The sun poked its head over the mountain peak, and the entire earth regained its brightness. Xinyue clutched the yellow jade hairpin in her hand, still lost in her dreams. The corners of her mouth curved upward, filled with sweetness. Last night she had fantasized all night long, from childhood memories right up to the present—that little girl wearing a flower wreath, called “wife” by a snotty-nosed little boy. She couldn’t recall the boy’s face, so she stubbornly substituted Yun Ye’s face instead.

This way, there was so much more to fantasize about. Sometimes Yun Ye rode a bamboo horse, sometimes he held green plums. In her fantasy world, Yun Ye was her puppet, to be manipulated as she pleased.

How could she leave out the spectacular scene of him jumping into the water naked? But to show she was properly bashful, Xinyue covered her eyes—though her widely spread fingers allowed her to secretly peek at the men’s bare bottoms, and that strange thing between their legs.

When she was small, she had asked her mother why she was different from those naked children, why she also wanted to jump into the water without clothes. Her horrified mother quickly covered her little mouth, telling her that girls couldn’t go naked—they would be stuffed into pig cages and thrown into ponds.

This answer made Xinyue’s childhood pass in constant terror. The family wasn’t wealthy then. Grandfather served as an official in distant Chang’an, his salary quite meager. The family had many mouths to feed, and Father still had to tend the fields to maintain the family’s basic sustenance.

From a very young age, Xinyue knew she would definitely be married off to a man, and this man might even be someone she didn’t know. In her eyes, this was far more terrifying than being drowned in a pig cage.

She had witnessed a woman being drowned in a pig cage, stripped completely naked—not a single thread left on that woman. The clan elder said since she knew no shame, there was no need for modesty. The pig cage was thrown into the pond without even pausing, bubbling once before sinking down. The woman didn’t struggle, only held her arms across her chest. Xinyue thought at the time that she must have already died.

Everyone else treated this incident as dinner conversation, especially Mother, who spent three full days talking endlessly to her daughter, telling Xinyue this was the fate of those who didn’t follow the rules. How could she know her daughter trembled for three full days?

When Xinyue nestled in Yun Ye’s embrace looking at the distant mountains, she had asked him about drowning in pig cages. She never imagined Yun Ye would give her a different answer—one sufficient to rescue her from her nightmare.

Legend had it that when Nüwa created humans, she first made men. This way, the world was full of men only. Life couldn’t reproduce, and after this batch of people died, there would be no more humans in the world.

After Nüwa made humans many times, she grew tired of this endless work. After creating another batch of men, she extracted a rib from their bodies and, modeling her own appearance, created women. So a man seeking a woman was a process of searching for his own rib.

Some people were lucky and found their rib right away. Others were more unfortunate and could never find it, so they kept changing partners. People were greedy—those with money and power wanted to find several spare ribs, so they married multiple women. That woman drowned in the pig cage had simply found the wrong position for herself. The clan elder’s punishment was excessive.

“You are my rib.” This was the most enchanting love talk Xinyue had ever heard. This phrase made her whole body go weak and burning hot. For this phrase, she would die willingly.

The sun shone on her eyelids, and heaven and earth both turned pink. Xinyue was unwilling to wake up. In her dream, she hadn’t finished supplementing her romance history yet. She had only dreamed up to age twelve, studying together, when that naughty boy put cabbage worms in her hair. She cried in fright, and he was spanked by his stern father while she peeked through the door crack.

That man called Liang Shanbo was truly stupid, or perhaps that woman Zhu Yingtai was too ugly. Three years as classmates, yet he couldn’t recognize Zhu Yingtai was female. If she disguised herself as a boy, would Brother Ye recognize her?

The answer was definite—he would certainly recognize her. Xinyue lifted the corner of the quilt and looked down at her chest. Round and full, it pushed her undergarment high. Even with chest binding, he would see through it.

Just thinking of Yun Ye’s mischievous hands made Xinyue blush. She pressed her hand there, not letting her heart beat too fast. Xiao Qiu had come in three times already. The young lady was still sleeping, not good to disturb her. She knew the young lady had slept very late last night, and today would be an exhausting day. She wanted to let her sleep a bit more. But seeing the young lady bury her head under the blanket, she knew she was already awake.

“Young lady, the auspicious matron has already arrived and is waiting to thread your face. You can’t sleep anymore.” She sat by the bed and began shaking her young lady. Xinyue kicked her feet twice under the blanket irritably, then sat up helplessly. Her long beautiful hair hung over her shoulders as she rubbed her sleepy eyes. Her undergarment was loose, revealing half her bosom, leaving Xiao Qiu stunned. Young lady was so beautiful!

Glaring at Xiao Qiu, she pulled her garment closed and carefully positioned a huge plush rabbit beside her. This rabbit was a birthday gift from Yun Ye—her treasure. Looking again at the hairpin in her hand, undamaged, she finally got up and went to the bathtub Xiao Qiu had prepared to cleanse herself, ready to welcome the most important day of her life.

