Before the age of eight, every New Year filled Xia Xia with fear and embarrassment.

On New Year’s Eve, Xia Jun would bring home a bucket of cheap sorghum wine and have Wu Li wrap a pot of pork and cabbage dumplings and fry some peanuts to go with the alcohol.

With the Spring Festival Gala blaring at maximum volume on the TV, he would sit on the kang bed taking small sips, while Xia Xia sat on a small stool at the low table below, doing her winter vacation homework. The tungsten filament in the incandescent lamp had aged, casting a dim, weak light that made it hard to see clearly. Xia Xia moved closer to the door, writing by the reflection of snow light through the glass.

When Xia Jun got drunk, he would gesticulate wildly while shouting and yelling, smashing glass bottles that shattered with sharp crashing sounds.

He would often suddenly get the urge to grab her and bring her before him, forcing her to stand still on the stool without moving – if she moved even slightly, he would slap her.

The Spring Festival Gala was boring, but Xia Xia was entertaining – her face deathly pale, eyes red and brimming with tears, shoulders hunched into a ball.

Xia Jun would laugh uproariously as if watching a circus act until the alcohol’s delayed effects would hit and he’d collapse back onto the kang to sleep.

Early the next morning, he would yank a still drowsy Xia Xia out of bed, make her put on presentable clothes and a red knit hat, then take her visiting relatives’ house by house.

Every year was the same. Though young, Xia Xia could read the extreme contempt and disgust in people’s eyes.

Xia Jun would always smile humbly, his lips revealing uneven, tobacco-stained brown teeth as he grinned: “Xia Xia, hurry and give New Year’s greetings to Great Uncle.”

Head down and eyes lowered, Xia Xia would mumble a quiet greeting, only to have her head immediately smacked by Xia Jun: “Can’t you speak up louder?”

The elderly relatives disliked Xia Jun, but seeing this scene made them uncomfortable. They would indifferently pull out twenty yuan as a peace offering: “It’s New Year’s, don’t hit the child.”

Having received the money he intended to spend on alcohol, Xia Jun would smile and say nothing more.

After age eight, Xia Xia moved in with Wei Jinhai.

From then on, New Year’s Eve no longer held its routine fear and humiliation. Life became as bland as plain water. Wei Jinhai lived frugally – he wouldn’t buy expensive meat and fish, wouldn’t buy firecrackers or fireworks, and even the Spring Festival couplets on the door were written for free by the old man who collected recyclables on the first floor of the apartment building.

Wei Jinhai never stayed up until midnight. He would monopolize the living room sofa and fall asleep with bleary eyes by ten.

Xia Xia wouldn’t leave the living room. She would sit quietly in her own small space separated by a curtain, listening to the fireworks outside and watching countless willow leaf-shaped fireworks blooming in sequence across the endless black sky.

After Wei Jinhai fell asleep, she would quietly go downstairs to walk in the snow, building a tiny snowman from the thin, dirty snow accumulated on the ground.

When she looked up again, the dome of the sky would be brilliantly lit by midnight fireworks, and another year would have passed this way.

Last year she didn’t go home, staying alone in Hai City to work.

On New Year’s Eve, the child she tutored went back to their hometown for the holiday. Xia Xia found temporary work at a supermarket where the New Year’s wages were triple the usual rate. But it was exhausting – standing from morning until night without a moment’s rest. She got off work at ten, couldn’t find a taxi, and by the time she slowly walked back to her place, it was already eleven.

The Spring Festival Gala’s song and dance programs were reaching their finale, the atmosphere bustling and lively.

But Xia Xia couldn’t immerse herself in such festivities. She was exhausted to her bones, and after cooking a package of frozen dumplings, went straight to bed.

It wasn’t until she woke up early the next day that she saw the messages from Xie Huai.

Xie Huai had asked if she was asleep, and after getting no response for a long time, tried calling her.

That night he called seven times, but Xia Xia didn’t answer any of them.

Qiao Ru had already prepared all the New Year’s decorations early. Though the Spring Festival couplets wouldn’t be put up until New Year’s Eve, red lanterns and Chinese knots were already hanging on the balcony, with a kumquat tree on either side of the living room, adorned with small bright orange fruits.

