The palace gates slowly opened. Imperial guards in full gleaming armor stood on both sides, clearing the Vermillion Bird Gate that directly faced Vermillion Bird Avenue. Civil officials in one line, military officials in one line, proceeded slowly inward. Each person was solemn and dignified, holding their court tablets, as if carrying the implements to defend a city. Yun Ye mentally supplemented the classics: “Can they truly establish the achievements of Yi Yin and Gao Yao?”
Cheng Yaojin disregarded the rules and forcibly dragged Yun Ye to stand behind him. After walking a few steps, he suddenly turned back: “Little Ye, why did you treat Li Ji that way?”
Having anticipated that Old Cheng would ask this question, Yun Ye smiled brilliantly: “If Uncle Cheng beats me, Little Ye will accept it sweet as honey. If Uncle Niu beats me, Little Ye will endure it calmly. If Uncle Qin beats me, Little Ye will willingly accept punishment. If Uncle Yuchi beats me, Little Ye will flee in all directions. As for if Uncle Li wants to beat me, Yun Ye might strike back.”
Old Cheng slapped Yun Ye once, laughed heartily, and said no more. Old Niu emerged from who knows where, glaring furiously, pointing at the place where Yun Ye should stand without speaking.
Seeing Old Niu, he naturally bent his waist, hunched his back, and shrank his neck, obediently standing in the formation. His strange appearance provoked the assembled officials to laugh uproariously. The guards maintaining order looked fiercely at Yun Ye, but seeing he was just a youth, they let it pass lightly.
Fang Xuanling at the head of the line originally wasn’t pleased, but learning that the one causing trouble at the front was a young person, he dismissed it with a smile as youthful ignorance.
Yun Ye personally felt the benefits of being young. Speaking wrongly, acting wrongly—as long as it wasn’t a matter of principle, one could always find reasons for forgiveness. You must give young people a chance to correct their mistakes, right? Yun Ye thought shamelessly.
The Taiji Palace stood atop thirty-six stone steps. Standing below the stone steps, one could only see the upturned flying eaves. The auspicious beasts at the eave ends—the suanni and xiezhi—appeared imposing and majestic under the faint morning light.
Imperial power was supreme. Those pointed eaves that almost pierced the clear sky fully expressed the nobility of the imperial family. Wasn’t this damn thing just asking to be struck by lightning? And it was made of bronze—what an excellent conductor! They even said it had been struck by lightning several times in summer, that Heaven was dissatisfied with His Majesty Li Er’s actions and was lightly admonishing him a few times. The common people all said this. It was also possible that Heaven was advising His Majesty Li Er not to go too far—don’t kill his own father.
Of course, this was Yun Ye’s malicious thinking and couldn’t be spoken aloud. The moment he opened his mouth, his head would hit the ground. An emperor enraged from shame wouldn’t care whether you had talent—even if you were an extraordinary talent, strange talent, or great talent, daring to say such words would turn you into firewood.
Eunuchs—those deformed products that had accompanied the imperial family throughout China’s thousands of years—stood on the high steps, stretching their throats to shout: “The grand court assembly begins. All officials have audience.” Just this one sentence made Yun Ye admire him greatly. The shrill voice forcefully shouted out a meaning of grand righteousness. A talent! He should cultivate closeness with him in the future.
The empty hall instantly became a cauldron of voices. Those finding positions, those stealthily taking others’ cushions, those mutually saluting and inviting each other to sit, those reeking of alcohol yet claiming they hadn’t touched a drop, and more outrageously, there was even a shameless fellow who let out a stinking fart, causing everyone around to fan their noses, meaning “it wasn’t me who farted.” The gentleman who farted was probably among those fanning their noses.
Normally only a hundred or so people attended morning court. The grand court assembly suddenly crammed in over two thousand people—it would be strange if there wasn’t chaos. The queue even extended outside the hall. Cheng Chumo and the others were probably squatting in the cold wind shivering.
