The sound of ocean waves came from the darkness, layer upon layer.

Yu Shixuan said: “His tragedy, their tragedy, actually has nothing to do with you.”

I exhaled a smoke ring. Old Feng had taught me to smoke, except he had a heavy addiction while I could do without it.

I said: “The biggest connection is that I’m too much like him.”

Actually neither of us were particularly smart people. Whatever small achievements we had relied on locking onto a goal and moving forward single-mindedly.

But now, I was beginning to hesitate.

I was afraid of being like him—wanting nothing, running forward like a mad dog, without ever understanding why.

At that moment, Ha Rina suddenly came rolling and scrambling over, shouting: “Sis! Quick, call 120! Something’s wrong with Grandma!”

A firework bloomed overhead. The clock struck twelve.

The cigarette dropped from between my fingers, crashing loudly.

Grandma had leg pain and in a confused state rolled off the bed, hitting her head.

Even though it was the Spring Festival, the hospital was packed, we couldn’t get in at all. We could only get simple treatment at a small clinic.

After Grandma woke up, she clamored to go back: “Who spends New Year’s Day at the hospital? It’s bad luck. I want to go home!”

“Fine, fine, fine. All these years I’ve been asking you to get checkups—have you done them?”

“What do I need to do that for! I want to go home!”

Every year I bought her health screening packages, but because I was away year-round, I didn’t have time to督促 her to do them.

That day we still went home. On the first day of the new year, we still ate a meal of dumplings, but somehow, my heart kept pounding with anxiety.

As if something in the shadows was watching me with fierce, savage teeth.

That was fate, the fate I raced against but had never outrun.

The third day of the new year, I will never forget that bone-chilling dusk.

The doctor said it was bone cancer. The specific details still needed test results. Given the patient’s age, the family should be psychologically prepared.

I walked out from the doctor’s office. The entire world had never been so clear and sharp.

Grandma’s voice came chatting with someone:

“My granddaughter is so capable! She bought her own house, her own car, so accomplished…”

“So understanding, so hardworking. I said don’t come! But she insisted on coming to the hospital, wasting this money!”

I watched her beaming with joy, and an inexplicable fire rose in my heart.

I wanted to rush over and loudly question her why she didn’t go to the hospital when her leg hurt for so long!

Why when I told her to get regular checkups, she never listened!

Still bragging here! What’s there to brag about!

If your granddaughter was really good, she wouldn’t have left you alone! She wouldn’t have not even known that your leg hurt so much you couldn’t sleep!

I slowly walked over. Grandma looked up and said: “How was it?”

“Said you… have osteoporosis. Told you not to be careful!”

Grandma said proudly to the person across from her: “See, told you it was a minor issue! She insisted on coming!”

“Your granddaughter is so filial! You’re so blessed!”

I pulled her hand and slowly walked out. Her hand was full of wrinkles, veins protruding, yet very warm.

It was this hand that held little me, never letting go no matter how bitter and difficult the days were.

When it truly let go was when I said: “Grandma, I’m going to Africa to make big money.”

Only then did she nod forcefully, grinning with her toothless mouth: “I think it’ll work. My granddaughter will be successful.”

That New Year holiday, I took her to Beijing.

It was Yu Shixuan who helped me find connections. After the New Year, I finally got an appointment at Jishuitan Hospital.

She was confirmed to have bone cancer.

The doctor recommended conservative treatment.

Considering the patient’s advanced age, the high cost, and uncertain prognosis.

I stood before that professional, cold doctor, my back bowed as if under an unbearable weight.

I said: “I know, doctor, the advice you’re giving is very sound.”

I said: “But you’ve also seen that her body has always been very robust, all indicators are normal.”

I said: “I’m not afraid of spending money. However much it costs is fine, as long as it can keep her alive…”

I don’t know what I said. My usually silver-tongued eloquence was pale and powerless at this moment. I didn’t know what to say to make the doctor before me change his mind.

Just as I didn’t know what to do to make Death change his mind.

I could only keep talking and talking, until he showed slight impatience, indicated he understood, and told me to leave.

I walked dejectedly through the corridor. I don’t know how long I walked before I slowly, slowly crouched down on the floor.

