“…” Shu Nian stared at him blankly, breathing out puffs of white mist that dispersed into the air. Her vision seemed to blur, the background melting into patches of color, nothing clear except his face which remained as distinct as ever.

The pounding rain seemed to suddenly cut off, and the world fell silent.

Shu Nian could only hear her heart’s ceaseless pounding, amplified in her mind, drowning out all reason. At that moment, she didn’t want to consider anything, didn’t want to appear timid in front of someone important to her.

She didn’t want her right to like someone to come with so many conditions attached.

She just wanted to follow her heart, to grab his hand, smile at him, and honestly tell him—

You don’t need to pursue me, I like you too.

I’ve been secretly liking you for some time now, but I was worried you liked someone else, worried you didn’t like me, so I didn’t dare tell you, afraid you would distance yourself from me if you knew.

Thankfully, you like me too.

I’m very happy.

Shu Nian wanted to tell him this.

She wanted to tell him this.

But when a person has been timid for so long, summoning courage again becomes extremely difficult. She would consider too much, imagine hundreds of future possibilities, and fear that future.

The impulse born from desire might not lead to a new way out.

But rather, a tunnel without light and end.

It was her dark tunnel, and she shouldn’t drag Xie Ru He into it.

He just liked her; he had no obligation to become her savior.

Shu Nian abandoned that response, looking at him with trembling eyelashes, her round eyes misted over in the rainy weather. She clutched her sleeve tightly, feeling a tightness in her chest and a lump in her throat.

She should refuse him.

The most rational action would be to refuse him.

If she could promptly cut off these feelings, and sever this budding emotion, then all the potential future unpleasantness would never happen.

Xie Ru He seemed unaware of what she was about to say, still looking at her with a patient, gentle expression, though with hints of nervousness and awkwardness, as raw as a young man.

Shu Nian suddenly couldn’t speak.

If she rejected him and told him not to do this anymore, he would probably be unhappy. His emotions had always been reserved; surely she must have shown signs of affection first for him to say such things.

Shu Nian didn’t want her cowardice to make Xie Ru He’s courage worthless.

She didn’t want that.

Perhaps because she hadn’t responded for so long, Xie Ru He gradually understood her meaning. He touched his neck, looked at the rain outside, and awkwardly changed the subject: “The rain has lessened. Let me take you home first.”

“…” An awkward atmosphere spread instantly.

Xie Ru He lowered his eyes, about to open his umbrella.

The next moment, Shu Nian suddenly grabbed his wrist.

Xie Ru He paused, turning to look at her.

“It’s just…” Shu Nian didn’t know what to say, only feeling that she couldn’t let the matter end like this, wanting to try harder. She wanted to tell him all the things she wanted to say, to say everything.

Xie Ru He was still waiting.

Shu Nian sniffled, slowly releasing his hand. Those feelings she dared not express, dared not confess, in the end, became an extremely humble statement: “It’s just… I have a psychological illness.”

“…”

She wanted to fight for herself this once.

If it didn’t work out, so be it.

If it didn’t work out, there seemed to be nothing to lose.

Shu Nian hung her head, her voice extremely low, like a timid kitten: “I think you should reconsider… whether or not to like me…”

Hearing this, Xie Ru He’s expression froze.

“I don’t think I misunderstood,” Shu Nian was nervous, her palms sweating, her words making little sense, “That is, when you said you were pursuing me, it should mean you like me…”

Xie Ru He’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and he suddenly called out to her: “Shu Nian.”

“Hmm, yes?” Shu Nian didn’t dare look at him, adding softly, “If you mind, it’s okay…”

Xie Ru He asked hoarsely: “Can you tell me what illness you have?”

“PTSD,” Shu Nian explained honestly, “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Trauma.

Xie Ru He had never learned about this illness and didn’t know its severity. But from Shu Nian’s previous behavior, he felt something very bad had happened, something so bad he dared not imagine.

Thinking that she had experienced such a desperate situation made Xie Ru He almost unable to breathe.

“Shu Nian, what happened to you?” Xie Ru He tried to make his voice as gentle as possible, trying not to frighten her. “Can you tell me?”

Shu Nian remained silent for a few seconds, then shook her head.

