In the courtyard, Little Yellow the dog barked a couple times, and suddenly a voice called out: “Ning Ning, are you home?!”

It was Zhao Weichen’s mother’s voice.

Feng Ning quickly stuck her head out the window. “I’m home!”

“I brought you some braised dishes, come down and open the door for me.”

“Okay, coming.”

Feng Ning answered.

She turned around and found Jiang Wen buttoning his shirt. He picked up the watch from the nightstand and put it on, expression composed. “I’ll go down with you.”

…

…

The door opened to reveal a strange, handsome young man—tall, long-legged, standing there. Zhao Weichen’s mother froze, a look of bewilderment crossing her face. Then she spotted Feng Ning’s head poking out beside him. “Auntie Cai.”

Jiang Wen politely extended his hand, smiling. “Let me take that for you.”

Called twice, Zhao Weichen’s mother snapped out of it as if waking from a dream. “This, this is?”

Feng Ning was still searching for words.

Jiang Wen introduced himself proactively. “Hello, Auntie, I’m Feng Ning’s boyfriend.”

His sharp, chiseled profile, handsome features, paired with those slightly upturned eyes, was an indiscriminate charm offensive on women of any age.

“Boyfriend…”

Zhao Weichen’s mother chewed on the meaning of the word, paused for two seconds, then looked silently at Feng Ning.

Feng Ning looked back at her.

Zhao Weichen’s mother glanced at Jiang Wen a couple more times. “Good, good, well, I won’t disturb you two then.”

After seeing her off out of the courtyard, Feng Ning leaned against the doorframe, drained.

Jiang Wen, holding the tray of braised dishes, looked at her, puzzled. “What’s with that expression?”

Feng Ning sighed. “Ugh, once Auntie Cai knows, it’s as good as the entire Yujiang Lane knowing.”

Jiang Wen paused for a moment. “I don’t think I’m that embarrassing to show off, am I?”

His tone carried not a hint of realizing anything was wrong.

“It’s not that you’re embarrassing.” Feng Ning leaned in to sniff the braised dishes. “It’s just… meeting the parents, it’s always a bit troublesome.”

“What’s troublesome about it?” Jiang Wen said indifferently. “Are you saying you don’t plan to take responsibility after sleeping with me?”

Feng Ning’s eyes widened. “What happened to you? Your shamelessness has grown a whole lot overnight, saying things like that.”

Jiang Wen made no comment either way.

After putting the dishes in the kitchen, Jiang Wen’s phone rang. He took it out, glanced at the caller, and declined it.

After a while, it started ringing again.

Feng Ning glanced at him. “Why aren’t you answering?”

Jiang Wen answered indifferently. “Spam call.”

Just as he said this, Feng Ning’s phone rang too. She checked—it was Zhao Binlin.

The moment she answered, the other end shouted, “Is that dog Jiang Wen with you?”

Feng Ning looked at Jiang Wen. “He’s with me, what about it.”

Zhao Binlin was quite worked up. “Why isn’t he answering my calls?”

Feng Ning handed the phone to Jiang Wen.

The two of them talked; she stepped aside, putting the braised dishes in the freezer. By the time she finished tidying up, Jiang Wen had already hung up.

Feng Ning took the phone back, asked casually, “What did Zhao Binlin want with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why didn’t you answer his call.”

Jiang Wen: “He’s harassing me.”

“……”

A few minutes later, the phone rang again. It was Jiang Wen’s family calling.

Feng Ning laughed out loud. “You really are busy, it’s New Year’s morning and your phone won’t stop.”

Jiang Wen glanced at her.

While he was on the phone, Shuang Yao happened to come by, calling her over to make dumplings. She’d clearly heard the gossip too.

—Feng Ning bringing a boyfriend home to stay the night was nothing short of explosive news on Yujiang Lane.

Shuang Yao grinned like a cat that had gotten into the cream, bumping Feng Ning’s shoulder, casually guessing. “Hey, you two last night…?”

Feng Ning’s mouth twitched. “Shuang Yao, put away that lewd expression, act normal.”

Jiang Wen finished his call, came over. Feng Ning stopped tussling with Shuang Yao.

Shuang Yao straightened her clothes. “Alright, I’ll head over first.”

Feng Ning leaned against the wall, smile lingering at her lips. “What’s up?”

“My grandfather wants me to come home for a visit.”

Feng Ning nodded.

“You, will you come with me?”

Feng Ning was a bit taken aback, went “ah,” “Meet the family with you?”

