Luan Nian saw that message a few hours later. Every year during New Year, Shang Zhitao would send him such a message: Wishing you all the best.

He was stunned for a moment, even thinking that day was New Year. So he asked Dr. Liang: “Is it New Year?”

“What?”

“Is today New Year’s Eve?”

Luan Nian checked the calendar, confirming that day wasn’t New Year’s Eve. He sent Shang Zhitao a question mark, but the message wouldn’t go through. Luan Nian’s typing hand paused.

Dr. Liang put down what she was holding and looked at Luan Nian: “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Later, when your father speaks, don’t cause trouble. Also, tell your friends not to make a scene, understand?” Dr. Liang instructed Luan Nian. It was her and Luan’s father’s fortieth wedding anniversary, and she had repeatedly ordered Luan Nian to come back and attend, otherwise, people would think they had lost their son in their old age.

“Alright.”

Dr. Liang sensed that Luan Nian’s mood was off, but since he didn’t say anything, she couldn’t ask too much. She could only pat Luan Nian’s shoulder: “If something’s bothering you, you can tell mom. Although I may not be able to help, I can laugh at you.”

A true mother indeed.

Dr. Liang and Luan Mingrui’s wedding anniversary celebration was very warm. Watching his parents standing there in formal attire, with his usually serious father moved to tears several times today, Luan Nian suddenly felt that perhaps he too could have such a life. Marrying the woman he loved, having children, celebrating ten, twenty, fifty, sixty years of anniversaries. This would certainly be a life full of adventure, yet also a good one.

He was eager to return to China to see Shang Zhitao. While Dr. Liang was looking at Luan Mingrui with tears in her eyes, Luan Nian took out his phone and booked a ticket.

Dr. Liang asked him why he was in a hurry to leave. Wouldn’t it be better to stay a few more days?

“To see Shang Zhitao whom you like.”

“When can I meet her?”

“Perhaps during New Year, you and Dad can return to China. She doesn’t have a visa, and it’s too late to apply now.”

Dr. Liang truly gave it serious thought, then said: “I think that works. Should we also fly to Ice City to meet her parents? I remember she’s from Ice City. Since we’re going back anyway, we might as well take care of everything that needs to be done.”

“We probably won’t be able to meet them.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re currently broken up.”

Sure enough, he messed up, Dr. Liang thought. Whenever she told Luan’s father that she felt their son was about to succeed in his relationship, Luan’s father would always purse his lips: I think your son will mess it up.

He knew his son—he found it too difficult to feel love and to love others.

“If you get back together, be better to the girl. If mom remembers correctly, you’ve been together for several years, right? That’s not easy.”

“Okay.”

Luan Nian wanted to say something, anything, to Shang Zhitao. Before boarding the plane, he called her, but the line was busy. This was the first time Shang Zhitao had blocked him. Before, no matter what happened between them, she had never done this.

After landing, he went straight to the company. It was a workday, and employees should all be at work. The office was very quiet. His eyes fell on Shang Zhitao’s empty workstation, and he felt an inexplicable panic.

Sitting at his computer, he pulled up the employee resignation list and saw Shang Zhitao’s name. She had resigned four days after the annual meeting. He had no knowledge of this.

Luan Nian recalled that day backstage at the annual meeting, when Shang Zhitao looked at him as if she wanted to say something but held back. At that time, he thought they would still have a chance to sit down and properly talk about these six years. Little did he expect that that was her farewell. Shang Zhitao had said goodbye to him in such a way.

Luan Nian knew she wasn’t bluffing; she never bluffed.

He called Tracy: “I want to ask why no one informed me about a core employee’s movement?”

“I’ll come find you.”

Tracy walked into Luan Nian’s office, locked the door, and sat across from him. Pointing to the bag beside her, she asked Luan Nian: “How’s my bag?”

“Good taste.”

“Bought it from Flora at half price.”

Luan Nian’s eyes fell on that bag. It was one he had bought for Shang Zhitao during a business trip to Singapore years ago, he remembered. She had never used it. Luan Nian wasn’t good at giving gifts, and thought bags were a decent choice. Many bags would appreciate after a few years. Shang Zhitao never used them, so he bought expensive ones, thinking perhaps one day if she encountered difficulties and wouldn’t ask him for help, she could sell them.

But not at half price.

Not like swatting away a fly.

“No one would have thought that the modest Flora would sell 14 brand new luxury bags at a discount all at once at the company flea market. Her generosity was jaw-dropping. Perhaps she also has a 250 million background, and we never discovered it.”

Among the bags Shang Zhitao sold, only Tracy’s and Lu Mi’s were discounted. For the others, when Lu Mi wrote the price tags, she had increased the prices. They were all hard-to-find styles that would sell even with a markup. Shang Zhitao and Tracy didn’t know. With so many girls in the company who loved luxury goods, Lu Mi couldn’t bear to let Shang Zhitao lose out one last time.

Luan Nian remained silent. He had known Shang Zhitao was stubborn before, but today he finally witnessed her resolute determination. His heart felt clogged, as if pierced by a needle—painful and itchy.

“Alright, gossip over. Which core employee’s movement did you want to ask about?” Tracy asked him. “Based on performance and job level, the only core employee movement should be Flora Shang Zhitao.”

“I just want to know why a core employee’s resignation approval didn’t reach me.”

“You set the rules—specialists and below only need department head approval.”

“You should have informed me.”

“Do I need to inform you about specialists and below, too? On what basis?” Tracy asked him.

“Speak plainly.”

“Fine, I’ll say it.” Tracy’s expression suddenly turned serious. “Shang Zhitao’s first weekend overtime application, the notification person was you; her first business trip, her companion was you; every Friday you two left the company one after another; the day she reported sexual harassment, you nearly killed that scumbag.”

