Xie Yuzhang looked steadily at Li Gu and said: “The news everyone received was that the Noble Consort had died… suddenly?”
Li Gu understood.
He said: “Li Shi did not die. The Noble Consort Li died.”
Xie Yuzhang’s shoulders relaxed.
Li Gu asked: “Just because of that?”
Xie Yuzhang said: “Because the person I knew — I knew that he regarded the Elder Lord as a father and would not bring himself to kill the Elder Lord’s only flesh and blood.”
Li Gu said nothing more and bowed his head to fasten his sash.
Xie Yuzhang asked: “The others?”
Li Gu said: “All alive. All demoted to the rank of Talented Lady.”
Talented Lady was the lowest of the twenty-seven grades of imperial household consorts.
Xie Yuzhang asked: “Noble Consort Deng…”
Li Gu pulled on his outer robe, and his movements paused for a moment. He said: “To be buried with the rank of Talented Lady.”
So they had not called the court ladies to perform funeral rites — because one was a false death, and the other had lost her entitlement.
Xie Yuzhang had not expected Deng Wan to come to such an end. Her heart was moved with pity, and she wanted to speak on her behalf: “Let the dead rest in peace. Noble Consort Deng, she…”
“Little Azure is also dead.” Li Gu fastened his sash, speaking calmly. “Yuzhang, that was my son.”
Xie Yuzhang fell silent.
Because she had barely seen the First Imperial Prince a handful of times and had formed no bond with him, the pain of losing him had not reached her own body.
She had all along been urging Li Gu to conduct himself in his rear palace as an Emperor. Now that Li Gu had finally understood where he had gone wrong, he withdrew all the tolerance and warmth he had reserved for the rear palace, and what remained was only the cold ruthlessness of an Emperor.
Xie Yuzhang was quiet for a long while, then said softly: “Without posthumously conferring a rank, only maintaining her original position — would that be possible?”
Li Gu would not agree.
“Virtue was not equal to her position.” He said. “I truly had not expected her to be such a cowardly person. I believed she was the one among the rear palace women who possessed the greatest courage and boldness.”
Xie Yuzhang laughed faintly with a kind of helpless resignation.
“How utterly harsh you are.” She said. “She was merely a young woman sealed within the high walls of the inner palace.”
Li Gu turned to face Xie Yuzhang: “You were born in the palace, grew up in the palace. At the time you were fourteen, in the northern borderlands of Hexi, standing before that old chieftain, your height barely reached his chest. I never once saw you show cowardice. You were fearless.”
The room fell silent.
Xie Yuzhang had long since cast those past events in the north behind her mind, and had not expected him to bring them up again. She found herself drifting in a haze — all that had happened ten years ago, what had she felt then, what had she been thinking?
After a long while, she said softly: “My heart was full of terror. Only, there was no need to let anyone else know of it.”
“Because you yourself could endure it. You could face fear alone, and still keep your original heart unchanged. Yuzhang, that is what courage is.” Li Gu reached out and gently smoothed her disheveled hair. “So you — need not fear me.”
“I am not afraid.” Xie Yuzhang said. “The way you are now is exactly the way I always hoped you would be. But now that you have truly become this way, I feel an indescribable sadness. That is not your fault — it is that I am simply too sentimental. Why is it that nothing in this world can be fully resolved to everyone’s satisfaction?”
“So-called ‘full resolution’ is nothing more than the wishful thinking of ordinary people in this world. I no longer harbor that wish.” Li Gu said.
Xie Yuzhang fell silent.
Li Gu stroked her silk-smooth dark hair for a long while, then said softly: “Only I am also a person, Yuzhang. Leave a small space for me here with you. Let me come to your side — and only be myself. Would that be acceptable?”
Xie Yuzhang looked up and said: “Yes.”
Li Gu gave a faint smile and said: “I will go call your serving women in.”
He walked out and did not come back. The serving women filed in one by one and attended Xie Yuzhang as she freshened up and dressed.
Xie Yuzhang asked: “Where is His Majesty?”
The serving women answered: “His Majesty has already gone back.”
Xie Yuzhang could not quite understand — Li Gu had come to her place in the middle of the night, and exactly what had he come to do?