The lilies Xia Xia bought were placed by Qiao Ru in the most prominent position on the dining table. She trimmed the stems and watered them with nutrient solution, hoping they would bloom before the New Year.

Many items in the home had been changed to red – bedsheets, quilts, pillowcases – as festive as if preparing for a daughter’s wedding.

Qiao Ru had also bought red underwear and socks for Xie Huai and Xia Xia. She’d asked Xie Huai about the sizes early on, and they fit perfectly.

It didn’t take Xia Xia too long to adjust to the atmosphere of Xie Huai’s family.

All her prior doubts and worries were completely dispelled – that genuine love and enthusiasm couldn’t be faked.

Qiao Ru truly liked her.

Xia Xia relaxed a lot more, bringing out the same adorable energy she showed around Xie Huai, sweetly calling Qiao Ru “Auntie” and eagerly helping with housework.

Dinner was cooked by Xia Xia. Qiao Ru had lived a privileged life for over twenty years and only learned to cook out of necessity in recent years. Even then, she was barely at the entry level of knowing how to add oil and salt to cook dishes through. For Xia Xia’s favorite braised pork and yu-shiang shredded pork dishes, which were more complex, she had asked Xie Huai in advance and practiced at home, failing more than ten times before achieving a tasty result.

For other dishes, she was still completely lost – barely knowing how to make anything.

“Eat more,” Qiao Ru picked up food for Xia Xia.

Xie Huai said smugly: “What did I tell you? Isn’t Xia Xia’s cooking delicious?”

“You have some nerve,” Qiao Ru said flatly. “Xia Xia cooks, what do you do?”

“I wash the dishes,” Xie Huai raised his eyebrows. “I do laundry, mop the floor, fix light bulbs, clean the toilet, and I’m specifically responsible for taking care of…”

Xia Xia stepped on his foot under the table, making him swallow back the “specifically responsible for taking care of her” that had almost slipped out.

Qiao Ru was confused, only seeing that both Xia Xia and Xie Huai were blushing.

Xia Xia was blushing from embarrassment and Xie Huai from pain.

After dinner, Xie Huai went to wash dishes while Qiao Ru took Xia Xia to her room.

Xie Huai tried to peek in but was chased out by Qiao Ru. She had Xia Xia sit on the bed and pulled out a large colorful tin cookie box from the cabinet.

Qiao Ru said: “These are Xie Huai’s childhood photos.”

Xia Xia’s eyes lit up as she took and opened it.

The album was thick, with a family photo on its hardcover.

Xie Huai was small then, looking only five or six years old, delicately beautiful. Qiao Ru had dressed him in an orange-red shirt and tied a small bow in his bowl-cut hair. Xie Huai was being held by Xie Zhisheng, arms around his neck and pinching his ears.

Xie Zhisheng was different from what Xia Xia had imagined.

She had originally thought that the first wealthy man in Zhang City who had made his fortune dealing in scrap metal, someone brave enough to jump into a pool of sulfuric acid, would surely be burly and bearded, with muscles rippling together, at least eight-pack abs, and biceps strong enough for children to swing from.

But Xie Zhisheng was surprisingly refined.

He had the standard height and build of a Northern Chinese man, over 180cm tall, looking slim but not giving off the weakness of a scholar. He wore the same string of bodhi beads that Xie Huai now had, and the frameless glasses on his nose bridge made him look like a teacher.

“This is Xie Huai’s father,” Qiao Ru noticed her looking at the bodhi beads on Xie Zhisheng’s hand and smiled. “The bracelet was given to him by Xie Huai’s grandfather when we got married. He had originally planned to personally give it to his future daughter-in-law when Xie Huai got married, but he never had the chance to meet you, so he could only have Xie Huai give it.”

She blinked gently: “When did Xie Huai give it to you?”

Xia Xia: “Last winter, before we were together.”

The smile lingered on Qiao Ru’s lips as she opened the album to show Xia Xia photos of Xie Huai.

“This was when Xie Huai was a year and a half old. He spoke early, already able to toddle around calling ‘Papa’ and ‘Mama.'”

