HomeThe Whimsical ReturnChapter 38: How Donkey Ears Grow

Chapter 38: How Donkey Ears Grow

“When beacon fires rise, naturally all the people are terrified. Under the chaos of fleeing wolves, deaths and injuries are inevitable. It takes eighteen years to raise a wailing infant into an adult, but under the flames of fire, all is lost. Your Majesty was not wrong to retrieve the remains of soldiers from the previous dynasty. Since our dynasty inherited the legacy of the former Sui, naturally we must seek justice for those soldiers who died in battle.”

“The assembled lords at court were not wrong. The bone mound monument is a poisonous thorn stuck in our hearts—it must be removed. To negotiate its return would hardly demonstrate our dynasty’s magnificent military prowess. Everything was considered from the perspective of the family and nation’s foundation—this cannot be called wrong either.”

“Marquis Yun hoped to complete his mission and reduce casualties among his subordinate soldiers. Employing such vicious tactics was a helpless measure. I have examined the topographical maps—the Liaodong campaign was truly perilous. The slightest carelessness would have resulted in total annihilation. So I have no reason to criticize, nor ability to criticize.”

“Removing all these seemingly reasonable justifications, has anyone truly mourned for those who died in the great fire? I have studied the classics for thirty years. Looking through the history books and counting carefully, years without any military disasters number less than fifty. Since our Great Tang established the nation, there has not been a single year without warfare.”

“The history of Western Zhou began with the Battle of Muye and ended with the beacon fires that fooled the feudal lords. Since King Ping’s eastern migration, the Five Hegemons of Spring and Autumn and Seven Powers of Warring States appeared one after another, then came Qin Shi Huang’s unification of the Central Plains. Ha, it’s all nothing but an exorcism opera where one performer leaves and another takes the stage. Has there ever been a day of peace? Bai Qi buried alive three hundred thousand, Xiang Yu buried alive one hundred thousand, the Yellow Turbans were nearly exterminated by the entire realm, Your Majesty annihilated one hundred thousand in a single battle beneath Luoyang, and now Marquis Yun has consigned one hundred thousand living souls to the flames.”

“I cannot understand no matter how I think about it—this realm is vast! The land is sufficient for all of us to live well. Why must we raise arms? When Guanzhong becomes crowded, we can go to Henan. When Henan becomes crowded, we can go to Hebei. When everywhere north of the Yangtze is full, we can go to even more distant places. The south is still a wilderness—going there would be fine too.”

“Our ancestors could fight tigers and leopards to open up such territories. Can we not do the same? Do we complacently enjoy our ancestors’ remaining blessings, lazily waiting to die while eating well and doing nothing? Don’t we plan to leave something for our descendants?”

“Though I served as an official in Guazhou, I spent ten full years surveying the great wetlands…”

When the old fellow pulled out a huge map drawn on silk from his bosom, Li Er’s eyes flashed with excited light. Fang Xuanling, Xiao Yu, Du Ruhui, and Wei Zheng—all four walked over and bowed deeply to Guan Tinglong before taking the silk from Old Guan’s hands. Each holding a corner, they unfurled it in the great hall.

The map was densely marked with countless mountains and forests, lands, rivers, villages, towns—even some streams were noted. Yun Ye glanced at it and saw the old fellow had completely mapped out Dongting Lake and Poyang Lake. It seemed his claim of surveying those places for over ten years was not empty boasting.

Guan Tinglong stroked his beard and said proudly to Yun Ye, “How long does Marquis Yun think it would take to fully develop such excellent territory? In my view, with a hundred years’ time, we could develop thirty percent of it.”

Unable to stand the old man’s showing off, Yun Ye thought to himself that developing only thirty percent in one hundred years—how could that have any appeal? If funds and manpower were sufficient, developing half in fifty years wouldn’t be too difficult. As long as model regions were established, Chang’an’s nobility would swarm there. It might take only ten years to establish two or three prosperous cities on the shores of Dongting Lake.

“A hundred years is too long. We seize the day and night.” When Yun Ye’s confident words left his mouth, he felt something was amiss. Fang Xuanling, Du Ruhui, Xiao Yu, and Wei Zheng all looked at him strangely. Yun Ye also sensed something was wrong.

Guan Tinglong unceremoniously picked up his official hat from the ground and put it back on. Cupping his hands toward Yun Ye, he said, “Truly a young hero! Surveying our entire dynasty from top to bottom, among young heroes who can command armies on horseback and govern the people on foot, Marquis Yun ranks first. This old man admires you, truly admires you. Marquis Yun, do you think before this old man dies, we could build several cities in these locations? I’ve discovered that these places have flat terrain and border the Yangtze River—they’re rare feng shui treasures…”

Yun Ye’s ears buzzed incessantly. The old fellow’s voice seemed to come from very far away. Looking at Li Er’s half-smiling expression, Yun Ye clearly saw that before him appeared another enormous bottomless pit.

That seemingly wooden, honest old man was truly a master of cunning ruthlessness. What about killing one hundred thousand Koreans? What about causing the deaths of Nanzhao natives? What nonsense about mountain gods beating drums? This old bastard didn’t care at all. Even if all the Koreans died, he wouldn’t blink an eye. This old fellow’s sole purpose was to drag Yun Ye, the wealthy landlord, into his pit of southern development. Having traversed the two-lake plains, he deeply knew that development without money was absolutely impossible. He himself had no money, no people, no power—even wanting to do it was just empty fantasy. So he sought out the fattest pig in court. No one would consider princes, nor would they seek those old established families—if the region developed well and they rebelled, that would defeat the original purpose of development.

