Mu Wanyao faced Yan Shang with sharp defensiveness. His heartbroken gaze, his raised voice, his rare display of true anger… all of this made Mu Wanyao’s spine straighten and chin lift higher.
His words “You didn’t tell me many things earlier” stung her directly, making her eyes instantly turn red, her pupils trembling.
Mu Wanyao raged: “What good would tell you earlier do? So you could make an early escape and avoid getting entangled with me?!”
Yan Shang froze, barely controlling his careless words: “That’s not what I meant…”
Mu Wanyao laughed coldly: “Seeking benefit and avoiding harm, a gentleman doesn’t stand beneath a dangerous wall… isn’t that exactly what you mean? Where am I wrong? You’re just a wooden block, motionless unless pushed. I’ve been the one provoking you, but are you so innocent? Weren’t you the one giving me chances again and again? If you were truly unyielding, when I first kissed you in Lingnan, you should have smashed your head against a wall and died to prove your integrity!”
“You didn’t! You enjoyed it, you indulged… it was you who gave me the opportunities!”
Yan Shang couldn’t defend himself, his face turning pale white.
He indeed, indeed… regardless of his mindset, whether wanting to maintain good relations with Mu Wanyao or avoid becoming her enemy, in the beginning, he truly…
He calmed slightly and asked softly: “Fine, I wasn’t innocent, I did have an ambiguous attitude toward you. Then what did you mean by saying you wanted me as your lover without giving me status, Your Highness?”
Mu Wanyao remained silent.
Yan Shang stared at her: “You want me to watch you marry another, become husband and wife with another, while I can only have secret relations with you?”
Mu Wanyao said impatiently: “I said I wouldn’t marry…”
Yan Shang interrupted: “Only because the benefits aren’t enough to move your heart! Once they are, you’ll marry. What do you want me to be, hiding in the shadows? Your male favorite? Your secret lover? Year after year, while you appear openly with others, I’m just begging for your scraps?”
Mu Wanyao: “Don’t make it sound so pitiful. I won’t stop you from taking a wife and having children either.”
Yan Shang gazed at her: “Really? You won’t stop me?”
Mu Wanyao looked at him in surprise.
His eyes shone like ice and snow, that gaze seeing through her heart made her swallow the words she wanted to say about not caring what he did.
He was so perceptive of people’s hearts.
As long as he wasn’t emotional, as long as he wasn’t confused by her, he could easily see through what someone was truly thinking.
Since Mu Wanyao wouldn’t speak, Yan Shang softly helped her say it: “Your words sound nice, saying you won’t interfere, but if I took a wife and had children, could you truly accept it? Your Highness, are you that kind of person? You say this only because you think I won’t marry and have children now, only because you think since I don’t care about these things, why not just go along with you and continue to waste time with you.”
“You want me to follow you, year after year, day after day. You want me to continue like this with you, to grind away my whole life with you like this… you’re too selfish, Your Highness.”
Mu Wanyao stared at him quietly, and after a while, she suddenly seemed to lose all source of her anger.
She gave a self-mocking laugh.
He yearned for marriage and children; she despised marriage and hated responsibility.
He hesitated over not being able to have offspring, yet wanted status; she didn’t want to give status due to entangled interests, yet felt entitled to enjoy his companionship.
Neither of them was pure.
Mu Wanyao said flatly: “Then what do you want?”
Yan Shang said softly: “I know my attitude disappoints you, but I’m truly not someone who acts on impulse. I need to think through all the consequences before giving a clear answer. However… for you…”
“Your Highness, do you feel you don’t deserve a normal marriage? Do you feel that power, ambition, and authority are more important than me? Do you so despise marriage and the promises and responsibilities to a lover that even I can’t win your favor?”
Mu Wanyao looked at him.
Looking at him, standing like a pine or cypress, with the quality of gold and jade. Yet standing so disheveled before her.
Mu Wanyao suddenly said: “Let’s separate.”
Yan Shang’s mind went blank as he stared at her.
He froze for a moment, anger rising in his eyes, along with more resentment and heartbreak. He knew she still wouldn’t talk properly with him, would still abandon him, choosing her power instead.
He had become so ridiculous here.
All his pressure, his plans for how to bear the pain of having no offspring… all became so ridiculous.
