“A true hero dares to face the bleakness of life and confront the flowing blood.”
Her fingers traced over those few photos, and Shen Xifan smiled, sitting on the floor talking to herself, with a box in front of her.
They were all memories of her first love—letters, birthday gifts, photos, photo booth pictures, keychains, matching couple pendants on their phones, stars, and paper cranes folded for him. She had once said that if he ever didn’t want her anymore, she would burn these things. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it, because she always hoped that he would come back.
“All those letters, those vows written on paper, are just a performance.” Promises may seem beautiful, but they don’t always last forever. But having had them is enough.
Finally able to let go, she silently said to Yan Heng, “Even though you caused me pain, the happiness and joy of those years were real. I’ve never regretted loving you. It was the best thing I did when I was young. You taught me how to love someone, and then taught me how to grow.”
“Thank you, that’s why I dare to love someone else.”
At the café by the riverbank, with delicious scoops of ice cream decorated with chocolate and strawberries, Shen Xifan sighed inwardly. After so many years since their breakup, the person across from her still remembered her preferences.
But the atmosphere was somewhat chilly. The usually composed man seemed a bit lost. “Shen Xifan, are you going to study abroad?”
She nodded with a smile. “Yes, I am going to study abroad. Is there something you want to say?”
Yan Heng’s lips curled slightly, exuding a faint bitter taste. “Do you still hate me? Blame me? I just wanted to ask if you could give me a chance. I’m willing to wait however long it takes.”
“I’m sorry,” she said with difficulty. “Between you and me, it’s no longer possible.”
Finally, those words were spoken.
A sense of fatigue and desolation appeared on his face. Shen Xifan looked up, repeating sincerely, “I’m sorry!”
She cursed herself inwardly. Rejecting someone took courage, and she was the least able to speak up. She didn’t want to face it, or rather, she didn’t want to utter those three words “I’m sorry,” because she knew firsthand how much hurt they carried, and she didn’t want to inflict that on someone else.
Lowering her eyelids, she continued to explain, “Actually, I don’t hate you. I used to ask myself whether I hated you more or loved you more. I asked myself for several years. Now I finally understand that without love, there is no hate. Yan Heng, do you know, I used to feel like I was so far away from you, always chasing after your footsteps? I used to feel so insignificant in front of you. But now, I realize that I can look at you calmly. So…”
“No need to go on,” he interrupted, his voice thick with sourness. “I should be the one to apologize. It’s all my fault. Even now, I know I don’t have the right to ask you to come back to me. It’s just that I know my feelings. Three years ago, I regretted deeply in America once, so I wanted to take a chance on myself again. Finally, I overestimated my place in your heart.”
Shen Xifan smiled bitterly. “Let’s not talk about the past.”
He smiled faintly, not knowing where to start. “Alright, let’s not.”
He got up to pay the bill, but when he turned back, Shen Xifan was no longer there, leaving only a piece of paper on the table.
“As the flowers fall in the night, I am about to embark on a journey. I offer you a lamp of my heart, reluctant to part. Farewell, with longing; from now on, memories are better than meetings.”
With trembling eyes, filled with self-mockery and pain from the depths of his heart—reckless in his youth, he had failed her. Looking back now, she was no longer in the same place, nor could he face her.
This was the best ending, but he hoped she would be happy. He had already gone too far, and she couldn’t wait forever. He had known all along, regretting not treasuring her and letting happiness slip through his fingers.
Being the most familiar stranger, from now on, memories were better than meetings.
He had once loved her, and he still loved her now. He never regretted it. It was the best thing, he knew, to have had a girl who loved him deeply by his side, dedicating her most precious youthful years to him.
From this moment on, there was a shadow in his heart, making him quietly reminisce, that even if the night was dark again, he wouldn’t feel lonely.
In the city of May, at the beginning of summer, Shen Xifan walked on the street, enjoying the gently warm sunlight.
She lifted the corners of her mouth, silently murmuring “goodbye,” embracing the gentle breeze. She felt the sunshine was pleasant, melancholy fading away, the last trace of bitterness evaporating, leaving only a faint shadow, buried deep in her heart.
Such a day should be called “Banxia,” half of the summer, with some lingering warmth, yet not restless.
A very tender name.
If He Suye knew, he would tell her, “Banxia is a traditional Chinese medicine, divided into Ginger Banxia, Law Banxia, Banxia Qu, and Zhuli Banxia. It dries dampness, transforms phlegm, reverses counterflow, stops vomiting, and disperses accumulation. There are formulas like Banxia Baizhu Tianma Tang and Banxia Houpo Tang.”
Shen Xifan chuckled at the occupational disease of doctors — but where was he now? It had been a long time since she had seen him.
She wanted to buy some summer clothes and a few more clothes for her parents, considering it the last filial piety she could do as a daughter before leaving.
While picking out shirts for her father in the men’s clothing section, Shen’s mother kept nagging, “Your father likes to wear pure cotton, but every time it needs to be machine washed, it balls up quickly.” Then she picked up a deep blue one, “Your father doesn’t like light colors, he insists on wearing dark ones.”
