It was the depth of winter, just after a heavy snowfall.

Jin Chao sat on the large kang bed by the window, gazing through the lattice with a wooden expression at the bluestone path in the courtyard. Plum trees on both sides of the path stretched their branches freely, red blossoms filling the garden. In the distance, the blue-green tiles of the buildings were covered with white snow. Sunlight shone on the snowy ground, and the damp cold air penetrated the room, making it feel desolate.

Jin Chao’s clothes were still of an old style from previous years. Perhaps from being washed too many times, even the crab apple flowers embroidered on them had faded considerably. She rested her head against the window frame, the orange sunlight spilling onto her cheeks, seeming to give her a faint halo. But her cheeks were gaunt, her eye sockets somewhat sunken, clearly showing her poor spirits.

Once, the legitimate daughter of the Gu family of Shi’an, her beauty had stirred the entire Shi’an. But now, plagued by serious illness, she had grown increasingly frail. Combined with her long-term depression, no trace of her former glory remained.

Shi Ye entered carrying a basin of hot water and saw Jin Chao still gazing out the window. She walked over, bent slightly at the waist, and said softly, “Madam, please don’t tire yourself. Your body is weak and needs proper care. Let me close this window for you?”

“Madam?” Seeing no response, Shi Ye hesitantly asked again, looking up at the window.

Outside was a winter plum tree. Its leaves had fallen, and pale yellowish-green buds covered its branches, though not many had bloomed yet. Further away were willow and banyan trees. After the recent snowfall, everything looked white. There was nothing worth looking at, yet the Third Madam gazed so intently.

Jin Chao looked out the window with disappointment. Spring had not yet arrived, and she feared she would not live to see it.

Shi Ye sensed something in her heart—that winter plum tree had been planted years ago by the eldest young master himself.

Her nose tingled with emotion: “Madam, are you waiting for the Seventh Young Master? Please don’t think about it anymore. The Seventh Young Master is accompanying the Thirteenth Young Master in the front hall receiving guests.”

Jin Chao lowered her eyelids and said softly, “I am his mother in name only. Don’t mention this again… Besides, I’m not waiting for him.”

Shi Ye had always been tactless, not as meticulous as Wan Su. But she was very loyal to Jin Chao; otherwise, she would have left when Jin Chao first lost her authority.

Shi Ye lowered her head, somewhat choked up: “Yes, Madam.” After helping Jin Chao clean herself, she carried the copper basin out.

The door curtain fell, and the room was heavy with sandalwood incense.

Jin Chao used to love fragrances. Not the sandalwood used for Buddhist rituals, but various floral scents. As a bright young woman surrounded by subtle fragrances, she naturally thought that person would like her. After pining for so many years, her desires unfulfilled, and now afflicted with serious illness…

All these years, she had never forgotten…

Jin Chao sighed almost imperceptibly, raised her head to look at the sunlight, and suddenly remembered many years ago when she first saw Chen Xuanqing.

It was in her third uncle’s study. He wore a dark bamboo-patterned soft blue robe, tall and elegant, sitting quietly in a round chair. His long, strong fingers held a scroll as he glanced at her calmly and said, “If Miss Gu thinks I am being improper, feel free to call out.” At that time, Gu Jin Chao was both embarrassed and angry and bit his hand before running away.

She had bitten quite hard, leaving a faint scar on Chen Xuanqing’s left hand. Afraid that others might hear and come to look, he didn’t even dare cry out in pain. Gu Jin Chao only remembered his slightly furrowed brows and his warm, strong hand.

She was just coming of age then, and this first encounter made her fall for him. Yet he was thoroughly annoyed by her, telling others that the Gu family’s daughter was arrogant, domineering, and ignorant of proper etiquette.

She remained unmarried until nineteen, while he married a respectable woman to whom he had long been betrothed.

By this point, Jin Chao should have awakened from her delusion, but fate played cruel tricks. She could never forget the scar on his hand. Later, after Chen Xuanqing’s father’s original wife died, she defied her grandmother’s wishes and became his father’s second wife, just so she could see him every day, just to be near him.

That arrogant and foolish legitimate daughter of the Gu family appeared especially ridiculous in her absurdity.

After marrying into the family, every time she saw Chen Xuanqing being intimate with Yu Wanxue, she felt a bone-gnawing pain in her heart. She couldn’t bear to see Chen Xuanqing’s intimacy with Yu Wanxue, couldn’t stand the sight of him bending down to hold her hand gently in the sunset, and especially couldn’t bear the bright spring light when he painted with a gentle smile while drawing her features.

Out of jealousy, she mistreated Yu Wanxue. Gu Jin Chao was a proper mother-in-law, and Yu Wanxue couldn’t resist her mother-in-law’s instructions.

When Yu Wanxue was punished by Jin Chao for a minor mistake, she was made to kneel in the cold ancestral hall in the dead of winter copying Buddhist scriptures. Being so physically weak, this directly caused her to miscarry. Jin Chao defended herself before the Old Madam, claiming she didn’t know Yu Wanxue was pregnant, and that since Yu Wanxue had made a mistake, she deserved punishment. The Old Madam didn’t scold her much, only instructing Yu Wanxue to rest well and not overthink things.

Chen Xuanqing seemed to change toward her from that time on.