It was ultimately a mockery of him.
Ultimately, when her interests were touched, she abandoned him.
Such a humiliating feeling!
Yan Shang stared at her dazedly, not knowing what he was still hoping for, his heart in extreme pain, the light in his eyes rippling like tears. Mu Wanyao looked away, sat down, and called out loudly: “Someone, see the guest out!”
The maids entered.
Before Yan Shang, Mu Wanyao looked into his eyes and ordered word by word: “Henceforth without my permission, my princess manor does not welcome this person. If he dares come to my princess manor again without announcement, I’ll hold you responsible!”
The maids worriedly glanced at Second Young Master Yan, seeing his eyelashes trembling and face deathly pale. With such humiliation, even Yan Shang couldn’t stay.
He cupped his hands to her in salute, then turned and left—
Mu Wanyao sat numbly in her chambers, head lowered.
She looked at the broken porcelain pieces on the ground, which she had thrown at Yan Shang earlier. She then stared at a corner of the floor covering, thinking that was where Yan Shang had stood.
His eyes had gone from hopeful at first to dead ash in the end.
He was ultimately disappointed.
But what was he anyway? The issue of offspring alone trapped him, made him hesitate, and made him unwilling to decide!
He wasn’t pure either! He didn’t love her!
She didn’t regret it!
Maid Xia Rong returned, and gently knocked on the door from outside, asking if the princess would allow them in to clean up the broken porcelain. After Mu Wanyao’s response, the maids quietly entered to clean.
No one dared speak to Mu Wanyao at this time.
Xia Rong secretly watched the princess, seeing the lady sitting straight-backed on the couch, face downturned, staring blankly at her palm. The princess’s eyelashes were thick and long, her face cold.
Though the princess showed no sign of fragility, Xia Rong suddenly felt that the princess sitting there alone, neither crying nor smiling, seemed very lonely and desolate.
She thought the princess seemed very sad.
Usually, Xia Rong didn’t dare counsel Mu Wanyao much. Though she was a manor maid, since Chunhua left, the other maids didn’t understand the princess’s past, so none could enter the princess’s heart. They would say too much and make mistakes, and get punished for mistakes, so they simply didn’t speak.
However, at this moment, Xia Rong suddenly wanted to say something.
Xia Rong stood beside Mu Wanyao, carefully placing a cup of tea on the table next to the princess. She said softly: “This servant was outside earlier, and heard what Your Highness and Second Young Master were arguing about.”
Mu Wanyao raised her head to look at her once, her gaze clear and cold, but she didn’t get angry after all.
Xia Rong felt heartache, thinking that the princess couldn’t have children… No wonder the princess always so disliked children… She boldly continued: “Your Highness, Second Young Master does like you, just now he also said he still wants status. This shows that compared to children, Second Young Master cares more about status.”
“This servant knows Your Highness also likes Second Young Master. Since that’s the case, why doesn’t Your Highness relent and give Second Young Master status?”
Mu Wanyao asked in return: “What makes you think I like him very much?”
Xia Rong froze, stammering: “Because, because when the princess is usually with Second Young Master, you’re like a young girl, liking to act coquettish with Second Young Master, liking to let Second Young Master hold Your Highness… Your Highness is never like this with us, Your Highness is never like this with anyone.”
“Though Your Highness often scolds Second Young Master, Your Highness isn’t angry with Second Young Master. Whenever the Second Young Master appears, Your Highness is in a good mood, making us servants also feel… feel happy… This servant thinks, Your Highness must very, very much like Second Young Master.”
Gathering her courage, she ventured: “This servant feels that in Your Highness’s heart, you like Second Young Master even more than you show.”
Mu Wanyao remained silent.
Of course, she knew she liked Yan Shang very much.
Precisely because her experiences were unusual, she liked Yan Shang so much in her heart. Her love was pure and clean, crystal clear… this was unique, beautiful, not allowing anyone to destroy it.
Not even Yan Shang himself.
Mu Wanyao lowered her eyes, saying softly: “Precisely because I like him, at even a moment of his hesitation, I don’t want him. I have nothing, nothing in this world is something I rightfully deserve, only my love is most beautiful.”
“I don’t want his hesitation.”
