“It was around this time, three years ago. He was nearly fifteen, and I was twenty-two. Sounds like it shouldn’t be anything special, right?
“In my heart, he had always been just a little boy, a little brother. I even remember attending his third-day washing ceremony at Chengqian Palace when my mother took me to offer congratulations. That naked baby in the large bathtub was truly ugly – what Crown Prince of Qin’s heir? I couldn’t tell him apart from my eldest brother who was born the year before. They were all just stinky little boys anyway.
“Boys’ growth can be terrifying. When he was twelve or thirteen, he still had a baby face. But in just a year or two, he suddenly shot up and became a beautiful young man. I remember not seeing him much for about half a year, and when I next saw him up close, I suddenly realized this kid had grown taller than me.
“That summer, it was too hot in the capital. His Majesty and the Empress went to Jiucheng Palace to escape the heat, leaving him to oversee the court. He had recently acquired several Turkic guards who accompanied him in hunting and playing every day, even teaching him polo. Polo had just been introduced to Chang’an then, and he loved it, always looking for suitable places to play. The empty ground behind Purple Void Temple was quite flat, so he had it cleaned up and goalposts installed. He came to play almost every day. I found it fun too, so I opened the back door and joined them to learn and play. After getting all sweaty, we didn’t have to take the long way around – we could enter through the back door of the temple to bathe, change clothes, drink water, and eat fruits. It was very convenient.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever had that experience – being completely exhausted and sweaty, then taking a bath and drying off, feeling refreshed and light as if you could float away. The first couple of times, he just teased and joked around, calling me ‘Elder Sister’ while coming close to looking at me, his eyes gleaming with light. How could I not understand… It wasn’t my first time…”
“What I didn’t expect was that afterward, he said it was his first time… completely and joyfully.
“With all those serving girls and palace maids in the Eastern Palace, were they all dead… what a fool.
“There’s no need to go into detail about what happened after. Whenever His Majesty and the Empress weren’t in the capital, he would run to my place all day long, using hunting and military exercises as excuses, staying at my place night after night instead of returning to the Eastern Palace. He spoke so many sweet words, saying he had liked me since he was little, and after being established as Crown Prince, someone told him that His Majesty wanted to betroth me to him as his bride, to live together in the Eastern Palace. He was so happy he jumped for joy, making all the men and women present laugh heartily.
“Then there was that banquet in the first year of Zhenguan. Of course, it’s etched in my memory. I hadn’t expected that he, at only nine years old then, would remember so many details.
“The Emperor Emeritus set up the feast on the foundation of the Han Palace in the inner gardens, sitting in the middle with the Emperor and Empress on his left and right. The princes, imperial sons-in-law, and their consorts were seated around them, with close ministers sitting at the lower ends. After the music and dance from the Imperial Music Bureau, the atmosphere grew increasingly festive. My maternal grandfather’s younger children and grandchildren came out one by one to offer songs and dances as birthday wishes. Chengqian and several of his brothers and young uncles danced the Prince of Lanling. His mask was too big, wobbling about – it looked hilarious… After them, it was my turn to perform. I was… sixteen that year.
“I wore Hu maiden’s attire – a brocade robe with a turned-over collar, a pointed Hu hat, lambskin boots with tinkling ornaments. I danced a Huxuan dance on the imperial carpet to the drum beats, spinning like a wheel without stopping, making my maternal grandfather and Second Uncle’s couple clap and laugh loudly. Afterward, I playfully went up to receive birthday rewards, and His Majesty, in high spirits, said ‘How about I reward you with my son?’ Half-jokingly and half-seriously talking about establishing me as the Crown Prince’s consort-
“The Emperor Emeritus just laughed and said fine, do whatever you think is suitable. The Empress didn’t say anything, but that look in her eyes… that look still frightens me awake from deep dreams even now. Ah Bin, you know, by then I had already been linked to the deaths of First Uncle’s three eldest sons. People outside were already spreading rumors that I was a White Tiger spirit reborn, specifically coming to destroy the Li family’s eldest grandsons. And Chengqian… at that time, he was precisely the Emperor Emeritus’s eldest grandson and the Eastern Palace’s eldest son.
“After His Majesty spoke those words, my father immediately rose to decline, and others couldn’t intervene. At that moment, I made my own decision, stepping back to bow to the Emperor Emeritus and Emperor, declaring loudly that I had three malefic stars – Seven Killings, Destroyer of Armies, and Great Wolf – in the same palace of my horoscope. I brought harm to my parents at home and would bring disaster to my husband if married. After my birth mother passed away, I had already begun practicing Dao at home, only keeping it secret to avoid breaking my grandfather’s heart. Now taking this opportunity, I could properly report and request the Emperor Emeritus and His Majesty to allow me to become a nun.
