The next day, they left before 10 AM. Usually, on weekends, Xu Yan would laze in bed with Shen Haoming until 11, then go for brunch. But that day, Xu Yan woke up at dawn. Insomnia seemed contagious; she hadn’t seen Qiao Lin close her eyes. Yet Qiao Lin insisted she had slept a bit and even dreamed of giving birth to a “jar person.” “A jar person?” Xu Yan frowned. “Yes,” Qiao Lin explained, “like those circus children raised in jars, with atrophied limbs and oversized heads.” She shuddered, jumped out of bed, and said, “I’ll make breakfast.”
The kitchen was filled with the aroma of scallion oil. Qiao Lin pan-fried two scallion pancakes. This was the most familiar food from childhood, which Xu Yan hadn’t eaten since moving to Beijing. Had she not smelled it again, she might have forgotten such food existed.
Xu Yan wanted to take Qiao Lin to Jingshan first; she loved a stretch of red wall nearby. The streets were quiet, with few cars. They silently listened to the radio. Qiao Lin pursed her lips, seeming sad. Xu Yan said, “Don’t think about it. It was just a dream.” Qiao Lin nodded, “I know, I know. It’s fine. I’m waiting for Lawyer Wang’s call. He said he’d call today.” Xu Yan felt Qiao Lin was transferring some pressure onto her, which irritated her.
The car suddenly jolted, snapping Xu Yan back to reality. She slammed on the brakes, but they had already hit the car in front. Qiao Lin hunched over, protecting her belly. The woman from the front car berated Xu Yan and then called the traffic police. When they arrived, Xu Yan searched the car but couldn’t find the vehicle registration. She had to call Shen Haoming. A few minutes later, he called back, saying he found it at home; the driver had taken it out for repairs and forgot to return it. Shen Haoming said, “I’ll bring it to you. Where are you?” Xu Yan hesitated for a few seconds before giving her location.
She returned to the car. Qiao Lin leaned against the seat, hands still on her belly. Xu Yan said, “My boyfriend is on his way. I told him you’re my cousin. Don’t mention our parents.” Qiao Lin nodded, “I know, I know.” Xu Yan wanted to say more but seeing Qiao Lin close her eyes, she remained silent.
Shen Haoming arrived and handled the accident. Taking the driver’s seat, he turned to Qiao Lin with a smile, “Cousin, I’m a very steady driver. Feel free to nap.”
It was past 11, so Shen Haoming suggested lunch first. He drove to a nearby shopping center. There was a Cantonese restaurant on the third floor where Yu Lan often had dim sum with friends. Shen Haoming handed the menu to Qiao Lin, asking what she’d like. Qiao Lin glanced at it and then passed it to Xu Yan. As Xu Yan perused the menu, she felt Qiao Lin watching her. A basket of shrimp dumplings costs over a hundred yuan, clearly beyond a white-collar worker’s budget. Qiao Lin had probably seen through her facade—the borrowed car, the rented apartment, everything full of inconsistencies. When Xu Yan looked up, Qiao Lin smiled and said, “I’m fine with anything, just a bit spicy.”
“I knew Xu Yan would crash,” Shen Haoming said. “You’re not a real driver until you’ve had two or three accidents. But with you in the car, we can’t take any risks. I told her I should be your driver today…” Qiao Lin smiled, “You’ve already gone to so much trouble.” Shen Haoming replied, “Didn’t she often trouble you before? She said you took care of her in high school, buying her raincoats, accompanying her for IV drips…” Qiao Lin said softly, “That was nothing.”
Shen Haoming continued, “Sometimes cousins are closer than siblings. My relationship with my cousin is better than with my brother…” Qiao Lin asked, “You have a brother?” Shen Haoming affirmed, “Yes, a crybaby. He’s such a bother.” Qiao Lin wondered, “How could they have a second child?” Shen Haoming laughed, “You ask the same question as Xu Yan.
My parents got Canadian passports.” Qiao Lin murmured, “Oh, foreigners…” Shen Haoming added, “In the future, Xu Yan and I will have at least three kids. Your child won’t lack playmates.” Qiao Lin nodded, “That’s nice.” Xu Yan focused on eating the newly arrived grouper. Three children? She seemed to hear Qiao Lin laughing inwardly.