“This is Xie Huai three years old. He had such a strange temper as a child – at three he still insisted on wearing split-crotch pants and running around outside, wanting every pretty girl he saw to hold him.”

In the photo, Xie Huai wore light blue shorts, bare-chested, showing his soft white belly and private parts. Seeing someone taking his photo, he proudly stuck out his chest.

Xia Xia giggled: “Such a little rascal.”

“He had a peculiar temper as a child but was cute. The older he got, the harder he was to figure out,” Qiao Ru said. “After starting school, he liked to act cool, playing with boy things like toy cars and basketball. He wouldn’t wear the clothes I bought him anymore, saying the colors were too girly.”

“I originally wanted a girl. When I found out in the delivery room after natural childbirth that it was a boy, I cried for quite a while,” Qiao Ru’s smile turned wistful. “But after what happened to his father, I was grateful Xie Huai was a boy. Otherwise, I don’t know how we would have gotten through those days.”

Xia Xia said softly: “Don’t be sad, Auntie. Everything from the past is over now.”

Qiao Ru’s gaze lingered on the bracelet on her wrist: “That bracelet his father left him – even in our hardest times he never sold it. For Xie Huai to give it to you, he must love you to his very core.”

Xia Xia pressed her lips together, lowering her head so Qiao Ru wouldn’t see her blush.

She flipped through the album, seeing five-year-old Xie Huai holding a ball in the large garden of a four-story villa, surrounded by other children.

At six, Xie Huai wore a red scarf and yellow cap as Xie Zhisheng dropped him off at the elementary school gate. Little Xie Huai pouted reluctantly as Qiao Ru forcibly dragged him to the school entrance for a photo.

At eight, Xie Huai had grown much taller, swimming with Xie Zhisheng in their home pool wearing matching black swim trunks.

By eleven, Xie Huai was already quite tall for his age. Though his cheeks still held a hint of childishness, one could glimpse his future handsome features. He performed at the school’s cultural evening show, dressed in a suit and bow tie, dazzling like a little prince.

At thirteen, Xie Huai was caught dating by school administrators. From childhood, Qiao Ru had taught him to be polite and low-key – no one at school knew he was Xie Zhisheng’s son. The furious administrator called in his parents, but when Xie Zhisheng entered the office with his face frequently seen in the Zhang City Evening News, the previously tense atmosphere immediately softened.

The administrator chatted amiably with him for quite a while, then cheerfully let Xie Huai go, warmly advising: “Young love is beautiful, you must cherish these pure and sincere feelings, but don’t let it affect your studies.”

To commemorate her son’s first love, Qiao Ru ignored the administrator’s strange looks and excitedly insisted on taking a photo with Xie Huai in the office, including the girl in the shot as well.

“Is this Xie Huai’s first love?” Xia Xia’s finger paused on this page.

The girl in the photo was dark and thin, frankly the kind of looks that would be easily overlooked in a crowd. Xia Xia had countless times imagined what the first girl to capture Xie Huai’s heart might look like, but she had never asked, afraid she would get jealous if she knew.

But when she saw, she found she still cared.

This was Xie Huai’s first love, his first girl.

Xia Xia felt somewhat dejected, but looking at the photo from all angles she couldn’t figure out what Xie Huai liked about her, so she asked: “She must have been very outstanding, right?”

Qiao Ru: “She was the study representative in Xie Huai’s class. When she confessed to him, she promised to do his homework every day.”

Xia Xia: “……”

“Did Xie Huai like her?”

“Xie Huai liked playing basketball,” Qiao Ru said. “This girl did his homework, so he had two extra hours every night to play ball. When I found out, I broke them up and scolded Xie Huai – not because I opposed puppy love, but because his motives weren’t pure. What he did was too heartless.”

Xia Xia didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“I’ve also met that girl we ran into at the mall today. The day after getting together with Xie Huai, she came to visit bringing gifts, and even made desserts for me and Xie Huai’s father. She was beautiful and knew how to handle things.”

“But I never had high hopes for them,” Qiao Ru looked at Xia Xia. “A person’s mouth can lie, their expressions can deceive, but their eyes can’t hide things. Chen Manxi’s gaze toward Xie Huai was passionate, but mixed with many other things. She’s different from you – you like Xie Huai, you like him as a person.”

