HomeThe Whimsical ReturnChapter 06: Unable to Swallow Food

Chapter 06: Unable to Swallow Food

“The world is at peace?”

His Majesty Li Er stood beneath a paulownia tree stripped bare of its leaves, savoring these words from Zuo Kui in his mouth. The Hundred Cavalry Bureau monitored every whisper of wind and rustle of grass happening within Chang’an City. The matter of Yun Ye beating He Lao’er had naturally been reported to him.

All five fingers of his right hand completely shattered, his groin and manhood reduced to mincemeat, with absolutely no hope of recovery—this was naturally the diagnosis of He Lao’er’s injuries. The ruthless manner in which Yun Ye had struck made His Majesty Li Er secretly furrow his brow. Although that wastrel son had poor character, suffering such devastating injuries was truly being caught in the crossfire. This boy was establishing his authority!

The locust plague predicted for next July would soon arrive. Whether accurate or not would be the best yardstick for verifying whether that legendary expert truly existed. That Yun Ye was a member of the Yun clan could now be confirmed, but where had he been during those blank fifteen years? People leave their names behind, geese leave their calls—Li Er absolutely refused to believe there could be an expert who lived in such complete seclusion. Xiaoyao Zi, what kind of person was he really? He was even more mysterious than Yun Ye. No matter how the Hundred Cavalry Bureau investigated, there wasn’t the slightest clue. It was as if two people had suddenly appeared in the mortal world. Without roots, without foundation, without a past.

Li Er discovered that this Marquis of Lantian was full of secrets, which filled him with curiosity. The appearance of potatoes, the miraculous body-strengthening techniques, the ironworking methods casually produced, his young age yet easily defeating the learned scholar Huang Zhi’en in the tedious field of mathematics—even Liu Huai was astounded by those two mathematical diagrams, praising them as heavenly creations. In this field of mathematics, he naturally surpassed the grandmaster Liu Huai.

Knowledge couldn’t be faked—it was something real and substantial that couldn’t be stolen or seized. These things already seemed sufficient to confirm Xiaoyao Zi’s existence. Without a powerful legacy of learning, he didn’t believe that Yun Ye alone could calculate such complex diagrams, even with his master it wouldn’t be enough. Learning relied on daily accumulation and couldn’t be achieved overnight—even one or two generations wouldn’t produce immediately visible results. He himself was a great scholar and understood this principle without needing to ask others. Li Er deeply empathized with the hardships of pursuing knowledge.

Tomorrow at the grand court assembly, Yun Ye would ascend the hall to personally thank the court. I shall see exactly what kind of divine being you boy are, and why you’ve disturbed my thoughts.

Wang Cai bit at Yun Ye’s sleeve hem with reluctant attachment. It wasn’t used to its current state—a small skyward pigtail tied on top of its head, the mane on its neck also bound into small knots, and the warm belly wrap replaced with embroidered brocade. Not seeing Yun Ye for two days made it quite miss him. Moreover, several small people in the house kept pestering it all day, climbing up and down on its body. If it hadn’t bitten that fellow in green clothes yesterday and been punished by the master, it naturally wouldn’t tolerate these small people harassing it.

Pressing his face affectionately against Wang Cai’s long face for a while, Yun Ye instructed the servants to pour a bowl of rice wine for Wang Cai to drink. Sure enough, one drink dissolved a thousand worries. Wang Cai’s troubles vanished, and it trotted back to the stable with snorting breaths and a swaying gait.

Yun Ye wanted to replace the small dining tables at home with huge round tables and have some chairs made as well. Thinking of Old Cheng and Old Niu’s personalities, he ordered two extra sets made to prevent them from coming to seize them.

He was truly fed up with the torture of kneeling while sitting, so he drew diagrams and tossed them to the household carpenter, demanding they be made as quickly as possible. The carpenter took the diagrams but couldn’t understand them. After half a day of explanation, he only vaguely grasped half of it. Seeing Yun Ye’s face full of impatience, he didn’t dare ask more and knelt on the ground swearing oaths that he would never spread this knowledge outside.

