Recently, I’ve Started Having Insomnia
Insomnia often brings immense suffering. In the quiet of the night, facing the silent world of darkness, you become much more calm and rational than during the day. After such calm and rationality, you sadly discover that you often get very close to the truth and essence of things. For those accustomed to being ostriches, this instills fear and unease. At least, that’s how I perceive it.
Thinking about the past, the present, the future, interpersonal relationships, how to conduct oneself, past naivety, and current growth—since I can’t sleep anyway, I might as well make meaningful use of the time.
Many thoughts often lead nowhere. In other words, thinking about them is futile. Yet, I stubbornly keep thinking, with many ideas entangled together. Forcefully untangling them is impossible; pulling harder only exacerbates their entanglement, leading to trouble and pain. So, the only way is to let them entangle while I observe.
Shen Xifan lay wide awake, listening to the ticking of the clock. She gave up resisting insomnia, resigned to staring into the vast darkness, her thoughts wandering.
She sighed and turned over. It had been five days in a row. If this continued, she would go mad. The tension from the day refused to relax at night. Working in a hotel was already a high-intensity job, especially as a manager in the housekeeping department. She wondered if she might die from overwork.
Thinking about work brought her inexplicable anxiety. She couldn’t say if she liked or disliked the job, only that it was enough to make a living. Despite securing the job through personal connections, smoothly ascending to the managerial position within three years, and projecting an image of success to outsiders, the pressure persisted. Now, she was losing sleep over it.
Hugging her pillow, she groaned and knelt on the bed, deciding that she must get some sleeping pills from the hospital the next day.
She finally fell into a hazy sleep, but not long after, her mother’s call woke her up. It was just past seven. She felt like crying but had no tears. After finally drifting into sleep, she was abruptly awakened once more.
As usual, Shen’s mother nagged, “Fan Fan, Aunt Wang next door wants to introduce a young man to you. He’s a returnee. Though he’s not very good-looking, he has a house and a car…”
Shen Xifan, irritated due to lack of sleep, snapped, “To hell with the returnee! Who cares!”
Her mother exclaimed in surprise, “Fan Fan, are you still not awake?”
“I haven’t slept at all, Mom. I’ve been suffering from insomnia and feel like I’m dying. Ask Aunt Yang to get me some sleeping pills. If this continues, your daughter will turn into a skeleton!”
Her mother accused, “You can’t just take sleeping pills, Fan Fan. Why don’t you see a traditional Chinese medicine doctor? Herbal treatments can be effective too. “Your father was upset and improved after just two doses…”
Shen Xifan scratched her head, thinking that maybe seeing a TCM doctor wouldn’t be a bad idea. She had nothing but money left, and now even sleep was out of reach.
In the TCM clinic, she waited for a long time without seeing anyone. The TCM building stood deserted, with only a few people across the street at a large pharmacy. They held prescriptions and small scales, amidst neatly arranged small compartments. She remembered how, as a child, her grandmother would take her to a famous old TCM doctor whenever she had a cough. A cure required only three doses.
Suddenly, a nurse appeared. Shen Xifan quickly called out, “Nurse, where’s the doctor?”
The nurse glanced at her medical record and apologized, “Sorry, miss. Dr. He just went to the acupuncture room. I’ll call him for you. Please wait a moment.”
Just then, a tall man came out from the innermost room, supporting an elderly gentleman. The nurse pointed at Shen Xifan and called out, “Dr. He, you have a patient!”
Shen Xifan had expected TCM doctors to be elderly with white hair and beards. She had never seen such a young doctor, and he was very handsome—truly handsome. Even among the elite guests she received at the hotel, this man could score over ninety. However, his expression was cold.
Feeling regretful, Shen Xifan wished she had dressed better instead of showing up in casual clothes with dark circles under her eyes.
The doctor asked, “What’s troubling you?”
Shen Xifan grumbled, “Insomnia, for five days straight!”
To her surprise, the doctor smiled, revealing a deep dimple on his right cheek, “That’s not insomnia. But have you always had poor sleep?”
She thought for a moment and nodded, “I have trouble falling asleep, wake up easily, and can’t fall back asleep. Recently, I haven’t slept at all.”
He pointed to the armrest, “Let me take your pulse.”
His warm fingers touched her cold wrist, making her feel uneasy. Though she knew he was just doing his job, she felt a bit nervous, especially facing such a handsome face. She prayed he wouldn’t notice her slightly accelerated heartbeat.
After a moment, the doctor removed his hand, flipped open her medical record, and gave a diagnostic conclusion, “You have a deficient constitution and emotional stress; your liver and kidney yin is deficient, and your liver yang is hyperactive, leading to insomnia from excessive internal heat and overthinking. This damages your heart and spleen.”
Stunned, she murmured, “Is it that serious?” Am I beyond help?”
The doctor’s expression shifted slightly to surprise before he smiled and explained, “Your constitution is inherently weak, and some worries have exacerbated it, leading to internal heat.” Do you often feel irritable, restless, have trouble sleeping, mouth sores, and dry mouth?”
Shen Xifan muttered, “Wow, you hit the nail on the head!”
The doctor began writing a prescription, “I’ll give you a month’s worth of medicine. Treating insomnia usually takes time, so be patient. Maintain a regular lifestyle, avoid alcohol and coffee, and—” He glanced at her, “Girls shouldn’t be too competitive. Relax and try activities like yoga.”
“But is there any medicine that can make me sleep tonight? I’m desperate for sleep!”
The doctor seemed incredulous but patiently replied, “Run three laps around the hospital. “When you’re exhausted, falling asleep comes naturally.”
