When I first entered Ulerji Village, I went door to door with my proposal, trying to persuade them to agree to the construction.

“We will definitely build the houses well! The entire village will be completely transformed!”

“Next year you’ll be able to live in houses that are both bright and warm!”

“All you uncles and aunties absolutely won’t suffer any losses!”

“I promise!”

I must have said “I promise” thousands and tens of thousands of times, until my lips were covered in white foam.

They went from initial hostility and suspicion to finally gesturing and forcibly pressing a cup of authentic Mongolian milk tea into my hands.

I had promised them, I couldn’t go back on my word.

“It’s not ‘you promise,'” Cheng Xia said calmly. “It’s the company behind you that promises. Replacing you with someone else makes no difference.”

I said, “Of course there’s a difference. Different project managers have different styles, different efficiency levels, and different understandings of the blueprints.” I continued, “Besides, this is my own proposal. Why should I hand it over to someone else?”

“So in plain words, you still want to fight for it.”

“That’s right.”

For a moment neither of us spoke again. The server brought two steaks, steaming hot vapor rushing toward our faces, carrying a mouth-watering aroma.

Actually, there was one more thing I couldn’t bring myself to say.

Ba Te had actually called me. He said the leaders were deeply impressed by me, and if I was willing to continue with this project, he would help me fight to keep this contract.

“Your company said both you and Mr. Zhao would be leaving this project. Never mind Mr. Zhao. You are absolutely the best candidate.” That Mongolian man sighed deeply over the phone. “This place is too poor. So poor that doing even a little thing is especially, especially difficult.”

He told me about how after graduating from university, he didn’t stay in Beijing or Hohhot, but instead came to one of the most remote gachas. He hadn’t thought about making sweeping changes to completely transform his hometown—the county was poor—he just wanted to do something for his hometown.

The naivety of an idealist.

“Only people who grew up in this kind of environment know how important even a small positive change is to them.”

But trying to do even a little thing brought countless obstacles crashing down immediately. After a long time, people just gave up—after all, everyone could muddle through and survive.

It was just the hunched bodies of some old people and the ignorant, numb eyes of children, generation after generation, always like this.

“Do you understand that feeling?”

I only felt that some chronic old wound, accumulated over years and months, began to ache dully.

How could I not understand?

I was born into a home full of scrap and废品. I didn’t want to work in a factory right after graduation either. I didn’t want others to go to university and study abroad with endless prospects while my destiny was to get married when I came of age and then repeat my fate.

But every time I wanted to change even a little, it was as difficult as transforming my bones and washing my marrow, while falling downward and maintaining the status quo was effortless.

“If this project goes to some local construction units, eighty percent of the time they’ll cut corners and finish it sloppily.” Ba Te said, “No one will be as serious as you, as meticulous with construction. I think you’re the best candidate.”

After he finished saying this, I finally understood why, even though I clearly knew that staying here was the better choice, I had been hesitating all along.

Changing an impoverished, remote place is very difficult—it requires countless people and countless small changes.

If people like me also gave up,

What kind of people could we expect to work for the poor?

Those people like Cheng Xia who came from good backgrounds?

Everyone would choose the better Dongdi, more comfortable environments, and then money, resources, everything beautiful would continue to flow toward places that didn’t lack money.

The poor remain poor forever—then what about girls like Ha Rina? Who would open even a crack in her world?

I couldn’t explain these things to Cheng Xia.

Even if I did, he wouldn’t understand.

I could only tell him in the most plain and simple words, “I want the project bonus, I want a promotion. Not a single cent of my hard work can benefit someone else.”

In our silence, a child at the neighboring table was swaying and singing a Minnan dialect song:

“Actually being a person for one lifetime, there aren’t many happy days

One big road split into two sides

Which side should I walk on

Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, just don’t be afraid

I’m a young person

Wind is big, rain is big, sun is big

I just dare to fight hard.”

Cheng Xia finally spoke. He asked, “Then what about me?”

I froze for a moment before realizing he had asked this question once before. Seven years ago, the howling night wind of Kenya and this question simultaneously poured into my heart.

“You keep working. This project will be finished in two years.”

Cheng Xia lowered his head and smiled slightly. “You’re still like this—you can abandon me at any time.”

“I’m not abandoning you. Whenever I have leave I’ll come back. Even if it weren’t this project, I’d still have business trips and would have to stay on construction sites for a long time.” I said, “If we’re together, you need to get used to this.”

“Yes!” Cheng Xia sighed and said, “Let’s eat. Don’t waste the food.”

I came with a stomach full of anxiety. I thought he would fight with me or go crazy like last time.

But no. Perhaps nearly a year of treatment had been effective—he accepted this matter very calmly.

We discussed the New Year, holiday arrangements, our respective terrible bosses. The atmosphere was very harmonious and lively.

Cheng Xia sat across from me. That black coat was draped over the back of his chair, his white shirt crisp and clean. In the interplay of light and shadow in the Western restaurant, he looked just like the handsome male lead from some old English film.

He had always been exactly what I liked most, whether back then or now.

At that time I didn’t yet know that dependent personality types are natural pretenders. In order to please and cling to their attachment object, they can change themselves without limits, disguising themselves as what the other person likes.

