My dad once said that I seemed to smile at everyone, but in reality my heart was the most isolated.

“Xin du” is a dialect expression from our area, describing someone who is cold-hearted by nature, fierce and ruthless.

When he left S City with my younger brother and stepmother, he cried in front of me.

“Dad is useless. Your stepmother doesn’t even prepare a hot meal for me every day… I said two words to your brother, and he raised his hand to hit me.”

A very, very long time ago, the man who put me on his shoulders to watch the lanterns had grown old, his messy hair mostly white.

I said, “Dad, hurry and get in the car. You’ll miss it.”

I had already decided long ago that from now on, our bond would only consist of one thousand yuan monthly alimony and insurance. Anything more had nothing to do with me.

Since I had decided to do it, I shouldn’t drag it out.

I had always been like this.

This was my first compromise.

The moment Cheng Xia fell into the water, the entire world fell into deathly silence. I desperately thought I was dreaming.

I jumped in. The seawater in the early morning was pitch black and bitter. I swam desperately. I wanted to save him.

But I didn’t touch anything—only an endless expanse of terror and despair.

In my mind, a voice said coldly, “He’s dead. The boy you loved most has disappeared forever. Are you satisfied now?”

I thought quietly, yes, he’s dead. Whether I succeed or not in the future, he won’t see it anymore. All those secretly imagined sweet futures no longer exist.

The whole world was very empty and very dark.

Just then, I heard someone shouting. It was that fishing boat. There were fishermen on the boat who could swim, and they also jumped in to save people.

In the chaos, Cheng Xia was taken away by ambulance and pushed into the emergency room.

I had never been this desperate before.

Over these years, I had experienced a lot, made money, bought a house, seemingly possessed many things.

But only I knew that I was still that girl who had nothing at all.

I seemed very successful at work. In reality, I lacked true irreplaceability. The big shots could kick me out at any time and replace me with someone more convenient to use.

So I couldn’t let go of any opportunity. I had to climb upward constantly without stopping for even a moment, just to temporarily forget my anxiety.

I had no friends. My only relative was a very, very old grandmother, and she had always loved her son more.

The only thing I possessed was that drive—that drive to run at full stride toward my moon.

Cheng Xia was that moon. At first, I just wanted to become the same kind of person as him, wanted to stand shoulder to shoulder with him.

But later, after possessing him, my fantasies became more concrete. I wanted to be with him forever, to have an amazing wedding, to let everyone see my beloved, and to make him proud of me…

He had long been connected by blood to my dreams.

If he died, all of this would disappear.

I would have nothing left.

——

When I came back from my memories, I was already mixing cement at the construction site on the grassland.

It was now clear autumn weather, the grass lush and abundant. The renovation of the villagers’ old houses was more than half complete.

Originally the sunrooms were for warmth, but they had become the old people’s favorite places to stay. They would sort vegetables here, sew clothes, bask in the sun. A dog lay at the old people’s feet, sleeping sprawled out on its back.

“Sis, my grandma made stewed sheep offal. Do you want some?” Ha Rina shouted to me from far away, riding on horseback.

Stewed sheep offal meant stewing a pot of sheep’s innards and eating it with noodles—spicy and hot. After eating it, you’d be covered in sweat. I loved eating it.

After finishing the work at hand, I followed Ha Rina to her home. Their family wasn’t wealthy and relied on a few sheep to make money, but her grandparents were quite generous. Whenever they made something with meat, they would call me over.

Each time I would also bring some fruit. There was no place to buy fruit here—you had to go to town.

The day I returned, Ha Rina was waiting for me on horseback at the village entrance. The fierce north wind blew her braids. She was like a sprite of the grassland.

She didn’t rush over to hug me, nor did she make a fuss, as if that afternoon phone call had never happened.

It was just that one day she ran to the construction site and came over to ask if I wanted milk tea.

We had made up, though we tacitly didn’t mention Qinglong.

The compensation for Qinglong was paid in advance by our company.

There was no choice. If this matter wasn’t handled properly, the villagers wouldn’t allow construction. With both sides in a standoff, we ultimately compromised.

I was right in the middle of eating noodles when my phone rang.

After I answered, I quickly shoveled down two more bites and prepared to leave.

Ha Rina asked, “What’s wrong? Is your boyfriend coming to see you?”

“No, my boss called me. Grandpa, Grandma, I’m leaving!”

I bowed. The old man and old woman both nodded with smiling eyes.

Ha Rina chased me to the door and asked, “So when is your boyfriend coming to see you?”

I was in a hurry and left her words behind.

——

I didn’t know if I still had a boyfriend.

Just as I didn’t know why he broke up with me.

We didn’t have a proper conversation, and I didn’t have time to tell him my decision.

His father came over, told him to rest, and refused to let me visit him again.

I was shut out of the hospital room. That evening, I still called the company.

The person the company had sent to Ulerji Village was already preparing to leave. Although they scolded me, they still preferred for me to go.

After all, Zhao Yu had been replaced, people from the original project team had resigned en masse, and I was the one who understood the situation best.

Just as I was heading to the train station, I saw Cheng Xia.

In the crowded masses, he was standing there looking for something. The afternoon sunlight fell on him like a spotlight in a stage play.

He wore a white down jacket over his hospital gown. He was still dazzlingly handsome, like rolling clouds above a wheat field.

I didn’t know how he found out about our train, and I didn’t know whether he saw me.

I only knew that at that moment I wanted to run over, wanted to talk to him, but countless words were stuck in my chest. I didn’t know what to say or how to face him.

“They’re checking tickets. Let’s go.”

Old Feng tugged at my arm and led me to the ticket gate. The crowd surged. The next instant, Cheng Xia disappeared into the masses.

I remembered a saying: people who meet in a sea of humanity will ultimately return to that sea of humanity.

Was this the ending? It was too absurd. I had spent fourteen years and an entire youth loving this person.

After getting on the train, I was still in a daze. Then Cheng Xia sent me a WeChat message, just a short sentence: “Dongxue, have a safe journey.”

He had seen me, and he had also seen Old Feng who went with me.

Yes, the person replacing Zhao Yu was Old Feng.

——

When I came out from Ha Rina’s house, Old Feng’s car was waiting for me at the construction site entrance. He opened the car window and said, “I’m taking you to meet a business partner. We won’t be back tonight.”

“Yes.”

I went into the construction site, arranged the work a bit, grabbed my toiletries, and returned to Old Feng’s car.

“Who are we meeting?”

“You’ll know when we get there.”

Old Feng still had his old habit of keeping quiet. We took turns driving for three hours. The scenery became increasingly desolate. Finally, we drove into what looked like a private farm.

Iron gates opened layer by layer. Finally, we got out of the car in an open expanse of wilderness.

Not far away in the night, there was a bonfire, and Mongolian songs could be heard. Someone seemed to be holding a bonfire party.

I got out of the car and was just about to ask Old Feng what this place was.

A loud bang. Something scorching hot flew past my face.

I was so frightened I fell to the ground.

That was…

In the twilight, I looked up in disbelief. In the distance at the villa, Chi Na was wiping the long hunting rifle in his hands while smiling toward us and saying, “Sorry, I mistook you for yellow sheep.”