No wonder the classroom was so quiet. Noticing Qiao Qingyu’s return, many students turned around, looking back and forth between her and Li Fanghao, their expressions complex. Qiao Qingyu had seen such looks before—they were looking at Li Fanghao as if she were a madwoman. She didn’t blame them; her mother indeed was a madwoman.
She stared at the back of Li Fanghao’s head, took a deep breath, and continued forward, but her advancing leg was blocked by something. Looking down, it was Ming Sheng’s arm.
He turned around, most of his body facing her, shaking his head with an unusually serious expression, as if saying “Don’t go.”
Qiao Qingyu put down her raised foot, looking at Ming Sheng nervously and intently, trying to discover more information from his eyes. Just then—
“Qingqing!”
Ming Sheng’s hand retracted as if electrocuted, and simultaneously, Qiao Qingyu saw Li Fanghao spring up and charge toward them menacingly.
“What were you just doing?!”
As she walked, she pointed at Ming Sheng with a red booklet in her hand. Looking carefully for two seconds, Qiao Qingyu realized that the red booklet was her New Concept first prize certificate.
“What were you just doing to my daughter?!”
Her voice thundered, and everyone in the classroom held their breath.
“Nothing.” Ming Sheng straightened his sitting posture and casually opened a book, his voice neither servile nor overbearing.
“Don’t think I’m afraid just because your family has money and connections,” Li Fanghao reached the last row, passing Chen Shen, using the red certificate to bang Ming Sheng’s desk with loud smacks. “You still have designs on my daughter, don’t you?!”
The air grew terrifyingly still.
“Yes.”
“I warned you before if you bully her…”
“I have no intention of bullying her.”
“Then what did you mean by touching her just now?! You…”
“Mom!” Qiao Qingyu hurriedly went over to grab Li Fanghao’s continuously waving hand, “Mom! You’ve misunderstood!”
“Didn’t you hear him admit he has bad intentions toward you?! Are you stupid?! “
“I…”
“Are all the daughters I gave birth to stupid?! Huh?! All so easily fooled?! Do you know how your sister…”
“Mom!” Qiao Qingyu desperately shouted to interrupt Li Fanghao, “This is the classroom! If you want to scold me, I’ll go home with you!”
“Heh, classroom,” Li Fanghao stepped back as if unsteady, looking around, suddenly throwing the certificate in her hand forcefully at Qiao Qingyu, hitting her chest painfully: “Afraid of losing face? Weren’t you afraid of losing face when you spread our family matters? Secretly going to Shanghai for the competition, you conspired with your father, your teachers, and your classmates to deceive me!”
So it was about this—she probably discovered the “evidence” at Qiao Huan’s home.
“The whole world is against me! My most trusted younger daughter is the best at deceiving me! All of you deceiving me!” Li Fanghao continued raging, her hands trembling as she pulled out a transparent trophy from her shoulder bag, stepped forward, and violently swung it down at Qiao Qingyu.
But there was no pain—Ming Sheng had stood up and blocked it in front of her.
Over Ming Sheng’s shoulder, she saw Li Fanghao step back in surprise, then immediately adopt an even more vicious expression, rushing forward to strike a second time. Qiao Qingyu used all her strength to push Ming Sheng away, herself falling down with a crash, almost kneeling as she moved under Li Fanghao, tightly hugging her legs: “Mom! If you hit me again I’ll jump from the corridor! Then you’ll have no daughters left!!”
Li Fanghao’s hand froze in the air, and just then, Sun Yinglong, who had hurried over, appeared at the classroom’s back door.
Suddenly Li Fanghao burst into loud sobs.
“Mom,” Qiao Qingyu stood up and hugged the trembling Li Fanghao, “Mom, don’t worry, I won’t…”
She supported the unsteady Li Fanghao, struggling to help her out of the classroom under Sun Yinglong’s concerned gaze. Standing in the corridor, seeing classmates continuously looking back, Sun Yinglong gestured for Qiao Qingyu to help Li Fanghao to the staircase corner away from everyone’s eyes. So she tightly gripped Li Fanghao’s limp arms and walked toward the stairs. Just as they descended two steps, Ming Sheng’s voice came from the back door.
“Whoever I find spreading or joking about this incident,” his tone was steady, like a naturally imposing male lion, “I’ll make them die.”
