Spending the Spring Festival in Huan Prefecture was as depressing and dull as Qiao Qingyu had anticipated. Five people crammed into a commercial apartment of less than sixty square meters, with constant friction between the three adults, every corner of the house filled with unpleasantness. However, there was an unexpected turn—since Li Fanghao was preoccupied with Qiao Lilong, she had less time to constantly watch Qiao Qingyu, and surprisingly allowed her to “go to the book city to buy books” with Qiao Jinyu.
During that half-day away from home, Qiao Qingyu borrowed some money from Qiao Jinyu and went on a long walk around Qinghu Lake with Meng Xiaoceng. She treated her to dinner, enjoying the happiness of freedom with the feeling of breaking out of prison. Though she returned home late that day, Li Fanghao didn’t say anything, only urging her to study—her almost indifferent calmness made Qiao Qingyu wonder: was Mother truly unconcerned, or was she suppressing her anger?
During those days of sharing a bed with Li Fanghao, Qiao Qingyu paid close attention and discovered that every night before sleep, her mother would open a bottle and swallow several pills. When taking the medicine, her head would suddenly tilt back, her neck bending decisively as if broken, which frightened Qiao Qingyu.
Due to the oppressive atmosphere at home, Qiao Jinyu often went out wandering. Early on New Year’s Day, when he was about to leave, Qiao Qingyu followed him out. The two walked to the desolate riverside, and looking at the ancient camphor trees in the distance, Qiao Qingyu told Qiao Jinyu about Li Fanghao taking sleeping pills.
“Yes, Mom doesn’t sleep well,” Qiao Jinyu sounded unsurprised.
“I didn’t know about this before.”
“Knowing this won’t help you anyway,” Qiao Jinyu said, “Mom has suffered so much for both of us. I’m already a lost cause so it doesn’t matter if I know, but you don’t need to worry about family matters—just focus on your studies.”
“I want to know what happened to Big Sister.”
“What do you mean what happened…”
“Don’t pretend. I know you and our parents are hiding something from me,” Qiao Qingyu said, “About Big Sister.”
Qiao Jinyu looked toward the river: “I promised Mom and Dad I wouldn’t tell.”
“It’s fine if you don’t tell me,” Qiao Qingyu patted his back, “I’ll figure it out myself.”
“Sis, remember you’re in your final year! There are only about a hundred days until the college entrance exam!”
“Yes,” Qiao Qingyu sighed, “But I don’t like being kept in the dark.”
“I beg you to stop thinking about Big Sister’s matter. It’s all in the past,” Qiao Jinyu wailed, “Think about Mom—if she learns that you’re distracted by this and your grades drop, she’ll go crazy.”
He had touched Qiao Qingyu’s sore spot. After pondering for a while, she asked, “You also feel that Mom is very depressed, right?”
“More than just depressed,” Qiao Jinyu squatted down, “During summer vacation when I was with her in our hometown, after being criticized by our aunt, she almost jumped into the reservoir.”
Remembering what Wang Mumu had written in her letter about how Li Fanghao had nearly jumped from the hospital window when Qiao Baiyu died, Qiao Qingyu shuddered.
“That’s why I go along with her and don’t tell you,” Qiao Jinyu said, turning to look at Qiao Qingyu, “Sis, you should go along with Mom too, don’t upset her.”
“Alright.”
Thinking back to how her mother had remained unmoved when she came home late a few days ago, she vaguely understood that Mom wasn’t being trusted, nor hiding her anger, but rather had been forced to give up, having no energy left to manage her—perhaps, from the day ten years ago when she learned about her elder daughter being bullied by Jin Rui, Mom’s nerves had been taught, especially in recent years, ready to snap at any moment. Her indifference toward Qiao Qingyu was an unconscious self-protection mechanism, merely indicating that she was truly exhausted, rather than showing trust.
“Don’t you feel Mom isn’t as strict with you this time?” Qiao Jinyu asked, “She’s taken a step back, so you should too. Don’t bring up those things to upset her.”
Yes, she wasn’t as strict anymore, but Qiao Qingyu felt deeply uneasy—
Following Qiao Lushen’s wishes, they planned to repair the burned old house after spring to let Qiao Lilong move in as soon as possible. However, this idea was opposed by Qiao Lilong, who said the old house’s location was unlucky, with two women having died unnatural deaths there, making it uninhabitable. During the days the shop was closed, the three adults, along with Qiao Haisheng and Liu Yanfen on the phone, argued back and forth about how to settle Qiao Lilong, and thus Spring Festival passed.