Yun Ye gloated. Fortunately, he was a marquis, which was why he could sit in the great hall. All around were uncles over forty years old, and even several grandfather-generation figures, searching everywhere for their stolen seat cushions.
Yun Ye found a good position, back against a huge wooden coiling dragon pillar, two cushions spread on the ground, one cushion leaned against his back. He’d heard the grand court assembly couldn’t finish in less than four or five hours. He’d rest well now—tonight he still had to cook a pig-killing feast for the whole family. He’d specially instructed the housekeeper aunt to select a pig weighing one hundred fifty to sixty jin, kill it, skin it properly, don’t discard the internal organs, and scrub the intestines and stomach carefully with flour, clean them, and wait for his return to begin work.
Li Er emerged—heavenly crown, python dragon robes, hanging pearl tassels precisely level with his eyes. Under the illumination of ninety-nine huge tallow candles, he radiated brilliance, just like later-era pop stars randomly throwing flirtatious glances, making people dizzy and unable to see clearly what the person looked like. This was probably the greatest function of the heavenly crown.
The assembled officials thrice called out ten thousand years. Li Er accepted everyone’s prostrations, proclaimed exemption from ceremony, and everyone knelt and sat behind their small tables, heads lowered and eyes downcast in a solemn state. Yun Ye couldn’t be too outlandish, so he also entered a contemplative state. His long legs extended far out from beneath the small table.
First, Fang Xuanling extolled the tremendous achievements the Great Tang had accomplished in the past year—how many rebellions had been pacified, how many rebels defeated, how much grain, military equipment, and women had been seized. Although there were small-scale locust plagues within the passes, they didn’t affect grain production. Though lower than last year, for a disaster year it was acceptable. The marketplace became increasingly prosperous, taxes were collected more and more, population grew steadily, and so on. In short, the Great Tang’s past year was a victorious year, a glorious year, entirely because of having His Majesty Li Er, this wise emperor, thereby driving all the people under heaven to create such achievements.
Next, Du Ruhui came forward, continuing Fang Xuanling’s flattery. The Great Tang’s past year was a peaceful year. Though there were minor Turkic disturbances, there was the wise His Majesty the Emperor who at the Wei River with three words and two phrases coaxed away the Turks, opening the most disparate example of weak defeating strong. Six riders left Chang’an to covenant with the Turkic chieftain at the Wei River. Through diplomatic efforts, he laid the most solid foundation for the Great Tang to advance from victory to victory. Thank His Majesty Li Er. Under the glorious illumination of His Majesty Li Er, we are thriving and growing. His Majesty Li Er’s great achievements will endure for ten thousand ages.
Du Ruhui’s report inspired every Great Tang official. Just as he wanted to take advantage of the fervent atmosphere to boast a few more sentences, he unexpectedly suffered a blow to the head.
The eternal mirror of humanity, Wei Zheng, wouldn’t stand for it. “Oh! So all of the Great Tang’s affairs were done by His Majesty alone? We had nothing to do with it? We’re all wine sacks and rice bags, soldiers are all weaklings, common people are all lazy bums. The world is at peace? Ridiculous! What about the border people abducted by the Turks? What about You Liang whom Zhangsun Wuji just pacified? Were the Qiang people Cheng Yaojin eliminated made of clay and earth? His Majesty did much work, but not all of it. As chiefs of civil officials, Fang Xuanling and Du Ruhui have moral failings, taking all under heaven’s achievements to solicit His Majesty’s momentary pleasure—they are sycophants.”
A rat in the soup pot, a booger in bread—this described the likes of Wei Zheng. This level of flattery was considered morally deficient? You haven’t heard a real government report. If you heard later-era government reports, wouldn’t you start hacking people? Then explode all over from your entire body?
The grand court assembly at the end of the second year of Zhenguan was the first grand court assembly His Majesty Li Er presided over in his capacity as emperor. It somewhat resembled later-era people’s congresses. The government must report on the past year’s achievements and then look forward to the coming year’s prospects. Of course, the judge was the emperor. In later eras, the judge was the people. Having been one of the people for over thirty years, Yun Ye naturally knew that the people’s rights were represented by a few, no different from the current situation.
