Gui Yuanshu glanced to the left, then to the right. Both young men were staring at him with undisguised hostility.

“You want to know what we’re doing here, and we want to know what you’re doing here,” Gui Yuanshu said. “But it seems neither of us particularly wants to fight, so how about we settle this in a somewhat more civilized manner?”

One of the young men asked, “What kind of manner?”

“The fairest, simplest, and most direct method known to mankind,” Gui Yuanshu said. “Rock. Paper. Scissors.”

He looked at the young man and continued, “You and I play. If I win, I get to ask you one question and you must answer truthfully. If you win, you get to ask me one, and I’ll answer truthfully the same.”

“First of all,” he said, “what’s your name?”

The young man stared at him. “We haven’t even played yet. What gives you the right to ask me first?”

“Courtesy demands reciprocity,” Gui Yuanshu said. “I’ve already told you my name — shouldn’t you return the favor?”

The young man thought about it. Had this fellow really said his name just now? *Gui Wo Guan?* (Mind My Own Business?)

He cupped his fists and said, “I travel the jianghu and prefer not to trouble others, so people gave me the nickname ‘No Need to Trouble Yourself.’ My surname is Bu, and my given name is Bi — Bu Bi.” *(Don’t Bother.)*

Gui Yuanshu narrowed his eyes and looked at him. *This fellow is something else,* he thought.

“Your real name, if you please.”

“I’ll start,” Gui Yuanshu said. “My name is Gui Yuanshu.”

“Play first, then talk,” the young man said. “There’s no need for all this chatter. I didn’t ask for your real name.”

“Very well then. Which of you two will play me? Or shall you each take a turn?”

The young man who had been speaking stepped forward. “I’ll go.”

Gui Yuanshu put his hand behind his back. “One, two, three — show!”

He threw scissors. His opponent threw rock.

The young man smiled. “I hope you’re a man of your word.”

“I didn’t lose,” Gui Yuanshu said.

The young man frowned. “You’re cheating?”

“These aren’t ordinary scissors,” Gui Yuanshu said. “These are the Supreme Treasure of the World, forged from black iron mined in the Tianshan mountains — they can cut through anything. You only win if you can name something harder than these.”

“Can they cut through your shamelessness?” the young man asked.

Gui Yuanshu sighed. “When you put it that way… you win. Go ahead and ask.”

This response left the young man stunned. *This fellow really doesn’t play by any rules,* he thought. *Shameless — and completely unabashed about it.*

He asked Gui Yuanshu, “Are you people from the authorities?”

“No,” Gui Yuanshu answered. “We’re from Jizhou. We run an escort business — a courier company called Yongning Tongyuan. It’s quite well known in Jizhou.”

He looked back at the young man. “Round two.”

The young man nodded. “Let’s go!”

In the second round, Gui Yuanshu threw scissors again. This time the young man threw paper — and so Gui Yuanshu couldn’t help but smile with a touch of satisfaction.

“I win this round,” he told the young man.

“Hold on!” the young man said. “This isn’t ordinary paper. It’s not even paper, really. It’s your face.”

“Come off it,” Gui Yuanshu said.

“I’ve found that using your own face as a trump card works remarkably well,” the young man said.

“By that logic,” Gui Yuanshu replied, “your own face would work just as well. Have some decency, will you?”

The young man sighed. “Fine. Since you played by the rules before, I’ll do the same. Ask away.”

“You’ve committed some crime, haven’t you?” Gui Yuanshu said.

The young man shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

“Impossible,” Gui Yuanshu said. “You’re this afraid of the authorities — you must have done something, which is why you assumed we were here to arrest you.”

The young man said, “I’m telling you, there’s nothing.”

The other young man chimed in quietly, “At most it was just an attempt.”

His companion shot him a glare. He flushed red. “It really was just an attempt…”

“All this back-and-forth is too tiresome,” Gui Yuanshu said. “Let’s just be straightforward about it. I’ll admit I lied — we’re not escort runners. We are in fact with the authorities, just not with Yuzhou’s local authorities. We’re from Jizhou, soldiers under the banner of Prince Ning.”

The moment they heard the name Prince Ning, both young men’s eyes lit up — genuinely, brilliantly lit up.

