From that day on, I stopped sending him messages, stopped looking for him, and filled my weekends to the brim—going shopping, clubbing, dating various boys. I bought many cheap, pretty clothes. Too lazy to wash them, when I occasionally went out on dates, I would just pull one out from the pile of clothes and spray on heavy perfume.

“You’ve finally come to your senses.” My sisters pinched my face. “That’s right. There are so many fun places around here.”

There was a very handsome boy who liked me a lot. He was a hairstylist who always waited for me downstairs at our dormitory with a bag full of snacks. Finally, I could be like the other girls, sitting on the back seat of his motorcycle, going for rides, watching movies, eating at late-night food stalls in the middle of the night. He treated me very well. His only flaw was that he liked to slip his hands inside my clothes in public.

Once, we were out very late. When he was taking me back, he turned a corner and stopped in front of a small hotel.

“It’s so late, going back would be so noisy.” He pulled at me, saying, “Why don’t we just sleep here? I promise I won’t do anything.”

“Here?”

“What’s wrong with here?”

I smiled. The sign of Meiping Boutique Hotel was greasy, even the neon was thin and shabby. Some scantily dressed girls sat on small stools with their legs crossed, watching dramas on their phones while eating river snails.

To be honest, I didn’t care about my first time.

But I didn’t want it to be in a place like this.

Perhaps this was my destiny—hotels charging thirty yuan for two hours, filthy beds, young sweaty bodies. If unluckily the cheap condom broke, I would have to go to some small clinic deep in the alleyways, where they would crush that tiny trouble.

The girls around me were all like this. There was really no difference between them and me.

He thought I had tacitly agreed and moved closer with a playful smile, pinching my butt and forcefully pulling me inside.

I followed him in a daze, as if walking toward an irredeemable ending.

Just then, my phone rang.

I grabbed it and answered, as if it were a lifeline.

“Miss Ren, you consulted with us about graduate entrance exam prep classes. I just wanted to ask, are you still interested?”

“I…”

I looked up at the sky full of stars. They were so useless, yet bright enough to make my eyes hurt.

That day, I didn’t go to the hotel with him. Instead, I returned to the dormitory.

I took a very long shower, then sat at my desk and took out my materials—Introduction to Civil Engineering, Architectural Fundamentals, Spatial Language… such a large messy pile.

I had previously taken the adult college entrance exam. Because there was no architecture major, I took civil engineering. When Cheng Xia heard this, he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Why would a girl study civil engineering?”

“Then what should I study?”

“Study what you like! What’s your dream?”

But Cheng Xia, I don’t have anything I particularly like, and I don’t have any dreams.

Actually, there was nothing wrong with this. My dad, my mom, relatives, friends, classmates—everyone around me lived like this.

I studied in a muddle, then played games, drank, went clubbing, dated, squandering youth that seemed inexhaustible. Many times, playing until dawn, in moments of exhaustion, I felt this wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what exactly was wrong.

At those times, I would think of Cheng Xia’s face.

He sat in the library, reading intently. While walking, he would excitedly tell me about “The Radiant City” that he loved, the architecture masters he admired, the architectural works he wanted to complete.

“I particularly like Professor Yu’s theory—that architecture is not just architecture, but also part of ecology. I want to design such works for China…”

His eyes sparkled brilliantly. I stared at him blankly, unable to say a single word in response.

So life wasn’t just about celebrity gossip, who was secretly dating whom, who was fighting with whom—there were also these… these bright things.

At that time, I was a confused girl. I couldn’t work hard for my own future and dreams—that was too complex, my brain circuits couldn’t process it.

I only knew that I had fallen for someone, and the kind of girl he would like should be more diligent, more “refined.” I should read more books, should learn to appreciate the art behind those square architectural structures.

My life should be quieter, instead of chasing after excitement all over the world.

Everyone said that liking Cheng Xia was too hard on me.

But I knew that when doing these things, I felt happy and peaceful inside. It was as if being closer to Cheng Xia meant being closer to the life I wanted.

My roommates were all asleep. In the dormitory, there was only the sound of long, steady breathing. I pressed my face against the cool pages of the book and zoned out for a long time.