This day was New Year’s Eve. Li Gu had not forbidden the people of the capital from celebrating the New Year. Throughout Yunjing, the sounds of firecrackers and fireworks rang out in every direction.
Xie Yuzhang spent the night waiting for the new year with Jia You.
At this hour, Li Gu should have been in the palace hosting a night banquet, waiting for the new year together with his ministers.
If he had been a learned and literary Emperor like her father, he would also compose poetry back and forth with his ministers. Li Gu most likely could not write poetry — but that was no matter, for many of his ministers could. They would compose many poems praising the Emperor and the new dynasty for him.
There would also be the Great Exorcism Ceremony in the palace. There would be many people — it would be very lively.
Li Gu would be surrounded by many people on all sides.
And when morning came, there would be the magnificent New Year’s Court Assembly. Music and rites in full array, ceremonial guards resplendent, music and dancing stirring and magnificent. Everyone would be able to see it — this Da Mu dynasty revealing, step by step, the signs of its flourishing.
This was Li Gu’s life.
Li Gu came to Princess Yongning’s residence again on New Year’s Night.
He came so late that Xie Yuzhang had already gone to bed. But she had instructed the serving women that no matter what hour Li Gu arrived, she was to be woken without fail. The moment the serving women in the room heard movement outside the main hall, without waiting for Li Gu to come in and send them away, they alertly slipped into the inner chamber and woke Xie Yuzhang.
Xie Yuzhang draped her robe and came out. Li Gu stood in the side room. This time, even Liang Chen had followed, and was spreading out the bedding.
There were no serving women in the room. Each time Li Gu came, he sent the serving women out to the main hall, because he did not want the way he appeared in front of Xie Yuzhang to be seen by anyone else.
Seeing Xie Yuzhang come out, he said apologetically: “Did I wake you?”
Xie Yuzhang looked at him for a moment and raised her eyes: “What is happening?”
Li Gu said: “I want to rest here for a while.”
Xie Yuzhang said: “If you won’t tell me the truth, then you need not stay in my place.”
Li Gu said nothing, only silence.
Xie Yuzhang ignored him, and simply asked Liang Chen directly: “Liang Chen, what is the matter with His Majesty?”
Liang Chen glanced at Li Gu’s expression with caution, and carefully told Xie Yuzhang: “His Majesty cannot sleep in the palace.”
Xie Yuzhang was taken aback and asked: “How long has this been going on?”
Liang Chen was just about to answer when Li Gu said: “Get out!”
Liang Chen immediately retreated.
Xie Yuzhang asked Li Gu: “What on earth is the matter?”
Li Gu said: “I simply cannot sleep, that is all.”
Xie Yuzhang asked: “How long has it been?”
Li Gu was silent for a long while, then answered: “Since the day Little Azure was gone.”
That had already been a full half month. Xie Yuzhang drew a sharp breath.
No wonder every time she saw Li Gu, there were dark circles under his eyes and his eyes were bloodshot.
Li Gu saw that the truth had been exposed and no longer tried to conceal it. He said: “Yesterday I had to observe the vigil for the new year with my ministers. My head was truly aching and I feared I would not hold out, so I came here the night before to sleep. Here, I can fall asleep.”
He then added: “You go back to sleep. I will sleep out here. I will not come in. You may rest easy.”
Xie Yuzhang said: “Have the imperial physicians looked at you?”
Li Gu again fell silent.
He was hiding his illness from his physicians, or perhaps — he did not want anyone else to know of his condition.
Xie Yuzhang sighed and took hold of his hand: “Come with me.”
Li Gu let himself be led, following her into the inner chamber.
Xie Yuzhang brought him to the edge of her own bed and reached out to undo his sash. Li Gu pressed her hand down: “Yuzhang…”
Xie Yuzhang said: “This is my bed. You sleep here tonight. You need to rest properly — no matter how strong a person is, if they do not sleep, their body will break down.”
Li Gu released his hand.
A residence as grand as the Princess’s mansion was not without a room that could give Li Gu a place to sleep. But what Li Gu needed was not a room, not a bed. What he needed was a person beside him.