Jiang Wen’s breath caught, seeming a bit nervous. “Yeah.”

They stood there frozen for a few minutes; Feng Ning turned her head, avoiding his gaze, pretending to think it over. “This… isn’t it a bit early? How about once we’re more stable?”

Jiang Wen had something he wanted to say, but after a moment of silence, still didn’t say it. In the end, he said, “Alright, I’ll come find you after dinner.”

“Why are you so distracted.” Shuang Yao, having finished rolling out the dumpling wrappers, leaned against the counter.

Feng Ning kneaded the dough. “Thinking about something.”

Outside, voices bustled with excitement.

Zhao Weichen had brought a girlfriend home for New Year’s this year, and was going around visiting households on Yujiang Lane with her. Feng Ning, fortunately, escaped the ordeal of being grilled by the elders about Jiang Wen.

Shuang Yao noticed her clearly unhappy mood, found it a bit strange. “What’s with that gloomy expression, what’s wrong?”

Feng Ning brushed it off. “Didn’t sleep well last night, a bit tired.”

She stared blankly at the cutting board, her body sore and weak, with no energy, going through the motions of chores half-heartedly.

In the evening, at dinner, Feng Ning still couldn’t escape the questioning.

Including the kids, there were probably over a dozen people. Shuang Yao’s mom suddenly asked, “Ning, I heard from Weichen’s mom that she saw your boyfriend this morning?”

At this, everyone else looked at Feng Ning.

Feng Ning paused for two seconds, then said the lines she’d prepared in advance. “Yes, he’s my boyfriend, but we’ve only just started dating, I was planning to bring him to meet you all after some time.”

An older aunt chimed in: “Heard the young man is really handsome, like a TV star.”

The table buzzed with discussion. Shuang Yao’s mom asked what she cared about most: “So how are his family circumstances? What’s his character like? If both are good, at your age, it’s time to settle down too.”

“His family’s circumstances are very good, his character is good too, he’s my high school classmate.” Feng Ning answered one by one. “But we’ve only just started, don’t know how things will go yet.”

After a brief silence, Shuang Yao’s mom nodded. “Family circumstances are very good?”

Shuang Yao basked in reflected glory, bragging: “Real good, super rich. Our Ning Ning struck gold!”

Shuang Yao’s dad offered his opinion: “Too rich isn’t good either. A man with too much money can’t control himself.”

The table buzzed with discussion; Shuang Yao called out, “Alright alright, when I bring a boyfriend home you all don’t show this much concern!”

Feng Ning kept eating with her head down, eating and laughing, the elders’ chatter in her ears, warmth in her heart.

…

…

After dinner, Shuang Yao suddenly remembered something. “Oh right, Ning Ning, I left something at your place.”

“What thing?”

At dinner, Feng Ning had had some drinks with Shuang Yao’s dad, and her face was still a bit flushed.

“My bracelet.”

“Didn’t see it, let’s go look for it later.”

The two walked around the neighborhood together. On the way home, Shuang Yao suddenly spoke, tone a bit uncertain. “Ning Ning, why do I always get this feeling from you…”

“What?”

“I don’t know how to put it.” Shuang Yao mulled it over. “You and Jiang Wen, what exactly are you thinking? Can you tell me honestly?”

“Didn’t we already discuss this? Why bring it up again.”

Shuang Yao clicked her tongue. “I know, but haven’t you two had, like, a change in your relationship? You don’t have any other feelings about it?”

“…Other feelings.” Feng Ning pretended to think for a moment, then said seriously, “He’s quite good in bed, I probably won’t have any regrets in this life.”

Shuang Yao gasped, laughing and scolding her, “Can you be any more vulgar? I mean, don’t you feel like your whole self belongs to him now?”

“……”

Feng Ning made a disgusted sound. “We just slept together once, why are you so old-fashioned, ‘whole self belongs to him,’ isn’t that a bit much?”

They reached the courtyard gate; Feng Ning stopped, pulled out her keys to open the door. Shuang Yao was still nagging. “These days people’s affections are so fickle, being truly loved by someone for this long is such a blessing. You should treasure Jiang Wen.”

“Alright, alright.” Feng Ning cut her off. “Honestly, how much did Jiang Wen pay you, I’ll double it.”

“No, I’m being serious, I think you’re still avoiding things with him somehow.” Shuang Yao was puzzled. “Things have gotten this far, why do you keep dodging?”

