Less than a month after returning from Beijing, Qiao Lin gave birth to a daughter. The baby arrived over a month early but was healthy. Qiao Lin sent a few photos – the infant was tiny but had long limbs. Shen Haoming glanced at the pictures and remarked, “She looks a bit like you.”
That month, Xu Yan was extremely busy. The TV station was preparing a new show to air during the New Year. She spent long days recording, often repeating the same lines for hours. During this time, she visited Shen Haoming’s home once. Shen Jinsong wasn’t there, only Yu Lan and the other ladies were playing mahjong. Xu Yan joined for a few rounds, losing 6,000 yuan. As she left, Yu Lan suggested they play again during the New Year. Xu Yan thought this might be a good way to please Yu Lan, so she convinced Shen Haoming to stay home for the New Year instead of going to Koh Samui. She hoped they might even see Uncle Gao at the family dinner.
Xu Yan received the call in the evening. It was three days before the New Year, and she had just bought fireworks with Shen Haoming that afternoon. It had started raining on their way back, with forecasts predicting snow and a ten-degree temperature drop by midnight. The weather in Beijing had been unusually warm lately, giving a false sense of spring’s arrival.
Her phone rang, displaying an unfamiliar number. She was in Shen Haoming’s greenhouse, directing the housekeeper to move orchids indoors. Shen Haochen had been called to help too; Xu Yan thought some physical work would be good for him, keeping his mind occupied. He grimaced, saying the flowers were ugly. She put her hands on her hips and asked what flowers he liked. “Fake ones,” he replied. As she told Shen Haochen to move a pot to the living room, she answered the call.
It was her mother, wailing loudly. She informed Xu Yan that Qiao Lin had committed suicide, jumping into the river on the outskirts of town. “Is she still being resuscitated?” Xu Yan asked repeatedly. Her mother said it had happened yesterday; Qiao Lin was already gone. Xu Yan hung up.
Silence enveloped her. She brushed the dirt from her hands and picked up an orchid pot, walking outside.
The air was damp, and it seemed snow had begun falling. Something cool and sharp, like claws, gripped her scalp. She reached out, trying to touch the snowflakes. Suddenly, the flower pot crashed to the ground. Ceramic shards spun on the floor. A buzzing filled her ears.
Shen Haochen approached, looking at the broken pot at her feet. “Ha!” he said smugly, “Fake flowers wouldn’t shatter like that.” “Go away!” she shouted, crouching to gather the orchid from the debris. Shen Haochen, startled, remained motionless. Xu Yan shook the dirt from the orchid and walked away, cradling the flowers.
She placed the flowers on the passenger seat and drove out of the villa complex. Outside, the wind howled, and snowflakes struck the windshield like desperate moths. She gripped the steering wheel tightly, her body shaking. Tears welled in her eyes as she furrowed her brow, focusing on the road ahead. Why had Qiao Lin done this? Anger surged through her. On their last night in Beijing, hadn’t Qiao Lin promised to wait for her news? Why couldn’t she have waited just a little longer?
The car sped off the highway, barely missing a truck. After several reckless turns, it came to a stop in an empty parking lot. She pounded the steering wheel furiously, the horn blaring. Hadn’t she said she’d find a way? Why didn’t Qiao Lin trust her? Leaning back in her seat, she broke into loud sobs.
Her phone rang several times in the passenger seat. It was Shen Haoming. Sitting in the darkness, she waited for the screen to dim before whispering, “My sister is dead.”
She didn’t return for the memorial service.
On New Year’s Eve, a light snow fell. She stood at the entrance to the courtyard, watching Shen Haoming light fireworks. She tilted her head back, observing the sparks bloom and fall. The sky darkened once more. Snowflakes landed on her face.
She called home. Her mother wept continuously, repeating, “How could Qiao Lin be so cruel as to abandon us?” In the background, she could hear a baby crying, her father cursing, and the clatter of dishes falling. Her mother asked, “When are you coming back?” It seemed to be the first time she had expressed needing Xu Yan. “In a few days,” she replied. “Don’t ever come back!” her father shouted before hanging up.