Shen Xifan secretly chuckled, she planned to buy her father a big red T-shirt from the sports store, to let him feel youthful.
Suddenly, she saw a white shirt, simple in style, but with a high price tag, just like the one He Suye wore at Li Jie’s wedding. That day, he just wore an ordinary white shirt and a suit, because Qiu Tian warned him not to overshadow the groom, but in her eyes, no one outshined him, just a faintly restrained temperament, naturally exquisite, truly captivating her.
Checking her phone, she found no messages or missed calls, she sighed slightly, feeling a subtle sense of loss.
He just said he was going to the mountainous area, without telling her the exact time. She felt a vague unease, unconsciously worrying about him.
Back home, her aunt’s family came to visit, only her young nephew was absent. Her sister-in-law sighed, “He said he felt uncomfortable in his stomach after dinner tonight, felt like vomiting, so I didn’t let him come. I’ll buy some medicine for him on my way back, if it doesn’t improve, we’ll have to go to the emergency room.”
Shen’s mother felt sympathetic, “Vomiting, it’s neither minor nor major. By the way, why not go see a traditional Chinese doctor.” Then she seemed to remember something, “I have many prescriptions at home, I’ll have Fanfan bring them for you to see.”
Shen Xifan was puzzled, “When did I see so many traditional Chinese doctors? It was just one for insomnia and one for fever.”
Shen’s mother explained, “Oh—there’s a stack of prescriptions tucked in that book, someone handed it to you a few days ago, saying it was borrowed from you. I later found many prescriptions tucked inside, thinking they might be yours, so I just casually placed it on the bookshelf for you.”
Shen Xifan widened her eyes in disbelief, “Wait, let me go find it!”
In that book of traditional Chinese medicine, there was a thick stack of prescriptions, carelessly piled among a stack of reference books. If it weren’t for Shen’s mother reminding her, she would have surely overlooked it.
She flipped through them one by one, each carefully marked: “Cold,” “External Fever,” “Cough,” “Stomachache,” “Vomiting,” “Weakness,” “Headache,” with a physician’s signature at the bottom: He Suye.
Only the prescriptions, no other notes, she flipped through all the pages, but there was not a word left behind. She hurriedly ran to the living room and asked Shen’s mother, “When was this book delivered?”
Shen’s mother took the prescription from her, without looking up, “About five days ago, when you went to your grandmother’s house. I forgot to tell you afterward, as one grows old, memory fails — oh, here it is, for treating vomiting and acid reflux.”
Shen Xifan leaned over to look, reading aloud, “Sudden vomiting, accompanied by fever and chills, headache and body pains — Huoxiang Zhengqi San; Vomiting sour and fetid, belching and loss of appetite — Baohe Wan; Vomiting acid and sour, fullness in the chest and hypochondria — Sinisan combined with Banxia Houpo Tang.”
Shen’s mother smirked, “Is this young man a doctor? He doesn’t look like one at all. How do you know such a handsome person? What’s your relationship with him?”
She stuttered, “No, no relationship, just friends.”
After Shen Xifan finished speaking, her heart raced fiercely, almost losing control. She couldn’t stop asking herself, why did he do this, why did he care for her so attentively, quietly, could it be—
A thought flashed through her mind like lightning, this realization made her tremble incessantly, both scared and excited.
Her sister-in-law looked at the prescriptions, “Why don’t I go to the pharmacy in the community and get the medicine first? It might close if we’re late.”
Shen Xifan jumped up suddenly, “I’ll go, I’ll go, I’m familiar with this area, it’s better if I go.”
After another round of excuses, Shen’s father stepped in, “Let Fanfan go, she hasn’t been out much recently, she’s gained weight.”
Walking down the familiar paths, walking home side by side with him, reaching a split in the road at the heart of the community, one turning left, the other right. She never looked back at He Suye’s figure, perhaps because she used to be truly dull, more precisely, blinded by one’s prejudices.
Unknowingly, He Suye entered her life. To her, he was a skilled and compassionate doctor, a friend with whom she could share everything. She felt fortunate to have met such a person in her lifetime but had never considered the relationship between them.
Or perhaps, her feelings towards him — because she was too used to having someone by her side, she always felt everything was taken for granted.
It was only after looking at Banxia that she felt disappointed, the brown spherical object, was nothing like what she had seen before. If it weren’t for the leaf, if it weren’t for the stem, what was this round thing?
Finally, the pharmacist saw her distrustful gaze and explained, “This is Law Banxia, whereas Prepared Banxia is made from the rhizome.”
He Suye had told her before not to judge things by their appearance, Chinese medicine might look unremarkable, but its effects were immense, yet she felt that such a nice name was wasted.
Banxia — it should be like this, blowing a fan and not feeling hot, or cool in the morning and evening, ice cream just released, fruits and vegetables quietly changing seasons, warm, tender, just like how Banxia is defined in traditional Chinese medicine: pungent and warm.
