“People often say that locust plagues are Heaven’s punishment for the Emperor’s failure to cultivate virtue. What does your master think about this matter?” After much hesitation, Li Er finally asked the question he most wanted to ask.
“Nonsense!” Yun Ye knew he needed to maintain complete alignment with Li Er on this issue, otherwise his life would be in danger.
“Your master said this?” It seemed this question had deeply wounded Li Er, who was hoping to find theoretical support from Yun Ye.
“Your Majesty, once I tell you, you can’t kick me.” Yun Ye felt that these days he’d been offending the gods—everyone seemed to want to kick him. Could it be that his backside was particularly comfortable to kick? What he was about to say to build Li Er’s confidence would inevitably be crude, so he’d better prepare some preventive measures to avoid another beating.
Li Er ground his foot on the floor, his expression somewhere between smiling and not: “We’ll see how it goes.” He still wasn’t giving up his plan to beat Yun Ye. Li Chengqian stood nearby gazing at Yun Ye with admiration—this was the only person who could speak to his father in a negotiating tone.
“To understand the relationship between locust plagues and the Emperor, we must first understand what Heaven is.” Yun Ye saw Li Er’s pupils clearly contract. This touched upon the foundation of his rule—his very title was Son of Heaven.
Ignoring his reaction, Yun Ye continued, “Since humanity began keeping historical records, they have been filled with immortals, ghosts, and demons. Not just us—all civilizations on earth are like this. We worship various deities and make various grand vows, but none of them work. Some miracles were merely manufactured by humans, such as the black dragon that appeared when the First Emperor of Qin made sacrifices to Heaven at the Wei River, the white serpent Liu Bang slew on the road, the fox cries that appeared at Daze Village, and then the eerie words from the Eastern Han: ‘The Azure Heaven is dead, the Yellow Heaven shall rise.'”
“Your Majesty conquered the realm through a hundred battles. Your nature is firm as rock. Where your sword points, all evils retreat. The Great Tang’s iron cavalry sweeps across the land invincibly. Your Majesty holds the most terrifying power in the realm, yet you’re troubled and worried by a mere locust—what sense does that make? My master said, what is Heaven? Heaven is simply the general term for power. Every deity possesses the power to overturn rivers and seas, possesses a dignity that people dare not look upon directly. Does Your Majesty not have these things? Your Majesty implements benevolent governance and wins the hearts of all under Heaven—this is like a great river having its source, a massive tree having deep roots. Though there be high mountains and险阻, though there be violent winds and storms, what is there to fear? Master power well, use power well, and Your Majesty will be invincible. As for when there are too many insects, just catch them. While the locusts haven’t yet grown wings, mobilize the military and civilians to catch them, then sell them to me—five jin of locusts for one coin, fair price for all ages!”
“Smack!” He took a dragon’s claw to the forehead. Li Er was furious beyond measure. He had been listening with blood boiling, nodding repeatedly, feeling every sentence and every word deeply resonated with him. If Heaven is power, then isn’t it perfectly fine for me to be the son of power? The Three Sovereigns and Five Emperors were all immortals—why can’t I become an immortal for future generations? Just when he was about to hear something even more satisfying, he instead heard a self-serving merchant’s transaction. How could he not be angry?
“A perfectly good disciple of an extraordinary person—what have you become? Full of merchant’s talk, constantly scheming over a few coins. A perfectly good proclamation, you’ve made it sound utterly mercenary. Is this all your master taught you?”
“The first part was what my master said, the latter part was what I thought. I don’t know why, it just slipped out.”
His forehead had been struck red. Is being a minor official easy for me? You want to be the number one person in the realm, and you already are the number one person in the realm. Should I tell you that the people are the ones with the most power? That your authority all comes from the people? That the people are your Heaven? Although you once said “water can carry a boat but can also capsize it,” that was when you were in your thirties. Who knows if your current level of understanding is that profound? If not, and you order me beheaded, where would I go to appeal my grievance?
“You’re not worried that purchasing locusts will provoke Heaven’s wrath?” Li Er came back to his senses, becoming more interested in Yun Ye’s proposal to purchase locusts.
“Your Majesty, I’ve eaten countless locusts and I’m still fine, receiving promotions and titles. I haven’t even had nightmares at night.” Having just been beaten, he was somewhat impatient.
