HomeThe Whimsical ReturnChapter 08: Bathing and Delicious Food

Chapter 08: Bathing and Delicious Food

Looking down on kowtow worms. Yun Ye felt that knee joints were meant to facilitate walking, not for kneeling. Zhang and He, the two women, no longer used the ordinary squatting courtesy but prostrated themselves on the ground kowtowing, sobbing incoherently. Zhang Cheng was somewhat envious and quickly replied on behalf of the two women: “Young Master’s heart is compassionate—he cannot bear to see suffering people endure hardship. The skills he teaches must be top-notch. Zhang Cheng thanks Young Master on behalf of the two brothers for the grace of transmitting your craft.”

With great difficulty he pulled up the two women. Hearing Zhang Cheng speak this way, they wanted to kowtow again. Yun Ye’s head grew huge. With three punches and two kicks he drove Zhang Cheng away, then said to the two women: “Just some small snacks. You saw the mutton cooking just now—no different from anyone else’s. There are some small tricks in the middle. Watch carefully.” As he spoke, he took the freshly cleaned pine stick, peeled off the outer bark, casually threw it into the meat pot, covered it with a lid and continued boiling. He turned back and winked at the two women: “Don’t tell anyone. This is your secret, also the secret to cooking a good pot of mutton. I won’t explain the reason—even if I did, you wouldn’t understand. Now I’ll teach you to make flatbreads.”

He pulled out the properly rested scalded dough from the wooden bucket, kneaded it in two or three moves, rolled it flat, sprinkled on scallions, rolled it into a dough ball again, then rolled it flat again—a scallion pancake took shape. He smeared mutton fat on the large stone slab roasting over the fire. Seeing blue smoke rising, he spread the flatbread on it. One stone slab was packed full with twenty flatbreads. For a moment, rich fragrance overflowed. All around was completely silent. Looking back, Cheng Chumo’s huge ox eyes were right behind Yun Ye’s head, sniffing with his nose, drooling, wishing he could grab one right now and gnaw on it. Not just him alone—these bastards weren’t doing any work at all, everyone had crowded around.

Seeing Yun Ye’s displeased expression, Cheng Chumo swallowed his saliva and drove everyone away: “Work, work! Young Master Yun is making delicious food to reward everyone. Let’s put in extra effort and produce three hundred jin of salt.” The soldiers laughed heartily and turned to go back to work.

As the sun set in the west, the soldiers who had labored all day rushed hurriedly toward the eating place, only to see six giant wooden buckets lined up in a row. Yun Ye stood beside the buckets holding a wooden stick, stirring the brown solution inside. Cheng Chumo had a scallion pancake in his mouth as he poured finely ground ore powder into another bucket.

“School Commandant, what’s this for? Could it be the School Commandant is also making salt?”

“Making salt my ass! This is for bathing. Every single one of you is dirty as pigs, covered in lice and fleas. Consider yourselves lucky you haven’t caught an epidemic. Listen up—each and every one of you must soak in the bucket, then wash in the river before you can eat.”

The soldiers saw that without bathing there would be no food. They assumed Yun Ye was accustomed to fine clothes and jade food and couldn’t eat without bathing, so they had no objections. How could they know that from their beards, hair, and collars, small creatures were constantly crawling around—just watching was hair-raising. Still eat? Yun Ye thought, could I possibly eat? If these small creatures were allowed to run rampant and there was any infectious disease, wouldn’t a large group die?

In this era without effective antibiotics, Yun Ye really didn’t want to die young. After communicating with Cheng Chumo, he specially took out the wooden buckets for storing salt to use for bathing. He just didn’t take seriously Yun Ye’s claim that bathing could prevent epidemics. For the sake of brotherhood, he’d let him fool around—in any case it was just bathing, not beheading.

“Brothers, watch carefully. This concerns your lives—it’s not unreasonable troublemaking, much less redundant. There’s great learning in this. I won’t explain it. This bath must be taken this way.” After speaking, Yun Ye was the first to jump in fully clothed. Truth be told, he’d also been infected.

Cheng Chumo jumped into another wooden bucket. As brothers, never mind jumping into wooden buckets—even jumping into a sea of fire he’d have to go down. I, Old Cheng, am just this loyal.

Yun Ye soaked inside for a full five minutes, held his breath, surfaced with a bubble in the water, then jumped out shivering, lecturing the surrounding soldiers: “Everyone get in, soak for the time of one cup of tea. Your hair must also be soaked. Did you hear me?”