Xia Xia smiled: “Brother Huai is wonderful, it’s just that in the past his goodness was overshadowed by other light, and others couldn’t see it.”

“You see him through rose-colored glasses,” Qiao Ru criticized her son without sounding like a mother at all. “Xie Huai used to have such a strange personality, only slowly improving these past two years. When he came home last year and talked about you, his eyes were glowing. That’s when I wanted to see what kind of girl could make him completely change his bad temper, like becoming a completely different person.”

Xia Xia thought back to when she first met Xie Huai, him sitting by the roadside at his stall, squinting his eyes and treating people with indifference, and then his fierce attitude toward her, putting on his “Brother Huai will get you” act. She thought about how the current Xie Huai had indeed changed a lot.

She couldn’t pinpoint exactly when this change began. By the time she noticed, Xie Huai had already become very gentle.

He was tender, considerate, and loved to act spoiled.

If Qiao Ru hadn’t mentioned it, Xia Xia would have almost forgotten Xie Huai’s previous standoffish, arrogant demeanor.

Xia Xia’s thoughts drifted hazily back to a class at school.

Winter’s golden sunlight spilled onto the dark green desk. Xie Huai lay sprawled on the desk, idly swinging his watch back and forth, reflecting sunlight onto the professor’s shiny pen cap, creating a beautiful spot of light on his striped shirt.

“Is the self-emotion and love opposing or complementary? If we consider the self as a castle in consciousness – fortified on the outside, storing carefully selected treasures inside, then love is an indivisible shared entity in the universe—”

The professor noticed Xie Huai’s mischief. He paused his lecture, adjusted his glasses, smiled, and ignored it.

Xie Huai raised his wrist, casting the light spot onto his face.

The professor’s eyes narrowed to slits, his tone carrying a subtle threat: “Xie Huai.”

Xie Huai playfully waved at him, then sat properly, straightening his notebook to take notes.

“In a healthy mind, the self and love promote each other’s growth. For those things we love intensely and lastingly, we’re likely to bring them into our castle, considering them part of ourselves. Cooley believes—”

“Xie Huai.” The professor, seeing Xie Huai not looking up, paused and asked gently, “What do you think?”

Xie Huai tilted his head thoughtfully: “Love promotes self-growth.”

The professor nodded with a smile: “What else?”

“Love makes people lower their defenses, bringing the loved one into their consciousness castle.”

“Anything else?”

Xie Huai raised his eyebrows: “Professor, you’ve already asked me two questions. With so many people here, why specifically question me? Are you envious that I have a girlfriend?”

Having a girlfriend, Xie Huai wanted the whole world to know.

Xia Xia tugged embarrassedly at his clothes, making him sit down, trying to stop him from showing off.

Seeing Xia Xia smiling, Qiao Ru looked at her.

Xia Xia explained what happened in that class: “…I think maybe Xie Huai hasn’t changed because of me. It’s just that after becoming close to me, he made me part of himself, so he doesn’t put up defenses with me…”

“Xie Huai’s personality is still strange, still arrogant, but I like his arrogance,” Xia Xia said somewhat shyly, but still looking directly into Qiao Ru’s eyes, though her voice grew softer, “If he were nice to everyone, I’d be jealous too.”

Qiao Ru smiled, reaching out to pinch her cheek: “Xia Xia, you’re so adorable.”

The album under Xia Xia’s hands stopped at the last page. In that photo, Xie Huai looked only sixteen or seventeen, his hair cut very short in a crew cut, cheeks sunken, chin sharp, face pale and weak. Noticing the camera filming him, his brows furrowed impatiently, raising his hand to block his face.

“This was taken when Xie Huai’s uncle went to pick him up,” Qiao Ru’s voice suddenly became very soft, “He spent seven months in juvenile detention, got so thin he barely looked human.”

Xia Xia looked up, surprised at Qiao Ru: “Juvenile detention?”

Xie Huai knocked on the door outside, his face showing fatigue: “Are you done chatting? It’s already ten, and we need to get up early tomorrow to visit the wholesale market.”