“Xiao Ye, you eat locusts?” Li Chengqian grabbed his neck, looking like he was about to vomit.
“Yes—deep-fried, braised, stir-fried, and if nothing else, roasted dry on tile pieces. Remove the thorny legs and wings and they’re so delicious!” Speaking of locusts reminded Yun Ye of the insect feast he’d eaten in Yunnan. Without asking what the ingredients were, everyone ate with great enthusiasm, but once they asked the names, several people vomited profusely. Yun Ye seemed to carry savage bloodlines—he single-handedly finished a large plate of “Heavenly Chicken Shrimp Platters” and became intoxicated with it. Heavenly Chicken was locusts.
Li Chengqian looked at Yun Ye’s enraptured expression, shuddered with cold, and moved far away toward the door.
Li Er was much stronger than his son: “You’re purchasing locusts just to eat them yourself? How do they taste?”
“Your Majesty, how much can I eat by myself? The proper way is to mobilize everyone to eat them together. Locusts taste like chicken, only much more delicate—a rare delicacy in this world. In any case, there will be many of these things in June this year. After I carefully prepare them, I’ll invite you and the Crown Prince to try them.”
“Ugh!” Li Chengqian ran away.
He really couldn’t endure this inhuman conversation any longer.
Li Er was greatly pleased, laughing heartily: “I await your locust dishes. If we can transform a disaster sent by Heaven into ingredients sent by Heaven, the theory of locusts as heavenly punishment will become the greatest joke. I await that day.”
“So you’re agreeing to sell me the locusts caught by the military and civilians at five jin per coin?” Yun Ye seized the opportunity to press his advantage—how could he miss this money-making opportunity?
“Granted. Wait, you’re not planning to use locusts to get rich, are you? Come, tell me, let me help you calculate carefully.”
Li Er immediately transformed into a helpful neighborhood uncle wanting to help Little Red Riding Hood, except he couldn’t hide his wolf’s tail behind him.
“You don’t know—as long as you boil the locusts in hot water, dry them in the sun, then grind them into powder on a millstone, it becomes the best protein supplement. Protein is the same thing as the white part of eggs. It can be used as medicine. Regular consumption prevents wind illnesses, treats asthma, balances the blood. When children take locust powder with rice paste, it treats infant convulsions, spasms, night crying and other symptoms. Most importantly, it can treat night blindness.”
Li Er stared at Yun Ye as if looking at a monster. After a long while, he came to his senses and asked: “What is night blindness?”
“It means that most of the common people in our dynasty cannot see clearly at night. This is related to eating too little meat. If they regularly consume locust powder, it will effectively improve their constitution.” Yun Ye was pouring out beans from a bamboo tube, saying everything he knew.
Poor Li Er was once again struck dizzy: “How do you plan to sell your locust powder? The common people probably won’t accept it.” After a long while, he finally found a weakness in Yun Ye’s business plan.
When it came to military and state affairs, a hundred Yun Yes couldn’t match Li Er. Conversely, when it came to making money in the Tang Dynasty, a hundred Li Ers couldn’t match Yun Ye.
The crosstalk performer Feng Gong said it too well: “In the crosstalk world, I sing the best; in the singing world, my crosstalk is the best. In any case, I’m always number one.” These words! So incisive! Using them against Li Er was invincible in all situations.
“To eliminate the locust plague, I imagine Your Majesty wouldn’t mind being the first to consume locust powder.”
Before he finished speaking, Li Er said: “Since I have consumed it, then the officials cannot refuse to consume it, right? Since the officials have consumed it, the noble families cannot refuse to consume it, right? Since the great households have consumed it, then the common people…” Li Er’s expression became wooden, his words without any inflection.
“Your Majesty speaks too well—it’s exactly like that, but not completely. A business plan must reduce all foreseeable risks to the minimum, so I happen to know Sun Simiao. Mr. Sun says locusts truly are a good thing…”
There was no movement in the room for a long while. Li Chengqian pressed his eye to the crack in the door to peek, only to see his Imperial Father’s face ashen, pointing at Yun Ye and crying out in grief and indignation: “My poor subjects of the Great Tang!”