The next day, just as Ye Zhen was about to catch a ride with Jiang Xiaoyi to officially start his first day of work, he was met with her cold, ruthless rejection—
“Get a physical exam first. After all, as my personal assistant, if you happen to be carrying some illness, that would put me at considerable risk.”
“You can only start once you pass.”
Ye Zhen took the medical checkup form from Jiang Xiaoyi’s hands, his face darkening instantly. “Why are there so many items on here?!”
“It’s nothing personal against you.” Jiang Xiaoyi smiled breezily. “Consider it returning the favor. Back when you were ‘President Ye,’ you were so thoughtful in ‘looking after’ me. To help me catch potential health issues early, you had me undergo all these tests, spending quite a bit of money in the process. Now that I’m your boss, how could I not offer you the same benefits?”
Ye Zhen was practically boiling with rage, his voice rising an octave. “But I never had you tested for syphilis, HIV, or HPV!”
“Think about it—what kind of person needs those tests? Aside from cases of poor medical conditions leading to infection, it’s usually people with a rather colorful private life. As for you, sure, you’re not likely to catch anything from a medical accident, but you’re handsome, wealthy, and have plenty of free time—unlike me, who’s always too busy working to even date anyone. So you must have had quite a few girlfriends, plenty of romantic experience. Shouldn’t I make sure to check you thoroughly? This is my way of acknowledging your charm.”
“I have not!” Ye Zhen looked ready to pass out from fury. “Jiang Xiaoyi, this is a personal attack against my character. I’m getting a lawyer and suing you.”
“Even if you have the money to sue me, you’d still need to prove I slandered you. Do you have any evidence?”
“I do!”
Ye Zhen, his face dark, pressed his lips together and rolled up his sleeve, exposing his forearm, pointing to the crease inside his elbow. “Look!”?
Ye Zhen’s expression was noticeably awkward, but in the end, his sense of shame at being tested for STDs won out. He cleared his throat. “This is my evidence! Proof that I don’t need to undergo those particular tests.”
“Huh?”
“This line here, do you see it?”
The man pointed to a line on the inner crease of his elbow, making one last desperate stand. “This is a ‘virgin line.’ So I demand those tests be removed from my checkup.”
“…” Do you think this is ancient times with chastity marks?
Ye Zhen knew perfectly well he was grasping at straws, but he kept arguing anyway. “I’ve never had a girlfriend. I really am a pure, untouched man. There’s absolutely no way I can accept those impure examination items.”
A pure man? With looks and a background like his, how pure could he possibly be?
He must be lying through his teeth.
Jiang Xiaoyi completely ignored him. “Canceling it is out of the question. In fact, I should call HR right now and have them add another item—get a CT scan to check your brain too.”
“…”
**
Forced to swallow his pride while at someone else’s mercy, half an hour later, Ye Zhen, enduring hunger, stood in line at the hospital’s health checkup center.
Jiang Xiaoyi must be exacting private revenge on him. Had he ever made her go through this many tests before?! They’d drawn over twenty vials of blood from him alone!
But the most humiliating part by far was the HIV test.
Sure, most people getting a health checkup would routinely test for HPV, but HIV testing wasn’t nearly as standard. After all, aside from medical staff or victims of medical accidents, it was typically reserved for high-risk populations… and what counted as a high-risk population? Well, that generally meant people who slept around…
This world clearly wasn’t friendly to men either—a few male doctors glanced at Ye Zhen’s test list and couldn’t help but frown, muttering to themselves. “These young men these days, why can’t they be more self-respecting like our generation was?”
“…”
Finally, weighed down by immense psychological pressure, Ye Zhen managed to complete every single item on his checkup list.
But once he handed in his materials at the reception desk, the nurse didn’t lead him to the breakfast hall as he expected—instead, she led him to… a psychological counseling room?
“Mr. Ye, hello. President Jiang has booked you the SSS VIP premium checkup package. Besides the physical health indicators, we also need you to undergo a psychological stability analysis. Our professional counselor will interview you and provide an assessment.”
“…” Ye Zhen was on the verge of a breakdown. “Do I really have to do this before eating?”
“Yes, because your ability to handle high-intensity work and your tolerance while on an empty stomach are also part of the evaluation—it tests your resilience under pressure.”
…
When Ye Zhen entered the counseling room, his mental state was still relatively stable. But half an hour later, he no longer felt so sure of that.
Because every single question on this psychological stability test was utterly absurd and bizarre—
“If your mother and your boss both fell into the water, which one would you save first?”
“…” Gritting his teeth to pass the assessment, Ye Zhen forced himself to answer, “I’d save my boss! Save the boss, is that satisfactory?”
The counselor sighed regretfully and shrugged. “I’m sorry, but this question tests your moral bottom line and whether you can uphold filial piety. Your boss can be replaced, but you only have one mother. Ten points deducted for this question.”
“…”
“Alright, next question: if you have a boss who frequently farts in public, would you honestly point out that it was the boss each time, or would you take the blame for them?”
Surely he couldn’t get this one wrong!
That damned Jiang Xiaoyi—wasn’t this exactly the kind of answer she wanted to hear?