Report good news but not bad, the future is bright, the road is winding, victory ultimately belongs to us.
One thousand four hundred years—one thousand four hundred years of government report evolution was just changing from classical Chinese to vernacular. Obscure and difficult to understand, winding and circuitous, the art of speaking was performed to the fullest. More crosstalk-like than crosstalk itself.
Yun Ye let out a long yawn. The reports of the six ministries’ chief officials were like lullaby notes sliding past before his eyes, inducing drowsiness. His heart had long been numb. Government offices—this tool of violent rule had accompanied our growth since the emergence of human classes. What remained unchanged was rigidity, coldness, stubbornness, and buck-passing. He had no interest in hearing them speak nonsense. The great policies of the court had long been established by a few so-called elites. What they were saying now was all nonsense.
Stealing a glance, feelings of admiration suddenly surged in his heart like the Yellow River flooding, utterly uncontrollable. This uncle beside him—couldn’t say whether he was an uncle or what—had three strands of long beard hanging on his chest. While shaking his head and swaying, he didn’t forget to nod in approval, as if the Minister of Works Wen Daya’s tedious report was a fragrant extraordinary document, hearing which made one feel like drinking fine nectar, unable to bear parting with it. If he weren’t snoring and drooling, Yun Ye would feel ashamed of his own ignorance and deeply guilty for his discourtesy. Since this uncle was sleeping, Yun Ye felt that taking a nap himself was truly amateurish—small sorcerer meets great sorcerer.
The morning sun rose higher and higher from the hall entrance. Light passed through the thin mist, gently spreading throughout the entire Taiji Palace. Sunlight naturally had the function of dispelling darkness, whether physical or conceptual darkness. The voice of Dali Temple Junior Minister Dai Zhou grew lower and lower, no longer able to speak those four words “the world is at peace.”
He simply cast aside his prepared memorial: “This minister assumed office at Dali Temple in the first year of Zhenguan. The people’s customs are simple and pure. Incidents of bullying and fighting decreased. Those who commit crimes and violate laws withdrew. The New Zhenguan Policies greatly won the people’s hearts. However, within the prison cells, heads still surge—most of those imprisoned are from Prince Xi’s faction. They had no great evils in daily life. Among them are even several moral scholars. Your Majesty’s benevolent heart illuminates ten thousand li. Why not spread the emperor’s compassion to every corner of our Great Tang? Now that the world is greatly pacified, we truly cannot continue slaughter, letting innocent blood defile our Great Tang’s sacred court. Today, this minister stands in the great hall of Taiji Palace, under the reflection of the morning sun, according to law thrice calls out: Your Majesty, think thrice.”
As soon as these words left his mouth, it was like throwing a bomb into a latrine, causing countless disputes. Those agreeing, those rebuking, those bewildered, those observing—all were present.
His Majesty Li Er clearly trembled once. Prince Xi Li Jiancheng was still a bamboo splinter in his heart. Today at the grand court assembly, someone forcibly ripped open his scab—who knew what kind of reaction there would be. Yun Ye widened his eyes to observe Li Er’s reaction.
Very disappointed—he didn’t have Dai Zhou dragged down and beheaded, so there also wasn’t the scene of presenting the head on a platter for inspection. Yun Ye was extremely disappointed. Li Er released the old, weak, women, and children, close family members and servants. But he didn’t let off a single principal—Dali Temple must strictly interrogate them. All doubts must be completely eliminated. Li Er took the legitimacy of his rule extraordinarily seriously.
The dark clouds scattered. The court hall again restored the harmonious scene of you’re good, I’m good, everyone’s good. When the plump Zhangsun Wuji took the stage, the scene immediately became cheerful—because he was fat, it was auspicious. Eliminating the King of Changle, You Liang, naturally earned merit for the state. Three hundred more households were added to his fief. He was further promoted to General of Agile Cavalry, further granted Duke of Qi Commandery. His prominence was unmatched for a time.
