It was nothing much, but my head went boom, and every single hair on my body stood on end in that instant.

I typed in the comment section, typing then deleting, not knowing how much time had passed before I finally heard someone calling me.

“Dongxue, why does your complexion look so bad?”

It was Old Feng’s driver. He said, “Did you drink too much? Mr. Feng asked me to send you back.”

“No, that’s not necessary.”

I stood up, too hastily and even knocked over a wine glass. I couldn’t be bothered to clean it up and got up to leave. “I’m so sorry, there’s something happening at home… Please tell Mr. Feng for me.”

I rushed to Cheng Xia’s school almost in a panic, unable to choose my path properly. I called his phone but he didn’t pick up, so I could only wait downstairs at his dormitory building. During this time I neurotically refreshed his Moments feed over and over again.

It couldn’t be. We met every week, there had been no signs at all.

But he didn’t have the habit of posting to Moments at all… Even if he did post, it shouldn’t be like this…

Close to eleven o’clock, he finally replied to his undergraduate roommate in the comments. He didn’t know that I had long ago added all of his friends.

Fang Qiang: Who’s the girl in P2? [smirk emoji]

Cheng Xia replied to Fang Qiang: My manager [smirk emoji]

Cheng Xia: Yes, I’m Leo Ku.

It took me a very long time to react and realize that at that time Leo Ku had just officially announced his relationship, and the other party was his manager.

Another hour passed before Cheng Xia replied to my WeChat message: My phone died just now, what’s up?

“Want to ask you about something architecture-related.” I tried hard to keep my tone calm. “Where are you?”

“I just got back to the dorm and plugged in my phone to charge. I drank today, can I call you tomorrow?”

“Okay.”

I wanted to desperately construct a suitable reason for him, I wanted to desperately pretend that nothing had happened, but I couldn’t say anything at all. I could only press the power button with all my might, like suffocating a roaring wild beast.

That night, I stayed downstairs at their dormitory building for a very long time. He never came back.

I was back in that night of howling sea winds from his freshman year, except this time the journey home was too short, not long enough for the sea wind to blow tears from my eyes.

All these years, I had stayed by his side, and in my fantasies he was waiting for me, waiting for me to work hard to become a little better, good enough to stand beside him.

I thought this was our unspoken understanding, but he wasn’t waiting for me, he never was.

He just happened not to have met a girl who made his heart flutter, that’s all.

I spent those days in a daze.

Like a thief who couldn’t see the light, I went to spy on that girl’s Weibo. She was the kind of girl with a good family background, innocent and interesting.

She shared her TOEFL scores, shared her trips to Disneyland, shared her home that was as beautiful as something from a TV drama, and her mother was like her sister. She called her father Old Huang, and under the beauty filter Old Huang had a dignified face, though you could still tell he was a successful person.

I clicked into every one of her friends’ Weibo accounts, desperately hungry for even a tiny bit of proof that this perfect little princess also had flaws.

But there was nothing. She came from Peking University, with credentials even more dazzling than Cheng Xia’s, no complicated interpersonal relationships, no unsavory hobbies of any kind. The more information I got about her, the more perfect she became.

This standard answer was so perfect it frightened me.

During this time my dad called me several times, beating around the bush to ask if Cheng Xia’s family could help with my little brother’s schooling.

I said, “Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

Why are you still working as a security guard at your age? Why did you divorce my mom? Why did you make me lower than others from the moment I was born?

…Why do you always make me feel ashamed…

These most secret and most despicable thoughts were difficult to speak aloud, but their very existence proved my vanity and filthiness. I felt ashamed of myself.

A girl as kind and pure as her should never have had such sordid thoughts in her heart.

Of course, she would never have to face this kind of self-interrogation either.

“Dongxue?” My dad asked again.

“Dad, getting into First High School even with rock-solid connections costs over a hundred thousand now! Not to mention we’d be asking the Cheng family.” I said, “I asked around, Xiao Tao’s scores are enough to get into Second High through school selection. I’ll pay the school selection fee!”

“You? How much money do you even have?” My dad’s voice got louder. “I’m just asking you to inquire, if not we’ll go to vocational school! You’re in the big city, how can you manage without money by your side!”

…This was life. Blood ties couldn’t be severed, love and hate were both incomplete.

After putting down the phone, I washed my face and came out of the bathroom. A colleague told me, “Old Feng is calling for you.”

There was a bit of schadenfreude in my colleague’s eyes. I walked in anxiously. Old Feng was working. I stood there for a long time before he finally spoke, saying, “Lately… you’ve been a bit careless with work, haven’t you?”