Watching the pharmacist skillfully preparing the medicine, she suppressed a smile, He Suye, how should I describe you?
In the end, she couldn’t help but turn to his apartment downstairs, knowing full well he wasn’t there, yet standing there alone for a long time, foolishly staring.
In the past, the orange light from his window sill would pierce through the thick darkness, casting a warm glow. Every time she came, she would see it as if there was a telepathic connection, she would have a feeling of being awaited.
Turns out, he had been waiting for her for too long.
But now, in the pitch-black darkness, she was suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling called longing. It’s not that she hadn’t experienced lovesickness, or missed someone, but never before had she felt longing so sudden, catching her off guard.
It was like winning a jackpot that hit her head, leaving her dizzy. She couldn’t sleep at night because of excitement, waking up in the middle of the night to make sure the prize hadn’t been taken away.
Shen Xifan smiled foolishly as she carried the bag of Chinese medicine, but her heart was filled with a lingering sadness. Could it be that I’m being too presumptuous? He Suye always seemed fine, and very amiable. What place do I hold in his heart after all?
She couldn’t help but send him a message, just asking when he would be back. But after waiting for a long time, there was still no reply. She set her phone to vibrate and unknowingly fell asleep in a daze.
When she woke up in the morning, her phone was still empty, and so was her heart, instantly feeling desolate.
Burying her head in her arms weakly, she let out a long sigh, the long-lost feeling of longing pouring out uncontrollably, almost overwhelming her.
She went to the temple to burn incense, according to Shen’s mother, it’s called making a vow. Praying for safety before leaving.
Strolling through the courtyard, she savored the magnificent architecture of the temple, admired the exquisite sculptures of the deities, and appreciated the still colorful murals, allowing the ancient music of the temple, which had experienced vicissitudes, to brush over her soul. Devoutly, she even restrained her breath, lightening her footsteps.
The elderly with white hair, holding long joss sticks, were just praying for their children’s safety; the middle-aged women kowtowing were just praying for their children’s success in their studies and their husbands’ good health. She prayed for her parents’ safety and well-being.
And there was He Suye. She prayed for his safe return.
In the end, she couldn’t help but give him a call.
At that moment, Shen Xifan was in the woods behind the temple, where there weren’t many trees, but abundant bamboo, lush and verdant, rustling in the breeze. Many elderly people were meditating, her voice was very light, very low, but it couldn’t hide her joy.
It seemed very lively where He Suye was, she could hear the whistling wind and bustling voices. She couldn’t help but ask curiously, “He Suye, it’s so noisy, what’s going on?”
A clear voice came from the other side, “I’m talking to you with my phone clipped between my ear and shoulder right now. Both my hands are busy with needles. This patient has had arthritis for several years, and recently it’s been damp here, with a strong wind, seems like it’s going to rain heavily.”
Shen Xifan felt embarrassed, “Am I bothering you then? Should I hang up?”
“It’s okay, where are you now?”
“Huatai Temple, there’s a large bamboo forest behind it, the air is very fresh. My mom said to make a vow before leaving for safety. By the way, when are you coming back?”
“Another three days, did you get a protective charm? The protective charms blessed by the abbot here are very effective.”
“I didn’t even know such a thing existed! No, I didn’t.”
“Don’t worry, wait for me to come back, we’ll go together, alright?”
Her heart pounded hard, “Okay, by the way, I messaged you yesterday, why didn’t you reply?”
He Suye sounded surprised, “When was that? I didn’t receive it, the signal here is too poor, I have to move around to get it.”
Shen Xifan smiled, “Come back earlier, I’ll wait for you.” Then she realized how ambiguous that sounded, hastily adding, “I mean… what I meant was, I’ll wait for you to come back to get the protective charm.”
He Suye chuckled, “Got it.”
After hanging up the phone, she leaned against a bamboo tree and laughed softly. Broken bamboo leaves occasionally fell, and the resounding sound of the temple’s bell echoed. She folded her hands together, calming her mind and praying sincerely.
On the way back, she received a call from Lin Yishen, asking her to meet up.
Lin Yishen still looked lively, smiling as he told her, “I’ve resigned.”
A mouthful of tea choked her throat, causing a violent cough. Shen Xifan widened her eyes, utterly incredulous, “You, resigned? Are you kidding me? Senior Brother, you’re not following me so closely, are you!”
Lin Yishen raised an eyebrow, “If that news isn’t shocking enough, then let me tell you another one.”
Shen Xifan nodded, “I promise not to drink tea this time.”
“Well, the other news is that I resigned to study abroad, mainly because I feel like I’ve grown to like you more than just a little, I’m sorry.”
Shen Xifan stood there stunned, then dreamily uttered a few words, “Can I refuse!”
He squinted and smiled, “Of course, we believe in equality and democracy, but unfortunately, I’m also in the same school as you, Johnson Graduate School of Management, Business Administration.”
She smiled, “Anyway, welcome. But, sorry!”
— Because the one I like is someone else.