Xu Yan never returned to Tai’an. An unrelenting anger burned within her. She felt Qiao Lin hadn’t understood her, hadn’t trusted her, and perhaps hadn’t even wanted her to be happy. She believed Qiao Lin’s actions were meant to burden her with eternal guilt. For a long time, this anger effectively suppressed her grief, allowing her to sleep normally.
One day in April, she went to Shen Haoming’s house for dinner. It was just family that night, enjoying oysters from Paris and lobster from New Zealand. Yu Lan complained the oysters weren’t as fresh as last time. “Aren’t you going to Paris next month?” Shen Jinsong asked, changing TV channels with the remote. The screen showed a female host in a white suit. She glanced at her notes, then looked up:
“In 1988, at a hospital in Tai’an, Wang Yazhen, suffering from rheumatic heart disease, gave birth to her second daughter. She felt no joy of motherhood, only fear. Beside her, the 3.8-pound infant opened her eyes, curiously observing the world. Did she know then that this world held not warm blessings, but merciless punishment? Outside the operating room, Qiao Jianbin sat on a bench, sleepless for a night. After months of shuttling between the Family Planning Commission and hospitals, he was exhausted. Yet their family’s misfortune had only just begun…”
Xu Yan stared at the screen, clutching her sweater collar, feeling suffocated.
“This ‘Focus Moment’ can be watchable sometimes,” Shen Jinsong remarked. Yu Lan retorted, “What’s there to see? It’s always about nail households or over-birth families.” “Mom, Mom,” Shen Haochen asked, “Were you an over-birth?”
Yu Lan replied, “Darling, the Canadian government even gave me a bonus for having you.”
“…The reporter visited Qiao Jianbin’s home. After Qiao Jianbin’s dismissal, the family relied on this clinic for their livelihood. The ‘Peace Clinic’ sign still hangs outside, but no patients have come for years. The examination bed on the first floor is piled with various health supplements. Some are long expired, but Wang Yazhen keeps them for the family to use. She showed the reporter a bottle of pills, explaining, ‘These are for sleep. My eldest daughter often has trouble sleeping, so I give her these…’ For over twenty years, Qiao Jianbin and Wang Yazhen have sought help through various channels, hoping his workplace would reinstate him…”
The camera panned across their home. Cobwebs in corners, a greasy tablecloth, a yellowed toilet, finally settling on a photo on the wall. It was their only family portrait. Xu Yan, about four or five years old, stood on the far right, with Qiao Lin’s hand on her shoulder.
Xu Yan felt all eyes in the room turn towards her. She nearly jumped from her seat, ready to bolt from the room.
The host then detailed the family’s life over the years, mentioning the over-birth daughter who became infertile due to premature birth and medication. Her whereabouts weren’t mentioned. Nor was Qiao Lin’s daughter. The program only said that Qiao Lin had spent years struggling with this issue, leading to failed relationships and job loss. Two months ago, one night after putting her child to sleep as usual, she left home and jumped into the river.
The scene returned to the studio. The host said, “Just the day before her suicide, Qiao Lin sent a text message to our program’s producer. In it, she wrote: ‘Mr. Chen, I beg you to do an episode about us. This isn’t just about our family; many families face similar situations. I believe the program will have a significant impact if aired. If you need any more information, please don’t hesitate to ask. Happy New Year in advance!'” The host lowered her eyes, pausing for a few seconds: “We dedicate this belated episode to Qiao Lin, may she rest in peace. We also hope that compassionate lawyers will contact the Qiao Jianbin family to help them overcome their difficulties. Thank you for watching, we’ll see you next time…”
Shen Haoming angrily exclaimed, “This is too messed up.” Yu Lan glanced at him, “What do you want to do? This isn’t your type of case.” Shen Haoming replied, “I could ask my classmates, maybe someone would take it.” Shen Jinsong said, “There’s no need for a lawsuit. With the right connections, this could be resolved with a single word.” Yu Lan asked, “Is there a donation hotline? We could just send them some money.”