“The adults all thought I was just being a willful child having a momentary impulse, and naturally wouldn’t permit it. Seeing my wish denied, I yanked off my Hu hat, loosened my hair, and pulled out a small knife to cut off much of it. The attendants and palace servants rushed to stop me, creating such a commotion that the banquet ended there. The Emperor was so angry his face turned ashen. My father said that even during the Wude years when he served as Prince of Qin, hardly anyone dared to defy him so openly – I was truly bold… But what else could I do? I knew that if I was truly selected as Crown Prince’s consort, selected once again, I absolutely wouldn’t live to see my wedding day at the Eastern Palace.
“I could only insist firmly that I wouldn’t marry, that I wanted to become a Daoist nun and remain single for life. Second Uncle was angry with me, so I sent people to plead with Second Aunt. As for the Empress, of course, she wouldn’t want her precious beloved son to be affected by my White Tiger curse… With my aunt’s mediation and considering Emperor Emeritus’s face, the Emperor finally approved, even giving me this Purple Void Temple to preside over as an inner temple. The motion to establish me as Crown Prince’s consort was naturally canceled. I thought at the time that everyone was happy, but I didn’t know that Chengqian himself… was heartbroken.
“He said that day when he returned to his quarters in the Eastern Palace, he cried himself to sleep. At that time, he didn’t even understand what taking a wife or consort meant, he only knew that I was unwilling to come to the Eastern Palace, unwilling to live and play with him. Of course, that was just a child’s tantrum – if not for what happened later, perhaps he would never have thought of it again.
“But then what happened later did happen. As he grew older, he said he liked me more and more. A different kind of like – a man’s like for a woman.
“Of course, he knew about my past, my former betrothal to my cousins from First Uncle’s family, my refusal of the position of Crown Prince’s consort. Although the Emperor and Empress appreciated and valued me, they were wary of my destiny and would never allow him to openly take me into the Eastern Palace. He was also frequently ill those two years, often bedridden, making the Empress even more worried – how would she agree to let her son get entangled with a woman known to bring death to her husbands… But you know what? The more impossible it was, the more hidden and forbidden it had to be, the more obsessed men become. Hah, these men…
“You ask why I was willing to be like this? Why wouldn’t I be willing?
“He wasn’t ugly, nor was he stupid, and his smile was especially beautiful. Though he was naive and pure at that time, he was clever and attentive, learning things quickly with just one teaching. I was happy being with him too… Moreover, his status was so special – even if just to satisfy my vanity, I was willing. As long as things didn’t get exposed, there would be no loss for me, and even if they did get exposed… it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
“For the first couple of years, we were both quite happy and satisfied. If only it could have continued that way…
“But I slowly noticed something wasn’t right. He seemed… too serious…
“He had reached the age when he should marry and have children. His parents had mentioned it several times in person. His full brother already had a son, yet he kept finding ways to delay. These past few years, whenever there was talk of selecting a Crown Prince’s consort, the Crown Prince would fall ill and take to his bed. Some diviner in the Eastern Palace would say he wasn’t suited for taking a primary wife early – such nonsense… He still harbored foolish thoughts, telling me he would petition the Emperor and Empress in person to take me as his primary consort, saying that no matter how difficult, we should stay together for life. I scolded him and told him to dispel such delusions early, not to get me and my whole family killed.
“This past year and more, we would argue every time this matter came up. He was very stubborn, refusing to look at other families’ pure daughters. I wasn’t any softer in temperament – I told him, if you dare mention this to the Empress, I’ll jump into the elixir furnace. Whether I die early or late makes no difference – maybe if I turn myself into alchemical medicine, I might even condense into some Nine-Transformations Yin Essence Relics…
“Later, for a while, he stopped mentioning it, though he still came frequently. I gradually figured out what he was thinking… he wanted… me to get pregnant. He knew his mother wanted to hold a legitimate eldest grandson. If I carried his child, it would be easier to bring up. Even if he still couldn’t persuade the Emperor and Empress to make me his primary wife, at least he could keep me openly in the Eastern Palace. After giving birth to a son, I would gain status through the child. When the elders were all gone, wouldn’t everything be up to him anyway?
“I had another big fight with him, telling him plainly to stop dreaming. With my irregular menstruation and disordered periods, wanting to conceive? Wait for the next life.”