Fine, for the sake of survival, he’d just tell a small lie.
This one was easy for Ye Zhen. He sneered. “Obviously, I’d take the blame for my boss.”
“I’m afraid that’s incorrect.”
Ye Zhen was ready to explode. “So I’m supposed to report my boss instead?”
“This question tests your problem-solving skills and your ability to think comprehensively and deeply. In this situation, first, for the sake of your colleagues’ health, you should open a window to ventilate the room. Second, you should take your boss for a medical checkup—after all, frequent flatulence suggests poor gut health, and as a subordinate, you should always care about your boss’s wellbeing.”
“Who came up with this question?! What kind of garbage psychological counseling is this?”
The counselor shrugged. “President Jiang provided the answer. She really does know you well—she said you’d definitely have a stress response to this one.”
Once the counselor finished speaking, Ye Zhen watched as they checked off a box labeled “irritable and short-tempered.”
“…”
“Alright, moving on. If you’re working overtime late at night with your boss, and she comes to your room hinting that she’s feeling lonely, how would you handle it?”
“…” Ye Zhen didn’t want to answer anymore. He’d figured it out by now—this was clearly Jiang Xiaoyi’s doing, deliberately messing with him. No matter how he answered, it was probably always going to be “wrong.”
“Alright, we’ll count that as a forfeit for the previous question. Next question: if your boss used her position to pressure your boyfriend into sleeping with her, how would you handle it?”
Ye Zhen couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m a man—why would I have a boyfriend?!”
“Oh, my apologies, my apologies.” The counselor’s attitude remained pleasant, admitting frankly, “I forgot to swap out that question. President Jiang wanted us to reach a full five hundred questions, which was a bit much for us, so some were just pulled randomly off the internet… Please bear with us a bit longer, only two hundred questions left. Next: if you bought a house, would you add President Jiang’s name to the deed?”
“…”
Ye Zhen felt he no longer needed to eat, because he was already thoroughly fed up with rage.
Ye Zhen thought this was already the limit of what he could endure, but it turned out there was more.
By the time he dropped his completely clean bill of health onto Jiang Xiaoyi’s desk, she flipped through it with an air of profound scrutiny, and somehow still managed to find fault with it—
“Your body fat percentage falls a bit short of my standards.”
“And these abs—you’ve only got a six-pack. I need an eight-pack. Sure, technically you have abs either way, but the visual difference is like night and day. You’ll need to work on those other two.”
Ye Zhen could no longer bear it. “I’m just here to work as an assistant, not to sell my body. What does the number of abs I have have to do with my job?”
“How does it not matter?” Jiang Xiaoyi took a sip of her tea, adopting Ye Zhen’s old condescending manner as though it were the most natural thing in the world. “Whether or not you have an eight-pack—sure, it might not directly affect your work, but it reflects a person’s values, whether you hold yourself to high standards. Do you stop at six abs and settle for mediocrity, or do you keep striving for perfection? Those two extra abs reveal whether a person has the perseverance and drive to keep pushing forward. From something as small as ab count, we can assess your entire work ethic.”
“Remember to work out after hours, and watch your diet too. If a man can’t even manage his own abs, what else could he possibly manage well?”
Jiang Xiaoyi gave Ye Zhen a warm smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you go out in public for this—I have a home gym in the mansion. I’ll personally supervise you every evening from now on.”
Let’s see how you enjoy clocking in for a workout after a full day of work!
“Oh, and by the way, though your abs fell a bit short of the standard, I’ll graciously let you start today anyway. Also, you have one hour to change out of that black jacket.”
Ye Zhen blinked in confusion. “Why?” The man pressed his lips together. “Aren’t men’s formal suits supposed to be black?” He added, “I look good in black suits.”
“Why? Because I hate the color black.” Jiang Xiaoyi spread her hands infuriatingly. “So what does it matter to me whether you happen to like black?”
“…”
“Oh, one more thing. I noticed on your checkup report that you’re a Capricorn.” Jiang Xiaoyi smiled. “But starting today, you’re a Sagittarius.”
Ye Zhen’s face registered pure shock.
Before he could even ask why, Jiang Xiaoyi graciously provided the answer preemptively. “Because Capricorns and I don’t get along.”
Ye Zhen’s expression looked ready to burst with fury.
But Jiang Xiaoyi gave him no chance to respond. “Oh, right, go make me a cup of coffee.” Jiang Xiaoyi rubbed her temples theatrically. “I didn’t sleep well, feeling a bit drowsy—can’t work without a cup of coffee.”
Sure enough, Ye Zhen loudly protested. “I’m a senior assistant! Do I really need to be making coffee too? Can’t you get an admin staff member for that?”
“Little Ye, when you were the boss, that’s not what you used to say. As my assistant, you should be on call for me twenty-four hours a day. After all, I’m paying you five to six times the industry standard salary, which means I have priority claim on your personal time too, understand?”
“Now, go make me that coffee. And remember, I want latte art on it—latte art is a matter of taste. I’ve included a specialized latte art training session in your Male Virtue EMBA curriculum, so make sure you attend properly, so I can enjoy latte art coffee at home going forward too.”