Xie Ru He understood all her concerns and didn’t press further: “Alright. It’s too cold out here, let’s go back first.”

“You’ll be unhappy,” Shu Nian suddenly blurted out. “I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

Xie Ru He opened the umbrella, thinking he had misheard, and asked again: “I’ll be unhappy?”

That scar wasn’t just hers alone.

Once spoken about, it might also reopen Xie Ru He’s scars.

That wasn’t a scene she wanted to see.

Shu Nian suddenly recalled the first and only time she saw Xie Ru He cry. She became a bit dazed, unconsciously nodding, murmuring: “You should just stay as you are now.”

Hoping that no suffering would ever entangle you again.

That you could laugh freely, see who you want to see, do what you want to do; no longer be tormented by nightmares, no longer have that moment of falling into the abyss, and no longer remember that scene.

May you have escaped hell and gained a new life.

Never revisiting memories, never seeing people who cause you pain.

And never, hearing others mention your painful memories.

…

On New Year’s Eve, Ji Xiang Ning took Xie Ru He away from the Xie family and moved to an apartment on the street corner. She was considering returning to Ru Chuan to find Ji Xing Huai while discussing divorce matters with Xie Ji.

For an unworthy man, Ji Xiang Ning had cut off contact with her family, no longer associating with her father who had treasured her like a precious jewel. She hesitated for a long time but still couldn’t bring herself to call Ji Xing Huai.

Ji Xiang Ning greatly respected Xie Ru He’s opinion and discussed it with him. They finally decided to take him to Ru Chuan City after his first year of high school ended.

Xie Ru He told Shu Nian about this.

During that time, Shu Nian always felt downhearted.

On one hand, she was happy for Xie Ru He, that he could leave this place, go to a better environment, and study the music he loved; on the other hand, she felt sad and reluctant about his upcoming departure.

Noticing her mood, Xie Ru He didn’t say much, only telling her: “Don’t be sad, I’ll come find you.”

Meanwhile.

From Ji Xiang Ning’s attitude, Xie Ji recognized the severity of the situation, becoming anxious and fearful.

He was extremely afraid of Ji Xiang Ning leaving him.

In the past, no matter how serious the situation, no matter how much Xie Ji hurt her or said hurtful things, Ji Xiang Ning had never mentioned “divorce.”

Over time, Xie Ji thought Ji Xiang Ning had no bottom line when it came to him.

Only she could endure everything about him.

Xie Ji begged her many times, almost kneeling. But Ji Xiang Ning’s attitude was resolute, and her eyes no longer held the infatuation and love of before, only dead water.

This tug-of-war continued for nearly two months. Xie Ji even threatened suicide, but it had no effect.

Finally, Xie Ji compromised.

They agreed to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to process the divorce.

But that day, when Xie Ru He returned to the apartment after school, he didn’t see Ji Xiang Ning. He waited at home until dark, feeling something wasn’t right, and called her.

But received a message that her phone was powered off.

Xie Ru He called Xie Ji and learned that he had been drinking all of the previous night and was still dead drunk, having never gone to the civil affairs bureau.

His eyelid twitched, and he had an inexplicable bad feeling. He searched all the places Ji Xiang Ning might have gone.

Still, he couldn’t find her.

At that time, Xie Ru was just a child.

When facing such a situation, he didn’t know what to do, only that he needed to ask adults for help. But his father was drunk, so he could only seek help from his grandparents.

However, his grandparents were still dissatisfied with Ji Xiang Ning’s proposal for divorce and told him he was making a big deal out of nothing.

They told him not to worry, and that Ji Xiang Ning would be back later.

Xie Ru He felt uneasy and went to find Shu Nian.

The town was so small, how could someone not be found? Besides, Ji Xiang Ning had always been a well-organized person; she did many things with consideration and wouldn’t make others worry.

After hearing what he said, Shu Nian was also worried and immediately ran home to tell Deng Qing Yu.

Although Deng Qing Yu didn’t like Shu Nian playing with Xie Ru He, she was also concerned that something might have happened and quickly took the two children to the police station to explain the general situation.

Although Xie Ru He hoped he was overthinking.

