It was seven days after submitting her application form when Ah Heng joined Professor Li’s research group at the hospital.
She had originally promised to return to B City in mid-March, but now with the rushed schedule, she couldn’t manage it. Before leaving, she could only apologize to Yan Xi over the phone.
Yan Xi’s voice sounded much more energetic than before. He told her to go without worry and to be careful not to get infected. If he could find time, he would come to H City to see her.
Ah Heng smiled, and as he was hanging up, taking advantage of the night with no one around, she secretly kissed the receiver once, burying herself in the darkness, and, safe in the knowledge that no one could see, blushed all the way home.
A young lady coming of age, well, naturally.
Who’s snickering? No laughing allowed, hold it in!
Our child is shy.
From the dormitory, only Ah Heng went. Xiao Wu helped her pack her luggage, suddenly asking: “Is Yan Xi planning to quit his entertainment industry work?”
Ah Heng’s movements slowed slightly, puzzled: “Why do you say that?”
Xiao Wu said: “Recently all of Yan Xi’s work has been covered by newcomers, and most of the shows, runway, and photoshoots he had scheduled have been canceled. The forums are discussing this.”
Ah Heng said: “I’m not too clear either. He’s often willful, his moods unpredictable, but once he’s thought things through, his decision is final, no one can shake it.” Then, shaking her head with a sigh and an indulgent smile, “Let him think about it.”
In any case, let him think. If you truly love him, then be a little more tolerant.
Xiao Wu pinched her cheek, feigning jealousy with puffed cheeks, and said: “You do love him.”
Yet who knew whose jealousy it was?
Though our Yan Xi still didn’t know whose beloved he was, our Xiao Liu was truly and certainly our little sister.
When they went to the hospital, they were only told they would be collecting virus samples for experiments. They never imagined it would develop into an uncontrollable situation.
In the severe cases ward, patients wearing oxygen masks struggled in agony, often with exposed veins, stopping breathing at night, while the hospital could only administer ordinary sedatives and antibiotic injections. It was helplessness unbearable to medical staff, yet under the increasing pressure of patients, their souls were tormented.
Of the eighteen people who came, only five remained until the end, including Professor Li and four students.
Ah Heng stayed there. She couldn’t remember why she stayed, only coldly watching as her classmates left.
Speaking of death, who isn’t afraid? But holding such a sick child, watching him cough heavily, watching him gasp for breath, watching him curl up in her arms crying for his mother, her heart was filled with unbearable pain.
That child’s nickname was Xiaoxiao, he was her assignment from Professor Li. Very, very young, just learning to talk when he got this illness, and due to the severity of his symptoms, he was isolated, unable to touch his mother’s embrace which he had never left before.
Xiaoxiao’s mother didn’t cry, only begged Ah Heng to take good care of the child, bringing lots of chocolate candy, saying they were Xiaoxiao’s favorite.
Though Ah Heng knew the child had pneumonia and couldn’t have stimulating foods, she couldn’t bear to refuse, accepted the candy, and used it to comfort Xiaoxiao when holding him.
Xiaoxiao was fussy, always reaching out with his little hands to grab at her face mask. He had never seen Ah Heng’s face, only mumbling unclearly: “Jiji.”
Ah Heng laughed, holding Xiaoxiao in her arms to feed him, saying: “Wrong, it’s jie…jie, jiejie, Xiaoxiao.”
Xiaoxiao giggled: “Jiji, jiji, ji…ji.”
His little head tilted, hair soft, laughing and laughing, childishly adorable.
Gu Feibai, who stayed behind with them, always frowned, warning: “Don’t get too close to him, even though he’s a child, he’s still a patient.”
Ah Heng said: “Even though he’s a patient, he’s still a child. This way, don’t you think the words make just as much sense?”
Gu Feibai glanced at her coldly, tightened his fingers, and left proudly.
Different paths cannot work together.
Xiaoxiao’s symptoms weren’t very serious at first, but later he suddenly developed a fever at night. The child was too young for strong injections, and Xiaoxiao’s high fever wouldn’t break. Ice packs, alcohol baths, cooling blankets – they tried everything, but nothing worked.
The attending physician said: “The child won’t make it, notify the family.”
Ah Heng held Xiaoxiao through the night in a daze, her forehead pressed tightly against his, mechanically changing the towel to wipe his body, saying: “Xiaoxiao, wait a bit, mama will be here very soon, very soon.”
But Xiaoxiao slept very peacefully and sweetly, his little hands tightly gripping several pieces of chocolate candy, until the early morning light, when they finally fell loose. Such a small child, his body still so soft, yet gradually, grew cold, grew cold…
When Xiaoxiao’s mother arrived and snatched the child from her arms, her cries were heart-rending. She cried while beating Ah Heng: “Give me back my Xiaoxiao, Xiaoxiao, my Xiaoxiao!”
Ah Heng looked at her, removed her mask, and quietly bowed her head saying sorry.
As she turned away, the hospital corridor stretched very deep, with no sunlight, no lamplight, just pitch-black coldness.
