Because they were going to visit Qiao Baiyu at An Ling Cemetery the next day for the Qing Ming Festival, that evening, Qiao Lushen posted a sign reading “Family Matter, Closed for One Day” on the noodle shop’s rolling metal door and closed early.
The couple went to buy incense, spirit money, and other ceremonial items near the hospital, and brought back an elegant bundle of yellow and white chrysanthemums—the bouquet was large and beautifully wrapped, looking expensive.
That day after returning home, Li Fanghao showered early, and after organizing the items needed for tomorrow’s grave visit, went into her room. Hearing the door close, Qiao Qingyu walked out of her partitioned space to see Qiao Lushen sprawled on the sofa, having just pressed the TV remote.
“Qingqing, go take a shower.”
“Dad,” Qiao Qingyu walked over and sat on the sofa, “why did you buy such a large bouquet today?”
Qiao Lushen stared blankly at the TV: “Oh, your mom wanted to buy it.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why, she wanted to buy it so we bought it,” Qiao Lushen gave Qiao Qingyu a reproachful look, putting down the remote, “Qingqing, let me ask you something.”
Qiao Qingyu couldn’t help but sit up straight.
“About that classmate of yours, the one whose father is the director of Provincial First Hospital, that male classmate,” Qiao Lushen said thoughtfully, “is there nothing between you?”
“There’s nothing.”
“Really?” Qiao Lushen frowned, “Your mom says this is what worries her most, she says that boy is difficult to deal with, afraid he’ll deceive you… I tried to convince her our Qingqing has a clear mind, even if you’ve had some contact with him, it’s probably because his father is at Provincial First, wanting to learn about Xiaobai’s situation from him… isn’t that right?”
“Yes,” Qiao Qingyu nodded, “that’s right.”
Qiao Lushen sighed in relief: “You ah, hey.”
“I know everything about sister now,” Qiao Qingyu paused, adding two words, “all of it.”
“Mm.”
“It must have been agonizing for Mom and Dad at the hospital before,” Qiao Qingyu said softly, imagining her parents’ helplessness watching Qiao Baiyu’s life rapidly slip away before their eyes, “How sister passed, you didn’t even tell Grandfather and Grandmother?”
“We didn’t dare tell.” Qiao Lushen sighed.
“Sister was at Wei’ai Hospital…” Qiao Qingyu didn’t say the words “drank pesticide,” paused then continued: “Then transferred to Provincial First, right?”
“Ah, we sued Wei’ai, feeling how could their hospital not discover it in time,” Qiao Lushen said, “If earlier, your sister would have had more hope… but thinking back, who could have imagined Xiaobai would… Even saying she died of illness led to gossip, ah… Your mom and I were so desperate at the hospital then, not enough money, and your sister, determined to die… The hospital clearly said they couldn’t save her, told us to take your sister home, your mom went crazy, made a scene at the director’s office, crying desperately begging the hospital to save her…”
As he spoke, Qiao Lushen lowered his head and wiped his face with his hand.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore, Dad,” Qiao Qingyu put her hand on Qiao Lushen’s shoulder, “It’s all in the past, let’s not talk about it.”
“Mm, won’t talk about it, it’s all past, we’ve all moved on now.”
“Dad,” Qiao Qingyu shook her head seriously, “Mom hasn’t moved on.”
Qiao Lushen looked at Qiao Qingyu, tears still glistening in the corners of his eyes.
“I know Mom almost jumped from the building when sister passed away and jumped into the reservoir back home last August,” Qiao Qingyu said very seriously, “This past month and more, the things she’s said… like just now when you said what she worries about most… why is it what she worries about ‘most’? Dad, don’t you think speaking like this is strange?”
Qiao Lushen’s brows furrowed, seeming moved by her words, yet also somewhat guilty.
“She used to say she wanted to die before too…”
“So she did try to die before, it wasn’t a joke,” Qiao Qingyu emphasized while her nose stung, “Dad, let’s help Mom.”
“Who doesn’t want to help, I want her to be happy too,” Qiao Lushen sighed, “The problem is life just goes on like this, how can we help…”
“I’ll help.”
Qiao Lushen smiled bitterly and shook his head: “Just focus on your studies, and do well in the college entrance exam, that will make your mom happy.”
I’m afraid Mom won’t make it to my exam day—Qiao Qingyu thought, but didn’t say it aloud. The luxurious chrysanthemum bouquet in the corner, so out of place in this simple home, seemed to her like some kind of terrible omen. Before sleeping, she reminded Qiao Lushen as usual to check the sleeping pill dosage, but after entering her partitioned space and closing the door, she didn’t get into bed for a long time.
Like noting key points of knowledge, she wrote down on paper the main points she wanted to tell Li Fanghao, rationally analyzing her sister’s tragedy and the family’s suffering, emotionally expressing her care and dependence on her mother, then stepping back to write about the meaning of life, borrowing Teacher Le Fan’s words about healing and pain. She reminded herself to apologize for previous irreparable mistakes, to understand her mother’s predicament, that it was she who had pushed her into the abyss of family relationships. She also reminded herself to make promises, promise not to do things that would worry her mother, whether choosing a university major, or—anything else.