After that, Mu Wanyao no longer saw Yan Shang. Sometimes when carriages were stuck in the alleyways, Mu Wanyao sat in her carriage without ever glancing down. Perhaps Yan Shang had come looking for her, she wasn’t sure, but from Xia Rong’s hesitant expression, Mu Wanyao could guess that Yan Shang must have come seeking her.
But she didn’t care.
A break should be clean.
She knew best how abnormal her feelings for Yan Shang were, she knew that just one glance at him would make her heart flutter. Because he was so good, he was the most beautiful light in her darkness. She didn’t know if there were better young lords than Yan Shang in the world, but she hadn’t met any.
His influence on her was too great.
She wouldn’t allow herself to be weak, wouldn’t allow herself to see him once, and lose her head, wanting to bring him back.
Sometimes at night, she would hate herself for why she had to clarify everything, when if she had continued deceiving, she could have continued enjoying Yan Shang’s natural kindness to her; sometimes after drinking too much, she would have an impulse to find him, to say she regretted it, that regardless of the reason, as long as they were together it would be fine…
But in the daytime, when she calmed down, Mu Wanyao would be grateful she had endured another day, once again telling herself that her choice wasn’t wrong.
Power came before love.
No one should think of taking away the power in her hands!
Whether it was Yan Shang, or the Li family, Wei family! Or the Crown Prince, Emperor!
She would exhaust all efforts to live well herself, to let those around her receive her protection and live well!
When Mu Wanyao saw Yan Shang again, it was already May.
She was at a court official’s banquet, originally to meet Wei Shu.
Wei Shu’s official career hadn’t been going smoothly lately.
Regarding the previous military exercise matter, Wei Shu should have been promoted. But the Ministry of Personnel had blocked him. After all, the position of Investigating Censor had offended too many people. There were too many in court hoping to bring Wei Shu down, while Wei Shu sought help neither from the Wei family nor Mu Wanyao.
By the time Mu Wanyao knew about it, she had already decided to resolve her marriage problem caught between the Li and Wei families.
At the banquet, when Mu Wanyao saw the young lord as pure as snow, the two sat quietly, both feeling some unspeakable awkwardness.
Wei Shu secretly watched Mu Wanyao, feeling that Her Highness’s temperament had become much colder. Not knowing if it was because of their arranged marriage when Mu Wanyao saw him, she didn’t smile as usual… Wei Shu lowered his eyelashes, feeling somewhat hurt.
Mu Wanyao: “Juyuan, do you want to marry me?”
Wei Shu raised his head to look at her.
Mu Wanyao didn’t look at him, her eyes watching other officials coming and going at the banquet.
Mu Wanyao said: “If you’re also unwilling, then we should cooperate and reject this marriage together. If you want to marry me, then I’ll make a deal with you—you reject the marriage with me, and I’ll help you resolve your current troubles in officialdom.”
Wei Shu lowered his eyes: “Is Your Highness compensating me?”
Mu Wanyao: “Mm.”
Wei Shu asked softly: “Why do it this way?”
Mu Wanyao was confused and looked at him. She saw him raise his glass-like eyes, quiet and sorrowful.
Wei Shu: “Your Highness didn’t use to speak to me this way. Has Your Highness begun to hate my existence now?”
Mu Wanyao was startled, knowing her attitude had hurt Wei Shu. The youth pressed his lips together, sitting stiffly, his eyelashes trembling, his eyes clouded with frost. No matter what, he was still a brother four whole years younger than her.
She suddenly felt lost and confused, not knowing how to console Wei Shu, and at this moment, some official called out “Second Young Master Yan,” and Mu Wanyao, faster than her reaction, looked over at once.
She had been avoiding Wei Shu’s gaze, had looked over instinctively, but suddenly met Yan Shang’s returning gaze.
He was standing with several officials from the Ministry of Revenue, including the Vice Minister of Revenue whom Mu Wanyao found most useful. The Vice Minister praised Yan Shang’s excellent handling of official duties, while Yan Shang looked toward Mu Wanyao.
He froze for a moment because she had looked back at him.
Not having seen each other for a month, both were somewhat dazed, their minds empty for a moment.
Just looking at each other, yet seeming to recall so much of the past… Mu Wanyao abruptly turned her face away, her attitude icy: “Why is Yan Shang here too?”