The ruthlessness and coldness in that last sentence were fearsome, very much like the characters for “terrifying” in the “consequences will be terrifying” note once posted under the ancient camphor tree—
The next day when Qiao Qingyu returned to school, she was relieved to find everything normal in the classroom, as if everyone had collectively lost their memory. During lunch, Guan Lan told countless jokes, and regardless of how poor they were, Deng Meixi played along enthusiastically, making Qiao Qingyu grateful and touched. After lunch, Guan Lan suggested going to see the winter jasmine again, saying she brought her camera today, but Qiao Qingyu shook her head.
“I want to go talk with Teacher Le Fan,” she looked at the two showing concern in their eyes, saying honestly, “Ask about my mother’s condition, and see what I can do.”
Just like last time, Le Fan opened the door with a warm smile. Similarly, she poured Qiao Qingyu a cup of warm water, sat on the single sofa diagonally across from Qiao Qingyu, and like making small talk, reminisced about the last time Qiao Qingyu came with Wang Mumu.
“I’ve read your articles, all of them, whether from the New Concept competition, anonymous submissions to the school paper, or last year’s plea for justice for your sister,” Le Fan smiled slightly, her words full of appreciation and encouragement, “You’re an insightful child.”
“My mom doesn’t like me writing these things.” Qiao Qingyu responded to Le Fan somewhat dejectedly, using this to open up the conversation.
She said a lot, very much. Nan Qiao Village, Shun Yun, Chaoyang New Village; Qiao Baiyu, Aunt Qin, Li Fanghao; AIDS, sleeping pills. She recalled Li Fanghao’s gentleness when she was young, the extreme control after Qiao Baiyu’s death, and the changes after returning from being away for half a year. She also spoke about her hesitant thoughts about Qiao Jinyu, and how even the most frantic Li Fanghao would return to reason whenever she mentioned jumping. Finally, she asked Le Fan if she should take Li Fanghao to see a psychiatrist.
Le Fan nodded: “Yes. Your mother likely has severe depression, and has shown suicidal tendencies, the earlier she receives treatment the better. Psychological counseling might not be enough, medication may be needed.”
Qiao Qingyu covered her eyes with both hands, tears flowing through her fingers: “Why didn’t I realize earlier…”
“You’ve already done exceptionally well,” Le Fan sat beside her, her warm hand touching her shoulder, “Child, under such great pressure, you’ve not only taken good care of yourself but also can help family members, that’s wonderful.”
Qiao Qingyu broke into audible sobs. After a while, she stopped sniffling and hesitantly asked Le Fan if people who seemed carefree could also be depressed.
“Of course, everyone hides their true emotions,” Le Fan nodded, “Not showing negative emotions doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”
Qiao Qingyu stared blankly at a potted plant illuminated by sunlight in the distance. After a while, she softly broke the silence: “Teacher Le Fan, I feel my sister died by suicide.”
Le Fan made an “oh” sound, seeming not at all surprised.
“In my memory, she was very unrestrained in middle school, completely different from elementary school,” Qiao Qingyu said, “How can a person change so suddenly? Thinking about it now, she was self-destructive, she had given up on herself.”
“Your sister experienced such things just as she was entering puberty,” Le Fan sighed softly, “She was still a child then. In a child’s world, adults are like heaven—if adults say she’s wrong, she’s dirty, she’ll believe she’s fallen, and become dirty. This makes her doubt herself, fundamentally deny her own value of existence.”
“Last year when you exposed your family matters, causing quite a stir, I feel the social commentary also caused you much suffering,” Le Fan continued, “But you should believe that family trauma is like a physical wound—uncovering it brings pain, but that’s the first step toward healing. Ignoring it won’t help.”
Thinking of Li Fanghao, Qiao Qingyu’s heart darkened: “Sister can never come back, I feel Mom can never return to how she was before either.”
“Often, the purpose of treatment isn’t to make people forget pain, but to teach people how to live with pain,” Le Fan said gently, “Not to become slaves to pain.”
“Before, thinking of my sister made me angry, now thinking of her makes me sad,” Qiao Qingyu lowered her eyes gloomily, “I feel this sadness will follow me for life.”
“Do you want to get rid of this sadness?”
“No,” Qiao Qingyu shook her head firmly, “Only forgetting her would get rid of it, and I don’t want to forget her.”
Le Fan smiled slightly, her loving gaze full of encouragement and comfort: “Life is long, you only need to follow your heart, the rest, leave it to time.”