Qiao Lin’s phone rang. Xu Yan feared she might answer in front of Shen Haoming, but Qiao Lin stood up and left the table. Xu Yan told Shen Haoming, “You don’t need to accompany us this afternoon. I’ll just take her around Houhai.” Shen Haoming replied, “I’m having dinner with Ren Guodong. Remember I missed his daughter’s hundred-day celebration? No worries, leaving at five is fine.”
Qiao Lin returned her face grave, staring blankly at her plate. She didn’t eat, and Xu Yan didn’t urge her. When Shen Haoming suggested leaving, she stood up and walked out. Shen Haoming called after her, handing her the down jacket left on the chair.
Qiao Lin followed behind them, clutching her jacket. The lining was inside out, with a hole and some stuffing poking through. Xu Yan almost suspected she did it on purpose, hoping they’d buy her a new coat. Shen Haoming mused, “Should I buy something for Ren Guodong’s daughter? What should I get?” They circled the mall until Shen Haoming suddenly stopped, pointing at a window display. “Let’s get this.” A small white tulle dress nestled among clouds, identical to the one Xu Yan and Qiao Lin had seen before. It must be a chain store with the same window dressing. Shen Haoming asked Qiao Lin, “Do you know if your baby is a boy or a girl?” Qiao Lin shook her head. Shen Haoming said, “No problem,” and entered the store.
Qiao Lin immediately told Xu Yan, “Lawyer Wang said he can’t take the case.” She bit her lip and added, “He’s in a meeting. I’ll call again later to beg him.” Xu Yan said, “Don’t do this, Qiao Lin. You weren’t like this before.” Qiao Lin’s eyes welled up, “I’m so useless. I can’t do anything right.” Shen Haoming emerged with shopping bags, handing one to Qiao Lin. “I bought a gift set with everything. It’s white, suitable for boys or girls.” Qiao Lin turned away, wiping her tears. Shen Haoming stood awkwardly holding the bag. After a moment, Qiao Lin turned back, forcing a smile, “Thank you thank you.”
When they reached Houhai, the sky was overcast. A light, chilly snow floated in the air. The river surface was covered with thick, blue-gray ice. Shen Haoming asked, “Do you feel better after coming out?” Qiao Lin nodded, “Thank you both.” Xu Yan turned to face the river. In the center, a duck-shaped boat was frozen in place, tilted with its head towards the sky.
Qiao Lin said, “We have a river back home too, called the Nai River. It’s even wider than this.” Shen Haoming replied, “I thought your hometown was all mountains. I told Xu Yan we should climb Mount Tai sometime.” Qiao Lin continued, “When we were little, Xu Yan and I saw a child flying a kite fall into the water and drown. His mother cried loudly on the shore, surrounded by a crowd.” Xu Yan said, “I don’t remember that.” Qiao Lin went on, “You stood there. I couldn’t pull you away.
After everyone left, you used a bamboo pole to retrieve the child’s kite and took it home.” Shen Haoming asked, “Was the child her friend? Did she want the kite as a memento?” Qiao Lin smiled, “She just wanted the kite.” Xu Yan stared at Qiao Lin’s face. Qiao Lin didn’t look at her, seemingly lost in memories. “The child’s mother cried by the shore every day after that, clinging to passersby’s legs, begging them to save her son.
Later, they cut down the trees along the shore and built a row of buildings.” She fell silent for a moment, then told Shen Haoming, “Xu Yan never says what she wants.” Shen Haoming agreed, “Right, she keeps everything to herself.” Qiao Lin added, “It’s okay. As long as you’re always there, silently supporting her, that’s enough.”
Xu Yan gazed at the lake before her. The afternoon sun glinted off the water, casting a golden sheen. Yu Yiming set down the oar, letting their boat drift. Suddenly, Qiao Lin spoke, “I once saw a water monster. A child flying a kite fell into the river, and a white mist rose from the surface. It drifted towards us, and I was terrified. I grabbed Xu Yan’s hand to run, but she stood frozen. So I stayed, linking arms with her, thinking if the monster came, it could take us both.” Qiao Lin leaned over the lake, splashing the water, and said, “Yu Yiming, when will you teach us to swim?”