Wei Shu was startled, not knowing why Second Brother Yan’s presence would cause such a strong reaction from Her Highness.
Maid Xia Rong curtsied, saying nervously: “When the banquet was announced, Second Young Master Yan’s name wasn’t on the list. Perhaps, Second Young Master came last minute… it was this servant’s fault…”
Mu Wanyao: “Let’s go.”
She wouldn’t stay a moment longer, rising to leave. Wei Shu stood up with her, following two steps: “Your Highness…”
Mu Wanyao forced herself to stop, showing a slight smile to the youth who looked helplessly between her and Yan Shang, saying: “We’ll talk another day, don’t overthink it, I’m not targeting you.”
Wei Shu: “Your Highness and Second Brother Yan…”
He thought Her Highness’s rejection of the marriage must be because of Second Brother Yan.
Mu Wanyao said: “Whatever is between Yan Shang and me, it doesn’t affect you. Don’t become flustered just because we’ve separated.”
Mu Wanyao left so hurriedly, not even maintaining appearances, making the officials’ expressions strange as they glanced inquiringly at the newly arrived Yan Shang.
Yan Shang’s eyes dimmed slightly as he gave a self-mocking smile.
He hadn’t planned to come, but hearing she would be here, still wanted to see her once… Yet she was truly cold and heartless, saying she’d break with him meant truly never having anything to do with him again.
Wei Shu walked over, looking at Yan Shang’s somewhat dazed expression: “Second Brother Yan…”
Yan Shang smiled gently at him: “Juyuan needn’t worry. Whatever is between Her Highness and me, it won’t affect you.”
Wei Shu said nothing.
Thinking their words were truly consistent.
However… had they separated?
Were they planning to never see each other again?
But how could a power-wielding princess and a rapidly rising official possibly never see each other again?
Mu Wanyao also understood this principle, secretly feeling some regret. This was the trouble with having a romance with a court official.
Even if they separated, she couldn’t possibly never see Yan Shang again. And each time seeing him held the possibility of dead ashes rekindling.
What could be done about this?
While Mu Wanyao and Yan Shang’s relationship had become like this, Feng Xianyu left Chang’an to become an adjutant in Jizhou.
Jizhou was a desolate place, Feng Xianyu going to Jizhou was essentially equivalent to being demoted by the central government.
Feng Xianyu didn’t have many friends in Chang’an, and after drinking farewell wine with a few casual friends, he waited for Yan Shang who came hurriedly.
Feng Xianyu and Yan Shang sat talking under the willows at Ba Bridge.
Yan Shang frowned at him, saying gently: “Brother Feng, when the foreign envoys were still in Chang’an earlier, I heard you were credited for your poetry, and at that time heard that after the envoys left, you would be promoted. Yet why are you going to Jizhou now?”
Feng Xianyu’s expression was somewhat haggard.
He said: “Made a mistake serving the princess, that’s all.”
Yan Shang was startled.
Feng Xianyu turned his head to look at him, saying listlessly: “When the envoys were here, I was credited for my poetry, but the Long Princess saw I didn’t rely on her and instead sought other paths for promotion, so she was somewhat unhappy. But Her Highness didn’t say anything at the time, seemingly acquiescing to my promotion. But afterward, Her Highness rarely sought me out.”
“Later once, because I suggested to Her Highness that she dismiss those useless male favorites. Her Highness was already angry that I hadn’t told her about my promotion, so she rejected my suggestion. But those male favorites overheard my suggestion and harbored resentment. They sowed discord, framed me before Her Highness, and even schemed to make me enter the palace quarters that belonged solely to her husband and deceased daughter, where Her Highness forbade anyone to go.”
“Her Highness flew into a rage, and I didn’t even have a chance to explain. I couldn’t even see Her Highness’s face to plead my case before being demoted to serve as adjutant in Jizhou. Her Highness has thoroughly come to hate me for not knowing my place.”
After hearing all this, Yan Shang let out a soft sigh.
Yan Shang: “Jizhou is bitter and cold, Brother Feng should prepare well.”
Feng Xianyu laughed: “Thank you for not doing like others, pulling me to cry together, crying for me. Ah… never mind, at least this time going to Jizhou, I can bring my daughter to come along. I just worry my daughter can’t endure hardship, and won’t be willing to go to Jizhou with me.”