In the Zichen Hall, he lay awake all night long with eyes wide open, unable to sleep. There was nowhere in the palace he could go.
Xie Yuzhang helped him out of his outer garment, undid his sash, and served him as he lay down.
Li Gu stared at the top of the bed canopy and said: “I cannot sleep — stay and talk with me.”
“All right.” Xie Yuzhang agreed, then added: “I have a fragrance formula in my keeping called ‘Quieting the Spirit.’ It aids sleep. Only its effect is quite potent — I will not use it without your permission.”
Li Gu said: “Use it.”
Li Gu listened then to the sounds of drawers opening and closing. The room already had a cabinet that resembled a medicine chest, its face covered with small drawers in great number — it was Xie Yuzhang’s fragrance cabinet.
As Xie Yuzhang prepared the fragrance blend, she heard Li Gu say: “Yuzhang, these past few days since I cannot sleep, I have been overwhelmed by a desire to kill.”
Xie Yuzhang glanced toward the hanging bed curtains and asked: “Who do you want to kill?”
Li Gu said: “I think in the night that I might as well kill everyone in the palace and start over.”
Xie Yuzhang was quiet for a moment, then asked: “Would that bring Little Azure back to life?”
There was no sound from within the bed curtains.
Xie Yuzhang asked again: “Even if Little Azure could come back to life — what then? Have you thought about how things would end between you and him?”
Li Gu’s voice came: “What do you mean?”
Xie Yuzhang blended her fragrances and said unhurriedly: “You loved him as you did because he was your first son. Loving him as much as you do — would you have established him as Crown Prince?”
The bed curtains held no sound again for a long while.
Xie Yuzhang said: “You would not. Because right now, you have absolutely no need for a Crown Prince.”
After Little Azure died, Xie Yuzhang had frequently found herself thinking back on her previous life. In her previous life, Little Azure had lived on in good health, but there had also been a legitimate younger brother. Yet by the time of her death, neither of them had been established as Crown Prince.
Thinking carefully on it — how old had Li Gu been then? He had still been in his prime. At that time, having a son was enough; he had no need of a Crown Prince. Even less need for a Crown Prince whose backing was too formidable.
From within the bed curtains, Li Gu at last said: “The matter of the Crown Prince — that can be discussed later.”
Xie Yuzhang said: “‘Later’ — how much later? Given your age, at least ten years, I imagine. By that time, you will have many more sons. Some will have just been born, plump and white; some will have only just learned to run, tiger-headed little figures; some will have begun gripping a brush to learn to write, or begun practicing martial arts. Each and every one of them will be more endearing to you than a Crown Prince who has already grown up and already developed ambitions. Would you and your most beloved First Imperial Prince have been able to come to a good end?”
Even through the curtain, Xie Yuzhang could hear Li Gu’s breathing grow heavy.
Li Gu had already come this far. The rear palace had already come to this point. Let everything simply be laid bare.
She continued: “Flip through the history books — there are few cases of the eldest son succeeding to the throne. But elder sons who rebelled — those are not few. Among secondary-born First Imperial Princes, the majority did not come to a good end. The older they grew, the less of the favor they once received from their father in childhood they were able to reclaim. Their hearts would feel more and more unjust, more and more aggrieved. In the imperial family, once suspicion and estrangement arise between father and son, blood flows. So it is that people often say — in the imperial family, there are no true fathers and sons.”
From inside the bed curtains, Li Gu’s voice came low and laden with a restrained anger: “Xie Yuzhang!”
Xie Yuzhang placed the prepared fragrance blend into the incense burner and said: “Let me play the zither for you.”
Li Gu stared at the top of the bed curtains. From beyond the curtain, a single note of the zither rang out.
The plucked zither delights others; the qin delights the heart. The tone of the qin is not as bright and leaping as the plucked zither, but it is tranquil and far-reaching — and of all things, it is the most calming to the inner heart.
The pillow Xie Yuzhang used was a soft one filled with much silk wadding, far more comfortable than the firm pillow he used. The bedding carried her lingering fragrance, and even her lingering warmth.
Li Gu gradually closed his eyes, and fell asleep.