After leaving the counseling room, Qiao Qingyu didn’t return directly to the teaching building but turned into the wisteria passage beside the administration building. Only a few scattered clusters of wisteria flowers had bloomed overhead, embedded in the river-like green leaves, possessing a kind of drifting, lonely beauty. Early blooming means early withering—Qiao Qingyu looked up at them, letting gentle melancholy flow through her heart, while her peripheral vision caught a tall, thin figure slowly walking toward her.
Suddenly she wanted to flee, but her feet felt like they were filled with lead, unable to move.
Walking to her front, Ming Sheng sat down on the long bench at the side of the passage.
Qiao Qingyu withdrew her gaze, giving him a hurried glance: “Why are you here?”
“I’ve been waiting for you downstairs.”
Being alone with Ming Sheng already made Qiao Qingyu uncomfortable, and with yesterday’s scene of Li Fanghao berating him in the classroom still vivid in her mind, Qiao Qingyu felt even more at a loss.
“When my mom hit you with the trophy, did it hurt?”
“Going to say sorry again?” Ming Sheng smiled, “That trophy of yours is quite hard.”
Qiao Qingyu was full of apology: “It hurt a lot, didn’t it?”
“It didn’t hurt.”
“You’re lying.”
“Didn’t hurt.”
“Where did it hit?”
As soon as the words left her mouth, Qiao Qingyu became nervous. Her gaze moved over as Ming Sheng stood up, stepped closer, and lightly tapped his left chest with two fingers: “Here.”
Qiao Qingyu’s ears reddened: “I’m sorry.”
“Told you not to say that.”
For a moment, both were silent. In the unbearable silence, Qiao Qingyu stepped toward the teaching building, Ming Sheng following closely behind, maintaining a one-step distance—this was the first time they walked together like this on campus. After passing the assembly square, Qiao Qingyu couldn’t stand the curious or excited gazes falling on her and started running when passing through the first and second-year teaching buildings.
Fortunately, Ming Sheng didn’t follow.
But after entering the third-year teaching building, Qiao Qingyu stopped at the staircase corner.
Half a minute later Ming Sheng appeared, as if to get revenge, he walked past her calmly, without stopping.
“Hey!” Qiao Qingyu had to call out.
“What—” Ming Sheng deliberately dragged out his tone from above the stairs, turning around lazily to look down at her, his mouth holding back a smile.
“Can you give me Dr. Lin’s phone number?”
The teasing smile disappeared, and Ming Sheng’s expression turned serious.
“I want to persuade my mom to see her.”
Ming Sheng didn’t immediately nod, but walked down with a grave expression, making Qiao Qingyu inexplicably anxious. Reaching her front, Ming Sheng stopped: “Of course.”
“But I want to take you there first, would you be willing?” he asked, somewhat carefully.
“You think I should see a psychiatrist too?”
“No,” Ming Sheng shook his head in denial, his voice unusually gentle, “It’s because your sister once went to Dr. Lin.”
Qiao Qingyu raised her eyes in surprise.
“I asked,” Ming Sheng looked at Qiao Qingyu, his eyes full of tenderness, “That consultation was recorded.”—
The day they went to Dr. Lin’s office was Sunday, the day before the Qing Ming Festival. That day Qiao Lilong insisted on returning to Nan Qiao Village, saying he needed to sweep the graves the next day for Qing Ming, so they had no choice but to let Qiao Jinyu accompany him.
Qiao Huan also had to return to her hometown for two days during Qing Ming, suddenly leaving only the couple Qiao Lushen and Li Fanghao in the shop again. Before leaving, Qiao Qingyu made an excuse about going to the library. Li Fanghao’s gaze was deep, as if seeing through her, but said nothing.
“Go ahead,” Qiao Lushen decided, “come back early.”
Dr. Lin’s office was called Heart’s Voice Cottage, located in a low-rise office building by Qing Lake. Before going, Qiao Qingyu specifically researched online and learned that Dr. Lin was Ming Sheng’s father Wen Qiuxin’s high school classmate and longtime friend, who not only founded Heart’s Voice Cottage but had also written many books and was renowned in the field. On the way, Qiao Qingyu felt nervous, but upon seeing Ming Sheng’s smiling face at the office building, she suddenly became calm.
“How did you know my sister came here?” she asked Ming Sheng after entering the building.
“I know far more than you imagine.”
After entering the elevator, he added: “How could I stand by idly about things you care so much about?”
“You’re willing to talk to your dad now?”
“I’ve been talking to him for a while.”