In these ten years, the number of times I’d been home could be counted on one hand.

Each time I only had time to eat two bites of her cooking before falling asleep, and when I woke up, I had to leave again.

She always repeatedly confirmed: “Leaving on the 4th? What time is the train again?”

Until I became impatient and lost my temper, then she would stop asking.

I always felt there was still time.

Still time to take her traveling, to be filial to her, to spend long, long days with her.

I heard countless drumbeats exploding in my ears, near and far, like heartbeats, like New Year’s salutes.

I don’t know how long passed before I realized it was my phone ringing.

It was General Manager An’s secretary, asking when I would return to the company.

General Manager An’s office was always 24 degrees Celsius. Because too many green plants were displayed, there was always a sense of moisture and mist.

“Have you been adapting well at the company recently? Have you encountered anything recently? Why do you keep requesting leave?”

General Manager An’s secretary was a fairly amiable woman named Zhao Hui. She spoke like a spring breeze, but with needles hidden in cotton.

“Pretty good. Director Jiang and my colleagues take good care of me.” I said: “There have been some personal matters at home recently. I’m quite embarrassed about it.”

“You’re a talent that General Manager An values highly. This time breaking convention to bring you into the company, in a sense, also represents General Manager An’s reputation.” She smiled slightly, finally cutting to the point: “If you can’t keep up with the pace, General Manager An will be in a difficult position.”

“Of course, but I really haven’t worked much in an office before. There may indeed be gaps between me and my colleagues… Is there something I’ve done that displeases leadership?”

She showed a bit of appreciation for “how refreshing it is to deal with smart people” and said: “Don’t misunderstand. Everyone quite recognizes your qualifications, but indeed in the office, we haven’t really brought out your strengths.”

In other words, they didn’t recognize my performance during this period of work.

Anxiety rose inside me. Right when I needed money, this job—please, please don’t have any problems.

“Personally, I feel the place that best brings out your advantages still has to be on-site.”

She handed me a project proposal, saying: “The domestic market isn’t doing well. The company’s development focus these past two years has been overseas. Your experience is very rich. For the chief engineer position on this project, General Manager An is considering you.”

I glanced at it. It was a bridge project in Myanmar.

I hesitated.

The company had never done projects in Myanmar before, which meant I would be the first wave of troops, starting from scratch.

The difficulty and mental effort required would be unimaginable.

She saw my hesitation and said: “Of course, there are a few other candidates, but I think this is a good opportunity for you. If you can crack this hard nut, in the future at headquarters, you’ll have truly established yourself.”

The subtext of this sentence was:

If you don’t take this project, your position at headquarters will be in jeopardy.

I put away that document and said: “Sister Zhao, please give me some time to think about it.”

Grandma was still in Beijing.

I returned home early, organized her change of clothes and medical records, then took a taxi to the high-speed rail station.

There was still a two-hour gap before the train departed. I went to a convenience store to buy a bottle of baijiu and sat in McDonald’s drinking it.

Grandma was about to have surgery. These past days I’d been rushing between two places, delaying a lot of work. No wonder Director Jiang had opinions about me.

Even if he said nothing, this project would be assigned to me sooner or later.

Old Feng’s downfall had everyone kicking him while he was down. Now he had become a negative example.

But the company couldn’t do without fearless people who could fight hard battles. The reason Old Feng rose to power before was because hardships others couldn’t bear, he could bear; projects others couldn’t crack, he could complete—at the time the company didn’t care whether his methods were clean.

Now that Old Feng was gone, I was his successor.

If I couldn’t take his place, or even couldn’t lead projects—why would General Manager An keep me, to make PowerPoints in the office?

Being dismissed was only a matter of time.

But Grandma was still lying in the hospital. She had no medical insurance. The insurance I bought for her could only cover part of it.

I still had to pay my mortgage. I needed a lot of money, so much money.

But if I left.

I might very likely never see her again.

No matter how cleverly I concealed it, she already knew something.

Last night at midnight, she suddenly sighed deeply and said: “Aiya, when are you leaving this time? We haven’t properly spent a few days together, alas.”

She would be like all these years, stroking my photograph, lying in the hospital bed alone waiting to die.