively, and with some embarrassed annoyance.

Hypatia made an “oh” sound and went into the inner room, picked up Li Hui again and continued nursing. Li Tai lay by the cradle’s edge, gently pushing the cradle. At this time, his head didn’t hurt as much anymore.

After a long while, Hypatia finally emerged from the inner room, placed a small bowl at the bedside, then carried little Que’er outside to get some sunshine. Yun Ye had said that weak children should get more sun exposure.

Li Tai entered the inner room and saw the chubby Li Hui sleeping soundly, with a wet nurse sitting on a stool watching over the child. He tiptoed out again, craning his neck to look outside, then lay at the bedside studying the bowl of milky-white liquid.

He pricked up his ears to listen for any sounds around him, then dipped his finger in the liquid and put it in his mouth to taste. It was a bit sweet, smooth, and the flavor was very familiar – as if he had drunk it somewhere before.

Just as this question arose, he laughed at himself. Of course he had drunk it before – this taste should be ingrained deep in his bones, how could he forget? He quickly picked up the small bowl and drained it in one gulp, rapidly wiped his mouth, and hurried out of the cabin.

That flavor still lingered in his mouth – truly something that refreshed the mind and awakened the brain. He removed the strap from his head and tossed it aside. The headache had been cured without medicine.

“Your head doesn’t hurt anymore?” Yun Ye had just slipped over from the Princess ship specifically to check on him.

“No, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Now there’s not a trace of headache. Heart ailments require heart medicine – it was still hurting badly just now, but now it doesn’t hurt at all.” Li Tai felt relaxed all over and said proudly to Yun Ye.

“Coconut milk has such good effects? I’ll go get you another bowl.” Hypatia was extremely surprised and was about to go down to prepare some more, placing little Que’er in Li Tai’s arms.

“What I just drank was coconut milk?” Li Tai’s voice was somewhat off-key.

“If it wasn’t coconut milk, what did you think it was?” Hypatia’s face suddenly turned crimson. She snatched the child from Li Tai’s arms and hurried down from the cabin.

Li Tai, nearly mad with embarrassment and anger, turned around planning to silence witnesses, only to discover that Yun Ye had already grabbed onto the rope and was hastily sliding toward the Princess ship. A burst of uncontrollable wild laughter came from across the sea surface, not even afraid of falling down to feed the fish.

From then on, Li Tai discovered that everyone on the ship looked at him strangely. A maid had just brought a bowl of almond milk, saying it was freshly cooked by Madam Yingxia and sent to the prince to reduce his internal heat. Li Tai threw the bowl into the sea without thinking. If he still had some reason left, he would have thrown the maid overboard too. Bringing almond milk was fine enough, but why tremble like that? Clearly laughing so hard inside she could barely stand, yet still putting on a dignified appearance – disgusting!

“Your Highness, this old man came especially to check your pulse.” Sun Simiao grabbed Li Tai’s wrist and closed his eyes in contemplation. When finished, he quietly asked Li Tai: “Your Highness, aside from excessive liver fire, you are truly unharmed. Could it be that breast milk really can cure heart ailments? Your Highness absolutely must not conceal this – this is a great matter that benefits all people. Please tell this old Daoist in detail what changes occurred after drinking the milk. This old Daoist needs to record it in medical cases for future reference.”

“I didn’t drink milk, I drank coconut juice!” Li Tai roared furiously, then shouted again and locked himself alone in the cabin without showing his face. Bearing the reputation of a milk-drinking maniac was worse than having a headache. That big-mouth Yun Ye had probably long ago told Xinyue about this matter, and then Xinyue would tell Na Rimu. Dear heavens, if Na Rimu knew about it, the entire fleet would know too. Expecting that woman to keep a secret was undoubtedly an impossible thing to accomplish, especially on a ship.

Because on the Princess ship, from sailors to generals, they were all her family’s people. The captain was Dongyu, the boatswain was the Man-Bear, climbing on the mast learning to be captain was Gou Zi, the sailors adjusting the sails and rigging did the ship’s work while also being frequently called by the steward to do miscellaneous tasks – the Yun family’s servants were famously capable.

Those controlling the weapons were household warriors, those exploring waterways were her husband’s disciples, those marking things on sea charts were also her husband’s disciples. The chubby cook could make exquisite pastries on shore and could also make delicious meals in large pots on the ship. The entire giant vessel was a miniature version of the Yun residence – just short of carving those two characters on the ship’s hull.

At this time, the sun was approaching dusk. The scenery on the sea at sunset was the most beautiful – brilliant yet peaceful. The maids leaned on the ship’s railing secretly watching those bare-chested sailors. Xiao Ya lay sprawled in a reclining chair playing dead dog. Xinyue was earnestly and patiently explaining imperial family etiquette to her – who knew if she was listening. Dongnan, Xinan, Xi, and Bei attended to Old Grandmother, discussing with Grandmother what kind of man would be most advantageous to marry.

Yun Mu ran around with Big Dog. Her favorite game was throwing colored wooden blocks from the bow into the sea, then quickly running to the stern and using an hourglass to time how long it took for the blocks to reach the stern. This was because Di Renjie really couldn’t stand Yun Mu’s nature of asking questions until she got to the bottom of things, so he had her help calculate the speed of ocean currents – first, to consume her excess energy, and second, so his own ears could get a bit of peace and quiet.

