These past few days, busy with Li Jie’s materials, Shen Xifan hadn’t been sleeping well. Yawning incessantly at work, by the time she headed home, she was already in a daze, walking aimlessly into the snow. Stepping on the thick snow beneath her feet, she found it amusing, so she made sure to tread heavily, enjoying the crunching sound, which gave her a sense of dominance.
Lately, she kept pondering over the question, “Is the pressure on me too much?”
It’s just that she pitied the innocent, pristine snow, being inadvertently trampled by her.
Ultimately, it had something to do with He Suye, and she found herself thinking about him, subtly and casually at first, but once she started, she couldn’t stop, the thoughts lingering endlessly.
Yet, there was a bitterness, not the taste of coffee, nor the lingering aroma of bitter tea, but the taste of Chinese medicine upon ingestion, somewhat coercive, like medicine one had to take, inevitable, just like thinking of him.
Frustrated, she bumped her head against the bookshelf, accidentally knocking down a precarious pile of books from the cabinet. Shen Xifan grumbled, enjoying the cathartic feeling of the books raining down, venting her emotions in the process.
She laughed, heartily, realizing she was being a bit silly, but endearingly so, unable to resist liking herself.
She decided to sit on the ground and organize the scattered books, unable to hide the smile in her eyes, all textbooks and reference books from her university days, some with blank pages, devoid even of names.
Skipping classes, dozing off in class, staying up late for exams, those days were gone forever. She was independent now, shouldering responsibilities.
But those times were truly beautiful, yet it’s only after losing them that one realizes their value, and only with infinite time ahead can one cherish those fleeting moments.
However, her hand suddenly paused as she noticed a photo mixed in with the pile of books, along with a few letters. Hesitating for a moment, she still picked them up, the seemingly weightless papers feeling like a ton to her.
Because it was painful, it felt exceptionally heavy, not weighing down on her hand, but accumulating in her heart.
In the photo, she looked genuinely happy, with a sincere smile, her eyes filled with sweetness, and her arm linked with Yan Heng, who was looking at her with indulgence, back then, everyone thought they were naturally suited for each other.
During love, every girl is an angel, blessed by the gods, hence always happy and beautiful.
But now, as she turned to face the glass cabinet, she forced out a radiant smile, seeing her reflection in the glass, devoid of luster, her smile forced, a stark contrast to the photo, it became a kind of ironic mockery.
Truly ironic, she thought, having to encounter her first love three years later, seemed to be entangled in some inexplicable way.
She casually threw the photo and letters into the cabinet, sitting back at the computer to continue translating materials. She didn’t notice that the letters had silently fallen to the ground.
“Every day, I suddenly find myself with a lot of free time, so I wander, doing nothing.
Do you know? Every day, as I pass by the mailbox on the school street, I have this urge, I want to write down all our past days and stuff them all into this mailbox, and each envelope has a common address, called love.
The mailbox doesn’t speak, but it knows I love you. Even if you don’t love me anymore, even if you leave me, I still want to remember our past this way.”
“On the highway, clusters of clouds are attracted by the sunlight, the sky is light blue, and the moon and the sun shine simultaneously, just like the moment I saw your face for the second time, it blinded my heart, blinded my eyes, from then on, regardless of everything, as long as I can be with you, what does it matter if the sky collapses?
I seem to have forgotten to ask you, how did you feel when you first saw me?
I didn’t ask, and you didn’t say, and now there’s no chance, I feel so regretful.”
“Time passes so quickly, cherry blossoms fall, roses bloom, gardenias wither, the first lotus blossoms, in the blink of an eye, our lives have been so unpredictable, walking away.
Actually, until today, I don’t regret loving you, it’s just that we’re both adults now, we always have to accept some inevitable things, and we always have to understand that two people who once loved each other may not be able to reach the end due to some reasons.”
The next day, going to work, she felt a bit weary, looking at the melting snow outside the window, inexplicably feeling disheartened, she thought, if only things could stay like this forever, with the snow covering everything.
In the end, she felt she was a nostalgic person, always unsure of the next step.
Today was Lin Yi’s shift, and because of budget issues in the guest room department, Shen Xifan left very late. In the entire administrative building, only the office of the public relations department and the first-floor secretary’s office were still lit. She smiled and prepared to say hello and leave.
Moonlight, reflecting off the snow, shone on the corridor, beautiful yet emitting an infinite desolation, chilling to the bone. Her hand couldn’t help but reach out, her palm appearing translucent.
Suddenly, the phone rang loudly, and she hastily withdrew her hand, picking up the phone, but there was no response on the other end. She had to ask, “May I ask, who is this?”
He softly called her, “Xiaofan… I miss you…” His voice, calm, seemed to traverse the long corridor, with a hint of distant bewilderment.
Three years ago, he had said those same words to her.
It was their first time holding hands, a cold winter wind blowing, they walked hand in hand around the playground, round, and round, until the lights were turned off, and he finally escorted her back. Reluctant to let go, he held her hand tightly, until she managed to break free.