The Xin household was lively. Her parents weren’t on this side—only eldest brother had rushed thousands of miles from Shu to carry Xinyue out of the family home and hand her to Yun Ye. Now he was nowhere to be seen, hiding in the Academy looking at dragon bones. Reportedly he’d been looking for three days already, and had even accompanied Prince Wei up the mountain. Supposedly this time they’d thrown a cow down from the mountain—who knew if that poor cow was still alive. All madmen! Just arrived at the Academy a few days and already made friends with a whole pack of scoundrels, not even staying home to keep Grandfather company.

Grumbling as she descended the stairs, a kindly-faced old granny sat in the small hall. Seeing Xinyue emerge, her smile grew even more radiant: “What a beautiful child! This old woman has also seen the Marquis of the Yun family—it’s an excellent match.”

Xinyue was instantly surrounded by a group of busybody women. When they reached the bathing area, they showed no intention of leaving. One grabbed a handful of flower petals to scatter in the tub, another took out a bottle of perfume and added half of it to the bath—naturally pocketing the rest up her sleeve.

Xiao Qiu couldn’t get a hand in. The old matron began undressing Xinyue, even pricking her arm with a hairpin. Amid Xinyue’s screams, her wedding journey began.

Xinyue was only pricked once, but Yun Ye wanted desperately to escape through the window. A group of women surrounded him tightly. Seven or eight hands stripped him down to just his shorts, shoved him into the bathtub, loosened his hair and began washing him. Most excessive was pricking him with pine and cypress branches—like filming an extreme adult movie. The old granny leaned on her cane, smiling as she watched her grandson suffer. Cheng Chumo, who was preparing for his own wedding in two months, watched the proceedings from the doorway with a horrified expression. Niu Jianhu, having been through this, wore a sympathetic look. He had already endured this ordeal.

If not for Yun Ye’s invention of underwear, he’d probably be completely naked by now. The white-haired old matron opened her toothless mouth wide. Her hands showed no mercy. Yun Ye knew his back must be in terrible shape—this whipping and beating would drive away not just bad luck but good fortune too.

After the torment, the women left satisfied. Cheng Chumo leaned on the tub’s edge, sympathetically watching the barely breathing Yun Ye. Niu Jianhu handed Yun Ye a bottle of liquor, hoping he’d drink some for courage, and encouraged him: “Grit your teeth and get through today—good days are coming.”

Yun Ye was like a puppet, letting these overly excited women manipulate him. He didn’t know why he had to wear official robes—the same set worn at court. To keep it stiff, it had eight layers of lining. Just yesterday he’d laughed at farmers wearing winter clothes, and today he was wrapped up tightly, airtight. In the fourth lunar month, May on the solar calendar, in Guanzhong, calling it blazing sunshine was no exaggeration. Wearing this outfit, he’d definitely get heat rash.

Marrying a wife was torture, especially in ancient times. Last time he married, though the Western suit and tie looked foolish, this time wearing authentic Tang dynasty attire looked even more ridiculous.

Come, first put on the inner garment, then the underpants—oh wait, wrong order, first the leg wrappings, ties bound around the thighs, all clothes fastened with ties. Tsk tsk, young men look good in crimson robes. Not like my old man who looks like a crab in them. Right, this was said by Madam Cheng. She spoke as Yun Ye’s aunt, but however Yun Ye looked at her, she seemed to be gaining experience from him, preparing for her fool son’s wedding.

A heart-protecting mirror? I’m getting married, not going to battle—why wear this thing? What? All marquis families do this, it’s protocol. Four or five jade pendants tied around his waist, two more jade ornaments hung around his neck, a strip of jade-embedded cloth tied around his forehead—Yun Ye felt he could open a jade shop.

A five-jin heavy precious sword hung on him, a purple gold crown placed on his head. If they added chicken feathers, he’d be Lü Bu himself. After finishing with the clothes and worshipping the ancestors, Auntie Niu discovered a major oversight.

He hadn’t applied powder! How could this be? All the women slapped their foreheads together, dragged Yun Ye back, removed his hat, rewashed his face. They picked out a large red silk flower from the palace gifts, preparing to stick it in his hair.

Under Yun Ye’s resistance unto death, the women only applied a thin layer of foundation. But the palace flower couldn’t be escaped—it was firmly inserted beside the purple gold crown, bigger than his head.

From morning to evening, not a drop of water, not a bite of food. He was just chased out by Grandmother, Auntie, Aunt, and Elder Sister to fetch the bride. Beside him was Cheng Chumo in blue clothes, face pale as a ghost, also with a huge red flower stuck in his head. His bloody mouth seemed rouged, expression vacant. Apparently having him deal with those women from the bride’s family was somewhat unreliable.

Fortunately, Zhangsun Chong, who rushed back from Longyou, was much more reliable. Though he also looked ridiculous—a flower covering half his face—from his smug expression, he seemed to quite enjoy this feeling of being the center of attention.

“Bug, we’re counting on you in a bit. Chumo is already useless,” Yun Ye said worriedly to Zhangsun Chong.

“He just needs to take the beating. Leave everything else to your older brother.” Zhangsun Chong was very confident.

“Take a beating? Who’s going to beat us?” Could the bride’s family be planning to beat demons upon seeing three monsters arrive at their door?

“Yes, a beating—with random clubs even!”