Seeing these fellows respond listlessly, clearly brushing him off, Yun Ye sternly shouted: “Don’t think I’m joking. Three days from now, if anyone still has lice or fleas on their body, for each one discovered I’ll whip you once, absolutely no leniency. I’ve already requested military authority from the School Commandant. Don’t bring trouble on yourselves.”

Forget about them. Who told me to be an official? After they know the benefits they’ll thank me. Watching them soak in concentrated salt water one by one, Yun Ye took off running toward the river—the salt water stung sensitive parts too much. That bastard Cheng Chumo had run off early.

The scene by the river was too spectacular. Three hundred men wearing only newly cut loincloths squatted by the fire, holding large bowls eating scallion pancakes and gnawing mutton—the sight was too shocking. No one spoke. All that filled the ears were slurping sounds of drinking soup.

Yun Ye wondered if he was seeing wrong. The three thousand pancakes that the kitchen soldiers plus two women had spent most of the day making just disappeared like that. Yun Ye could only eat two of these pancakes, then gnaw a piece of mutton, and his belly was about to burst. Yet these fellows still wore faces full of resentment, saying they weren’t full, while burping and sticking out their bellies, saying there was too little food. Tomorrow they’d switch to hunting—they’d definitely hunt back all the sheep in Longyou. Mutton should be eaten this way to have flavor. All the previous mutton was wasted. These flatbreads were also delicious. How come their own wives couldn’t make such tasty pancakes? When they got back they’d beat her.

The two women came over covering their faces, carrying a large basket containing dandelions, wolfberry bark and other wild vegetables that aided digestion and detoxification—top-grade among wild vegetables.

Yun Ye stuffed two stalks in his mouth and chewed. Eating too much meat in one day would cause gastrointestinal disease. Originally tea would be best, but there was none, so he could only eat grass. Seeing Yun Ye eat, Cheng Chumo naturally did the same, so everyone grabbed a handful to eat. He didn’t want to explain the reason to them—just do it. Why so many questions? Haven’t you seen Cheng Chumo lead troops? Three or two sentences and the fists go up. Wang Cai was well-behaved. He never asked questions. Seeing me eat grass, he came over and rolled up two stalks from the basket to eat. He’s the most considerate of me.

After being busy all day, it seemed their energy wasn’t exhausted. One by one they stared blankly at the moon without sleeping.

The oldest man stroked his weathered beard and softly hummed a song. After listening for a long time, the lyrics became clear: “When I departed, the willows were green and lush. Now I return, rain and snow fall thick.” Just these two lines repeated over and over. Years of warfare were finally expected to be pacified. Everyone had probably had enough of chaotic, disordered life. Having survived a hundred battles, they were full of longing and fear for a stable life. Not knowing whether old friends and relatives were still safe. When they left back then, it was just the good season of green willows—you held my hand and wouldn’t let me leave. This year I’ve returned—why is it heavy snow falling instead?

Yun Ye knew the original meaning wasn’t explained this way, but at this moment, he really couldn’t think of a more fitting implication. For the first time he touched the spiritual world of Tang people. Yun Ye even thought he was already a native ancient Tang person. Otherwise why would his heart ache so much? Glory is won on horseback—new soldiers would have their blood boil at this phrase. Old soldiers wouldn’t. Lucky ones who crawled out from piles of corpses would never trade their lives for these ethereal things. Living to see their families was their greatest desire.

Yun Ye lay sprawled on the blanket basking in the moonlight. Cheng Chumo was enthusiastically pulling the zipper on the sleeping bag back and forth again and again. He really couldn’t figure out how this little thing, when pulled, made two rows of small teeth close themselves, and quite firmly at that.

Cheng Chumo had already swung around Yun Ye’s entrenching tool several times. This strange exotic weapon could chop, dig, saw, and could be folded up to carry on one’s back—a handy weapon for military campaigns. The steel quality was even better than his own hundred-times-folded horizontal sword. When the two struck each other, sparks flew. The shovel was fine but the horizontal sword chipped with a small notch. Cheng Chumo’s eyes nearly fell out. The horizontal sword was a gift from Father on his fifteenth birthday, worth a thousand gold. He’d always treasured it like a gem. In the beginning he even slept holding it. With it he’d broken countless treasured blades of dandy young masters in Chang’an City. Half of Cheng Chumo’s reputation as bravest among the three armies was won by this treasured sword. Now it couldn’t compare to a shovel, and according to Yun Ye, this shovel was used by his family for digging earth.