The one who had been playing rock-paper-scissors with Gui Yuanshu said, “Since you’re admitting you lied, I might as well admit it too. I was also lying just now.”

Gui Yuanshu asked, “You did commit a crime after all?”

The young man shook his head. “No. My name isn’t Bu Bi.”

Gui Yuanshu stared at him.

The young man cupped his fists. “I’m a local, born and raised right here in this town. My surname is Dong. Dong Dongdong.”

Gui Yuanshu’s eyes narrowed to slits as he studied the young man with intense focus. “Did you just repeat your surname three times?”

“Many people mock me. You’re the first to actually question it.”

Gui Yuanshu couldn’t resist asking out of sheer curiosity. “Do you have some custom around here? I once heard a story about this sort of thing — apparently when a child is born and runs outside, whatever sound they first hear becomes their name.”

He asked, “Was there thunder when you were born?”

“If there had been thunder when I was born,” the young man said, “I’d be called Kuchaca.”

“But you’re not surnamed Ku,” Gui Yuanshu pointed out.

The young man paused, then nodded. “Fair point.”

The other young man said, “Then you’d be Dong Chaca.”

The young man turned and shot him a look. “What the heck do you know?”

He turned back to Gui Yuanshu. “That story you just told — is it actually from your hometown, and you were just embarrassed to say so?”

“What makes you think that?” Gui Yuanshu asked.

“Because in your area,” the young man said, “it seems a child is born and the parents immediately run outside, and whatever they lay eyes on first becomes the child’s name — which is why you’re called Gui Yuanshu.”

*(Gui Yuanshu: a type of longan tree.)*

Zheng Shunshun puzzled aloud, “But that doesn’t work — when a parent is born, their own parent runs outside first. The first thing they’d see would be someone with a very large face.”

Ding Man said, “Are you talking about Prince Ning?”

Zheng Shunshun said, “That kind of talk is rather treasonous.”

Ding Man sighed, “Maybe I should keep my distance from Yu Jiuling from now on.”

The two of them were still bickering away when they noticed their superior, Gui Yuanshu, glaring at them.

“If I’m Big Face Gui,” Gui Yuanshu said, “then you’re Big Face Zheng, and you’re Big Face Ding.”

“I could go by Ding Dagen,” Ding Man offered. *(Big Radish.)*

Zheng Shunshun said, “Then what did your father see when he stepped outside? Did he walk straight into the outhouse when you were born, or did he pull his trousers down and look at a stranger? That’s hardly appropriate.”

Ding Man had nothing to say to that.

The young man who had introduced himself as Dong Dongdong turned to the other and said, “These people are probably not bad sorts.”

The other young man nodded. “Bad people can be mentally ill, but there aren’t many who are genuinely unhinged. If bad people are like this… who’d be scared of them?”

Gui Yuanshu sighed inwardly. *Your method of judging who’s good and who’s bad is a touch reckless.*

He looked at the other young man and asked, “And what would your name be? Are you perhaps his brother — Dong Xix?” *(Dong Westwest?)*

“There aren’t that many ridiculous names in this world,” the young man answered. “Dong Dongdong — I’ve known him for so many years and I still haven’t gotten used to saying his full name. When his Uncle Dong named him, he was admittedly a bit careless. He and I aren’t blood brothers, but we might as well be. My surname is Qi — the Qi from ‘cultivate the self, regulate the family, govern the state, and bring peace to the realm’ — and my name is Qi Qiangqi.”

*(齐锵奇: Qi means to align, Qiang means clanging metal, Qi means strange — a somewhat unusual name.)*

“What does any of that have to do with ‘cultivate the self, govern the state’…” Gui Yuanshu muttered.

Zheng Shunshun laughed. “I like that name.”

Ding Man said, “When I have children, I’ll name one Ding Dingdang. People surnamed Zheng don’t have the same advantage when it comes to names like that.”

Gui Yuanshu let out a long breath. “Can we stop fooling around? Let’s be sincere with each other. My name really is Gui Yuanshu.”

“My name really is Dong Dongdong,” Dong Dongdong said.

“Mine’s real too,” said Qi Qiangqi.

Zheng Shunshun knew this wasn’t the right moment for irrelevant questions — his superior had turned serious, and he ought to follow suit.