Perhaps Ji Xiang Ning’s phone just ran out of battery, or she stayed too long at the supermarket, or couldn’t catch the town’s small bus, or she met someone she knew and chatted for a while.

But it wasn’t like that.

Things seemed to be developing towards the worst possibility.

That night, Ji Xiang Ning didn’t come home and there was no news at all.

Still in school, Xie Ru He didn’t go to class, searching everywhere for Ji Xiang Ning. Understanding his feelings, Shu Nian resolutely skipped class and went with him to search.

Although the two were together, they barely talked.

Shu Nian didn’t know how to comfort him and didn’t dare tell him what others were discussing about his mother’s disappearance. They said it might be the killer who had killed Chen Xiang who had caught Ji Xiang Ning.

People inexplicably thought of that major incident from back then.

After all, until now, the murderer had not been caught.

A week later, the rumors were confirmed.

The police finally had news, finding Ji Xiang Ning’s body next to a garbage bin on Culture Street.

Shu Nian followed Xie Ru He to the scene, staying by his side. She accompanied him through that difficult time and would never forget how he looked when he saw Ji Xiang Ning lying cold on the ground.

At that moment, Xie Ru He completely broke down, letting out an extremely desperate cry, hysterical, tears streaming down as if stained with blood. It was as if he too had lost the will to live, the light in his eyes extinguished in an instant.

It was the first time Shu Nian saw him cry.

A sixteen-year-old boy, about to escape his demon-like father, about to escape that kind of family, about to go live a good life with his mother who had suffered so much with him.

They were just about to have a new life.

Yet Ji Xiang Ning, right before his eyes, left this world in such a way.

At that time, Xie Ji was also nearby. Seeing Ji Xiang Ning’s body, he stood in disbelief, then fell to his knees in a daze, suddenly bursting into loud sobs.

Noticing his presence, Xie Ru He’s gaze paused, and he suddenly rushed over to grab his neck, his entire body filled with murderous intent.

In his mind were the words Xie Ji had said to Ji Xiang Ning on New Year’s Eve.

—”You’re the one who’s crazy, get out! I’m telling you! Don’t you dare associate with that dog of a man next door, if you dare betray me! I’ll kill you outright! I’ll kill you outright!!!”

Xie Ru He’s eyes were as red as blood, the hatred in them seemingly wanting to perish together with Xie Ji. He gritted his teeth, saying word by word: “Did you kill her?”

…

…

Xie Ru He walked Shu Nian to the entrance of her building.

Along the way, they didn’t have any other conversation. Xie Ru He didn’t follow Shu Nian upstairs, just stood outside the main door watching her, as if wanting to see her enter before leaving.

Shu Nian pressed her lips together, fumbling in her bag for her keys.

She stood still, her thoughts constantly on how she had asked Xie Ru He if he minded her psychological illness, but he hadn’t answered. Shu Nian felt that after today, she definitely wouldn’t have the courage to bring it up again.

Shu Nian couldn’t help but look back.

Xie Ru He was still standing at the main door below, wearing a fitted coat, quietly watching her.

They stood opposite each other, one tall, one short.

Seeing her looking back, Xie Ru He asked: “What’s wrong?”

Shu Nian quickly shook her head: “Nothing.”

Perhaps it was the night’s bewitchment, but Shu Nian felt a little unsatisfied, although she thought the current distance between them was the most appropriate.

After a pause, she took a deep breath, as if throwing caution to the wind, and repeated: “About what I said earlier, you can think about it… that is, whatever your choice is, I think it’s okay…”

She just felt that fighting for herself now might make her less regretful in the future when she looked back.

Xie Ru He’s expression paused, suddenly remembering this matter. He pushed aside his thoughts and walked over to stand one step below Shu Nian.

Startled by his sudden approach, Shu Nian quickly said: “You don’t need to rush to answer me…”

Xie Ru He lowered his eyes, his gaze deep and bright: “Can I only consider it after going home?”

Shu Nian cautiously said: “Not necessarily, you can also choose not to…”

Xie Ru He raised his hand, his long fingers hooking the key in her hand. His expression paused as if finding it difficult to speak, but he quickly regained composure, his voice lowering, somehow becoming ambiguous.

“Can’t I consider it at your place?”