Gongzhu Guilai – Chapter 170
Xie Yuzhang looked steadily at Li Gu and said: “The news everyone received was that the Noble Consort had died… suddenly?”
Li Gu understood.
He said: “Li Shi did not die. The Noble Consort Li died.”
Xie Yuzhang’s shoulders relaxed.
Li Gu asked: “Just because of that?”
Xie Yuzhang said: “Because the person I knew — I knew that he regarded the Elder Lord as a father and would not bring himself to kill the Elder Lord’s only flesh and blood.”
Li Gu said nothing more and bowed his head to fasten his sash.
Xie Yuzhang asked: “The others?”
Li Gu said: “All alive. All demoted to the rank of Talented Lady.”
Talented Lady was the lowest of the twenty-seven grades of imperial household consorts.
Xie Yuzhang asked: “Noble Consort Deng…”
Li Gu pulled on his outer robe, and his movements paused for a moment. He said: “To be buried with the rank of Talented Lady.”
So they had not called the court ladies to perform funeral rites — because one was a false death, and the other had lost her entitlement.
Xie Yuzhang had not expected Deng Wan to come to such an end. Her heart was moved with pity, and she wanted to speak on her behalf: “Let the dead rest in peace. Noble Consort Deng, she…”
“Little Azure is also dead.” Li Gu fastened his sash, speaking calmly. “Yuzhang, that was my son.”
Xie Yuzhang fell silent.
Because she had barely seen the First Imperial Prince a handful of times and had formed no bond with him, the pain of losing him had not reached her own body.
She had all along been urging Li Gu to conduct himself in his rear palace as an Emperor. Now that Li Gu had finally understood where he had gone wrong, he withdrew all the tolerance and warmth he had reserved for the rear palace, and what remained was only the cold ruthlessness of an Emperor.
Xie Yuzhang was quiet for a long while, then said softly: “Without posthumously conferring a rank, only maintaining her original position — would that be possible?”
Li Gu would not agree.
“Virtue was not equal to her position.” He said. “I truly had not expected her to be such a cowardly person. I believed she was the one among the rear palace women who possessed the greatest courage and boldness.”
Xie Yuzhang laughed faintly with a kind of helpless resignation.
“How utterly harsh you are.” She said. “She was merely a young woman sealed within the high walls of the inner palace.”
Li Gu turned to face Xie Yuzhang: “You were born in the palace, grew up in the palace. At the time you were fourteen, in the northern borderlands of Hexi, standing before that old chieftain, your height barely reached his chest. I never once saw you show cowardice. You were fearless.”
The room fell silent.
Xie Yuzhang had long since cast those past events in the north behind her mind, and had not expected him to bring them up again. She found herself drifting in a haze — all that had happened ten years ago, what had she felt then, what had she been thinking?
After a long while, she said softly: “My heart was full of terror. Only, there was no need to let anyone else know of it.”
“Because you yourself could endure it. You could face fear alone, and still keep your original heart unchanged. Yuzhang, that is what courage is.” Li Gu reached out and gently smoothed her disheveled hair. “So you — need not fear me.”
“I am not afraid.” Xie Yuzhang said. “The way you are now is exactly the way I always hoped you would be. But now that you have truly become this way, I feel an indescribable sadness. That is not your fault — it is that I am simply too sentimental. Why is it that nothing in this world can be fully resolved to everyone’s satisfaction?”
“So-called ‘full resolution’ is nothing more than the wishful thinking of ordinary people in this world. I no longer harbor that wish.” Li Gu said.
Xie Yuzhang fell silent.
Li Gu stroked her silk-smooth dark hair for a long while, then said softly: “Only I am also a person, Yuzhang. Leave a small space for me here with you. Let me come to your side — and only be myself. Would that be acceptable?”
Xie Yuzhang looked up and said: “Yes.”
Li Gu gave a faint smile and said: “I will go call your serving women in.”
He walked out and did not come back. The serving women filed in one by one and attended Xie Yuzhang as she freshened up and dressed.
Xie Yuzhang asked: “Where is His Majesty?”
The serving women answered: “His Majesty has already gone back.”