They went upstairs one after the other; Feng Ning’s tone was casual. “Don’t know, I feel a lot of pressure, you go find your bracelet first, I’m going to go rinse my mouth.”

Walking into the room, the first thing she did was open the window to air it out.

Whether it was psychological or not, she felt like the air still carried a lingering trace of last night’s scent…

After seeing Shuang Yao off, Feng Ning walked into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror for a while, grabbed the cup nearby, took a mouthful of water, tilted her head back, gargling.

After rinsing her mouth, she washed her face carefully too, pushed open the door, shaking water off her hands, and saw Shuang Yao standing by the bay window, motionless, a puzzled expression on her face.

Feng Ning, sensing something, quickly walked over.

Shuang Yao was holding a sheet of pills.

It was the medicine she’d taken that afternoon and carelessly left on the table, forgetting to put it away.

Shuang Yao turned, saw Feng Ning’s composed expression. Though she said nothing, Shuang Yao suddenly had a strange feeling.

A thought suddenly flashed through her mind, hard to believe, but she blurted it out anyway. “Ning Ning, did you… relapse again?”

Feng Ning’s expression didn’t change.

“What exactly is going on, you… don’t lie to me.”

Feng Ning reached back and patted her arm, taking the medicine back. “Alright, it’s not the end of the world, why the face?”

“No, Ning Ning, I’m scared.” Shuang Yao’s throat tightened. “I’m really scared.”

Unable to stop it, she thought back to that summer. The summer right after high school graduation, when Feng Ning’s illness had been at its worst.

Back then, Shuang Yao had gone with Feng Ning to the hospital several times.

Just when she thought things were starting to improve, one day, she’d pushed open Feng Ning’s bedroom door.

Feng Ning had been sitting on the floor, her arm covered in a row of jarring, bloody cuts.

Shuang Yao hadn’t known what to do, had just stood there stunned for a long time, then gone over and hugged her, crying. “Feng Ning, I’m begging you, seeing you like this really hurts, it really hurts. Please don’t do this anymore, okay?”

…

Feng Ning hesitated slightly, her voice carrying a note of comfort. “It’s fine, I take the medicine, I can manage it myself.”

Shuang Yao stared at her blankly. “So, I didn’t notice, and you were just planning on hiding it like this?”

“Wasn’t planning on anything, taking it one step at a time.”

“What about Jiang Wen, did you tell him?”

Feng Ning put the medicine away. “How could he possibly know.”

“Why?”

Feng Ning: “I never told him… that I have this condition.”

Shuang Yao said nothing for a while, then asked, “Never told him…?”

Hearing Shuang Yao’s tone, Feng Ning frowned, sensing something was off. A bad feeling settled in. She asked, “What do you mean?”

Shuang Yao confirmed again, “You’re saying, you have depression, and Jiang Wen doesn’t know at all?”

“Right.”

“That’s not possible, absolutely not possible.” Shuang Yao’s tone was very firm. “He even asked me, asked me how long you’ve had this condition. There’s no way he doesn’t know.”

“Asked you how long I’ve had this condition?!” Feng Ning’s voice rose uncontrollably. “When did Jiang Wen ask you this?”

“It was two days after Christmas, he specially flew to Nan City for it.”

Feng Ning’s heart sank; she quickly connected it to that late-night call from Jiang Wen, and his inexplicably changed attitude toward her afterward.

After Shuang Yao left, Feng Ning sat alone on the bed.

Her mind filled with every detail of her time with Jiang Wen recently.

The scar she’d deliberately hidden from him, and the cheerful, lively act she’d worked so hard to put on, just like before.

That night, around midnight, Jiang Wen came to find Feng Ning.

She answered the call, took a minute to compose herself, then spoke to him as usual: “Don’t come up yet.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Let’s go for a walk. I’ve been stuck at home all day without moving.”

Jiang Wen was quiet for a few seconds on the phone. “Are you sure you can still walk?”

Feng Ning didn’t understand for a moment. “Why wouldn’t I be able to walk?”

“Guess I underestimated you,” he said, sounding all too righteous about it.

Feng Ning laughed. “Usual spot, give me ten minutes.”

…

…

At the bus stop, Jiang Wen sat on the bench, watching Feng Ning approach.

She walked step by step, not particularly fast. From the dark into the light, walking toward him.

Jiang Wen stood up.

The two faced each other, one tall, one shorter, just looking at each other, saying nothing.

Suddenly, Feng Ning leaned in toward Jiang Wen, hugging his waist tightly, as if she could draw his warmth through their clothes that way.