The snow fell heavier, making the river appear grayer. The frozen duck boat behind them grew smaller, disappearing around a bend. They decided to enter a café by the roadside. Inside, it was crowded. Shen Haoming remarked, “Hey, looks like everyone from Houhai is hiding in here.” Xu Yan paid and queued for their drinks. The barista seemed new, spilling hot milk. Shen Haoming nudged Xu Yan from behind, saying, “Your cousin left her phone in the car. I’ll go with her to get it.” Xu Yan suggested waiting until after getting the coffee, but Shen Haoming insisted it was close by and left.
Through the window, Xu Yan watched them walk in the direction they’d come from, with Qiao Lin seemingly talking. She anxiously watched the barista, folding and unfolding her receipt. Perhaps Qiao Lin was deliberate; panicked by Lawyer Wang’s refusal, she might think Shen Haoming could help and wanted to talk to him. Xu Yan angrily tore the receipt in half.
The barista took the torn receipt, trying to decipher the order. “Don’t you have basic training?” Xu Yan snapped. She set the coffee on the table and sat down. What would Qiao Lin tell Shen Haoming? If the truth came out, how would she explain it? Her mind went blank, unable to formulate any excuse, repeatedly checking her phone for the time.
They finally returned. Qiao Lin didn’t sit, saying she needed to make a call after glancing at Xu Yan. Xu Yan studied Shen Haoming’s expression for clues, but he kept looking at his phone. She touched his arm, offering him the coffee. He sipped it, grimacing, “This tastes awful.” When Qiao Lin returned, her face remained grave. She drank some water, clutching the cup absently. Shen Haoming, noticing the snow outside, told Xu Yan, “Don’t drive. I’ll have my driver pick you up.”
When the car arrived, they got in. Shen Haoming retrieved the items he’d bought for Qiao Lin at the children’s store and had the driver put them in the trunk. He approached the car window, telling Qiao Lin, “Cousin, if you’re not leaving in the next couple of days, come visit us.” Qiao Lin nodded, watching Shen Haoming walk away and get into his car. “He’s so kind,” she told Xu Yan.
They rode in silence. The driver detoured to refuel. As the engine died, the radio music stopped. Qiao Lin, watching the swirling snow outside, said, “I’m going back tomorrow.” Xu Yan simply replied, “Okay.”
The sun moved overhead, the wind stirring the lake’s surface, raising the scent of water. The boat stirred from its midday slumber. Xu Yan, Qiao Lin, and Yu Yiming leaned back in unison, curling their legs and lying down, facing the sky. Perhaps waiting for the sunset glow, but that gradually became unimportant. Xu Yan closed her eyes. The lake water enveloped her like warm arms, its pulse rising and falling in a subtle, powerful rhythm. The boat moved slowly, but they had nowhere to go. Not to the opposite shore, or back. It seemed they could stay that way forever, no one leaving.
Nothing else seemed to matter. Xu Yan relaxed her brow. She no longer dwelled on how much they loved each other. She just knew she loved them. That strong emotion made her feel she wasn’t superfluous. She was one of them, even if insignificant and disposable, she didn’t care.
When she opened her eyes, the sunset had passed. Only a few small clouds hung on the horizon. The lake’s surface was golden, stretching endlessly. But in an instant, the water began to turn gray. As she turned her face, she saw Qiao Lin gazing at the lake, as if she’d been watching for ages, or as if her gaze had dimmed the surface. Yu Yiming’s eyes were still closed, a faint smile on his lips. Don’t open your eyes, Xu Yan silently wished for him. Because soon he’d realize the sun had set, and they’d have to head back. Their journey was over.