Qiao Ru put away the album, and Xie Huai took Xia Xia back to their room. As soon as they entered, he pinned her against the bookshelf, gripping her waist.

“What did my mom tell you?” He blew in her ear, making Xia Xia ticklish.

Xia Xia thought seriously: “Said that at three years old you still insisted on wearing split-crotch pants, shamelessly walking around with your privates showing.”

“Damn.” Xie Huai said, “I knew my mom would reveal my embarrassing stories. What else?”

“Also about your first love,” Xia Xia said, “Brother Huai, you’re something else – willing to sacrifice yourself for basketball, selling your entire soul for homework.”

Xie Huai: “…”

He grinned, trying to brush past the topic.

Xia Xia’s face wasn’t smiling. She pushed Xie Huai away and lay down on his bed.

Xia Xia slept very still, never moving much, just quietly occupying one corner of the bed.

She liked sleeping on her side, always curling herself into a tiny ball, looking extremely insecure.

When they first started living together, Xie Huai strongly disliked this sleeping position. Every night he would pull her into his arms, holding her the entire night without letting go. Gradually, Xia Xia got used to falling asleep in his arms and waking up there.

It had been a long time since Xia Xia had curled up in a corner to sleep.

She lay quietly, and Xie Huai, thinking she was angry, didn’t dare joke around. He crouched in front of her, first apologizing then trying to coax her.

“…Don’t ignore me,” Xie Huai scratched his head anxiously. “That wasn’t first love – isn’t first love supposed to be the first person you like?”

“I was young and foolish then. How about you hit me twice to feel better?”

Xia Xia covered her eyes with her hands, her nose twitching, with faint sounds of crying.

Xie Huai: “…Are you crying?”

He forcefully moved her hands away, seeing that Xia Xia was indeed crying.

Her eyes were brimming with tears, originally held back tightly, but once he saw them, she could no longer contain herself and hugged his neck, crying audibly.

Xie Huai froze. He instinctively knew Xia Xia wasn’t crying about that first girlfriend, but he couldn’t immediately understand what was making her sad.

Xia Xia’s voice choked: “Why did you never tell me?”

“About what?”

“Juvenile detention.” Xia Xia’s nails dug into the fabric of his shoulder. Only after hearing from Qiao Ru about Xie Huai’s seven months in juvenile detention did she fully understand what he had done during that year he took off from school.

Xie Huai hadn’t expected this topic, and smiled helplessly: “You never asked, and besides, it’s not exactly something to be proud of.”

He carried Xia Xia to the head of the bed, letting her sit against him, taking tissues to wipe her tears: “If you want to hear about it, I’ll tell you.”

Xia Xia stopped crying. At that moment when her emotions got out of control, even she didn’t know exactly what she had been crying about.

“Remember I told you about that old man who wanted to keep me?” Xie Huai’s tone sounded very calm. “I agreed because Hu Shurong gave me an ultimatum to repay eight million in a week. After being a spendthrift for sixteen years, besides burning spirit money for him, selling myself was the only option left. But in the end, I didn’t go.”

“They kidnapped my mom,” Xie Huai held her, his chin unconsciously rubbing against her hair whorl. “When I got there, my mom was lying on the floor with her clothes torn. I stabbed both men in the room and sent them to the hospital, one to intensive care. The final verdict was intentional injury, but since I was a minor, it was settled with seven months in juvenile detention.”

Xia Xia bit her lip: “Auntie, she…”

“I got there early – they had only torn my mom’s clothes and hadn’t managed to do anything else,” Xie Huai’s eyes held a fierce look. “If they had dared to do anything to my mom, I would have made them pay even if it meant life in prison.”

“So now you understand why I was afraid to keep you by my side?” Xie Huai said softly. “I was afraid I couldn’t give you a future, and even more afraid I couldn’t protect you.”

After a moment of silence, Xia Xia asked: “During those seven months, did they beat you?”

“Didn’t get beaten much,” Xie Huai said vaguely, then looked at her with a smile. “Feeling sorry for me?”

Xia Xia looked up to meet his eyes, her eyes still red: “If they captured me too, what would you do?”