When she put down her pen, the house was completely silent. The paper on the desk was filled with writing, but Qiao Qingyu felt it wasn’t enough.
On second thought, she turned the paper over and wrote down “Tell Mom not to blame herself for sister, not to blame herself for being too strict with me.”
But it still wasn’t enough.
On the contrary, the more Qiao Qingyu thought, the more uncertain she felt—if she said all these well-reasoned words, wouldn’t she be telling Mom that her daughter had everything figured out, no need to worry?
That would be terrible.
Taking a different approach, what if she simply told Mom that if she didn’t go to the hospital for treatment, she would stop studying?
Or use both soft and hard tactics, both kindly persuading and using her studies as leverage, would that work? As long as she could get Mom to agree to rest properly in the hospital, being a little harsh wouldn’t matter, right?
Qiao Qingyu stood up, and fell backward onto the bed, staring at the yellowing ceiling, her heart confused and blocked, finding no way out.
She thought of Li Fanghao’s face, pale, weak, yet always tense. When was the last time she saw Mom smile from her heart? When was the last time she heard Mom’s energetic gentle voice? There were no clear memories.
Qiao Qingyu suddenly felt sad for Li Fanghao—her elder daughter would rather give her diary to a madwoman than to her, her younger daughter kept her thoughts deep inside and never opened her heart. She gave her all to her daughters, yet her daughters closed off their hearts to her. Thinking about it made her feel suffocated and desperate.
Spring breeze moved the curtains, and Qiao Qingyu turned off the light, feeling herself sinking in the gently surging dim light.
Li Fanghao’s words berating her in the classroom echoed in her mind, “My most trusted younger daughter is the best at deceiving me.”
She felt she had suddenly hit bottom. Yes, what Li Fanghao yearned for was intimacy and sincerity.
Qiao Qingyu decided to give herself up, completely, without reservation—
Like last year, fine rain fell on Qing Ming Day. Qiao Qingyu and her family arrived early, the cemetery still looking quiet. Dense raindrops covered Qiao Baiyu’s slightly yellowed photograph, her bright smiling eyes seeming to cry, carrying a beauty of ultimate sorrow. The rain made it difficult to burn the spirit money, extending the memorial time much longer than last year. When leaving, Li Fanghao bent down, carefully wiping the rain from Qiao Baiyu’s face with her sleeve.
“Xiaobai, good daughter, Mom has visited.”
It was still early when they left the cemetery, and Li Fanghao suggested the whole family take a walk by Qing Lake.
“Haven’t been to see Qing Lake since coming to Huan Prefecture,” she smiled at father and daughter, “Let’s see if the lotus flowers have bloomed.”
For the first time, Qiao Qingyu noticed Qiao Lushen seemed a bit panicked.
“There aren’t any lotus flowers right now,” he said stiffly while giving Qiao Qingyu meaningful looks.
“Let’s go look anyway, it’s rare to have the time,” Li Fanghao said, “We can take a family photo too… it’s a pity Xiaoyu isn’t home.”
“Let’s go take a look,” Qiao Qingyu nodded, returning a reassuring look to Qiao Lushen, “When Xiaoyu comes next time, we can go again.”
At Qing Lake, the family of three strolled along the shore, following the same route Qiao Qingyu had taken when she first snuck out. Because of the rain, each held their umbrella, not talking much among themselves. After walking for over half an hour, they reached the south shore of Qing Lake, where Li Fanghao, who was in front, stepped into a pavilion and closed her umbrella.
The pavilion had two long benches, and Li Fanghao sat down looking out at the misty expanse of the lake, while Qiao Lushen sat on the opposite bench facing her.
Qiao Qingyu turned to go into the small shop behind the pavilion to buy water.
Returning with the water, she saw her parents exchange a glance, silent and wordless.
So she walked over and sat beside Li Fanghao, calling out “Mom.”
“Would you like some water?”
Li Fanghao turned back, looking at her with a gratified smile: “Qingqing is good.”
“Mom,” Qiao Qingyu took a deep breath, “I…”
Before the words came out, her eyes were already wet. Li Fanghao reached out to touch her face: “Why are you crying…”
“Mom,” Qiao Qingyu steadied herself, “do you remember that summer when we first came to Huan Prefecture, before school started when you went to buy me a phone?”
“Mm,” Li Fanghao’s voice was somewhat distant, “the phone.”
“That day I secretly ran to Qing Lake to play by myself.”
“Oh.”
“Mom,” Qiao Qingyu gently grabbed Li Fanghao’s hand which was still caressing her face, “Mom, are you very disappointed in me?”
“You’ve grown up…”
“I have more and more things on my mind,” Qiao Qingyu took a deep breath, “don’t know who to tell.”
Li Fanghao’s eyelids lowered slightly, and when she looked back at her, there was expectation in her eyes, as if waiting.
“Can I tell you?”