Ming Sheng gave Qiao Qingyu a reproachful look, with a helpless “what else could I do” expression: “Last year, didn’t I call Sister Mumu, wanting you to come to find Dr. Lin yourself?”
“Oh,” Qiao Qingyu suddenly realized, “I thought you felt I had psychological problems, so…”
Ming Sheng smiled slightly: “That was just an excuse I gave Sister Mumu. If you had called Dr. Lin then, you could have learned the truth about your sister earlier… but you didn’t call.”
“Mm,” Qiao Qingyu, deeply moved, explained softly, “I don’t need any psychological counseling.”
“You’re an uncompromising warrior, I truly admire that,” Ming Sheng’s bright eyes looked at her, “but psychological counseling isn’t something shameful. Of course, I also think you don’t need it, Sister Mumu needs it more…”
The elevator door opened, and he stood sideways, raising his arm to block the door, letting Qiao Qingyu walk out first, then following.
“Um,” he suddenly seemed a bit flustered, “um, between Sister Mumu and me, there’s nothing, please don’t misunderstand… Her father was hospitalized last year, I visited three times, just that, well, our family did help them, but…”
Ming Sheng’s somewhat incoherent urgency made Qiao Qingyu smile contentedly: “It’s okay, I don’t misunderstand.”
“Then why did you deliberately write ‘Hearing It a Hundred Times’ last year to tease me?”
Perhaps because Qiao Qingyu was too quick to accept, Ming Sheng seemed somewhat dissatisfied.
“You could tell I wrote that?”
“I’ve read your writing so many times,” Ming Sheng’s tone held both pride and grievance, “You thought anonymity would settle it?”
“That article was just a product of my emotions at the time,” Qiao Qingyu stopped walking and explained seriously, “I’m a very rational person.”
“What emotions?”
For some reason, Qiao Qingyu’s face suddenly burned, and she didn’t want to answer this question, so she pretended not to hear and continued walking.
“What emotions?” Ming Sheng pursued.
“I forgot.”
“Jealousy?”
This was unbearable. Even more unbearable was that upon hearing these two embarrassing words, she didn’t dare glare at him at all. Fortunately, seconds later they were standing outside the glass door of “Heart’s Voice Cottage.”
Ming Sheng stepped forward, his chest brushing against Qiao Qingyu’s shoulder as he pushed open the heavy glass door.
“A’Sheng,” Qiao Qingyu turned to look at him, “thank you for bringing me here.”
“Stop saying such formal things,” he responded tenderly, “just remember to find me when you need to cry.”—
Dr. Lin was gentle and didn’t say much. After Ming Sheng’s brief introduction, she took Qiao Qingyu to a reception room, inserted a CD into the computer, pressed play, and left Qiao Qingyu alone there.
Qiao Qingyu had expected she would cry while listening to the recording but hadn’t expected tears to well up as soon as Qiao Baiyu began speaking.
“Hello, doctor, I’m Qiao Baiyu.”
So polite, so careful. She felt as if she were sitting opposite Qiao Baiyu, traversing time.
“I’ve been very troubled lately, always thinking about death, especially at night. As soon as it gets dark, I become very scared… I’m afraid to sleep, because once I fall asleep I dream, dream about things from when I was young… I’m running on the mountain, so happy, my brother catches me, says he loves me, hugs and kisses me, puts me on the grass, unties my skirt…”
“I feel like I’m being torn apart, that feeling of pain, I still remember it… I loved him too, and I still love him even now… but I know we’re impossible, it goes against ethics and morality… I might already be dead, after loving him, after killing our seed, I died, right? The current me isn’t me anymore, how could this dirty body be me? So he won’t even look at me now…”
“I always feel I should have died earlier… These years, I’ve been disobedient, my father, mother, brother, and sister have all been looked down upon… They’re all very good to me, don’t scold me or curse me, my parents save all the good things for me, but I’m still not satisfied… Why am I never satisfied? I’m too greedy… I’m a filthy person, better to die, that way father and mother will have it easier, and sister won’t have to wear my old clothes every day, I really should die…”
No, sister.
“I feel living to twenty is enough,” Qiao Baiyu’s voice was hoarse in the player, “but my mom read my diary, and discovered what I wrote, she’s very worried and says I have psychological problems. So I came to see a doctor, to keep her from worrying.”