The old madam stood behind him, not understanding what he was doing. When she finally understood, her expression changed and she snatched the drawings from the carpenter’s hands, pointing a finger at Yun Ye’s forehead with a face full of the expression one gives a wastrel son.

“If you want furniture, Grandmother will instruct the carpenter to make it. From now on, don’t casually draw diagrams, and any diagrams you do draw must be handed to Grandmother to put away. Try giving them to unrelated people and see what happens!” After speaking, supported by maidservants, she took the carpenter to the side hall.

This was the bearing of the true female head of the Yun household. As long as Yun Ye remained unmarried, the old lady had the final say in the residence.

“You must be careful in the future—the Marquis has a bad temper.”

“Really? The Marquis seems quite amiable. When I served him tea today, he even smiled at me.”

“That’s when he’s not angry. Didn’t you see that wastrel from the inner palace beaten into a cripple by the Marquis?”

“That’s because he provoked the Marquis. The Marquis is a military man—when his temper flares, what good can come of it?”

“That was with the Marquis holding back his anger, which is why he only crushed that fellow’s… thing. Otherwise, hmph hmph…”

The conversation between Maid A and Maid B was overheard completely by Yun Ye lying on the low couch by the window. The corners of his mouth lifted upward. It seemed his reputation as a fearless troublemaker had spread. He quite envied Cheng Yaojin, who was accustomed to making scenes and acting unruly in court. Others just assumed he could only lead troops and fight battles. As long as you didn’t provoke him and he posed no threat to your household, there was no need to poke that hornet’s nest. He lived freely for a hundred years, and after death was posthumously granted the title of Prince Lu of Longevity. Rich and honored throughout life, long-lived throughout life, serving four emperors without falling—he could truly be called an oddity in officialdom.

Turning his head to look at the fates of those who fought valiantly in the official arena—Zhangsun Wuji, Fang Xuanling, Du Ruhui, Wei Zheng and others—those who committed suicide did so, those whose homes were raided were raided, those whose clans were exterminated were exterminated, those whose corpses were whipped were whipped. These people were all deity-level figures in Yun Ye’s eyes, yet they couldn’t escape tragic endings. Since he himself was a novice in officialdom, he’d better retract his head and honestly be his turtle, quietly making a fortune—that was the proper path. At tomorrow’s grand court assembly, if he could avoid standing out, he wouldn’t. He’d secure a high-ranking position with little responsibility that didn’t manage affairs—a leisurely post. Just muddle through this lifetime and be done with it.

The food wasn’t appetizing. The household meals weren’t as good as those in the military. Besides meat, there were only dried vegetables or tofu—not a single green vegetable in sight. Soups and watery dishes filled the table. Little Ya ate messily with soup and water everywhere, quite happily. Yun Ye was pitiful, eating rice one chopstick-full at a time, not touching the dishes at all.

The banquet on the evening he returned home two nights ago tasted sweet even if he’d been eating wood, because his heart was happy. Looking at the fat chicken the old madam had specially cooked for him, Yun Ye forcibly endured drinking one bowl of soup before putting down his chopsticks. The old madam looked at him with worry as he tore off a chicken leg and placed it in Daya and Xiao Ya’s rice bowls, then pulled off the wings and gave them to Xiao Nan and Xiao Bei, divided the remaining chicken meat among his several young sisters, then mixed pickled vegetables with rice, swallowed it in two or three bites, wiped his mouth, and finished eating.

“Ye’er, are you not accustomed to eating the household food?” The old madam had been observing him for two days and noticed he only ever ate rice, not even noodles. How could his body endure if this continued?

Seeing the whole family put down their chopsticks to look at him, Daya lifted her chicken leg and placed it back in Yun Ye’s rice bowl: “Big brother, Daya won’t eat the chicken leg. Big brother eat it.”

