Liu Juan smiled. “I am still going to try. If I cannot be at the eldest young lady’s side, then I will first follow one of the senior maidservants near her. Sister Fu Dong said I have nimble hands and learn quickly — I can start by learning to prepare food with her. Brother, you have no idea how good what Sister Fu Dong makes is. In the future, I will cook for the eldest young lady.”
Looking at his hopelessly stubborn sister, Liu Jiang could not think of a single way to turn her back. Years of depending only on each other had made their bond far deeper than that of most siblings. Hearing her speak this way, how could he possibly hold firm?
“Juan’er, the debt of gratitude for saving your life — your brother will find a way to repay it. You do not have to give your whole life for it.”
“At the very beginning, it was about the debt of gratitude — but later on it was not that anymore. It was like… like…” Liu Juan paused, reaching into her limited store of words to find something that came close. “Like someone cold who sees a fire ahead of them. You want nothing more than to throw yourself into it entirely — even if it might consume you, you would not be afraid. To me, the eldest young lady is that fire.”
Liu Juan looked at her worried brother and felt a pang rise in her chest as well. In a blink, her eyes were wet. “Brother, I still have nightmares every night. But every time I am most afraid, the eldest young lady appears in my dream with a knife in her hand, covered in blood — and every time, I stop being afraid. I know she will protect me. Just like she did that afternoon. Just like she did that night. These past two days, even in my dreams I am not afraid anymore. Even in dreams, I know the eldest young lady will come.”
Tears fell in great drops. Liu Juan knelt before her brother. “These past few days I have watched and followed Sister Fu Dong and seen so much. I do not dare hope to become someone like the eldest young lady. I could not even match the tip of Sister Fu Dong’s finger. But I still want to try — to become someone like the sisters around her. They are maidservants, yes, but they are lettered and can reckon accounts. Things that seem impossibly difficult to me, they handle without a second thought. I want to be like that — not like Neighbor Liu’s wife next door, her whole life revolving around a husband and children, beaten by that husband at the drop of a hat. Brother, that frightens me even more than the nightmares.”
“Foolish girl.” Liu Jiang’s eyes had gone red as well. He pulled her to her feet, half-dragging her upright. They had depended on each other for so long that no ordinary brother and sister could compare to what they shared. Hearing this, how could he hold out any longer?
“Brother is the foolish one too — so afraid of finding a sister-in-law who would treat you badly that I haven’t let a matchmaker through the door. You will receive payment for your bond service. Fix up the house properly. Ask a matchmaker to find a wife — stop putting it off. Er Niu is a year younger than you, and he is about to become a father before the year is out.”
“Your brother can’t use your money for that.” Liu Jiang scrubbed hard at his face. “All right, all right, I understand. You’ve never been this sure of yourself before, and your brother won’t stop you. You are right — the eldest young lady is a good person. When you come of age, she will naturally help arrange a match for you. She would not let you remain unmarried. Whatever man she finds — even someone from the household — would be better than a life facing yellow dirt with your back to the sky. Right, your brother won’t stop you. Won’t stop you.”
Having made his peace with it, Liu Jiang took his sister’s bundle, slung it over his own shoulder, and walked out ahead of her.
Liu Juan watched him from behind and smiled through her tears.
What did a match matter? What did being in bond service matter? At the eldest young lady’s side — she was at peace.
Hua Zhi looked with some surprise at Liu Juan kneeling before her. She had not expected such a depth of resolve.
“Your brother agreed?”
Liu Juan bit her lip. “He was against it at first. I persuaded him.”
Hua Zhi held the thought for a moment. “There is no need for a permanent contract. A three-year term contract will do.”
“I wish to sign a permanent contract. Please accept this servant.”
Already using the word “servant” — Hua Zhi looked at her, puzzled. “Why insist on a permanent contract? What is good about a lifetime of waiting on others?”
“This servant thinks it is good. And besides, the eldest young lady only keeps those who have signed permanent contracts. This servant wishes to serve the eldest young lady always.”
“This is not a decision made in a moment of impulse?”
“It is not. This servant has been thinking about it for several days.”
Hua Zhi studied her for a moment, then nodded. “Bao Xia — see to the paperwork. And give her twenty taels of silver.”
“Yes.”
“This servant thanks the eldest young lady.”
“I hear from Fu Dong that you have nimble hands. You will follow her from now on.”
“Yes.”
Watching Liu Juan depart with a radiant face, practically skipping as she went, Hua Zhi could not help but laugh. “Here I am having taken on a new servant, and somehow it feels as though I have been the one to receive something good.”
“As this servant sees it, you have done a good thing — who else would spend twenty taels to take on a maidservant?” Nian Qiu smiled along with her, bringing a cup of ginseng tea and holding it to her mistress’s lips.
Hua Zhi disliked the taste and managed only two reluctant sips before pushing it away. “She has come to repay a debt of gratitude — if I had not taken her in, she might have gone on carrying it forever. Better to bring her into the household, and in a few years, find a reason to release her. Keep that in mind for me. If I lose track of it and let it delay her whole life, that would be my failing.”
“Yes, this servant will remember.”
With Ying Chun away managing everything, and Bao Xia being too breezy and carefree, Nian Qiu had been the one quietly picking up every thread. Even doing her utmost to handle whatever she could on her own, there were still many things that required her mistress’s direction.
And yet, looking at her mistress now, she could not help but think: none of those matters mattered as much as her mistress’s health. Let them be slow — everyone could still get by for now. But if her mistress’s body failed to heal properly, that would be a lifelong thing.
“Nian Qiu.”
Nian Qiu came back to herself and answered softly.
“Do you know what I was thinking at that moment, when my life hung by a thread?”
Nian Qiu started, then bit her lip and sank to her knees.
Hua Zhi made no move to call her up. Days had passed since then. She had thought they would have come to terms with it by now — it seemed she had overestimated how much they could bear.
“In that moment, what I thought was this: even if I died, I could rest easy. I had already drained more than half that person’s life from him. With all of you pressing in together afterward, that person would not have survived. You all have the nature of those who protect their mistress — and beyond that, you would have my debt to carry. After that, every one of you would have given your lives to treat Bailin well. You see — even at the last, the only thing on my mind was Bailin.”
Hua Zhi smiled faintly. “After all these years with me, you should know well enough — I am not truly a kind and gentle person. Taking charge of the Hua Family is nothing more than not wanting to disappoint Grandfather, and not wanting Bailin to come to know hardship before his time. He is the legitimate son of the main branch. If the Hua Family falls entirely, both the burdens and the suffering will fall on his shoulders. I cannot bear for him to carry those things at such a small age.”
She looked at Nian Qiu, her tone softening. “But the Hua Family will have to be placed in his hands one day. The men of the Hua Family do not know when they will return. By the time Bailin and his brothers have grown, married, and had children of their own — even if I were willing to remain in the household as an unmarried elder, they might not be able to accommodate me. To say nothing of letting me continue as head of the household. I have no wish to manage this family either. But when the time comes to hand it over to Bailin, I do not want to give it to him in a state of utter destitution. Nian Qiu — do you understand what I mean?”