We ate the steak, ate the lobster soup braised bird’s nest, ate the crab meat salad, ate the puff pastry blueberry napoleon, and drank an entire bottle of red wine.

By the time we walked out, the rain outside had already stopped. The entire city looked fresh and clean, as if it had been washed with water.

Cheng Xia’s cheeks were a bit flushed. I reached out to touch them—very hot.

“Your alcohol tolerance is really terrible. I’ll call a car to take you back.”

He grabbed my hand as I was about to withdraw it, rubbing it against his palm like a child, and said, “No, I want to go see the sea.”

It was still early. I asked, “Where do you want to see the sea?”

“Let’s go.”

He called a car and gave an address. I thought it was some scenic spot I didn’t know about, but I never expected we would sit in the car for a full hour.

It was a beach without many people around, with several boats stopped there. Under a curved moon, there were scattered fishermen night fishing.

“Why did we come all the way here to see the sea!” I was a bit puzzled.

He didn’t speak but jumped onto one of the large boats, then extended his hand toward me.

“You… no way?”

We got on the boat. Cheng Xia gave me a key and gestured for me to open the cabin door.

I kept muttering “no way, no way,” then opened the door. The smell of seawater rushed toward me.

Cheng Xia turned on the light behind me. It was a fully equipped small room with a bed, bookshelf, table, and more importantly—

I saw “me.”

Eleven years ago, the first time I came to S City, wearing that white dress by the seaside—that photo was framed and hung there.

Because I had confessed to him and been rejected, my eyes were a bit red and swollen from crying, but I was still smiling and making a scissors hand gesture.

Me taking a selfie in their library, with Cheng Xia reading beside me.

Their school’s anniversary celebration, me wearing a feather skirt, taking a group photo with a bunch of junior girls.

Most were low quality, downloaded from QQ Space photos, placed in wooden frames, surrounded by small lights and flowers, looking especially beautiful.

The largest one was our photo together at the ski resort, properly matted and framed, placed by the window.

Outside the window was the sea under moonlight, glistening with waves.

Behind me was the sound of the door locking, followed by Cheng Xia’s airtight embrace. The hot breath of his breathing hit the back of my neck, his voice gentle: “I originally wanted to give you a surprise… Every time I miss you, I come here to arrange things.”

Ten thousand kinds of thoughts surged into my heart, but I no longer knew what to say.

My fourteen years—those days of walking alone, looking up at someone until my neck ached, secretly shedding tears—were finally seen, finally properly placed.

The lingering light of the years was like the scattered points of light on the sea, shining brilliantly.

“Let me tell you a secret.”

He kissed my neck from behind, his fingers slowly threading through my palm, interlocking fingers with mine.

“Actually, when you first came to school to find me, I was nervous as hell. Why would such a beautiful girl come looking for me?”

He held me, gently as if leading me in a dance.

“During that period at night, I couldn’t study at all. I kept dreaming about you… just like this.”

I fell onto that bed. In the dim lamplight, clothes disheveled, like a white lamb waiting to be slaughtered. He leaned down, murmuring in my ear, “I’ve always really wanted to make love with you. I even wanted to seduce you like this. I know you can’t refuse. I’m quite despicable, aren’t I?”

I said, “Yes.”

Desire was like the tide, wave after wave washing over my rationality. My hands were placed above my head by him, beginning to tremble slightly.

“After you went to Africa, I thought about you every day. What is Dongxue doing? Has she met new guys? What if someone is better than me? Will she just… forget me?”

“Sometimes I dream that you’ve come back, sitting beside me the same way, smiling at me the same way. But when I wake up, your Moments feed is just a straight line. I can’t see you anymore.”

Moonlight poured in through the window. His body was like a pale statue, leaning down to look at me with compassion.

“At that time I swore that if one day you came back to my side, I would never let you leave again.” He gave me a gentle kiss with a bloody scent. “I want to use my everything to keep you.”

I was panting violently, vaguely feeling very uneasy, but had no time to think. He was really good at stirring up bodily emotions. Even though I wasn’t enthusiastic about it, every time I lost control severely.

The night was truly absurd. When I woke up the next day, it was already afternoon.

Beauty misleads people. I had never slept this long before. I practically bounced up from the bed.

Looking out the window, my clothes were hanging outside to dry, and Cheng Xia was standing on the deck drinking beer.

I could only randomly find one of Cheng Xia’s shirts to wear and walked toward him wearing slippers.

“What are you doing?” I walked to Cheng Xia’s side. He was wearing a navy blue T-shirt, revealing his snow-white neck and collarbone, and… the bruised purple marks on them.

My face turned red with a whoosh. I quickly pretended to be experienced and said, “Dude, you worked hard last night!”

Ahhh what am I saying ahhh!

Cheng Xia was amused by me and said, “Go sleep a bit more.”

I said, “I’m not sleeping anymore. Let’s head back earlier. It feels like it’s hard to get a car here. Tomorrow I still need to go to the company!”

He was quiet for a moment, then said, “Yes, it’s hard to get a car.”

After speaking, he threw something into the sea forcefully, like skipping stones.

“What was that?”

“Phone card.”

“Huh?”

He turned around, smiling faintly, and said, “What if we stay here forever, just the two of us?”