Yun Ye kissed Daya’s small face covered in rice grains and put the chicken leg back in the drooling Daya’s bowl. “Big brother has many peculiarities. Daya must eat more to grow tall. Big brother has eaten too many delicious things and developed bad habits. You mustn’t learn from big brother, or you won’t be well-behaved.” Only then did Daya hug the chicken leg and tear at it with her teeth.

A grand marquis household passing around a single unsalted, flavorless chicken—this made Yun Ye feel somewhat heartbroken.

“Tomorrow evening I’ll cook. Our whole family can taste what my revered teacher and I usually eat, and everyone can satisfy their cravings.”

As soon as these words left his mouth, the aunt responsible for the kitchen immediately lowered her head and tears came streaming down. Yun Ye most feared women crying, because once they started it was like continuous rain with no end, making one furious yet unable to express it. He hurriedly consoled her, explaining, apologizing, and swearing oaths before finally making the continuous rain stop.

“Wang Shi, let Ye’er cook once tomorrow. You watch from the side and learn. Once you’ve learned it, won’t that be good? I heard from Madam Cheng that Duke Cheng can’t stop praising the meals Ye’er makes. This old body also wants to taste exactly how delicious they are to make the Duke remember them so fondly.” The old madam spoke, and naturally the aunt went along without further persuading Yun Ye.

“All of you save your appetites for when I return from the palace tomorrow. I’ll make you an unforgettable feast.” When it came to food, Yun Ye was quite confident.

“From childhood my master held me as we ate our way across the great rivers, north and south, both banks of the Yellow River. To speak disrespectfully of my teacher for a moment, he was simply someone with a good palate. As they say, ‘in eating, nothing is too refined; in meat, nothing too finely cut.’ How could ordinary food enter his eyes? Western Region roasted whole lamb, Dashi barbecued meat skewers—my master designated all these as coarse and rough food. How could barbarian peoples beyond our borders know the exquisite beauty of our Celestial Dynasty’s cuisine? Chicken meat alone has dozens of preparation methods—pan-fried, roasted, stewed, boiled, deep-fried. He could even use a lump of mud and a few lotus leaves to create the supremely delicious Beggar’s Chicken. Even pork, which everyone looks down upon and considers dirty, could be transformed into dozens of grand dishes in his hands.”

“Later when I grew up, Master no longer cooked himself. All the food came from my hands. Although I didn’t learn Master’s vast ocean of knowledge, I learned the skill of cooking to perfection. Even Master said I was a born foodie.” Yun Ye slowly instilled his past into the whole family. This wasn’t deception—it was to thoroughly integrate into this family. Thus various foods from the later era continuously appeared in the minds of the entire family.

Several young girls drooled profusely, their faces full of longing. The old madam listened with smiling eyes to Yun Ye’s slightly self-deprecating narrative. Even the aunt who had just been crying uncontrollably listened with rapt attention.

Yun Ye smiled secretly to himself, then began speaking of the enchanting scenery beyond the borders, strange customs and peculiar practices. Just the mention of people of various colors made everyone’s mouths hang open.

“Big brother, are African people really black? Blacker than charcoal?” Run Niang looked at the charcoal in the basin and asked her brother.

“Except for their teeth being white, their whole bodies are black. If they fell into a pile of charcoal and didn’t open their mouths, you couldn’t find them. Besides, there might be black people in Chang’an City—though they’re called Kunlun slaves. When there’s an opportunity, I’ll take you to see them.”

Seeing the sky gradually darken and the time for roll call at the Left Martial Guard approaching, Yun Ye was about to depart when Zhuang Santing came to report that General Cheng had specially permitted Yun Ye to rejoin the troops tomorrow morning at the court assembly. Little Ya saw that her brother didn’t need to leave and threw herself on Yun Ye, refusing to come down. The whole household, young and old, all showed joyful expressions.

They’re beginning to accept me, Yun Ye thought.

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