“Luke, I’ve known about your relationship with Shang Zhitao from the beginning. I didn’t remind you because I knew your boundaries, and I also trusted she wouldn’t break the rules.” Tracy was such a clever person, and HR people are best at reading people. She had been playing dumb while knowing the truth for several years.

“Please don’t ask me why I didn’t inform you about Shang Zhitao’s resignation, but instead ask yourself why she resigned. You ruined my staffing experiment!” After saying this, Tracy stood up and asked Luan Nian: “Let me ask you, are you investigating those two abnormal evaluations?”

Luan Nian looked up at her, his expression cold.

“You’re investigating, right? If you’re investigating, couldn’t you inform me? Are we still comrades?” Tracy returned Luan Nian’s words to him, then turned and left his office.

Luan Nian still hadn’t spoken.

He had been like this since childhood, rarely showing great joy or sorrow. If he were sad, he would be silent, just like now.

“When I return, can we talk?”

“Okay.” But her expression when saying “okay” clearly said, “I won’t talk to you again, this is where we end.” And he didn’t understand.

Perhaps he had never understood her.

Luan Nian called a friend: “Can you help me find someone? Yes, I’ll tell you the information. I won’t use it for illegal purposes.”

He sat in his office for a long time. Beijing’s winter was truly desolate. He wondered if she would like the winter in Ice City. Luan Nian took out his phone and called that number. The year she was sick, he had seen her emergency contact number in the system and memorized it, using it to threaten her to stay at his home to recover.

That number was now disconnected.

Shang Zhitao had changed her family’s phone number.

Luan Nian saw Shang Zhitao’s determination. There was nothing and no one in this city worth her attachment; those she cared about and was attached to certainly knew where she was. Luan Nian thought, Shang Zhitao had never truly depended on him; every day she was with him, she was preparing to leave him.

It was on some day after that, he encountered Lu Mi, late for work, in the elevator. Lu Mi smiled and chatted with him: “Today wasn’t intentionally late, the traffic was too heavy. Our company’s location is the most congested in Beijing…”

“Where’s your apprentice?” Luan Nian suddenly asked.

Lu Mi was taken aback, then lifted her bag to show Luan Nian: “Isn’t it pretty? My apprentice insisted on giving it to me, how could I accept? Half price, I bought it.” Then she smiled at Luan Nian: “But I truly don’t know where my apprentice went.”

Lu Mi was just going through the motions at work, but she wasn’t stupid. She was so close to Shang Zhitao, of course, she had guessed their relationship wasn’t simple. But she never said anything—there was no need, no meaning in being a clever fool.

Luan Nian gave a sound of acknowledgment, his eyes sweeping over the bag as he exited the elevator.

There was another day when he encountered Sun Yu at an event.

“Where is Shang Zhitao?” Luan Nian asked her.

Sun Yu thought for a moment and said to him: “Taotao has left. She changed her phone number and didn’t tell me what it is. She said she would contact me.”

“So Luke, why are you asking me where Taotao is? On what basis?”

Luan Nian didn’t speak.

Sun Yu was right; he had no standing. Nothing from the past was worth reminiscing about or tracing back. Her resolute departure simply meant she didn’t want to see him again.

Luan Nian left the venue and called that friend again: “Don’t bother looking for that person anymore, it’s not important.”

Just a passerby.

Since she wanted to let go completely, he would respect her. That day he drove up the mountain; the bar was very lively. It was almost New Year, and he was about to fly to America again.

Dr. Liang asked him on the phone when he would arrange to meet Shang Zhitao. He said No need, we’re completely over.

Luan Nian found a spot in the bar to sit. Someone had brought a small dog, which was running around happily in the bar. Luan Nian thought of that dog named Luke, and suddenly felt overwhelmed with sadness.

That day when Shang Zhitao left, Luke sat at the door, whimpering, looking at the door and then at Luan Nian. Luan Nian’s heart felt as if it had been shredded. He told Luke, “I didn’t treat you well for nothing, but you should go with her.”

He opened the door, and Luke nuzzled his pant leg with his head, then ran off.

He saw Luke occasionally looking back at him; everything was so clear on that snowy night. Luan Nian felt he could accept everything, he just didn’t like those few words:

Dirty, ugly, disgusting.

He knew he wasn’t good at loving people, at talking, at reading people’s expressions. He could not love and was never a perfect person. Shang Zhitao had given him the illusion that even though he was such a person, he could still be truly accepted by others. This was precisely the most painful part.

He gave all the dog treats in the storage room to the owner of that dog.

That person asked him: “Last time I think I saw a Samoyed, very cute.”

“My friend’s dog was staying with me.”

“Next time, if we meet, they can play together.”

“We won’t meet again.”

At the end of that year, Luan Nian sent Shang Zhitao a message: “The new year has arrived, wishing you all the best.” He knew she wouldn’t see his New Year’s wishes anymore.

Later, Luan Nian was still like before, working hard and playing hard, still difficult to get along with. Everyone both loved and hated him, and he still didn’t care.

It was when he was watching the aurora in Finland that he suddenly remembered his New Year’s message to Shang Zhitao from that year: Let’s watch the aurora together next year.

Their group chased the aurora for five days. On the fifth night, as the aurora spread across the sky like vast smoke and waves, the drunk Luan Nian suddenly felt very sad. He said: “The aurora is really beautiful. I need to tell my beloved about the aurora.”

He had never lost composure like that in his life—a drunk man rambling on to a disconnected number, choking up several times. His friends recorded his embarrassing state and often teased him afterward, but never mentioned the slurred words he said:

I know I don’t deserve to be loved.