Xie Huai thought seriously for a moment: “Let’s not imagine that scenario. I don’t know what I would do.”

“Maybe I’d go crazy,” he said.

“If they capture me, don’t do anything stupid,” Xia Xia suddenly said seriously. “You’re an adult now, the price you’d pay would be much higher than before. Without me, you just lose a girlfriend, but if you act violently, you might lose your entire life.”

“If I die, you must not grieve for me,” Xia Xia was caught up in her tragic drama. “Be careful when choosing your next girlfriend. Not Chen Manxi – she’s too wasteful, she’ll spend all your money. Remember to marry Zhao Shanqi. Shanqi is gentle and cute, plus she has a rich father. You can live off her, accumulate strength, make a comeback—”

“—then avenge me.”

Xie Huai first frowned, then pushed her down on the bed, burying his face in her neck and giving her a fierce bite.

Xia Xia screamed in pain.

Having achieved his goal, Xie Huai sat up satisfied, looking at the clear teeth marks he’d left, and threatened: “Marry who? Say that again if you dare.”

Xia Xia didn’t dare say more, placatingly hugging his neck and kissing the corner of his mouth.

Xie Huai kissed back, capturing her soft lips and gently sucking: “Even if that day comes, I won’t let anything happen to you. If I can’t even protect my own woman, what right do I have to be with you and promise you a future?”

Xia Xia smiled sweetly.

Xie Huai’s phone rang. He answered it and suddenly got up to get dressed.

“Who is it?”

“Qi Da brought me a box of hairy crabs, I’m going out to get them,” Xie Huai said. “You take a shower first, I’ll be back soon.”

Xia Xia looked at the deep twilight outside the window, where heavy snow was falling, piling thick on the ground.

She asked: “Can’t you get them tomorrow? It’s so late now.”

Xie Huai finished dressing and bent to kiss her forehead: “Qi Da is heading home for New Year’s tomorrow. He’s passing through Zhang City and specially came to see me.”

Xia Xia slowly put on her slippers: “Then be careful. I’ll go make milk – do you want some?”

“Yes,” Xie Huai said. “Remember to add an egg.”

After Xie Huai left, Xia Xia went to the kitchen to make milk. Qiao Ru was soaking beans, and planning to make soy milk in the morning.

Seeing her come out, Qiao Ru smiled without saying anything. Xia Xia felt somewhat awkward, wondering about the soundproofing of the house, thinking perhaps her emotional crying and talk about marrying Zhao Shanqi had been heard by Qiao Ru.

She tentatively asked: “Auntie, did you hear anything just now?”

Qiao Ru looked puzzled: “No, nothing.”

Xia Xia felt relieved, thinking the soundproofing must be quite good.

Qiao Ru suddenly said: “Is someone knocking?”

Xia Xia listened carefully and realized there was indeed knocking.

“Maybe it’s Xie Huai back,” she poured the hot milk into a glass cup, opening the window a crack to let the milk cool.

Qiao Ru gestured for her to be quiet, walked to the door, and asked vigilantly: “Who is it?”

Outside was a man with a deep voice who responded: “Property management. Downstairs said your kitchen has a water leak, we need to come in and check.”

Qiao Ru instantly locked the door, her movements so practiced that Xia Xia had no time to react.

She stretched out her arm to shield Xia Xia behind her, trying to keep her voice calm: “We don’t have any leaks. You should have them check if it’s their pipes leaking.”

There was a sound of metal hitting the door, followed by the sound of wire being inserted into the lock.

“It might be the floor heating leaking. Open the door.”

The moment something was inserted into the lock from outside, Xia Xia also realized something was wrong.

She pulled out her phone and called 110 without hesitation. Just as the other end picked up, all the lights in the entire building went out.

On the small road, no one had cleared the night’s snow, so Qi Da’s car couldn’t drive in and had to park on the salted main road.

Xie Huai walked through the snow step by step out of the complex. After walking quite far, he glanced back casually and noticed the power was out in his building.

He received a message from Xia Xia on his phone.

[Brother Huai, don’t come back.]

All expression instantly froze on his face, and then he turned and ran back like a madman.