It was a WeChat message from Cheng Xia. His winter break was coming soon, and he asked if I wanted to buy tickets together tomorrow.

He always appeared like a miracle, so suddenly.

At three in the morning, I jumped up and rushed to the washroom to start washing my mountain of dirty clothes.

I had no way not to like him.

Because I truly, truly loved “myself who liked him.”

Cheng Xia and I bought tickets together and went home for the New Year.

He didn’t mention his girlfriend to me, and I didn’t ask. On the hard seat for over ten hours, we each leaned in different directions, silent the entire way.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me.

“Nothing, I’m tired. Don’t feel like talking.”

He waited a while, then said, “Stressed out? Talk to your bro about it!”

“Just work, and preparing for graduate entrance exams.” I sighed but still found a topic. “What have you been up to lately? Haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Huh? It’s only been like a week since we last met, right?”

I looked up at him. He seemed confused by my stare. “What’s wrong?”

I suddenly felt utterly ridiculous, and I actually laughed out loud.

It had been thirty-four days since we last met.

During those thirty-four days, I kept having epiphanies and then falling back into the mire, constantly wanting to find him yet holding back for fear of ruining everything, as if going through a muddled withdrawal from addiction. I often felt I had figured it out, but in the next instant, I would sink back into sadness.

But for him, nothing had happened.

How could there be such unfairness in the world? His casual stretch was a tsunami in my world.

I completely lost the desire to talk and turned my head to look at the scenery outside the window.

In the window’s reflection, he shrugged and lowered his head to play games.

It’s okay, I thought. Nothing in this world is eternal. Hormones will fade. One day, I will wake up from this humble infatuation.

It’s just that this process is so very long.

After returning home, I started preparing for the New Year.

Grandma was getting old. Inside and outside the house, there was too much work to do. I had no time to look for Cheng Xia, and he didn’t look for me either.

Actually, this was best—maintaining lukewarm contact, neither too obsessed nor too painful.

On New Year’s Eve, we ate our reunion dinner around four o’clock. Grandma stayed home to watch TV while I went to pay New Year’s respects to my mom and dad. They divorced when I was in middle school and each had new families.

There was no deep-seated resentment. I cheerfully asked for red envelopes, played a game with my little brother, ate the sugar oranges A’Yi prepared, cracked sunflower seeds with my mom and uncle, listened briefly to nagging about marriage, then stood up to say goodbye.

“Come visit whenever you’re free!”

“Sure! Go back, don’t see me out.”

Wearing a smile, I slowly walked into the cold wind. They and I both understood tacitly—there would be no “whenever you’re free” moment. Otherwise, it would be inconsiderate.

I bought some firecrackers and returned home, opening the door while saying, “Grandma, let’s set off fireworks tonight too—”

I froze completely.

Cheng Xia was sitting there.

In the ten-square-meter small room crammed full of towering recyclables—our family wasn’t poor to that extent, but Grandma always collected scraps. Everything had a layer of black, shiny grease, including the promotional plastic cup in Cheng Xia’s hand.

“Dongxue’s back?”

Cheng Xia’s mother was behind me holding a basin of fruit, smiling. “We’ve all been waiting here for you for ages.”

Why hasn’t the world ended yet?

I thought desperately.

“Xia Xia told me that this past year, Dongxue really took care of him. I thought, after eating dinner with nothing else to do, I’d bring him over to pay New Year’s respects to Grandma,” Cheng Xia’s mother said.

“What could she take care of? Xia Xia is a college student.” Grandma stroked Cheng Xia’s hand from the side. “Eat! Dongxue just bought these.”

“Mm, Grandma, you eat too.” Cheng Xia held that apple in his hand. He didn’t eat it, even though his mother had washed it herself.

“They’re childhood friends. Now with one child in each family, isn’t it just like real siblings?” Cheng Xia’s mother said cheerfully from the side.

Grandma was truly very happy, and the conversation became more absurd. “Exactly! These two have been close since they were little. Hey, I heard Xia Xia’s father works at the municipal committee. Can he arrange a job for our Dongxue? We’re all family here, nothing else matters. A girl…”