On the seventh day of the New Year, the day before the shop reopened, Qiao Huan came to pay New Year’s respects with her boyfriend. After hearing about this matter, they exchanged glances, and she voluntarily offered to let Qiao Lilong stay at her place.
“We’re in Building 13, also with two rooms, the same size as here,” she looked around at everyone sincerely, her face growing shy, “My boyfriend and I plan to get our marriage certificate the day after tomorrow. After that, we’ll be a family, and one room will be enough for us. The other room would just be empty anyway.”
Li Fanghao and Qiao Lushen both congratulated and declined, but Qiao Huan pulled her boyfriend in to persuade them: “It’s not free accommodation. You just mentioned worrying about affecting Qingqing’s studies. Rather than renting another room nearby, why not come to our place? You can still pay rent as usual.”
Li Fanghao and Qiao Lushen fell silent, seemingly contemplating.
“After Qingqing finishes her college entrance exam, Uncle Qiao can move back. Right now, Qingqing’s exam is the priority, and it’s too crowded here, affecting her studies.”
And so it was decided. Three days later, Qiao Lilong’s belongings disappeared from behind the plywood door, and the partitioned space by the window became Qiao Qingyu’s territory again. Another day passed, school started, and life returned to its normal routine.
On the first day of school, Li Fanghao came to Qiao Qingyu’s partitioned space, looking at her as if they hadn’t seen each other for years, alternately touching her face and the back of her hands, mumbling continuously. She talked about wanting her to study hard and stay pure, then reminisced at length about Qiao Qingyu’s childhood, praising her for being smart, having her own opinions, and being understanding and lovable since she was young. Qiao Qingyu listened quietly, her heart filled with inexplicable sadness at the motherly love overflowing from Li Fanghao’s eyes.
“Mom,” she held Li Fanghao’s hands, “I understand everything, don’t worry.”
Li Fanghao nodded, tears welling up in her eyes: “Yes, look at how well you’ve done in the past half year without my supervision, your grades getting better and better. Teacher Sun praised you today… In the past, ah, I was too controlling. Mom is sorry.”
“Don’t say that, Mom,” anxiety rose in Qiao Qingyu’s heart, “It’s thanks to your strict parenting that I developed good habits.”
“Your teacher said you’ve been getting along better with your classmates over the past half year. Mom knows, Mom made you have no friends, Mom is sorry,” Li Fanghao said tearfully, holding Qiao Qingyu’s head in both hands, “Look at my little daughter, she’s grown up so well, so beautiful, she’s my pride… Your long hair looks good, you’ll be pretty in university, find a good boy…”
“Mom,” Qiao Qingyu suddenly felt panicked and wanted to cry, “I haven’t even taken the college entrance exam yet, let’s talk about university later!”
“Mom had someone read your fortune, you have a good fate, not like Mom, who somehow went wrong somewhere and suffered all her life,” Li Fanghao continued on her own, “Not like your sister either, who lost her life because of Mom. It’s good that Mom had you, seeing you makes Mom feel like life wasn’t lived in vain…”
“Life is long, Mom,” Qiao Qingyu gripped Li Fanghao’s hands tightly, “I’ll take the college entrance exam, go to university, find a job, get married, and have children, Little Yu will also get married and have children, we’ll take care of you together, you’ll enjoy blessings in the latter half of your life…”
Li Fanghao seemed not to hear, just smiling at her through tears, saying nothing.
Qiao Qingyu was completely panicked—
The countdown to the college entrance exam hanging in the corner of the blackboard turned to double digits, tearing away one page each day, the fresh red numbers renewed daily were as eye-catching as fresh blood. Qiao Qingyu’s seat moved to the window by the corridor, in the same row as Ming Sheng, who sat near the back door—he was unwilling to change seats.
When graded test papers were passed back, she would see his scores; when pop quizzes were passed forward, his name was prominently visible. Once during Chinese class, Sun Yinglong wrote the characters for “timely” on the blackboard and asked everyone to write an essay. When the bell rang, Ming Sheng’s composition paper was passed to her, and the four elegant and vigorous characters of the title “Life is but a Moment” stirred up all of Qiao Qingyu’s romance and melancholy.