The housekeeper served fruit. The TV had switched to a drama series, but Xu Yan dared not look at the screen, fearing the previous images might reappear. She hunched her shoulders, staring at the plate before her until she heard Shen Haoming say, “Let’s go,” and stood to follow him out.
She hugged her bag as she sat in the car, her body trembling. “Where’s your coat?” Shen Haoming asked. She realized she had forgotten it but pleaded, “Don’t go back for it.” The car stopped, and she found herself in a spacious courtyard surrounded by deep red brick walls. Shivering, she asked, “Where are we?” Shen Haoming replied, “Su Han’s birthday party. Didn’t I tell you?”
The house was noisy, with long tables full of people on both sides. Apart from Su Han, she recognized no one. Shen Haoming introduced them one by one, but she couldn’t remember a single name despite nodding. “This is Fang Lei,” Shen Haoming said, pointing to a girl on the right. “We were at the same school in England, also studying law. She’s my junior.” The girl laughed, “You barely studied there before transferring. How can you call yourself a senior?” Shen Haoming retorted, “Hey, I’m in the alumni directory.” The girl raised an eyebrow, “That’s just so you’ll donate money.” Shen Haoming laughed. Xu Yan forced a smile, quickly fading as tears suddenly rose.
Qiao Lin held Xu Yan’s hand as they climbed the mountain. Xu Yan said, “It’s about to rain, let’s go back.” Qiao Lin replied, “You’re going to Beijing, I need to get you a protective charm.” Xu Yan protested, “But the vendors must have left by now.” Qiao Lin insisted, “Let’s go a bit further and see.”
A heavy rain began to fall, and they ran into a temple. As they shook off the rain, water droplets from Qiao Lin’s long hair splashed onto Xu Yan’s face, making her giggle. Xu Yan said, “Be serious, the Buddha might get angry.” Qiao Lin stifled her laughter, looked around the main hall, and whispered, “What do people pray for at this temple?”
Xu Yan propped her elbow up, resting her chin on her hand while secretly wiping away tears. Shen Haoming was asking the girl named Fang Lei, “When did you move back?” Fang Lei raised an eyebrow, “How do you know I moved back? Don’t I look like I’m just here on vacation?” Shen Haoming shook his head, “I don’t believe you could stand staying in England.”
The sisters stood side by side in the center of the main hall. The Buddha’s neck stretched into the darkness, its face invisible, but Xu Yan could sense a beam of white light shining down from above.
Qiao Lin whispered, “Do you think with so many people praying, the Buddha can help them all?” Xu Yan replied, “Maybe just the ones she likes.” Qiao Lin laughed, “Then she must like me. I always hoped Mom would give birth to you. I even said I wanted a little sister. See, the Buddha gave you to me.” Xu Yan asked, “You were only two years old, how did you know to pray to Buddha?”
Qiao Lin responded, “I couldn’t say it out loud, but Buddha surely knew what was in my heart.” Xu Yan said, “If you had known what would happen later, you wouldn’t have wished for it.” Qiao Lin replied, “I still would have. I never thought you shouldn’t exist, truly, not for a moment. I just often wished we could be one person.” She held Xu Yan’s hand. Her palm was very warm as if the heat was flowing from it.
“Can you take a photo for us?” Xu Yan heard someone calling her. It was Su Han, standing behind Fang Lei and Shen Haoming. Xu Yan took the phone. Su Han asked Shen Haoming with a smile, “Remember when the three of us used to drive to the suburbs for BBQ every weekend? After one summer break, everyone got busy, and we stopped meeting. Or maybe you two met without inviting me.” Fang Lei glanced at her, “You’re right, we were secretly dating.” Shen Haoming nodded, “Then she dumped me, I was heartbroken, so I returned to China.” Su Han laughed, “Be careful, your girlfriend might take it seriously and argue with you.” Shen Haoming said, “She wouldn’t.”