By then, Jin Chao was already managing Chen’s household affairs, and her wisdom was far beyond what Gu Jin Chao had been years before. Yet she still couldn’t escape the matter of love. Whenever Chen Xuanqing showed the slightest concern or spoke ambiguously, she couldn’t help but be moved.

Gu Jin Chao had been raised by her grandmother since childhood, making her bolder than other women and less constrained by etiquette. But such an act betrayed ethical principles, and she dared not do it. Moreover, by then she understood clearly: how could Chen Xuanqing truly care for her?

But her heart still itched like cat scratches, unable to let go of Chen Xuanqing. So she wrote a letter gently refusing Chen Xuanqing.

This letter later fell into the Old Madam’s hands, but its contents had been completely changed. The handwriting was hers, the envelope was hers, and even the lily fragrance on the letter was the one she used.

Although the content of the letter was subtle, it undeniably suggested her feelings for Chen Xuanqing. Jin Chao’s face turned pale as she read it. These phrases, with just slight alterations, conveyed an entirely different meaning.

From that moment on, Gu Jin Chao was stripped of her authority and thrown into a side courtyard by the Chen family. By then, her father no longer cared for her, and her brother was extremely cold toward her. Not a single person in the entire Gu family was willing to help her, despising her for disgracing the Gu family name, only hoping she would die outside!

According to her father’s newly elevated concubine, if Gu Jin Chao had any sense of shame, she should have hanged herself with a white silk cord from the beam. Why did she stubbornly insist on living?

Later, Jin Chao’s life became extremely difficult. Disheartened, it was in such an environment that she gradually developed inner strength and patience, slowly understanding some principles she had never understood before. The years of love and hatred in her heart also faded; love was just what it was. She wasn’t stupid; she just couldn’t see through it.

Half a year later, Gu Jin Chao’s grandmother passed away. When she heard this news, she was trimming branches from the holly in the courtyard. Her scissors paused, nearly cutting off a string of red berries.

On the day of her grandmother’s death, Jin Chao collapsed in grief before the coffin. From then on, she lost her vitality and rapidly lost weight.

Later, due to her serious illness, and also because she was, after all, the Thirteenth Young Master’s birth mother, her circumstances improved significantly compared to before. Chen Xuanqing even moved her out of the damp small courtyard, allowing her to live according to the protocols of a Chen family madam.

Jin Chao looked at her fingers. She just felt there was nothing to cherish anymore; everything she loved had been destroyed. Without hope, people had no spirit to live. Counting carefully, she was only thirty-seven this year.

As for Chen Xuanqing, he was still in his prime, appearing more steady as he aged. He was in the best stage of a man’s life, while she had already grown old.

In early spring last February, Chen Xuanqing took a concubine. Jin Chao sat waiting for his concubine to pay respects. She looked at Yu Wanxue, then at the kneeling concubine who was as tender as a spring onion.

Her heart was calm as a mirror.

After so many years of entanglement, she had seen through Chen Xuanqing. So she just smiled and nodded, removing the bracelet from her wrist and personally putting it on his concubine, whose jade-like wrist was as white as frost. He seemed afraid she might harm his beloved concubine and suddenly stepped forward, then stopped.

Jin Chao saw the deep disgust in his furrowed brow. She withdrew her hand with a smile. She only lamented how time had abandoned her. She too had once been so beautiful, but now her appearance was haggard, with not a trace of her former beauty left.

There was no need to be nervous. Without love, there was no hatred. Jin Chao had long ceased to have strong emotions about anything related to him.

Shi Ye entered again. The room was too cold, so she brought in a heated charcoal brazier. Jin Chao heard the melodious sounds of opera and asked, “What’s happening in the manor? Why is it so lively?”

Shi Ye said, “The Thirteenth Young Master is getting married to the legitimate daughter of the Liu family from Baodi. The Seventh Young Master dotes on his brother and has arranged a grand ceremony.”

Lin’er was getting married. Jin Chao felt momentarily dazed.

Chen Xuanlin was the child she gave birth to in her second year at the Chen family, now sixteen years old. Since he was six, he had never set foot in her door. She had only seen him from afar during festivals and holidays. The child was very handsome, somewhat resembling his uncle. Her child had become so estranged, treating her almost like an enemy.

The person who raised him must have taught him from a young age not to be close to his mother. When Lin’er was small, Jin Chao was busy with household affairs and entrusted him to the Old Madam’s care, naturally making them even less close.

The charcoal brazier was warm, yet Jin Chao suddenly felt cold. The bedding was warm, but the chill came from deep within her bones. Jin Chao slowly closed her eyes. She never thought to blame anyone or resent Chen Xuanqing for anything. Resent him for being heartless? Resent him for his deep scheming? It always seemed somewhat delusional. She only resented herself for not seeing through it all.

But now, what did it matter? Just sleep, and slowly, she would end her remaining life.

The lively opera singing continued, gradually entering her dreams, becoming scenes in her dreams.

Amid spring, passion is hard to convey; suddenly filled with longing and resentment for someone.

It’s because I was born a delicate beauty, chosen from a noble family, divinely matched in an excellent union, yet my youth was thrown far away. Who has seen my sleeping emotions?

I can only follow along bashfully. Who is in my dream? With spring light secretly flowing, stretching on and on, where can these inner feelings be expressed?

Drowning in torment, this remaining life can only question heaven.

The lyrics are from “The Peony Pavilion”