But before she could even return to her dormitory, his call came, “Xiaofan… I miss you…”
That night, she stayed awake all night, feeling his lingering warmth in her palms. Lying in the darkness, she savored the words “Xiaofan, I miss you,” with a heart full of joy, secretly burying her face in the blanket and chuckling softly.
Back then, that was how he started every phone call.
However, she was unusually calm now. She told herself that what was meant to happen would inevitably happen. Following the sound of his voice, she turned around, closed her phone, and furrowed her brow slightly. “Is there something you need?”
He looked thinner, worn-out, covered in dust, his tie undone, tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. Yet, his expression remained confident, as if everything was under control.
In the past, seeing him like this would have made her proud, but now, looking at her with that expression, she felt a mix of sadness and anger. He had hurt her so deeply, so why did he still consider her his due, just like that naive girl from years ago?
Yan Heng walked briskly towards her, his breath slightly uneven. He spoke softly, “I miss you. That night when we parted ways, and then I went to the United States, I found myself missing you a lot there. Your figure haunted my nights, so I had to come back and tell you, I miss you.”
Her heart surged like a raging sea, yet she maintained a façade of calmness on her face. “Is that all you wanted to say?”
“No!” Yan Heng’s voice was firm as he took a step forward, cautiously attempting to embrace Shen Xifan. But she instinctively dodged, narrowly avoiding his grasp.
However, he persisted, firmly gripping her arms and pressing his chin against her head. Shen Xifan struggled but to no avail. Eventually, exhausted, she looked into the distance, the dark corridor seemingly endless.
After a long silence, he whispered to her, “I’m sorry, Xiaofan, I’m sorry for what happened three years ago. Would you come back now?”
She had waited three years for those words, and finally, they came.
However, the joy she expected didn’t come. Instead, she wanted to cry, to cry loudly and release all the grievances, frustrations, and resentments of the past three years. She hated him for treating her so cruelly.
How could he now say “I’m sorry” to her? How could he speak up? What exactly did he want to do to let her go?
Then she suddenly understood: one missed moment could mean missing out on eternity.
Feeling Shen Xifan’s body stiffen abnormally, Yan Heng couldn’t help but loosen his grip on her arms, wanting to see what was wrong. Unexpectedly, she broke free with all her strength, running away without looking back.
A tear stain was left on his suit.
He intended to chase after her, but a cold voice came from behind, “She won’t see you. Please leave.”
Lin Yi stood under the orange light, hands in his pockets, leaning against the door, a hint of a disdainful smile on his lips, his expression surprisingly gentle. “Go back. She needs time to think.”
He suppressed the sharpness in his demeanor, walking towards the stairs. Lin Yi faced him as he approached, wearing a mysterious smile.
He looked back again, but there was no trace of him, only Lin Yi passing by him, accompanied by the echoing words, “She’s my junior sister. How can you make her cry?” resonating in the empty corridor for a long time.
Outside the window, the pale moon looked down coldly on the world, amid an unfathomable cycle, sighing silently.
“Don’t cry, junior sister…”
Shen Xifan looked up, unable to adjust her eyes to the sudden brightness, feeling dizzy for a moment. After steadying herself, she looked at Lin Yi, wanting to speak but struggling to find the words.
“He won’t come back. I just told him to leave.” Seeing her clearly, Lin Yi was surprised. “So you didn’t cry, huh? You had me worried for nothing.”
Shen Xifan managed a faint smile. “How could I cry for someone like him? I just didn’t want to face him.”
Lin Yi could only smile, reaching out to tidy up her scattered hair. Shen Xifan sighed helplessly. “Senior brother, you seem free, but unfortunately, I don’t have time to keep you company. I need to go home for dinner.”
As she reached the door, she suddenly remembered something and asked tentatively, “Senior brother, do you know about… him and me?”
Lin Yishen, sitting at the table, didn’t look at her, just gazed out the window absentmindedly, his tone ethereal, each word striking her heart, “You’re my junior sister… How could I not know?”
Tonight, Shen Xifan felt like she had run into bad luck.
Leaving the hotel, she didn’t feel like going home. She wandered on the streets. There was still some snow piled up on the roadside, but it had turned grey, no longer pure white.
She remembered the night when He Suye escorted her home. The snow was heavy and beautiful, coming down in sheets. He Suye held an umbrella for her, but she liked to play in the snow, refusing to let him hold the umbrella. The snow that night was crystal clear and pristine.
She sang amid the snowfall, “Sometimes, I believe that everything has an end. Meetings and partings, they all have their time. Nothing lasts forever, but sometimes, I would rather choose to linger…”
He Suye looked at her with a gentle smile and then told her about the medicinal properties of red beans. She laughed at his professional jargon, calling him old-fashioned. He teased her for pretending to be mature, and they ended up playing in the snow together, forgetting the umbrella.
Was love like snow, once tainted, never as pure again?
After walking for a long time, she felt tired. She wanted to take the bus back, but she realized she had forgotten her wallet.
With a bitter smile, she didn’t want to call home and invite a scolding for no reason. So she dialed He Suye’s number, hesitated for a moment when it connected, and then firmly asked, “He Suye, can I skip Li Jie’s treat?”