She heard Ming Sheng stand up, thinking of his bright face, his future as radiant as a sphere of light affecting her; then she thought of Ming Sheng’s grandfather, his deep love for his grandson, his unreserved trust in his son, his rational and unrestrained attitude toward his own life; she thought of Aunt Qin, her tragic life beyond her control; she thought of Qiao Baiyu, whose extremely beautiful life ended abruptly at its most beautiful stage; she also thought of Li Fanghao.
Why think of Mom? Qiao Qingyu anxiously questioned herself. Li Fanghao was fine, alive, she shouldn’t appear in her thoughts.
However, she couldn’t let go of her worry about Li Fanghao. Every night, she tirelessly emphasized to Qiao Lushen to watch Li Fanghao’s sleeping pill dosage, not minding even when Qiao Lushen scolded her for making a fuss; if she didn’t hear Li Fanghao leaving in the morning, she would leap out of bed and pull open the curtains, only feeling relieved after seeing Li Fanghao’s hurrying figure in the streetlight. She felt she was becoming a bit neurotic—sometimes when she came home to see every corner cleaned spotless by Li Fanghao, she would feel deep anxiety—afraid that once Mom cleaned the mortal world completely, she would leave her.
But strangely, except for Qiao Qingyu, no one else in the family felt anything unusual about Li Fanghao, instead saying she was overthinking, that the exam pressure was too much and that she was too nervous.
When she told Qiao Jinyu that Mom had been acting strange since returning, not checking her desk anymore, Qiao Jinyu countered asking if it wasn’t that good, saying Mom trusts you because you’ve performed so well. When she said Mom doesn’t argue with Dad anymore, just doing housework and staying in her room after returning home, Qiao Jinyu said anyone would want to sleep early after working in the shop all day.
“I really think you’re overthinking, Sis,” Qiao Jinyu concluded at the end of their conversation, “Mom hasn’t scolded me in a long time either, even said I’m sensible and know how to be considerate of family. I think it’s great! We’re both very obedient, Mom’s like other mothers, she likes seeing her children doing well, why do you always think she’s so unreasonable?”
“Don’t you feel she has no enthusiasm for life?” Qiao Qingyu asked, “Like she’s given up on herself?”
“She’s getting on in years, both her children are almost adults, what do you want her to do?” Qiao Jinyu retorted, as if Qiao Qingyu was being unreasonable, “Save the world and be a hero? Strive to become the world’s richest person?”
It wasn’t about striving or not striving, but rather that this Li Fanghao with lifeless eyes and floating voice completely lacked the fearlessness and tenacity she had when facing difficulties and moving the entire family from Shun Yun to Huan Prefecture. In Qiao Qingyu’s view, the current Li Fanghao was just a shell whose soul had been drained by life.
Twice she deliberately came home late to draw Li Fanghao’s attention, but both times Li Fanghao was tied up with Qiao Lilong, either washing his clothes and tidying his room or being sent to the supermarket to buy snacks. When Qiao Qingyu deliberately mentioned the reasons for her late return at night, the only response she got was Li Fanghao’s contented smile and deep yawn.
When at her wit’s end, Qiao Qingyu thinks, maybe she should just date during high school, give Li Fanghao’s heart a strong revival, and make her come alive.
But such a shock would be too cruel for Li Fanghao, too irresponsible for herself facing the college entrance exam, and besides—
Too unfair to Ming Sheng.
Yes, there was still Ming Sheng, thankfully there was Ming Sheng. Thinking of him, any bitterness could be dissolved. In her day after day of unsolvable anxiety, he was like that spring breeze making March transparent and refreshing—
One day in late March, after lunch, Qiao Qingyu suggested going to see the winter jasmine behind the library wall, and Guan Lan and Deng Meixi gladly agreed. The three looked up at the sky beside the pale yellow flower clusters, taking several bright selfies together in the sunlight. When returning to the classroom past the library entrance, Qiao Qingyu had a thought and said she wanted to find a magazine, leaving Guan Lan and the others.
Quickly walking into the reading room, she swiftly found “Sprout” magazine on the rack, opened the contents page, and saw her name there.
They had selected her preliminary contest work “I Love You Too,” which made her very happy. Walking back to the classroom, she pondered whether to buy a copy as a memento, otherwise, she might not be able to buy it after the college entrance exam. Then, she dismissed this idea—the finalist list was at the back of the magazine with her name on it, it wouldn’t be good if Li Fanghao discovered it.
Qiao Qingyu entered the classroom through the back door, just passing Ming Sheng’s back of the head when she stopped.
Someone was already sitting in her seat, with a thin figure and disheveled hair.
It was Li Fanghao.