Gu Yanxi answered with uncommon honesty. “The former.”
Hua Zhi was quiet for a moment. “I have been genuinely worried that you will be disappointed. Because even if I agree, I will still look after the Hua Family. I will still spend every effort on the Hua Family’s survival. I cannot be the kind of woman who looks to her husband as her sky — who puts him above all else and can even set aside her family’s interests for his sake. You should know: that is not something I am capable of.”
“I know. It does not matter.” Gu Yanxi’s words came out dry and blunt. He could feel victory drawing near, yet he still didn’t dare to feel glad — terrified that Ah Zhi was about to follow up with a “but.”
“And for the time being, we cannot observe the proper rites of marriage either. I am not in a position to, and neither are you.”
“I can work something out…”
Hua Zhi shook her head. “Unless what you work out is bringing my grandfather and father home — that would not count as working something out. The proper rites require a family elder present to preside, and my mother cannot serve in that capacity. Besides, I am still in mourning. I will not marry within three years.”
“It does not matter. I am willing to wait.”
The two of them held each other’s gaze for a moment. Hua Zhi’s smile carried a trace of helplessness. “We sound as though we are negotiating a transaction. The fortunate part is that both the buyer and the seller are agreeable.”
There were times she envied those who threw everything aside for love — so brave, rushing headlong like moths into flame toward the person they believed was right for them. The outcome might not always be what they hoped, but at least they were true to themselves.
Yet even in her previous life, in the days of her true youth, she had never had such a moment. It was not something she didn’t feel the lack of. But it was simply her nature — she could not help it. She had always wanted to know what it felt like to have a heart that fluttered and leapt — yet she had never once known a moment when feeling outweighed reason.
Hua Zhi looked at the man before her, whose joy was so evident. His happiness was so transparent that she felt she was doing him a disservice — that such genuine feeling deserved better than she could give.
Gu Yanxi, his mind now restored to its usual clarity, caught that brief flicker of self-reproach. He rose and crouched down before Ah Zhi, looking up at her from below. “What we are negotiating is not a transaction — it is both our futures. Ah Zhi, the reason you feel this way is because you feel guilty.”
Guilty about what? Hua Zhi’s expression shifted to one of bewilderment.
Gu Yanxi gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You have always been decisive — firm and swift in everything you do. Yet in this one matter, you have never been able to bring yourself to refuse outright. That is because from the very beginning you felt guilty. You feel that you have used me. You believe your own heart has not been entirely pure in this — and so you feel guilty.”
Hua Zhi bit her lip softly. She didn’t want to admit it, but it did seem to be the case.
Gu Yanxi smiled. “I am actually glad you feel guilty. If you didn’t, we would never have gotten to where we are now.”
“Does it not bother you that the feeling is unequal?”
“I am not selling my feelings by weight — why should I demand that they be matched equally? I am willing to do these things. I am genuinely glad to do anything for your sake. Everything I do for you, I do wholeheartedly. For me, that is enough. Is there not a saying — one willing to strike, one willing to be struck? I am the willing one.”
Hua Zhi was not the least bit consoled. If anything, she felt even more keenly the weight of his feelings — and she who had never in two lifetimes wanted to owe anyone anything now found herself indebted to one Gu Yanxi, entangled in his feelings on top of it. She couldn’t even say with certainty what her own heart was made up of, or in what proportions.
“Ah Zhi — you have not treated me nearly as badly as you think. You have actually done a great deal for me. Do not say it was nothing — much of it mattered greatly. You know that, don’t you?”
“But those things had nothing to do with feeling…”
“Would you say them to anyone else?”
She would not. She had no reason to say those things to anyone else.
Gu Yanxi smiled. “You trust me. Even after you knew who I really was, you still let me come close. And on a night like this, you invited me here yourself. All of this says you trust me — and to me, that means more than any pretty words anyone could say. In the Gu Family, that is the most scarce thing of all.”
“But that has nothing to do with feeling…”
“It does, Ah Zhi. How rare is your trust — do you not know it yourself? Yet you have given it to me. How can you say that has nothing to do with feeling?”
Hua Zhi knew herself well enough to know that she was, indeed, exceptionally slow to trust. In all the years she had been part of the Hua Family, even her own parents did not know what she was really like. The people she trusted could be counted on one hand — her grandfather, and Fourth Uncle, though even with him she had held something back. When she thought about it carefully: her trust in Gu Yanxi had long since surpassed the bounds of what she gave to ordinary people.
When had that begun? Hua Zhi found she could no longer remember.
Gu Yanxi pressed further. “You need not change anything by agreeing. Follow your own heart. I will not make things difficult for you, and I will not ask you to change. I only hope to be counted among your own people. Ah Zhi — I hope you will protect me too. The way you protect Xiao Liu, the way you protect Peony, the way you protect Bolin — protect me too.”
It was not a demanding request. It was, if anything, humble. Hua Zhi did not know how deep his lack of security ran. She only knew that in this moment, she felt a pang of tenderness for him.
She reached out and touched the scar on his face. Hua Zhi nodded. “All right.”
Gu Yanxi placed his hand over Hua Zhi’s, and a smile rose from somewhere deep within him, warm and slow. He felt his heart finally, gently, settle into place. He knew: when Ah Zhi agreed to that word, she agreed to everything. She was someone who took her promises far too seriously. Unless he one day did something to wrong her, she would never be the one to pull away. And that was all he was asking for right now.
As long as Ah Zhi held to this promise — even if he one day died by some misfortune, she would still remember him. She would never see another person in the same light again. In life or in death, Ah Zhi could only be his.
“Master Zheng is only the Hua Family’s teacher. His ambitions do not lie with the court, and his heart does not lie in the capital. Once his agreement is fulfilled, he will leave. This small capital city cannot hold him.”
Gu Yanxi, discomfited, quickly looked away — and for once let slip a rare flash of embarrassment.
Fingers tracing over the raised scar on his face, Hua Zhi asked quietly, “Will you use the prohibition against men and women keeping close contact as a reason to ask me to keep my distance from him?”
“I will not. Before you agreed, I was worried — he is, after all, a very impressive person — but even then, I never thought about stopping you from spending time with him. Now I certainly won’t. At no point will I hold you to the standards of a woman confined to the inner quarters. Things as they are now are good. Do as you wish. I said I would agree to everything, and I meant it.”
Hua Zhi smiled. How fortunate she was to have found a person like this. Even in the world she had once come from, such a person was a rarity. And she had never known until now that those three words — “I agree to everything” — could carry such force, making something rise in her heart that felt like: this is the one.
She thought, she had some fondness for Gu Yanxi — a little more than just a little fondness.
Hua Zhi crouched down to meet the man eye to eye. Something soft and tender came into her gaze. “In this life — if you do not fail me, I will not fail you.”
And Gu Yanxi suddenly understood, for the first time, what it felt like to have one’s heart bloom with joy. In that moment, a hundred flowers opened within him.