Jiang Wen found it a bit odd, but unconsciously relaxed, enjoying Feng Ning’s unusually heightened warmth.

The corner of his mouth curved slightly. “What’s wrong with you?”

Feng Ning kept her tone light. “Nothing, just missed you a lot, even after a few hours apart.”

As if something had been triggered, Jiang Wen placed his hands on Feng Ning’s shoulders, wanting to push back a little to look at her expression.

But Feng Ning stayed silent, her arms tightening further.

Jiang Wen sensed her tension inexplicably. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” Feng Ning let go of him.

The two held hands, walking aimlessly through the streets of Nan City.

“Today I…”

Jiang Wen suddenly spoke up; Feng Ning looked up at him.

He hesitated, uncharacteristically at a loss for words. “Today I showed my grandfather your photo.”

She was a bit thrown off, and after a moment said, “Oh…”

“He said you’re pretty.” Jiang Wen’s mouth curved up slightly. “Said when I have time, to bring you to meet him.”

“……”

The surroundings were unusually quiet; Feng Ning said nothing. For a moment, neither of them spoke.

The curve at the corner of Jiang Wen’s mouth faded bit by bit. “You… don’t want to go?”

“I might… not be ready yet.”

“What preparation do you need?”

Feng Ning turned to look at him, asked in an even tone, “You know I have depression, right?”

Her tone carried little of a question.

Jiang Wen was caught completely off guard, with no mental preparation at all.

After a long silence, he finally said, “I’m sorry.”

Feng Ning feigned calm, asked with a smile, “Why apologize to me?”

The night wind had picked up, but neither of them felt the cold.

Jiang Wen took her hand, pulled with a bit of force, drawing her close.

Gazing at her, he thought of his own cowardice back then.

Because of his cowardice, his avoidance, he’d let her struggle alone in that abyss of pain.

Jiang Wen hated himself, and hated the vast blank stretch of time that had come between them.

“When I brought up breaking up with you back then, I didn’t know anything, I’m sorry.”

Watching his clearly guilt-stricken expression, Feng Ning had the words at her lips several times, wanting to speak, but didn’t know where to start.

Suddenly, some vague suspicion in her heart was confirmed again. She wanted to ask more clearly, whether it was out of pity that he’d decided to get back together with her. But she was afraid that if she got the answer, it would be the end for them.

Before this, Feng Ning hadn’t really thought she could stay with Jiang Wen for long anyway. As for the matter of her depression, she’d originally planned to hide it until she couldn’t anymore, then tell him.

Shuang Yao kept asking why she wouldn’t think about a future with Jiang Wen. It wasn’t that Feng Ning didn’t want to—she just didn’t dare to think about it, didn’t want to.

If someday, Jiang Wen were dragged down into darkness by her, unable to free himself—just thinking of that scene made Feng Ning’s chest ache.

“Actually I, I’ve never really been normal, including now.”

As she spoke, Feng Ning unconsciously stepped back. “I’m not even really a normal person anymore.”

In a moment of urgency, Jiang Wen pulled her back, holding her against him, his voice carrying unusual urgency: “Don’t say that.”

“Think it over again, about the two of us.”

“I…”

He’d only gotten one word out before Feng Ning cut him off hastily, “I don’t mind if you pity me, but, I’ll give you two days—go look up depression properly online.”

“For me, dying isn’t a hard thing. Living is.”

“Jiang Wen, I’m someone with no future. Think it over carefully.”

Late into the night, Feng Ning leaned against the headboard, thinking about what had just happened.

Jiang Wen had walked her home; the whole way, neither of them spoke. At the door, she looked at him quietly. “I’m going back in.”

Jiang Wen nodded.

Even though she’d been mentally preparing herself all along, having finally said everything clearly to him, Feng Ning still felt a knot in her chest, none of the relief she’d imagined.

She thought, a little self-mockingly, that this kind of selfless, putting-others-first act was probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing for her.

Deep in the night, everything around gradually grew quiet, not a sound to be heard.

When the message came, it was already nearly four. Her phone suddenly dinged twice, the sound unusually loud.

He’d sent it on WeChat—

61nfiawJ: [Asleep yet?]

Feng Ning was caught off guard, hadn’t managed to reply when another came—

61nfiawJ: [If you wake up and see this, come down and let me in, I’ll wait for you.]

Not even bothering with a coat, Feng Ning slipped on her slippers and went straight down. She pulled open the courtyard’s outer gate; the small yellow bulb overhead flickered on in response.