Behind her came Gu Feibai’s voice, calling: “Wen Heng.”
But Ah Heng didn’t turn around, in her white clothes, shoulders fragile. She hadn’t contacted anyone for two months, staying day and night at this hospital.
She hugged the public phone in the hospital corridor, softly speaking: “Yan Xi, do you know? My first patient died.”
She said: “Yan Xi, you don’t know, what an adorable child he was, smiling every day, curling up in my arms like a little cat, calling me Jiji. He loved chocolate candy, and because he was so little he still wet the bed at night, rubbing his eyes and looking for Jiji. But, I always wore a mask… he never even knew what I… looked like…” As she spoke, she crouched down, finally choking up, breaking into sobs.
“Yan Xi, what should I do? Yan Xi, I feel so terrible, tell me, what should I do…”
“Yan Xi…” She called that person’s name, having broken down, become fragile, seeking faith in her grief.
Not far away stood that proud and aloof man, watching her back, his eyes calm yet reddened.
This phone had long been broken, how could she possibly dial out?
It was just something to hold onto, that’s all.
How could she bear to let that person worry about her?
She was just talking to herself, real emotions, real pain, real… longing.
He had never truly met the Yan Xi she spoke of, even though he had heard his voice on the phone, even though that person, each time on the other end of the line, would say humbly and softly: “Thank you for taking care of Ah Heng, thank you.”
But Ah Heng never knew that when she fled from B City to H City, there was a man who followed all the way, until he safely delivered her to his side.
Through two entire autumn winters, that man had asked, now that it’s cold, could he stay by her side more?
Could he buy her more candy?
Could he take her to an amusement park?
Could he tell her every day that baby, you’re amazing?
Could he… give her a warm home?
Could he?
He could be very intimate with her, hold her hand, yet didn’t know she feared loneliness, feared rejection, liked sweet things, and that her life’s greatest dream was to be a good wife and mother.
Even on the day, she ran away, that youth who was often powerful and noble on TV, that man who often carried sharp pride in his eyes, was still humbly asking him: “Could you, at midnight on January 10th, tell her ‘happy birthday’.”
How tragic, he prided himself on loving this woman deeply, passionately to the bone, yet didn’t know her birthday.
He often asked that beautiful youth who called on the phone in an icy voice: “In what capacity are you speaking to me?”
That person called Yan Xi would lose his usual quick wit, often becoming flustered, saying awkwardly: “I’m sorry, perhaps you can treat me as her father or brother, marrying off a daughter or sister brings the same feelings, please understand.”
But what father or brother would go to such lengths, even often mentioning H City in a gentle voice during TV shows, saying what a wonderful place it was, with beautiful mountains and waters, when I’m old and die, bury me there?
That wonderful place, so wonderful, where your Ah Heng of those years lives, my future wife, the mother of my children.
Gu Feibai couldn’t speak, the scenes flashing through his mind were just that – flashes.
All past dust, scattered like smoke and clouds. He thought he had just been fascinated by that small young girl from B City back then.
Back then, beside that young boy, there had been a young girl wearing a soft sweater, who when the mask was removed, smiled gently at him and said, sorry.
“Sorry, I’m not the person you’re looking for.”
It was 1999.
Gu Feibai of 2003 reached out his hand, helping up that gentle woman in her white coat, saying: “Silly girl, stop crying.”
He smiled with reddened eyes, handing her his phone: “It’s just longing, how hard can that be.”
When Professor Li brought them back to school, it was already June.
At that time, the entire school was already sealed off, with strict orders that no students were allowed to leave campus privately, or they would be expelled.
Just a few days after Ah Heng returned to the dormitory building, people there started getting fevers one after another and were sent to the campus hospital for isolation. Later, two cases were confirmed.
So, they had to stay isolated in their dormitory for observation for half a month.
Xiao Wu was extremely distressed, wailing all day: “My man! He finally comes to H City once, and I might not even make it!”
Ah Heng’s thoughts stirred, and she stammered: “Sister Wu… what did you say about Yan Xi?”
Xiao Wu gave her a look: “Heartless girl, only knowing how to enjoy yourself with Gu Feibai at the hospital. Yan Xi announced some days ago that after hosting the national grand touring performance, he’ll completely withdraw from public view. H City Z University’s Grand Hall is the last stop.”
Ah Heng was dumbfounded, stuttering: “He didn’t tell me that. When I called him, he didn’t say anything…”
Xiao Wu asked: “Then what did you talk about?”
“I said I was still alive, very healthy, and because of the campus isolation I hadn’t eaten candy in a long time; he said he was also still alive, doing very well, and since his school wasn’t isolated and he doesn’t like candy, he also hadn’t eaten candy in a long time…”
Xiao Wu nearly spat blood, suppressing the urge to smack both kids, then sighed, looking at her: “Now you know, Yan Xi is coming.”
Ah Heng asked: “When?”
Xiao Wu said: “In five days.”