Xie Yuzhang could not quite understand — Li Gu had come to her place in the middle of the night, and exactly what had he come to do?
This day was New Year’s Eve. Li Gu had not forbidden the people of the capital from celebrating the New Year. Throughout Yunjing, the sounds of firecrackers and fireworks rang out in every direction.
Xie Yuzhang spent the night waiting for the new year with Jia You.
At this hour, Li Gu should have been in the palace hosting a night banquet, waiting for the new year together with his ministers.
If he had been a learned and literary Emperor like her father, he would also compose poetry back and forth with his ministers. Li Gu most likely could not write poetry — but that was no matter, for many of his ministers could. They would compose many poems praising the Emperor and the new dynasty for him.
There would also be the Great Exorcism Ceremony in the palace. There would be many people — it would be very lively.
Li Gu would be surrounded by many people on all sides.
And when morning came, there would be the magnificent New Year’s Court Assembly. Music and rites in full array, ceremonial guards resplendent, music and dancing stirring and magnificent. Everyone would be able to see it — this Da Mu dynasty revealing, step by step, the signs of its flourishing.
This was Li Gu’s life.
Li Gu came to Princess Yongning’s residence again on New Year’s Night.
He came so late that Xie Yuzhang had already gone to bed. But she had instructed the serving women that no matter what hour Li Gu arrived, she was to be woken without fail. The moment the serving women in the room heard movement outside the main hall, without waiting for Li Gu to come in and send them away, they alertly slipped into the inner chamber and woke Xie Yuzhang.
Xie Yuzhang draped her robe and came out. Li Gu stood in the side room. This time, even Liang Chen had followed, and was spreading out the bedding.
There were no serving women in the room. Each time Li Gu came, he sent the serving women out to the main hall, because he did not want the way he appeared in front of Xie Yuzhang to be seen by anyone else.
Seeing Xie Yuzhang come out, he said apologetically: “Did I wake you?”
Xie Yuzhang looked at him for a moment and raised her eyes: “What is happening?”
Li Gu said: “I want to rest here for a while.”
Xie Yuzhang said: “If you won’t tell me the truth, then you need not stay in my place.”
Li Gu said nothing, only silence.
Xie Yuzhang ignored him, and simply asked Liang Chen directly: “Liang Chen, what is the matter with His Majesty?”
Liang Chen glanced at Li Gu’s expression with caution, and carefully told Xie Yuzhang: “His Majesty cannot sleep in the palace.”
Xie Yuzhang was taken aback and asked: “How long has this been going on?”
Liang Chen was just about to answer when Li Gu said: “Get out!”
Liang Chen immediately retreated.
Xie Yuzhang asked Li Gu: “What on earth is the matter?”
Li Gu said: “I simply cannot sleep, that is all.”
Xie Yuzhang asked: “How long has it been?”
Li Gu was silent for a long while, then answered: “Since the day Little Azure was gone.”
That had already been a full half month. Xie Yuzhang drew a sharp breath.
No wonder every time she saw Li Gu, there were dark circles under his eyes and his eyes were bloodshot.
Li Gu saw that the truth had been exposed and no longer tried to conceal it. He said: “Yesterday I had to observe the vigil for the new year with my ministers. My head was truly aching and I feared I would not hold out, so I came here the night before to sleep. Here, I can fall asleep.”
He then added: “You go back to sleep. I will sleep out here. I will not come in. You may rest easy.”
Xie Yuzhang said: “Have the imperial physicians looked at you?”
Li Gu again fell silent.
He was hiding his illness from his physicians, or perhaps — he did not want anyone else to know of his condition.
Xie Yuzhang sighed and took hold of his hand: “Come with me.”
Li Gu let himself be led, following her into the inner chamber.
Xie Yuzhang brought him to the edge of her own bed and reached out to undo his sash. Li Gu pressed her hand down: “Yuzhang…”
Xie Yuzhang said: “This is my bed. You sleep here tonight. You need to rest properly — no matter how strong a person is, if they do not sleep, their body will break down.”
Li Gu released his hand.
A residence as grand as the Princess’s mansion was not without a room that could give Li Gu a place to sleep. But what Li Gu needed was not a room, not a bed. What he needed was a person beside him.