Ignoring Ye Zhen’s gritted teeth, Jiang Xiaoyi added breezily, “Oh, and if any petal of the latte art comes out imperfect, pour it out and remake it.”
“…”
Jiang Xiaoyi yawned. “I really shouldn’t even have to explain all this—after all, you’re quite familiar with it all already.”
…
“President Jiang! What exactly happened—did I do something wrong?”
Just as Jiang Xiaoyi was about to dismiss Ye Zhen to go make her coffee, Li You’ai came rushing into the office, his voice full of tragic, sorrowful lament, like some jilted heroine from an opera.
“President Jiang! Are you dissatisfied with me about something lately?” Eunuch Li spoke first, so caught up in this major turn of events that he completely failed to notice Ye Zhen still standing in the office. He looked only at Jiang Xiaoyi, his eyes brimming with unspoken grievance. “Is that why you called off the wedding with Yongjian? And I heard from HR that the assistant position he was supposed to take over has already been filled by someone else?”
Eunuch Li looked thoroughly self-reproachful. “If that’s the case, I truly deserve to die for my failure!”
“Right now, Yongjian cries at home every single day, saying that being jilted right before the wedding has cost him his reputation as a man. He’s practically threatening to end his life, and nothing we say can console him.”
Eunuch Li spoke with righteous indignation. “I can’t imagine Yongjian did anything to upset you recently—it must be something I did wrong. Please, President Jiang, enlighten me!”
“You’ve both done fine, but I’ve found someone better.” Jiang Xiaoyi took a sip of her tea, gesturing toward Ye Zhen standing to the side. “Him, right there—my new assistant.”
Eunuch Li finally noticed Ye Zhen and looked rather startled. “Ye Zhen?!”
Jiang Xiaoyi immediately corrected him. “No, don’t call him Ye Zhen anymore—call him Tom.” She smiled infuriatingly at Ye Zhen. “Since I can’t be bothered to remember unimportant details, I’m afraid I might forget your name, so I’ll just give you a code name: Tom.”
Such a cheap-sounding name—sure enough, a look of contempt flashed across Eunuch Li’s face. But he quickly realized he hadn’t been spared either—
Jiang Xiaoyi pointed at Li You’ai. “You’re not particularly important either, so you need an English name too. From now on, you’re Jerry.”
“…”
**
Ye Zhen walked out of Jiang Xiaoyi’s office with a dark expression.
He knew perfectly well Jiang Xiaoyi was getting back at him, but seriously, what on earth?
Tom and Jerry? Like the cat and mouse cartoon?
Ye Zhen didn’t even realize how thoroughly his thinking had already been shaped by Jiang Xiaoyi, his mind continuing to seethe internally—why did someone as pathetic as Li You’ai get to be Jerry, while he was stuck as that constantly beaten fool of a cat, Tom?
But if Ye Zhen was displeased, Li You’ai wasn’t exactly thrilled either.
The moment the two of them stepped out of the office together, Li You’ai started needling him sarcastically—
“Ye Zhen, aren’t you quite something.”
Li You’ai seemed to have already fully embraced his role as Jerry, deciding to put Tom in his place. “Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on. My information network is quite reliable—I already sacrificed my charm getting the latest inside scoop from HR.”
He let out a cold snort. “At first, admin didn’t recognize your face and didn’t know it was you, but they told me the new assistant might be involved with President Jiang, since he arrived in her car—it’s very likely he’s her new lover. I said, that must be why our Yongjian got dumped, right?”
He glared at Ye Zhen, eyes practically shooting fire. “Never expected it would be you!”
“Back when you worked under me, I already thought you were no good—that flirtatious look of yours, always trying to climb up through women, so improper. And now you have the nerve to shamelessly seduce President Jiang! Do you know what that makes you? A homewrecker! You ruined a match made in heaven! You’ve corrupted President Jiang! You sly little fox spirit!”
Hearing Li You’ai’s tirade, Ye Zhen felt the blood rush straight to his head. “It takes two hands to clap—why are you only blaming me and not Jiang Xiaoyi? Besides, she’s the president now and I’m just an employee, so why does it have to be me seducing her? Why couldn’t it be her using her position and status to pressure me?”
“Oh, please! You think President Jiang would need to pressure you? Ha, don’t flatter yourself. A woman like President Jiang—successful, accomplished, beautiful, from a prestigious family—wherever she goes, she’s the center of attention. How many men are already throwing themselves at her feet? And you think she needs to use her position to get you? Take a good look in the mirror!”
Li You’ai issued his final ultimatum coldly. “Don’t think you’ve already won just because of this. Our Yongjian isn’t going to accept defeat so easily. And don’t think you’re suddenly on top of the world just because you’ve become President Jiang’s assistant.”
“Tom, you’d better watch yourself. I, Jerry, won’t let you off easy.” He raised two fingers, pointing to his own eyes, then pointedly toward Ye Zhen’s. “Better keep that fox tail of yours well hidden—I’m watching you.”
Having delivered his declaration of war with full theatrical flair, Eunuch Li strutted off triumphantly, leaving “Tom” standing there alone, glowering darkly, savoring the deep implications of his brand-new name…