I suddenly clenched my fists.

After work that day, I went to find Cheng Xia. He was playing basketball, so I waited by the court.

“Hey, long time no see, how come you have time to come find me today?” He took the water from my hand and chugged a bellyful.

His profile glowed in the setting sun. I had to admit, in terms of appearance, he was worthy of this grand secret love of mine.

“Got my paycheck, bought you some things.” I said with a smile.

He took the things from my hand, pretending they were heavy. “How much did you buy!”

“This is nothing! There’s more on the way. Come on, I’ll treat you to something good,” I said cheerfully.

He hesitated for a moment and said, “My friend asked me to have dinner together tonight, want to join us?”

When he said this, his gaze didn’t dodge even slightly, looking at me so directly and openly.

I tried hard to squeeze out a smile, but failed.

“No,” I said. “Just you and me, okay?”

He looked at me for a while, probably not expecting me to be so forceful, then smiled and said, “Alright, then I’m eating something expensive!”

We went to the most expensive buffet in the city center, six hundred per person. Every time I passed by I wondered in my heart, what kind of people would come to eat at a place like this?

And now I had finally come, and it was nothing special after all.

“What’s wrong with you? Did you rob a bank?” Cheng Xia said teasingly while sending WeChat messages without lifting his head.

“Just wanted to eat something good, and when I have good things I think of you. Haven’t I always been like this?” I looked at him, smiling very gently.

He looked at me somewhat baffled and said, “Why are you acting so strange?”

All these years, I had always carefully guarded the boundaries, never saying anything flirtatious to him again, staying securely in the position of “friend.”

But now, I didn’t want to endure it anymore. The map exhausted, the dagger revealed—in my heart there was a gleaming dagger.

We sat by the floor-to-ceiling windows on the 25th floor, able to see the ocean in the darkness and the brilliantly radiant lights of the city. I kept drinking, and he kept his head down sending WeChat messages.

I finally drank enough alcohol, lifted my head, and said, “Cheng Xia, I have something to tell you.”

“Dongxue,” he suddenly put down his phone and said, “I have something to do. I need to leave first.”

“What is it?”

“Ah, just something.” He stood up and said, “Sorry, this meal is on me.”

“Your girlfriend is looking for you, right?” I suddenly spoke, looking directly into his eyes. “We’ve been friends for so many years, why didn’t you tell me?”

He froze, somewhat at a loss. “Ah…”

“Cheng Xia, since high school I’ve been asking you one question—will you ever like me or not? You’ve never answered.”

He frowned.

“Because I like you, all these years I’ve been working hard to chase after your footsteps, helping you arrange programs, helping your family by driving, accompanying you to study and write papers. You never refused. You…” I smiled and said, “Why?”

“I told you, I consider you a very important friend.”

“Fuck your goddamn friend!” I said. “You clearly knew what kind of feelings I had staying by your side, you clearly knew that if you gave me even a little benefit, I would understand it as having hope. You knew all of it and you still did this… Don’t you think that’s shameless?”

Cheng Xia didn’t speak anymore. He looked at me coldly, like looking at a clown going crazy.

After a long time, he finally spoke, saying, “So? What do you want to say?”

“Stop stringing me along like this and give me a clean break.” I looked up at him, my voice as steady as a negotiation. “Will you ever like me or not?”

“No.”

That answer was finally spoken by him cleanly and decisively.

“My girlfriend just sent me a WeChat message saying she has a cold, and I need to bring her medicine.” He said, “The reason I didn’t tell you isn’t because I wanted to string you along, but because I felt that as such good friends, I should formally introduce you two properly.”

He stood under the crystal chandelier, his eyes as cold and detached as a stranger’s.

“Toward you, my conscience is clear. I told you long ago that I don’t like you. I didn’t say it too harshly because I didn’t want you to be too hurt.” He even smiled a little and said, “I’m really sorry.”

After saying this, he grabbed his coat and left.

He had been gone for a long time, and I still sat there. I had to keep my spine straight so I wouldn’t collapse on the ground from humiliation and shame.

Actually, tonight I had originally prepared to make my last attempt in life.

After all, this might be our last meeting—today Old Feng told me that there was a project in Africa, lasting three years, with double the salary, and he needed an accompanying staff member.

“Our department has limited upward mobility. If you don’t have solid project experience, your chances of being promoted to project manager are very slim. That’s all I’ll say, consider it carefully.”