Ah Heng teared up: “But we’ll still be in isolation…”
Xiao Wu tapped her head: “How can you be so silly, so silly? I’ll get male classmates to help downstairs, we’re on the second floor, we can climb out!”
Ah Heng deflated: “Even if we go, with so many people, we might not even see him.”
Xiao Wu clenched her fist, baring her teeth: “It’s Yan Xi’s last hosting gig! We’ll wait at the Grand Hall entrance at noon to get spots! I refuse to believe we can’t!”
Then, the two children struggled mightily to climb out.
Then, looking back suddenly, they realized they had no tickets, tragic…
Xiao Wu nearly spat blood: “After all that planning, how could I forget about needing tickets!”
Looking at her clothes dirty from climbing the wall, our child was teary-eyed: “Sister Wu, you said we’d see Yan Xi, I haven’t seen him in three months, Yan Xi!”
Xiao Wu smiled sheepishly: “Well, we could listen from outside, Yan Xi’s hosting voice is really loud.”
Ah Heng continued tearing up, banging on the Grand Hall door: “Yan Xi!”
Longing is just such a thing – you hold it in and hold it in until you’re constipated, hold it until you forget about it, and then it’s nothing. But the key is don’t give the child a chance – when their beloved is finally nearby, they’re blocked outside by a damned door.
You, will you block or not, will you block or not!
A bespectacled man who looked like an assistant walked over, pushed his glasses up his nose bridge, compared with a photo in his hand for a while, and pulled her pigtail: “Miss, is it you, are you Wen Heng?”
Ah Heng turned around sadly: “Who are you?”
The bespectacled man chuckled: “How did you get so much darker and thinner than in the photo?”
Ah Heng: “Who are you?”
Bespectacled man: “Oh, forgot to say, I’m Yan Xi’s assistant, he told me to look for you and take you directly to the VIP seats.”
In an instant, the world became full of birdsong and fragrant flowers, like eternal spring brimming with vitality.
Xiao Wu’s eyes lit up, pulling Ah Heng as they slipped inside, holding glow sticks, proudly sitting in the first row amid the sea of heads.
Ahem, Academic Affairs Director on the left, Deputy Academic Affairs Director on the right.
Just after waving the glow stick for a bit shouting “DJ Yan, I love you, like a mouse loves rice,” someone poked her from behind: “Child, quiet down a bit.”
Xiao Wu turned around, and looked, oh, what a familiar and kindly old grandfather, isn’t this… isn’t this… the Principal? Tears streaming, looking at the stage, damn, man, you know how to arrange seats.
Yan Xi saw them come in while announcing programs, smiled, then continued focusing intently, his clear voice sweeping through, the youth radiant.
Ah Heng sat below the stage, watching him earnestly.
He seemed… different from usual. It was as if his whole body was emanating light like summer fireflies, gentle, beautiful, yet indistinct.
Xiao Wu looked at the program list, screaming: “Ah Heng, Ah Heng, later, Yan Xi has a song too, something something Autumn Sea.”
Ah Heng gasped: “He’s singing?”
“What’s wrong?” Xiao Wu was puzzled.
Ah Heng smiled awkwardly: “Better find some earplugs first, don’t blame me if your ears go deaf later.”
Xiao Wu got excited: “What are you talking about, you don’t know how good Yan Xi’s ‘My Prayer’ sounds, I live on that song three meals a day. Let me tell you, you can’t slander him just because you live in the same house!”
Ah Heng: “I’m slandering him? Come on, that tone-deaf…”
Then, can’t remember if it was the fourth or fifth to last program, Yan Xi stood at center stage with the microphone. That man seemed to be singing with his life.
Often waking at midnight, lonely imagining
If I opened the window, could I see the ocean
When forgotten, does it still exist
His choice to leave also denied love
From that day I found myself
Part of me died, wanting no future
The ocean doesn’t understand the wave rider
Once summer passes it won’t return
Like footprints on the beach, lingering clear
Waiting for time to bury
Still never understanding love can be replaced
Confused, I dare not reach out to love again
Gray-blue mood missing summer
That autumn sea
Often waking at midnight, lonely imagining
If I opened the window, could I see the ocean
When forgotten, does it still exist
The ocean doesn’t understand the wave rider
Once summer passes it won’t return
Like footprints on the beach, lingering clear
Waiting for time to bury
Still never understanding love can be replaced
Confused, I dare not reach out to love again
Gray-blue mood missing summer
That autumn sea
Still never understanding love can be replaced
Confused, I dare not reach out to love again
Gray-blue mood missing summer
That autumn sea
As he sang “when forgotten, does it still exist,” he adjusted his stage walk, came to the very front of the stage, bent down, took out a blue transparent candy from his suit pocket, looked deeply at Ah Heng, and gently fed it into her mouth. Then smiled indulgently, patted her head, fell backward, lay on the stage, forehead bright, gazing at the horizon, holding the microphone in one hand, singing a requiem in the sea of people, at his lips.
He sang, that his choice to leave also denied love.
He said, still never understanding, love can be replaced.
The ocean never understood, but, dear one, do you understand?
Do you understand?