Perhaps he wasn’t at home; there was some noise around him. But his voice came through clearly, “Little sister, what mischief are you up to now?”
Shen Xifan smiled helplessly. “I’m thinking, can Dr. He show some mercy to me? You see, I forgot my wallet and can’t go home for now…”
He Suye came, coincidentally, he stayed at the school, close to where she was. She saw him get off the bus, carrying a shoulder bag, his windbreaker buttons still undone, his hair blown by the wind. Then he stood in front of her and said softly, “Let’s go.”
Just those two words made Shen Xifan want to cry.
She had always pretended to be strong. Even though she hated Yan Heng so much, she still concealed it carefully in front of him, unwilling to show any weakness. Even if she felt wronged, she didn’t want to cry in front of others.
But these two words of warmth made her emotions accumulate, desperately sought a way to vent.
A big bowl of Lanzhou noodles, filled with broth and fragrant beef, the hustle and bustle of people coming and going, the owner occasionally chatting with customers, mostly teasing. The steam rose, making Shen Xifan’s eyes red.
She ate voraciously, afraid to stop, fearing that if she did, tears would uncontrollably flow. This man opposite her, even in this humble little eatery on the street, still exuded warmth.
He smiled as he ordered a big bowl of noodles for himself, then silently watched her pick out the beef, quietly transferring the beef from his bowl to hers. Always picking up the chopsticks after her, but finishing first, and then asking if she wanted anything else.
Feeling overwhelmed, she longed for clarity. She sought solace in tears, hoping to release pent-up emotions and gain insight into her feelings.
Passing by the supermarket in the neighborhood, she borrowed some money and came out with a pack of peppermint candies. He Suye looked astonished, “This brand is spicy!”
Shen Xifan glared at him indignantly, tore open the packaging with a “whoosh,” and retorted, “What are you looking at? Do you want some too?”
He Suye shook his head, “It’s too stimulating, I can’t handle it.” Then he turned away, ready to go home.
Then, she popped a handful of peppermint candies into her mouth. A burst of peppermint flavor surged to her brain, the spiciness and the mintiness stimulating her tear glands. She lowered her head, tears dripping, falling to the ground, but without sadness.
All the grievances, pains, and hatred couldn’t withstand these scattered moments of warmth. Just a little bit of warmth was enough to satisfy her.
He Suye seemed to sense something, stopped in his tracks, and looked at Shen Xifan. He found her crouched down, burying her head in her clothes, vigorously rubbing it to wipe away any trace of tears.
“Little sister, what’s wrong?” He Suye squatted down in front of her, nervous.
“I got spiced…” Shen Xifan didn’t want to lift her head. Her head was rubbing against her clothes, trying to wipe away the traces of tears.
He Suye sighed, “I told you not to eat so many. It’s like Mentos, very spicy. Although peppermint disperses wind, clears heat, dispels dampness, and detoxifies. It treats external wind-heat, headache, red eyes, sore throat, food stagnation, bloating, oral ulcers, and toothache.”
Finally, Shen Xifan raised her head, her eyes reddened. “He Suye, you’re so annoying… Why do you always stick to your professional jargon…”
He squatted in front of her, took the pack of peppermint candies, and looked around for a trash can, teasing Shen Xifan, “Ah if I didn’t talk so much, would you look up at me?”
“Hey, He Suye, this peppermint is so spicy, it’s choking me. I think I’m going to throw up…”
“Hold on!”
Sitting on a chair in the neighborhood garden, Shen Xifan finally caught her breath, only to be greeted by He Suye’s smile. “Peppermint leaves a lingering fragrance on the lips, but not everyone dares to try it.”
Shen Xifan chuckled, “He Suye, are you saying you don’t dare to try it?”
“Me? No, I just simply don’t like it.”
“So, do you think love is like peppermint?”
“Little sister, love comes in all flavors, sweet, sour, bitter, and spicy. It’s not something that can be summarized. But every relationship leaves its mark, maybe it’s bitterness, maybe it’s a lingering fragrance…”
“If there’s a type of love called ‘lost and regained’…”
“Silly girl, love doesn’t come back once it’s lost. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. If it does come back, it’s not the same taste anymore. When you toss a peppermint candy into your mouth, it starts spicy and stimulating, then the fragrance lingers on your lips, and finally, a hint of sweetness leaves you wanting more. Every taste of love is different. Love that’s been interrupted halfway is like tasting only half of a peppermint candy. It’s not the same as the beginning taste.”
“He Suye, I don’t know…”
“Then take your time to think. Time has a way of helping people understand many things…”
The wind was strong, blowing the snow off the trees, brushing against her face, turning into tiny droplets of water vapor that evaporated and disappeared. Perhaps there would be a second snowfall this year, maybe even a third.
Time would pass, and those confusing feelings, those bewildering people, would give her time to think. She would wait for the second snowfall, then the melting, the third snowfall, and then, spring.
She believed that everything would have an answer, about herself, about Yan Heng, about the pain of first love, about love.