“Silly child,” Li Fanghao suddenly smiled faintly, tears glistening, “of course, you can tell Mom, don’t keep it bottled up.”
Qiao Lushen tactfully stood up, reopened his umbrella, and walked out into the rain.
In the pavilion, Qiao Qingyu reached out and gently wiped away the tears from the corners of Li Fanghao’s eyes.
“Mom, I can tell you everything, right?”
“Yes,” Li Fanghao smiled at her, tears welling up again, “don’t be afraid of Mom.”
So Qiao Qingyu recounted everything that had happened since coming to Huan Prefecture in complete detail. She confessed about He Kai, told about Ming Sheng’s confrontation with He Kai, and the isolation she faced during her first half year at Second Middle School; she spoke of her efforts to uncover the true cause of Qiao Baiyu’s death, and how her anger toward Qiao Jinrui and Nan Qiao Village was aroused; she mentioned how Ming Sheng initially rejected her request, and then inexplicably confessed to her; she said Wang Mumu was her first and most important friend, and that writing wasn’t just a pastime for her, but a way to ensure self-reflection and calmness; regarding the New Concept competition, she said she considered it something to be proud of. As for now, with less than seventy days until the college entrance exam, her mind was unsettled because—she paused, then continued—because she felt Mom was mentally unstable, afraid Mom would leave her behind.
Li Fanghao’s tears flowed continuously: “Silly child…”
“Mom, were you planning these days to…” Qiao Qingyu didn’t continue.
“Mom knows something’s wrong with herself, after making that scene in your classroom last time, Mom regretted it so much… ruined my elder daughter and now wants to ruin my younger daughter…”
“It’s not like that, Mom.”
Li Fanghao seemed not to hear: “But Mom’s heart is so bitter…”
“Let me take you to see a doctor, Mom,” Qiao Qingyu said softly, “Let’s go today, okay? Take some medicine, rest for a while and you’ll be better.”
“My daughter wants me to go to the hospital to recover,” Li Fanghao smiled bitterly, “What will the people in Nan Qiao Village say? They’ll say you’re heartless, sending your mother to the hospital as a mental patient…”
“It doesn’t matter,” Qiao Qingyu shook her head, “Let them say what they want, I don’t care.”
“Your grandfather still needs Mom to take care of him…”
“If Mom enters the hospital today, Grandfather won’t come tomorrow,” Qiao Qingyu said, “He probably won’t want to come to our home anymore, he thinks our family is unlucky.”
Li Fanghao didn’t speak, seeming to be deep in thought.
“Grandfather doesn’t like Huan Prefecture,” Qiao Qingyu said, “He says he can’t get used to it…”
“The elderly need someone to take care of them…”
“We each need to take care of ourselves first,” Qiao Qingyu said, “before we can take care of others. Mom, you need to take care of yourself before you have the energy to take care of us.”
“Ah,” Li Fanghao lowered her head and sighed deeply, “Seeing a doctor will cost so much money again.”
“I’ll earn more money in the future,” Qiao Qingyu said, “Mom, I’ll major in finance, and study at a university in Shanghai, nowhere else.”
Li Fanghao looked toward the lake.
“Mom…”
“That boy hasn’t interfered with your studies, has he?” She suddenly turned her head, her gaze becoming as all-seeing as before, “You haven’t developed any feelings at all?”
Qiao Qingyu understood what she meant. The impulse to shake her head rose, but she stopped it. Complete honesty, she reminded herself, feeling as if all eyes in the universe were watching to see if she could give her whole heart—as if she had made a solemn vow last night, and now heaven was testing her.
“I like him too.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, she felt herself prostrate on the ground, like a sacrifice offered to fate. Could her naked heart exchange for her mother’s health and peace?
Li Fanghao stared at her: “It won’t work.”
“I know.”
“Are his grades about the same as yours?”
“He’s going to study abroad.” Qiao Qingyu comforted Li Fanghao, feeling both relieved and dejected.
“Going to study abroad yet still flirting with you? Irresponsible!”
Those words made it difficult for Qiao Qingyu to breathe, she looked toward the murky, endless lake surface, opening her mouth to exhale the heavy air in her chest.
Now Li Fanghao’s gaze at her was full of sighs. Then, she moved closer, opening her arms to embrace Qiao Qingyu.
“It’s okay, don’t be sad, Mom is here,” she said, “Be good, listen to Mom, and study hard, Mom will listen to you and go to the hospital for treatment, get healthy, and stay with you for life.”
As she spoke, she stroked Qiao Qingyu’s back with her hand, full of maternal love, selfless and strong.
But Qiao Qingyu felt that hand pressing down on her wings that had somehow already spread. So she leaned her body back slightly, gently leaving Li Fanghao’s embrace, and instead took hold of her mother’s hand.
“Let’s work hard together, Mom.”
Setting aside all the disappointment and unwillingness in her heart—whether it was the compromised choice of university or the unreachable love—she felt she was still happy, happy that even in such a sad moment, she still had the strength to break free from her mother’s arms.