Jiang Wen sat on the container box nearby, turned his head to look at her, expression calm but haggard, his lips slightly chapped.

Seeing her stunned, Jiang Wen stood up.

He walked over, saw she wore only a thin nightgown, took off his coat and tossed it into her arms. “Put this on first.”

“You… why are you here at this hour?”

“Didn’t you tell me to think it over.”

“I gave you two days, it’s only been a few hours, you’ve already thought it through?”

Jiang Wen pulled something out of his pocket. “I didn’t need even a minute to give you an answer. I just needed some time to go back and get something.”

She looked at the ring glinting in the night.

Feng Ning still hadn’t reacted, standing frozen there.

“What is this for?”

Jiang Wen said quietly, “I didn’t want to propose to you so casually, with nothing prepared. But you make me feel like you could disappear at any moment, and this seemed like the only way I had left.”

Completely unprepared for things to unfold this way, Feng Ning opened her mouth, at a loss, unable to get a single word out.

To say she wasn’t nervous would be a lie.

Jiang Wen: “You said a lot to me yesterday. I’ve never been good with words in front of you. I’ve always been worse at talking than you, so I needed to think carefully about what to say next.”

“Even with you being sick, I never once pitied you. Maybe,” Jiang Wen paused, “the one who’s needed pity, this whole time, has been me.”

Feng Ning held her breath, listening to his every word.

Jiang Wen pulled up something on his phone, handed it to her.

“This is an email I wanted to send you a long time ago, that ended up just sitting in my drafts folder.”

Feng Ning’s chest tightened.

His tone stayed even. “If you want to reject me, read it through first before you do.”

…

…

「Feng Ning, I can’t sleep.」

「I don’t know how many more nights like this there are left—the kind where I only fall asleep once I’ve worn myself down completely.」

「Since going back to school there’ve been so many classes, teachers talking at the podium without stopping. Every word just drifts past my ears, I can hardly take any of it in. Every day I have to deal with all kinds of people, always feel busy, sometimes don’t even have time to eat, but keep inexplicably thinking of you.」

「In some ways, that’s not so bad. I’ve gotten a bit lazy. Too lazy to check notifications, seeing a friend’s message and putting off replying for hours, sometimes a whole night, not replying all day.」

「A while ago, not sure if it was an illusion, I saw a girl who looked a lot like you. These past few days, I’ve stood at the classroom door waiting for her to come out, then waited again at the stairwell. A friend asked if I wanted her contact info, I said no need, I just wanted to look.」

「When I think of you now, it’s like a dream. Especially, especially hazy—hazy enough that I feel like those fragmented things I remember about you didn’t even happen to me.」

Before, Feng Ning had rarely chatted much with him.

Whenever he got a message from her, Jiang Wen would immediately drop whatever he was doing. He’d hold his phone, choosing his words carefully to reply, then stare at the screen, waiting for her response.

Sometimes it would be night, with a full course load the next day; even if he couldn’t get a reply from her, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. He especially didn’t want to close his eyes, yet couldn’t fight off the drowsiness.

「After we broke up, I thought about trying to get back together with you. Thought about just being normal friends instead, better than not being in touch at all now. But it felt hard to bring up, so all I could do was think about it. Didn’t know who I could tell—others would probably think something’s wrong with me, thinking about this stuff every day.」

…

…

「I’m about to go abroad」

「Feng Ning, in tenth grade I was someone with a lot of pride.」

「But right now I really want to beg you.」

…

…

At this line, she couldn’t bear to read any further.

Her heart ached, dull and heavy.

Head bowed, it was a long while before she could recover.

Jiang Wen didn’t seem to mind anymore. “Before coming back, I got by on the thought that ‘you don’t care about me at all.’ Held onto that to keep from looking for you. Later, I couldn’t hold on anymore—on the flight back, I thought, whether you cared about me or not didn’t matter anymore, I wasn’t going to weigh gains and losses. If you’d gotten married, I would have given up completely, for good. But you hadn’t.”

“Maybe pushing you will only push you further away. But right now I don’t care what approach would get me more in return—if you still can’t accept me, then I’ll just have to accept that. But, you’ll have missed your chance with me, and there won’t be another man in the future who’d do something this foolish for you.”

Feng Ning’s eyes welled with tears. “What are you doing, going on like this—are you threatening me?”

“I’m not threatening you, I’m begging you.”

“Begging me for what?”

“Begging you.” Jiang Wen paused. “Put me on your household registration.”