Thinking of this, he had the impulse to bash his head against a tree. This fellow had so many treasures! One long, one short—two daggers that could cut iron like mud. The blade surfaces had layers of snowflake patterns like pear blossoms in full bloom. The knife handles were made of unknown treasures—jade-like but not jade. Inside grew a lotus flower. Who knew how it grew there? Such treasures yet he used them to cut meat. After cutting, he just washed them casually with water, wiped them with cloth and tossed them in his pack. For this, Cheng Chumo grabbed Yun Ye’s neck and interrogated him for a long time. Only after taking away the larger treasured blade did he forgive Yun Ye’s prodigal behavior.

Cheng Chumo never could figure out why Yun Ye used black glass—worth a thousand gold and difficult to obtain—laid out in small blocks, crafted very exquisitely, connected to a box underneath. The only flaw was two holes on the side—who knew what they were for? When he asked Yun Ye, he wouldn’t say, only insisted not to pick off the black glass on top. In a beautiful small box was a lovely pearl flower for women. Who knew what gemstone grew on it? Yes, grew—nothing wrapped around it, just like the gemstone grew out of silver. When firelight shone on it, the gemstone seemed to come alive, shining brilliantly.

Good heavens! Cheng Chumo completely collapsed. Who exactly was this brother of his? Covered in treasures yet regarding them as dirt. The salt-making secret method that worldly people considered more important than life was casually offered up. Personal items worth ten thousand gold he let him rummage through at will. The treasured sword he fancied was casually given away. He wouldn’t drink anything but fine wine, wouldn’t eat anything but fine food. If others were slightly dirty he’d fly into a thunderous rage. Bowls and chopsticks had to be boiled together in the pot before use. This was supposed to be a young master in distress? Even imperial princes and princesses weren’t this particular. Behind him followed a small horse—that wasn’t a horse, it was Lord Horse. Not only didn’t it work, its temper was bad—it bit whoever provoked it. Now it wouldn’t even eat flatbreads unless fried in oil. After eating pancakes, it still had to chew a few mouthfuls of tender grass. The famous capital wine Yun Ye wouldn’t drink was all fed to His Lordship. At night when sleeping it had to sleep in the tent. Other horses slept standing—it slept lying down. He had to ask, otherwise his heart wouldn’t be at ease!

“Brother, your honored teacher—who exactly was he? You’re already extraordinary. With one move you resolved Longyou’s great difficulty. Now the fast horse reporting meritorious service has already been dispatched. I believe His Majesty will definitely reward you handsomely. Once we’ve gathered enough salt, this great achievement will be set in stone. Tell me about your teacher!”

Yun Ye sighed. Having told one lie, he needed countless lies to support it. So be it. Today he’d tell this lie to the end and make a conclusion: “When I was young and ignorant, I only remember growing up in my teacher’s embrace. Though called master and disciple, we were actually no different from father and son. My teacher often said I was the karmic obstacle in his life. If not for being burdened by me, he should have left this mortal world years ago and attained great freedom. He told me human life is like duckweed drifting in rivers and lakes—fate brings people together, when fate ends they scatter. There’s no need to take life and death seriously. Just treat it as a journey. He and I are both travelers on the way, seeing different scenery, tasting different lives. Now the moment of parting has arrived. Perhaps if fated we might meet again. These words left me utterly perplexed. My teacher has already passed away. His body was cremated to ash by me following his will. What meeting again could there be?”

“Your teacher was an immortal?”

“My teacher was a qi cultivation practitioner, but he most hated talk of ghosts and spirits.”

“Did your teacher beat you? My father often beats me. He doesn’t beat me as much now. Sometimes I don’t even want to acknowledge him.”

Cheng Chumo’s childish words made Yun Ye’s heart ache repeatedly. He was beginning to truly trust him. At sixteen or seventeen years old, normally he put on the appearance of School Commandant for his father to see, for his subordinates to see, striving to act like a qualified military officer. He’d already been to the battlefield twice. Yun Ye believed he was still somewhat afraid.

Though from childhood he’d longed to prove himself on the battlefield and had witnessed battlefield cruelty from various films and shows, personally facing the battlefield must be another kind of feeling.

It was clear he was very lonely. Children of prominent families had to shoulder more responsibilities. What you gain, you inevitably lose in another way—this was equivalent. Yun Ye secretly swore in his heart that just this once, he would never deceive him again. His complete origins could only be known by heaven.

The two women quietly sat beside Yun Ye. In their view, Yun Ye was still a half-grown child. Though clever, though an official, the sorrow revealed in his eyes still made their maternal instincts surge. They had no qualification to comfort him—staying close to him just so he’d feel less lonely.

Cheng Chumo no longer spoke. He originally wasn’t a talkative person anyway. He believed in his brother. He could sense his sorrow. He would just keep him company.

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