But he couldn’t help himself. He looked at Qi Qiangqi and asked, “Why don’t you like saying his full name?”

Qi Qiangqi explained, “Think about it. If I call out ‘Dong Dongdong’ over and over again — would people think I’m the one with a problem, or him?”

Zheng Shunshun said, “If both your names are real, whenever you two call to each other, you both look like you have a problem.”

*Hey! Dong Dongdong!*

*Hey! Qi Qiangqi!*

*Dong Dongdong, Qi Qiangqi, Dong Dongdong, Qi Qiangqi…*

It took roughly two quarters of an hour before they could genuinely settle down and grow serious. Had Li Chi been present, those two names would have cost another two quarters of an hour on top of that.

“Are you really Prince Ning’s men?”

Dong Dongdong looked at Gui Yuanshu. “Why would Prince Ning recruit… people like you?”

“When you eventually meet Prince Ning,” Gui Yuanshu said, “you can ask him to his face. For now, let’s talk about the situation in Shang’an County.”

Dong Dongdong said, “Yin Chang, the county magistrate of Shang’an, is an utter beast. Every business within the entire county must hand over fifty percent of its net profits to the county yamen — under the banner of raising military funds for Prince Ning’s army.”

Qi Qiangqi added, “Every household must surrender seventy percent of its grain yield — supposedly to gather provisions for Prince Ning.”

Dong Dongdong continued, “To make sure people fear him, the county has over six hundred constables — and that’s not even counting the ruffians and scoundrels who attach themselves to the magistrate.”

Qi Qiangqi said, “Anyone who dares resist gets thrown in prison and tortured to death. But whenever inspectors come from above, he makes sure everything looks impeccable on the surface.”

“Anyone who dares speak out — killed.”

“Anyone who dares file a complaint or leak information — killed.”

“When inspectors come through and there happen to be beggars still on the streets — killed.”

“When people appear in worn and tattered clothes — killed.”

“Within the entire county of Shang’an, no one dares defy him. One person resists, the whole family is slaughtered.”

Dong Dongdong said, “The two of us had originally intended to go into the county seat and kill the corrupt official. But when we reached the city gates, we overheard people saying that visitors had arrived from Jizhou — some people from a medical hall called the Shen Medical Hall. Those two were immediately escorted away by the county yamen’s people.”

Qi Qiangqi said, “So the two of us suddenly thought of a plan. If we could get hold of forged travel documents claiming we were also from Jizhou, we’d be able to get an audience with that corrupt official.”

Gui Yuanshu paused for a moment. *What a coincidence.*

Zheng Shunshun puffed up with pride and said, “You want forged documents? That’s easy. I’ll introduce you to Prince Ning — he can make them personally.”

Dong Dongdong was bewildered. “We… want credentials under Prince Ning’s name… and Prince Ning… will forge them for us? You mean Prince Ning will personally forge his own credentials for us?”

Zheng Shunshun suddenly felt rather foolish.

Gui Yuanshu asked, “A single county magistrate doing all this — running rampant, treating lives as worthless — and the Dengzhou Prefecture doesn’t know about it?”

Dong Dongdong cursed, “They all crawled out of the same den! The Dengzhou prefect is from the Yin family, the Shang’an county magistrate is from the Yin family, the Maoyang county magistrate is from the Yin family, the Songcheng county magistrate is from the Yin family — every one of the thirty-one counties under Dengzhou is held by Yin family people, whether they carry the surname Yin or not!”

Gui Yuanshu’s expression darkened. “With Dengzhou in such a state, has no one from Yuzhou City come to investigate?”

Qi Qiangqi sighed, “Who’s going to look after us? The officials in Yuzhou are surely all preoccupied with the campaigns. From the moment Yin Xin’an took up his post as Dengzhou prefect, it took him only half a year to replace every county magistrate, deputy magistrate, registrar, and prison warden across all thirty-one counties.”

Gui Yuanshu slowly exhaled. “That really is quite a mess.”

Dong Dongdong said, “You’ve come from Jizhou, you’re Prince Ning’s people — and even you think it’s a mess… who is left to save the people of Dengzhou?”

Gui Yuanshu suddenly smiled. “When I said ‘quite a mess,’ I didn’t mean it the way you’re thinking.”

—