Almost no one met all these criteria: having money, power, people, connections, yet not being deeply entrenched. When he perused Yun Ye’s “Elementary Mathematics,” he suddenly discovered this person was very suitable—simply too suitable! Very wealthy and knew how to make money, had an indefinable relationship with the imperial family, and most importantly, this boy was close friends with the Crown Prince. This completely guaranteed the policy continuity of developing the two-lake plains. Moreover, he was young—extremely young. What a fine fat pig!

He asked his old friend Xiao Yu to get him into court. These past days he hadn’t seen Yun Ye at court sessions. Now that he finally saw him, how could he let the opportunity pass? Young people are all impulsive—just provoke them a bit and they’ll jump out on their own.

When he spoke to provoke Yun Ye, he discovered the boy actually didn’t come out. When removing his official hat, his heart truly was like dead ash. Without Yun Ye’s participation, the two-lake development would be like the moon in water, flowers in a mirror. If someone else took over, the consequences were unpredictable—it might even plunge the nation into turmoil. Rather than that, better to say nothing and wait for a new opportunity.

When he was about to walk out the palace gates, Yun Ye actually came forward on his own. Perhaps pitying the old man, he explained his actions in detail. At that moment, the deeply moved Guan Tinglong knew he had already succeeded eighty percent.

Yun Ye felt he must have grown donkey ears on his head. He slowly sat back in his seat and asked the confused Xue Wanren whether he had donkey ears on his head. Xue Wanren, knowing nothing, shook his head. Yun Ye banged his head against a pillar—the bronze pillar actually rang out. The bigwigs in the hall who had already understood burst into laughter, with Li Er laughing most heartily.

One person didn’t laugh and was still crying loudly in confusion. This was more mocking than laughter. With his forehead red, Yun Ye walked over in furious rage and heavily kicked the Korean chief envoy’s buttocks.

Gai Suwen was about to rise when his shoulders felt as if pressed down by two mountains—he couldn’t move. Two smiling eunuchs’ hands firmly pressed on his shoulders. Seeing their frost-like eyes, Gai Suwen sighed deeply and stopped moving. This was Great Tang. While his own nation exhausted all its efforts thinking about how to resist possible invasion, devoting all financial and material resources to building fortifications and forging weapons and armor, his opponent was working hard to open up new tax-generating lands. He could see not the slightest hope of Korea catching up to Great Tang.

Gao Jianwu, this incompetent fool—look what you’ve done! Jealous of the worthy and able to this extent! Now look at Yun Ye—even when he doesn’t want to achieve merit, other ministers coax him like a child into doing things he’s unwilling to do. Yet I, wanting to build a solid wall, am constrained by everyone. With ambitions difficult to fulfill—are my wisdom and abilities inferior to Yun Ye’s? Why must I, Yuan Gai Suwen, be controlled by a fool? Why? Gao Jianwu, I can take your place!

The Korean chief envoy who had been kicked immediately stopped crying. He angrily pointed at the furious Yun Ye wanting to curse loudly, but saw him raising his foot again. He quickly shrank back. This action triggered another wave of laughter in the court hall.

“Yun Ye, you must not be rude to the envoy. Return to your seat. For your unprovoked assault on the envoy just now, your salary is fined for one year. Now stand down.” Li Er was in a good mood. He still had to give the envoy some face. Randomly fining Yun Ye some copper coins was sufficient. He himself didn’t remember whether he had ever actually issued Yun Ye a salary—it seemed to always be under deduction. When lice are many, they don’t itch. Fining him another year wasn’t a big deal. He himself didn’t care, and presumably Yun Ye wouldn’t care either.

The court session said nothing about when to develop the two-lake plains. Li Er kept Guan Tinglong along with Fang Xuanling, Du Ruhui, Zhangsun Wuji, Xiao Yu, and other veteran ministers behind. Everyone else was dismissed to return home.

The atmosphere at the Yun household was very tense. Everyone stretched their necks looking toward the rear courtyard. The Marquis had been pointing at heaven cursing an old fellow named Guan Tinglong for a full half hour. Earlier he had practiced spear techniques for a while—reportedly stabbing a large turtle drawn on paper to shreds. Just now he wanted to shoot arrows but accidentally picked up a three-stone bow he couldn’t draw. Now he was chasing Liu Jinbao to beat him, but was stopped by the Old Madam who gave him a pile of old porcelain to smash to vent his anger.

After all the porcelain in the basket was smashed, Yun Ye himself was so tired he collapsed on the table panting heavily. Xinyue carefully poured her husband a cup of water to moisten his throat. Having just accompanied her husband cursing that fellow named Guan Tinglong indiscriminately for half the day, her throat was a bit hoarse. “Husband, what exactly happened? Did that old undying one harm you?” Li Anlan perceptively massaged Yun Ye’s shoulders. Someone who normally didn’t like to move had gone mad for half the day—his arms might be strained. If he didn’t loosen them up now, he’d suffer when sleeping tonight.

“Today your husband was careless for a moment and fell into that old fellow’s cunning trap, dropping into a huge pit. This pit might take over ten years or even a lifetime to fill.”

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