In the Zichen Hall, he lay awake all night long with eyes wide open, unable to sleep. There was nowhere in the palace he could go.
Xie Yuzhang helped him out of his outer garment, undid his sash, and served him as he lay down.
Li Gu stared at the top of the bed canopy and said: “I cannot sleep — stay and talk with me.”
“All right.” Xie Yuzhang agreed, then added: “I have a fragrance formula in my keeping called ‘Quieting the Spirit.’ It aids sleep. Only its effect is quite potent — I will not use it without your permission.”
Li Gu said: “Use it.”
Li Gu listened then to the sounds of drawers opening and closing. The room already had a cabinet that resembled a medicine chest, its face covered with small drawers in great number — it was Xie Yuzhang’s fragrance cabinet.
As Xie Yuzhang prepared the fragrance blend, she heard Li Gu say: “Yuzhang, these past few days since I cannot sleep, I have been overwhelmed by a desire to kill.”
Xie Yuzhang glanced toward the hanging bed curtains and asked: “Who do you want to kill?”
Li Gu said: “I think in the night that I might as well kill everyone in the palace and start over.”
Xie Yuzhang was quiet for a moment, then asked: “Would that bring Little Azure back to life?”
There was no sound from within the bed curtains.
Xie Yuzhang asked again: “Even if Little Azure could come back to life — what then? Have you thought about how things would end between you and him?”
Li Gu’s voice came: “What do you mean?”
Xie Yuzhang blended her fragrances and said unhurriedly: “You loved him as you did because he was your first son. Loving him as much as you do — would you have established him as Crown Prince?”
The bed curtains held no sound again for a long while.
Xie Yuzhang said: “You would not. Because right now, you have absolutely no need for a Crown Prince.”
After Little Azure died, Xie Yuzhang had frequently found herself thinking back on her previous life. In her previous life, Little Azure had lived on in good health, but there had also been a legitimate younger brother. Yet by the time of her death, neither of them had been established as Crown Prince.
Thinking carefully on it — how old had Li Gu been then? He had still been in his prime. At that time, having a son was enough; he had no need of a Crown Prince. Even less need for a Crown Prince whose backing was too formidable.
From within the bed curtains, Li Gu at last said: “The matter of the Crown Prince — that can be discussed later.”
Xie Yuzhang said: “‘Later’ — how much later? Given your age, at least ten years, I imagine. By that time, you will have many more sons. Some will have just been born, plump and white; some will have only just learned to run, tiger-headed little figures; some will have begun gripping a brush to learn to write, or begun practicing martial arts. Each and every one of them will be more endearing to you than a Crown Prince who has already grown up and already developed ambitions. Would you and your most beloved First Imperial Prince have been able to come to a good end?”
Even through the curtain, Xie Yuzhang could hear Li Gu’s breathing grow heavy.
Li Gu had already come this far. The rear palace had already come to this point. Let everything simply be laid bare.
She continued: “Flip through the history books — there are few cases of the eldest son succeeding to the throne. But elder sons who rebelled — those are not few. Among secondary-born First Imperial Princes, the majority did not come to a good end. The older they grew, the less of the favor they once received from their father in childhood they were able to reclaim. Their hearts would feel more and more unjust, more and more aggrieved. In the imperial family, once suspicion and estrangement arise between father and son, blood flows. So it is that people often say — in the imperial family, there are no true fathers and sons.”
From inside the bed curtains, Li Gu’s voice came low and laden with a restrained anger: “Xie Yuzhang!”
Xie Yuzhang placed the prepared fragrance blend into the incense burner and said: “Let me play the zither for you.”
Li Gu stared at the top of the bed curtains. From beyond the curtain, a single note of the zither rang out.
The plucked zither delights others; the qin delights the heart. The tone of the qin is not as bright and leaping as the plucked zither, but it is tranquil and far-reaching — and of all things, it is the most calming to the inner heart.
The pillow Xie Yuzhang used was a soft one filled with much silk wadding, far more comfortable than the firm pillow he used. The bedding carried her lingering fragrance, and even her lingering warmth.
Li Gu gradually closed his eyes, and fell asleep.