Left speechless, Shen Xifan watched him write the prescription. She noticed his name badge was blurry. She leaned in slightly, discerning that he was an attending physician, but couldn’t read his name. The doctor noticed and asked, “Is there something unusual about me?”
Feeling awkward, Shen Xifan quickly shook her head, “No, I was just looking at the medicine you’re prescribing.”
He smiled and pointed to the prescription, explaining, “Huang Lian and Huang Qin to clear the heart, Dang Gui, Sheng Di, Shao Yao, and Zao Ren to nourish yin and blood, Gan Cao to harmonize, Dou Chi and Zhu Ru to clear stagnation, and Bai Zi Ren, Wu Wei Zi, and He Huan Pi to calm the heart.”
Shen Xifan nodded as if she understood, even though she didn’t. The doctor kindly added, “Take the prescription and pay over there. Are you getting it pre-decocted?” He wrote “pre-decocted” on the prescription. “You can pick up the first three doses at 4 PM today.”
She agreed, took her medical record, and left the clinic. Upon stepping outside, she noticed the prescription signed with his name—”He Suye.” Curiosity piqued, Suye sounded like the name of a medicinal herb.
At noon, she went home and received a call from her mother. “Fan Fan, did you see the doctor? Oh, you’re taking Chinese medicine? Good, good. By the way, I need to tell you something. Tonight…”
Shen Xifan immediately interrupted, “I’m not going on any blind date, Mom. Give it up!”
“No, no, it’s not a blind date,” her mother quickly explained. “Just a family dinner. You’ve been so busy with work that you’ve forgotten about your parents. We’re like lonely old people at home!”
Feeling slightly guilty, Shen Xifan reluctantly agreed, “Alright, alright. I know. But I need to pick up my Chinese medicine this afternoon.”
Her mother, seizing the opportunity, said, “Great! Meet us at the Starbucks in the Dayang Plaza at six!”
In the afternoon, Shen Xifan slept soundly, as if touched by some magical aura from the TCM clinic. She slept until five o’clock and woke up with a start, realizing she was late. She hurriedly dressed and took a taxi to the hospital.
People were gradually leaving the outpatient department. She rushed to the pharmacy, finding its lights half off. Regretting her delay, she muttered, “Oh no, my medicine!”
Luckily, the window wasn’t fully closed. She looked around but hesitated to call out. Holding her receipt, she felt awkward. Just then, the doctor from the morning stepped out of the dispensing room. Seeing her, he smiled and said, “I was waiting for you. We close at 5:30.”
Shen Xifan felt like she should bow and apologize but was relieved to see the doctor’s face showed no annoyance. He handed her a package of medicine and instructed, “Twice a day. Come back in three days for the next batch.”
He spoke with a dimple that appeared and disappeared, making him look so young! She immediately understood that without his cool demeanor, who would trust such a youthful-looking doctor?
Naturally, Shen Xifan was late. She arrived carrying a big bag of Chinese medicine, with no makeup on. When her mother saw her, she gave her a light slap on the head, prompting Shen Xifan to protest, “I’m a patient, remember!”
At the restaurant, Shen Xifan was surprised and pleased that her mother had finally decided not to praise home-cooked meals and instead invited her to French cuisine. But soon, she saw an aunt with a beaming smile approach their table.
“Why is there someone else? Is it Dad?” she asked while washing her hands.
“No, your dad had something come up at school. I invited an old friend who lives nearby. Oh, and her son is coming too,” her mother replied with an innocent smile.
What could she do?
When she sat down, a young man had already taken a seat next to the aunt, sneezing and clearing his throat loudly. She frowned; she couldn’t stand people who drew attention to themselves, especially someone who looked more like the horse than the prince beside it.
“Have you been waiting long?” she asked politely.
He looked up, his expression changing slightly with a hint of surprise. She was secretly pleased. Even without makeup, Shen Xifan knew she was attractive.
“Yes, I have another event to attend soon. Aren’t you a bit young to be on a blind date?” he said thoughtfully, but she caught a slight hint of arrogance or disdain in his eyes.
Shen Xifan didn’t want to engage with him. So what if he was a wealthy bachelor? There were plenty of those at the hotel. She focused on her foie gras and cheesecake.
The “white horse” was somewhat surprised. Shen Xifan’s elegant demeanor immediately won him over, and he began to talk, ranging from mother-child relationships to the Iranian nuclear issue, finally ending with, “What do you like?”
“Work,” she replied nonchalantly. “As a hotel manager, I’m always thinking about the guests.”
He wasn’t fazed and even found a topic, “Yes, work is good. I love working too…”
Shen Xifan quickly pretended to check her watch, “Oh, I have to work tonight. You all continue eating.”
With that, she left in a huff.
Her mother was furious. She had taken a liking to this “white horse.” Just as she was about to call Shen Xifan back, the young man leaped up and chased after her.
“Miss Shen!” the “white horse” cried out, “Please, go out with me!”
Shen Xifan paled with fright and shook her hands, saying, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t made that decision yet!”
“Bai Horse” muttered to himself, “Miss Shen is beautiful, her work is excellent, and most importantly, she’s very ambitious. I admire this about her. A woman should be financially independent. I detest those who rely on others like helpless birds…”
Despite feeling a sense of certainty, she wanted to vomit blood, but managed to feign a pitiful look. “Thank you, but I’m ill!”
“White Horse” was surprised, “Miss Shen, what illness do you have? Is it serious?”
“I have gynecological issues!” She lifted the bag of Chinese medicine. “You know, working in our hotel industry, it’s unavoidable…”
Before she could finish her sentence, “White Horse” dashed away. Shen Xifan took a few steps, then burst into laughter as she entered the bathroom. With no one around, she couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably, leaning against the wall.