A cool breeze drifted through the main hall. The rain seemed to have stopped. Someone was leaning against the doorway, watching them. The person wore a tattered coat, and in the backlight, their feet weren’t visible. At first, they thought he was sitting but later realized his feet were covered by the coat – he was a dwarf. Very old, with a face full of wrinkles like a crumpled newspaper. As they walked out, he spoke, “Do you want to know your fate?” They glanced at each other but didn’t stop. He said, “It’s free, just to entertain myself.”
He approached them, looking up at Qiao Lin, and said, “Your early fortune isn’t smooth, there are some obstacles, but it gets better after thirty.” Qiao Lin asked, “How so?” He answered, “Many descendants, someone to see you off.” Qiao Lin laughed, “Is having someone to see you off considered good?” The dwarf didn’t answer, turning to Xu Yan, “You, whatever you want, you’ll have to fight others for it.” Xu Yan asked, “Will I win in the end?” He shook his head, “I don’t know.” Xu Yan asked, “There are things you don’t know?” He nodded, “Some things.”
Su Han nudged Shen Haoming, saying, “You should talk to Fang Lei. She’s an angry young woman now, critical of everything, always condemning society.” Shen Haoming said, “It’s reverse culture shock. It’ll pass.” Fang Lei asked, “Like you, comfortably playing the role of the Shen family’s young master?” Shen Haoming became animated, “Don’t think I’m so numb. I’ve always wanted to do something…”
Then he began talking about the TV program he had watched before leaving: A couple accidentally conceived a second child, which should have been aborted according to regulations. For some reason, it was delayed for several months – not their fault. At seven months, they went for an induced labor, but the child was born alive… Su Han sighed, “What a strong life.” Shen Haoming continued, “But it’s considered over-birth, the man lost his job…” When he mentioned Qiao Lin’s suicide, Fang Lei shook her head, “That’s the most tragic part. Because of the older generation’s issues, the children’s lives are ruined.” Su Han said, “The interesting part of this story is that the legally born sister died, while the illegally born sister survived. Now they only have one child, is it still considered over-birth?”
Xu Yan left her seat, went to the bathroom, and locked the door.
Qiao Lin didn’t distrust her; she had lost hope in the world. Xu Yan remembered the last time Qiao Lin called, early one morning. She said, “I’ve finished my postpartum confinement today.” Xu Yan asked, “Do you have enough milk? Can you sleep now?” Qiao Lin didn’t answer, only saying, “Everything’s fine. I just wanted to let you know. You can go about your business.” Her voice was flat, neither happy nor sad, just a sense of relief. She seemed to have been waiting for this day. Waiting for the child to be born, for the first month to pass… She was so eager to resolve her parents’ situation, not hoping for a new life, just wanting a result that would ease her mind a little. If not, she couldn’t wait any longer. She had already let go.
Someone outside was impatiently knocking on the door. Xu Yan turned on the faucet and put her face under the water stream.
The outside noise disappeared. It seemed to sink into the river, with only the gurgling of water in her ears. “I just wanted to see you,” Qiao Lin turned and smiled. Those slightly reddened eyes looked at her from the dark water depths. Then they went out.
Xu Yan returned to her seat and told Shen Haoming she might have caught a cold and wanted to go back. Shen Haoming said, “Let’s leave together.” In the car, he said, “Fang Lei heard about the news story I mentioned, and she was quite upset too. She said she has some lawyer friends who’ve returned from abroad, and maybe one of them would be willing to take the case. I’ll call Uncle Gao later and ask him to talk to the people in Tai’an.
This incident has caused a big stir; they’ll have to address it somehow.” Xu Yan stared at him blankly, thinking, “This is what Qiao Lin exchanged her life for,” as tears fell. Shen Haoming was surprised, “What’s wrong?” He grabbed Xu Yan’s hand, “You didn’t believe that Fang Lei and I dated, did you? We were joking.” Xu Yan shook her head, “No, no, I’m just touched. You have a kind heart.” She looked at Shen Haoming and reached out to touch his cheek. He nuzzled her palm with his chin, smiling, “I forgot to shave.”