Wang Cai was threatening the cook, standing at the window of the rear cabin and refusing to leave unless given that emerald-green bok choy to eat. Wang Cai always won. Chewing bok choy, he clip-clopped around on the deck for a walk. His horseshoes completely ruined the freshly waxed deck, while the groom worked hard crawling behind cleaning up.

Yun Ye’s turtle drawings had become even more skilled. Now even with his eyes covered, he could draw lifelike turtles. Only then did he put down his brush. Xinyue walked in with a face full of gossip, flattering Yun Ye: “Oh my, the turtles husband draws are truly lifelike. Look at this little turtle climbing on the big turtle’s back – the emotion between father and son leaps off the paper. Such a rare fine painting! This concubine will take it right away to have it mounted and hang it in the study to add a bit of elegance.”

“Stop the flattery. It’s clearly mother and child – how did it become father and son? If you can’t understand, don’t speak nonsense and make people laugh at you.” Yun Ye sat in his chair, poured himself a cup of tea, and prepared to rest for a while.

Xinyue continued to lean her body against her husband, blinking her eyes as she quietly asked: “Did Qing Que really drink Hypatia’s milk? You must know – that day you came hurrying over from the Qing Que ship, laughing so hard you could barely breathe. When I asked you what you were laughing about, you wouldn’t say a word. If it weren’t for Mister Sun taking a small boat over today to check Grandmother’s pulse, we wouldn’t even know. Tell me.”

Yun Ye remained unmoved and continued drinking tea. This kind of matter couldn’t be spread around everywhere. He knew about it, that was enough – it absolutely couldn’t become known to outsiders. As long as he didn’t say anything, if Xinyue and the others learned about it through other channels, then they couldn’t blame him.

“Actually, you also ate some back then, and even threw a tantrum afterward.” Xinyue giggled. This was her greatest purpose in coming over. “Actually, men with children have basically all eaten some – it’s nothing much. Among us women, it’s long ceased to be any secret. Only you men still guard this as a secret – it’s truly laughable.”

Regardless of Yun Ye’s embarrassed expression, Xinyue went out laughing all the way. Having an opportunity to embarrass her omnipotent husband was something Xinyue never passed up. This was also her way of taming her husband.

The fleet turned into the Yangtze River estuary. Chongming Island already had somewhat of an island’s appearance, with an area of about forty or fifty mu. Yun Ye realized he should record the growth of this island. Being able to witness geographical changes was such a rare opportunity. In a short time, when an island changed from one mu to two mu and then to ten mu, people would be incredibly astonished. But when it changed from one hundred thousand mu to one hundred thousand and one mu, people would hardly feel there was any great change.

Things in the world were also like this. The reason people of the Great Tang felt their lives had undergone tremendous changes was solely because they had been too poor before. In the past, being able to have one millet bun for a meal was something to thank heaven and earth for. Now the dining table was piled with endless flatbreads they couldn’t finish eating, leaving them at a loss all at once – this was an unprecedented scene.

In the second year of Zhenguan, the annual revenue for the entire year was only two million strings of cash. How could such a small amount of money possibly support a massive empire? By now, just the silver deposits in Great Tang banks alone amounted to no less than ten million silver coins, not to mention Emperor Li’s massive treasury. If you have money, spend it! Does it breed offspring sitting in storerooms? What’s the point of the Minister of Revenue acting like a Pixiu beast that only takes in but never gives out? You have to let the common people be able to earn money! Isn’t it said that emperors are parasites? Emperor Li, can’t you display your parasite nature? The pavilions and halls at Qujiang – enlarge them more than tenfold and build them! Your wife has controlled the world’s most profitable and largest textile enterprise for four years now – surely the storerooms can’t hold the profits anymore, right? As long as you’re willing to spend money, no common person will say you’re incompetent. Just settle my family’s wages, that’s all.

The common folk were already experiencing a money shortage. The value of physical goods exceeded the amount of money circulating in the market – this was the government’s responsibility. What’s the use of conquering the entire world when your own doorstep is still muddy ground without a single decent road, and the common people are still just as poor as before? What kind of prosperous age is this? Satisfied just with having full bellies?

Yuchi Baolin was frantically digging canals, planning to raise the canal water level and connect it with the sea. The advantage of doing this was that ocean-going ships could travel unobstructed all the way from the Eastern Sea into Chang’an. If maritime trade was done well, why would Ma Zhou need to kill people everywhere in Shandong? Just let those wealthy landlords farm. In the current era when grain is becoming less and less valuable, if you let them farm desperately for a few years, perhaps market forces would automatically make them give up their land. Never heard of a single agricultural planting region being more prosperous than a region where industry and commerce advance together.

As long as you attracted Shandong’s population to more prosperous regions, let those wealthy landlords cry while embracing their empty, unpopulated lands. The Great Tang now had an entire additional Central Plains region of fertile land. Was land very valuable?

Besides killing people, couldn’t you change to a more moderate method? They all share the same ancestors – is it necessary to kill until corpses lie everywhere and incur such hatred? When you only have a hammer as a tool, besides smashing, there’s no other method. Now it was time to change tools.

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