Yan Shang said gently: “Brother Feng can ask her personally.”
Feng Xianyu sighed: “My daughter is too young, and not close with me…”
Yan Shang: “Even the smallest child has their thoughts. Brother Feng should still ask. Brother Feng has missed these years with your daughter, surely you miss her deeply in your heart. In this life’s journey, the bond between parent and child is so precious, brother should cherish it.”
Hearing these words, Feng Xianyu showed a smile.
Being banished from Chang’an, though he was sorrowful. But thinking he would soon see his daughter, he again felt some hidden anticipation for the future. Even if just for his daughter, he had to persist, couldn’t die in Jizhou.
Feng Xianyu looked at Yan Shang: “What about you?”
Yan Shang froze: “What about me?”
Feng Xianyu: “You’re almost of age for the coming-of-age ceremony, right? Is your family still not urging you to marry? When I was your age, my daughter was already born.”
Yan Shang shook his head with a smile.
His eyes held a trace of loneliness.
He said softly: “I’m afraid I don’t have such a fate.”
Feng Xianyu only saw the desolate sorrow in the young lord’s eyes, but didn’t know more, just thinking Yan Shang’s circumstances were like his own. Feng Xianyu sighed, saying: “We’ve known each other, and have similar fates. Are you still with Princess Danyang now?”
Yan Shang was silent, and after a while, gave a soft “mm.”
Feng Xianyu then advised him: “Look at my current state, and you’ll know serving a princess isn’t a good position. Though you can rise quickly through a princess’s favor, every princess of Great Wei has a fierce temper, Princess Danyang can’t be much better tempered than the Long Princess of Luling.”
“I took this path for my career, really having no other choice. But why must you do this? You’re so young, with a bright future, why must you serve these princesses?”
“Is she refusing to give you status, and refusing to give you children, using you like a male favorite?”
“Su Chen, listen to my advice, while you’re young, leave Princess Danyang. Serving a princess isn’t worth it.”
Yan Shang said softly: “Serving a princess, that’s nothing… but, does she care so little for me?”
“Was it all just playing with me from start to finish? Just finding me amusing, so teasing me again and again. When I fell in love, she kept retreating, kept making excuses. Did she just see me as entertainment, something amusing? Does she truly not have me in her heart?”
“Or is it because my status isn’t high enough, my position too low? Why does she never let me participate in her affairs, always solving things alone, never even thinking of me? We’ve been together so long, yet she neither enters my life nor lets me participate in hers… At first, I thought it would get better with time, but… it’s been so long already.”
He lowered his eyes, ashamed: “I’m not afraid of waiting, not afraid of time, not afraid of those troubles… those can all be solved. The question is, how long is this term? Is it a lifetime? Is it never seeing the light of day?”
“And now, she’s… she’s… completely given up.”
Feng Xianyu patted his shoulder, not knowing what to say. A princess, how could ordinary people handle them—
Yan Shang drank some wine with Feng Xianyu at Ba Bridge, then saw Feng Xianyu off. After feeling the cold wind for a while, Yan Shang felt somewhat tipsy but still chose to return to work at the Ministry of Revenue.
Through his daily training on his alcohol tolerance, now drinking a little rice wine wouldn’t affect him too much. Moreover, when his heart was suffering, Yan Shang discovered that indeed drinking some wine could make his mood a bit better. He was already very tired from controlling his emotions by himself, sometimes he could only rely on such external help.
When Yan Shang arrived at the Ministry of Revenue, he happened to meet people from the Ministry of Works coming to request money.
In other ministries’ eyes, the Ministry of Revenue was the wealthiest. But in the Ministry of Revenue’s eyes, they were always short of money. When other ministries came to request funds, it was always very difficult. This time from the Ministry of Works, their Minister had come personally.
Several high officials of the Ministry of Revenue immediately hid away, sending junior officials to deal with the Ministry of Works.
Yan Shang had just returned to the ministry and had to deal with this situation.
When he arrived, the people from both ministries were arguing, their voices getting louder and louder. Yan Shang rubbed his somewhat painful forehead and went over to mediate, hoping both sides would calm down and talk properly.