Xu Yan ordered takeout for dinner. Qiao Lin barely ate, saying she wanted to lie down. After eating, Xu Yan watched some TV. When she entered the bedroom, Qiao Lin was sitting on the bed, lost in thought. Xu Yan went to close the curtains. Under the streetlight, a man in a down jacket was walking his dog. It was the neighbor named Tang from across the hall. He looked up at the moon for a moment, then picked up his dog, tucked it under his arm, and entered the building.
Xu Yan heard Qiao Lin ask softly from behind, “Can Shen Haoming help us?” Xu Yan turned to face her, saying, “Didn’t you ask him yourself when you went to get the phone?” Qiao Lin shook her head, “I didn’t say anything. He asked if I wanted to work in Beijing, saying he could arrange it. I said no.” “Oh,” Xu Yan responded. Qiao Lin continued, “He’s a lawyer and knows many people. He might even have government connections…” Xu Yan asked, “How do you know he’s a lawyer?” Qiao Lin replied, “He said so himself. I didn’t ask anything.” She looked down at her rounded belly, “Lawyer Wang isn’t answering my calls, and the TV station hasn’t replied. I’m out of options. This has dragged on for years; it needs to end…”
Xu Yan laughed bitterly, “Have you ever considered me? Do you think I get whatever I want, that life is easy for me? You want a few days of peace; don’t I? At least you had a complete family as a child. What did I have?” Her eyes reddened, “After all these years, can’t you just leave me alone?” Qiao Lin cried too, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come to bother you…” She looked up, sniffling, “You haven’t seen how Mom and Dad are now.
Dad starts drinking as soon as he wakes up, his hands shaking so badly he can’t hold chopsticks. Mom spends all day at the computer, posting for help on forums, and reposting every few minutes. People call her crazy and kick her out, so she re-registers and posts again… I can’t handle it anymore. My health is failing; I’ve fainted on the street several times…” She stopped, staring ahead as if trying to make something out.
The desk lamp illuminated Qiao Lin, but her face was in shadow, her cheeks hollowed by the darkness. Xu Yan looked at her, surprised by how her appearance had changed. The radiance of youth had vanished, perhaps inevitably, but it seemed as if it had never existed. No one could imagine her girlhood appearance from this face. Xu Yan seemed to see that long-legged girl with a slightly upturned face crossing the campus from the second-floor classroom window, walking out the main gate, then disappearing. Where had she gone?
Xu Yan moved to the bedside, taking Qiao Lin’s hand. It was very warm, heat seeping through the gaps between her fingers. Qiao Lin’s fingers were long; surely this wasn’t the first time Xu Yan had noticed. Perhaps on some day during their long adolescence, she had secretly admired these hands, silently marveling at their beauty. But now, for the first time, she realized these hands were suited for playing the piano. If they had met a piano teacher in childhood, he would have surely said so.
If they had met a dance teacher then, he might have said she was suited for dancing. This body, burdened with suffering, might have also harbored some talent. But talent didn’t matter; for some people, there was never a moment in life when anyone sat down to discuss their talents. Xu Yan recalled her junior year when she got an internship at a TV station and was later kept on. The channel director had told her, “I don’t think you have a particular talent for being a host. Do you know why we chose you? Because you have a drive to stand out from the crowd, to reach for higher things.”
Xu Yan held Qiao Lin’s hand and sat down. She felt as if she was drawing warmth from it. But the room was very warm, the floor was warm, not at all like December. She said, “I promise you, I’ll ask Shen Haoming. I need to think about how to phrase it. I’m not doing this for Mom and Dad, just for you. Do you understand?” Xu Yan squeezed her hand and said, “Give me some time, okay?” Qiao Lin nodded.
After ten o’clock, Shen Haoming called. He said, “Guess what? I mixed up the gifts. The bag for your cousin was the dress for Ren Guodong’s daughter.” Xu Yan held the phone on her shoulder as she opened the paper bag, untying the cream-colored satin ribbon. The small dress adorned with pearls lay folded quietly in the box. “Should I bring it over now?” she asked. “No need,” Shen Haoming said, “The gift box I bought for your cousin can be used for Ren Guodong’s daughter anyway. I bet your cousin will have a girl,” he laughed on the other end of the line, “The dress I bought will come in handy.”