Then, Dr. Lin’s voice came through, and under her guidance, Qiao Baiyu detailed her past life. Many times, Qiao Qingyu heard her mention herself, saying “adorable sister,” “sister is so understanding,” and when wrongly accusing Qiao Qingyu of receiving roses, Qiao Baiyu’s voice was very ashamed: “I hope sister doesn’t blame me, I just didn’t want to see mom’s worried face, seeing her worry about me makes me very angry, I don’t know why.”
I don’t blame you, Qiao Qingyu whispered, Qiao Baiyu’s face appearing before her eyes, bright and flawless, transforming into white wings in her increasingly blurry, tearful vision, suddenly sliding away with her tears, disappearing—
After the player went silent, Qiao Qingyu sat for a long while, until Dr. Lin brought Ming Sheng in through the door.
She talked with Qiao Qingyu for a while, then took the CD away, leaving the two of them. Perhaps because her expression was off, Ming Sheng opened his mouth, then seemed afraid to disturb her and hesitated. Seeing him standing there, unusually showing awkwardness in both hands and feet, Qiao Qingyu smiled gently.
“I’ve already cried.”
“I can see that.”
Qiao Qingyu stood up: “Let’s go.”
Along the way, Ming Sheng followed behind her without speaking. Walking out of the office building, Qiao Qingyu looked at the sunset at the end of the road, then turned to ask Ming Sheng if he knew exactly how Qiao Baiyu had passed away.
“Well,” Ming Sheng hesitated, “your family hasn’t told you?”
“Suicide, right?”
The sunset dyed Ming Sheng’s eyes deep gold, and he slowly nodded.
“What method?”
“Do you need to know so clearly?”
“Yes.”
Ming Sheng’s chest heaved as he exhaled deeply: “Paraquat.”
“Pesticide?”
“Yes, reportedly brought from her hometown, kept with her all along.”
Paraquat, what a devastatingly cruel name, a chill flashed through Qiao Qingyu’s heart.
“First she went to Wei’ai Hospital for acute appendicitis surgery, by the time your parents arrived the surgery was already done, for some reason that day your sister insisted on getting an HIV test, and it came back positive, that night while your parents were away, she drank paraquat,” Ming Sheng spoke while observing Qiao Qingyu’s expression, “By the time Wei’ai’s care worker discovered her, she was almost gone, they pumped her stomach at Wei’ai first, then transferred her to Provincial First, she lingered in ICU for half a month before passing.”
The word “lingered” struck Qiao Qingyu.
“Was she in pain when she passed?”
Ming Sheng looked at her, his eyes gentle and profound: “I heard from my father that your sister remained conscious, and insisted on leaving, but your parents wouldn’t agree, had the hospital spare no effort to save her…”
“Even if saved, there would be aftereffects, right?”
Ming Sheng looked deep into Qiao Qingyu’s eyes: “Half a bottle of paraquat… even with all efforts, she couldn’t be saved.”
“My sister must have died in extreme pain.”
Now it was Ming Sheng’s turn to fall silent.
“I think your grandfather was very wise and very fortunate,” Qiao Qingyu turned to look at Ming Sheng, “He wanted to leave this world with dignity, and he achieved that. How many people in the world have no control over their life and death.”
After speaking, she turned to look at the sunset.
“Qiao Qingyu,” Ming Sheng’s voice indicated he had moved closer, “are you okay?”
“I’m okay.” Qiao Qingyu faced the sunset, closing her eyes briefly to hide her tears, then turned back with a faint smile, “Thank you.”
“You can bring your mother anytime.”
“Mm, I was just thinking,” Qiao Qingyu looked back at the sunset, “These two days while my grandfather isn’t here, it might be better to send my mom to the hospital for treatment.”
“Treatment?”
“The Ninth Hospital, I’m not sure either, but I can’t think of a more suitable place,” Qiao Qingyu turned back again, “Home is too heavy for my mom… She needs a quiet environment away from family troubles.”
Ming Sheng nodded as if understanding yet not quite understanding but convinced, while looking at her somewhat incredulously: “You’re saying you want to send your mom in these two days?”
“Yes, tomorrow is Qing Ming, and the shop is closed, it’s just the right opportunity,” Qiao Qingyu took a deep breath, “The day after tomorrow, my grandfather returns, things will be difficult then… I hope it can succeed.”
“Qiao Qingyu,” Ming Sheng’s voice carried amazement, “I have three words to say to you.”
Three words? Qiao Qingyu’s ears burned, and her heart quickly rose to her throat.
“True hero.”
She laughed in surprise, gracefully responding to the golden tenderness in Ming Sheng’s eyes under the sunset: “You too.”