His temperament was gentle, usually handling such matters with ease. But this time, the Ministry of Revenue and Ministry of Works argued fiercely, shouting, both sides started pushing and shoving, and Yan Shang caught in the middle, trying to persuade: “Everyone please calm down…”
An official rebuked: “Don’t talk too much!”
“What business is it of yours!”
In the pushing and shouting, Yan Shang’s slender body was heavily pushed backward by someone. Yan Shang, weakened by alcohol, crashed into the lamp behind him, the flame and oil instantly pouring onto him, falling…
Mu Wanyao was pulled by Liu Ruozhu to attend a banquet among the ladies.
Mu Wanyao was originally impatient, but couldn’t resist this Liu lady who was particularly clingy, speaking in soft gentle tones. Mu Wanyao just couldn’t handle such people, so she went.
But after going, she was also very awkward. Because she wasn’t used to such banquets, hadn’t been for many years. She was used to dealing with officials, and really couldn’t say much to these delicate and pretty ladies… Liu Ruozhu was worried about her discomfort, so insisted on following her step by step.
Because Second Brother Yan had asked for help, saying Her Highness’s mood wasn’t good lately, if she had time, he hoped she could keep Her Highness company.
Liu Ruozhu naturally agreed immediately.
Liu Ruozhu was accompanying Mu Wanyao in conversation when suddenly, her maid hurriedly came over, leaning to whisper something in her ear. Liu Ruozhu’s face changed instantly, and she stood up abruptly.
Mu Wanyao raised an eyebrow: “What’s wrong now?”
Liu Ruozhu’s starry eyes looked at her.
Liu Ruozhu was flustered, stammering: “Your- Your Highness, you won’t mind me telling you? Second Brother Yan, Second Brother Yan was doused with lamp oil…”
Mu Wanyao’s mind went blank as she stood up violently. She froze, instantly speechless, turning to walk out.
At first, she just walked quickly, then became desperately anxious and started running.
Liu Ruozhu chased after her, and when reaching the manor gates, saw Mu Wanyao had already mounted a horse, leaving before her servants. Liu Ruozhu was flustered, but made herself calm: with the princess there, Second Brother Yan would certainly be fine—
Mu Wanyao galloped like flying, her horsemanship was excellent, but with many commoners on Chang’an’s streets, she rarely galloped to disturb them.
Today she couldn’t care about such things.
The guards chased after her on horseback, Mu Wanyao only managed to order: “Go to the palace, request imperial physicians, must be the best, the very best…”
Her mind was in chaos, barely managing to make herself focus to make decisions, but her vision was already becoming wet, only barely controlled.
Mu Wanyao ignored people trying to stop her, after dismounting she ran to the rear courtyard of the Yan manor. She ran breathlessly, seeing a servant in the courtyard holding a roll of white silk, all the servants looking as if they’d lost their parents, her heart went cold.
Pushing open the door, Mu Wanyao shut those servants outside, walking toward the inner chamber. She saw a young lord lying barely breathing on the bed, saw his paper-white face, forehead wrapped in gauze, his inner clothes disheveled, seeming to have bandages underneath. He lay there with closed eyes, barely seeming to breathe.
She was stunned, thinking he was dead.
Mu Wanyao’s tears instantly fell.
She threw herself onto the bed to hold him, embracing his unmoving form and beginning to sob: “Yan Shang, Yan Shang… what’s wrong with you? Yan Shang, Yan Shang, Yan Shang…”
“What am I supposed to do like this? I can’t be without you! You can’t leave me! You’re the best person in my life, I don’t want you to go! Yan Shang, wuwuwu…”
In his hazy state, Yan Shang heard Mu Wanyao seeming to call him, holding him and crying. He struggled to lift his eyelids, opening his eyes to see her thrown across the edge of the bed, holding him and not letting go, crying as if about to stop breathing. He was tormented badly by pain, and now his neck seemed about to be drowned by her tears.
He dimly saw a slender figure clutching him and not letting go, crying so hard it made his headache. Yan Shang mumbled: “Yaoyao…”
She sobbed harder, holding him and crying more severely, burying her tear-streaked face in his neck. In his confused state, Yan Shang struggled to prop himself up on his elbows, holding her, while she cried even harder.
But after crying for a long while, she finally seemed to realize something.
Mu Wanyao raised her tear-stained face: “You’re not dead?”