Cheng Yaojin’s face was full of fury. He was only granted County Duke of Lu, his fief increased by a hundred households—he didn’t even get ceremonial regalia. That was fine, but listen to this—Qi was a kingdom of a thousand chariots. And listen to Lu? Where’s that? Never heard of it. Probably some bandit chief in some mountain valley calling himself king of a small stockade. I came from banditry—you can’t make some bandit’s small stockade my fief. This is seriously biased. Old Cheng demands fair treatment.
Li Er was nearly angered to death. Who said Lu was a bandit stockade? Ignorant and incompetent! Lu is the ancient name of your hometown. Your fief is in your hometown—what’s there to be dissatisfied about?
Old Cheng opened his big mouth, satisfied. So Lu was in Jizhou Prefecture!
Yun Ye’s heart was full of gratitude. How could Old Cheng not know where Lu was? He was covertly reminding Li Er not to shortchange Yun Ye, who was about to be rewarded next.
Niu Jinda was promoted to the third rank—neither pleased nor angry, his face completely indifferent.
“Marquis of Lantian County, Yun Ye, has audience with His Majesty.” Hearing himself called, he hurriedly stepped out of line and made a grand bow to the emperor.
Li Er stared at Yun Ye. His gaze seemed to carry hooks—iron ones at that—making Yun Ye uncomfortable all over.
“You studied under an extraordinary person from youth. Your wondrous salt-making technique from Longxi relieved our common people’s lack of salt—this is one. You offered the military body-strengthening techniques. Two hundred soldiers have become mighty troops—this is two. You improved iron-smelting techniques. Hundred-refined steel produces a hundred jin daily—this is three. You offered the eternal miraculous grain, potatoes—merit for the state, benefit for a thousand autumns. I am endlessly grateful. In this court hall, rewarding merit and punishing faults, making full use of everyone’s talents is the right Heaven bestowed upon me, and also my lifelong aspiration. You come and speak—what requests do you have? I will satisfy you.”
“Damn you!” Yun Ye cursed in his heart. If you want to reward me, then just give it to me quickly and decisively. You want me to speak myself—if I ask for your throne, will you give it to me? How would I know what to ask for? Clearly not giving me a chance to speak up. In all the Great Tang, only I’m being screwed over. However, picking soft persimmons to squeeze is also an eternal famous saying.
“This minister escaped death from the wilderness—already the ultimate fortune. With the help of our Great Tang soldiers, I escaped the disaster of wolf’s jaws. To repay with the small skill of salt-making already makes me feel shameless. Your Majesty’s magnanimity in granting me the title of Baron of Ping’an County moved me to grateful tears even more. Body strengthening and iron smelting are this minister’s duty—how dare I use these to claim credit before Your Majesty? The potatoes were found by a sea traveler from the vast ocean. This minister dares not appropriate another’s achievements. I request Your Majesty’s clear investigation.”
You want me to open my mouth myself—I’ll deliberately not open it. I’ll describe myself as worthless. You’re an eternal wise ruler—I don’t believe you won’t give me money and wealth.
“Where is that sea traveler now? Such a righteous person must be rewarded.” Li Er pursued relentlessly.
“That was my teacher’s friend. This minister served him with junior courtesy and dared not ask an elder’s personal name. My teacher always referred to him as the Bearded Guest.”
Whether the Three Heroes of the Wind and Dust were real or fake, anyway two of the three heroes were right in your court. You can ask them.
Sure enough, Li Jing stepped out of line and grabbed Yun Ye, demanding: “What did he look like?”
“Ugly. Face full of curly beard. Black—extremely black. Robust build. Good with a long blade. Could speak overseas languages. Wanted to teach me blade skills, but because he was ugly I didn’t learn.” Yun Ye decided to trick the God of War.
“Thud.” Li Jing kicked Yun Ye flying with one foot, then turned and knelt before Li Er, sobbing uncontrollably.
Yun Ye groaned for a long time before climbing up from the ground. Old Cheng supported Yun Ye while glaring furiously at Li Jing.