“Then go.”
Hua Bailin’s head snapped up, his face flooded with joy. “Eldest Sister!”
Hua Zhi straightened his collar. “If you want to go, then go. Eldest Sister will be waiting for you to come back stronger.”
Hua Bailin nodded vigorously.
Oh, the eagerness of a boy in a hurry to grow up. Hua Zhi swallowed the sigh that rose within her and spoke with earnest weight. “Being out there is different from being at home. No matter what situation you encounter, you cannot act on impulse. Decisions made in impulse are ones you will almost always regret. If you’re truly at your wits’ end, think of me — think of Mother, think of the family still far away in the north with no way to return. Bailin, I would rather you stayed home and grew step by step, slowly. It may be slower, but it’s safe. Yet since you want to go, I will not stop you.”
She touched her younger brother’s cheeks, still slightly soft with the roundness of childhood, and smiled warmly. “Your path is ultimately one only you can walk. No one can walk it for you, and neither can I.”
So I will not stop you, will not make decisions for you, will not use worry as an excuse to hold you back. Whether you soar to great heights or struggle with every step — that has only to do with yourself.
Hua Bailin was nearly moved to tears. All he could do was nod — steadily, repeatedly, with all the force he had.
Hua Zhi thought to herself that perhaps she really should not have children in the future. Too much worry, and the worrying was endless.
“As for when you set out, the two of you sort that out yourselves — I won’t manage that part. You must, however, bring plenty of guards. Oh, and take Xu Ying with you. He handles things quite well now, and Liu Huai still needs to learn a great deal from him.”
“Yes, Eldest Sister — I’ll do as you say.”
“So cooperative now.” Hua Zhi poked his forehead. “Go and have dinner with Mother. The matter of leaving is something you’ll have to persuade her of yourself. I won’t help you.”
“Yes.”
Hua Bailin practically bounced his way out. Xiao Liu and Yang Sui’an emerged from the adjacent room. The two exchanged a glance and said nothing — one headed out of the courtyard, the other turned toward the study.
Hua Zhi saw him and smiled. “Looks like everyone has something to say to me today.”
Xiao Liu lowered his head with a small smile and stated his purpose directly. “I’m going with them.”
Hua Zhi was not the least bit surprised. She had guessed as much the moment she saw Xiao Liu walk in alone. Mindful of his identity, she was far more careful with him than she had been with Bailin. “Xiao Liu, I have no standing to agree or refuse.”
Seeing the hurt flicker across his face, Hua Zhi did not move to comfort him, only said: “And it isn’t only me — as you gradually grow older and accumulate the various identities layered upon your status as an Imperial Prince, there will be very few people in this world who can decide what you will or will not do. And given your position, every decision you make will inevitably affect the lives and deaths of many people. I hope you develop the habit of thinking carefully before every decision you take.”
Xiao Liu looked crestfallen. “So just because of my identity, I’m left to my own devices? I want to go, so I go; I don’t want to go, so I don’t? Does that mean from now on I can be this free — doing whatever I please whenever I please, and refusing what I don’t?”
“No one can choose the family they are born into. People can only decide how they wish to act within the circumstances they cannot change. Among officials, some are honest and some are corrupt. Among scholars, some idle away in pleasure houses, writing verses that cause a sensation for a time, while others compose works that endure for a thousand years. Among carpenters, some remain journeymen their whole lives, while others craft things that have never existed before. Among Imperial Princes, some live out their days in foolishness, while others take to the battlefield and defend their homeland.”
Hua Zhi spoke with quiet ease, words of great weight carried in a light voice. She looked at Xiao Liu, but her gaze held nothing intimidating. She had not been born with soft, tender eyes — yet somehow her eyes seemed to hold a mountain within them, an ocean, an entire vast and boundless world. Simply being seen by those eyes, all resentment and unhappiness seemed to dissolve away without a trace.
Noticing his dazed, stunned expression, Hua Zhi finally relented. She beckoned him to come closer and, just as she had done with Bailin, reached out to tidy his clothing, then took his slightly cool hands in hers.
In this world, where boys and girls above the age of seven did not share a seat, what she was doing had already crossed certain lines. She knew. Yet she made no effort to avoid it.
“Xiao Liu, you are an Imperial Prince — princes of the Daqing dynasty have always participated in governance. You are already eleven years old. If your mother were still alive, she would surely be carefully guiding you, cultivating your judgment and your sense of right and wrong, along with all manner of skills, so that you would have a solid footing in the court in the future. Your mother, were she still here, would also tell you that you cannot depend on others for this — not even me. I am glad that you trust me, and precisely because of that, I am all the more unwilling to lead you astray. There are some people who simply are not born with the luxury of willfulness. You are one of them. So is Yanxi. And so am I.”
Hua Zhi smiled faintly and summed up the hardships of this past year in a single sentence: “Because sometimes, none of us have anyone to rely on — and there is no one to rely on.”
In that moment, Xiao Liu was overcome with a sorrow he could not contain — for Hua Jiejie, and for himself.
He had pretended to be innocent, pretended to be well-behaved, pretended to be understanding — all only to receive a little more of Hua Jiejie’s care, the kind given to family. And now Hua Jiejie would no longer allow him that. From this day forward, he could only be the Sixth Imperial Prince — not Xiao Liu.
Hua Zhi pulled open a drawer. Inside lay not documents or anything of importance, but a plate of brown, evenly-cut squares. She took one and pushed it into Xiao Liu’s mouth, and seeing his brow furrow, she laughed. “Bitter, isn’t it?”
Xiao Liu nodded. “And a little sweet.”
“Fu Dong spent a long time perfecting this — a kind of sweet made just for me. This flavor probably isn’t one many people would enjoy.”
Xiao Liu shook his head. “I like it.”
“I’ll have some packed for you to take when you go.”
Xiao Liu froze for a moment. The sweet in his mouth seemed to grow a little sweeter.
Hua Zhi took another piece, held it close to her nose, and breathed in the deep caramel scent. She did not eat it, and set it back down.
“I’m saying all this not because I no longer think of you as family. I only hope you can recognize your own identity clearly. As long as you wish it, the Hua Family will always have a room for you and a set of bowls and chopsticks for you. But precisely because you are family, I hope even more that you have the ability to protect yourself out there — that no one will bully you.”
“I understand.” Hua Jiejie was not pushing him away from the Hua Family or drawing a clear line between them. She only hoped that he would have a clear understanding of his own identity. She was afraid he might grow too dependent on her and lose his own judgment, and that he would be at a disadvantage when facing his brothers one day. He truly understood now.
“Now that you understand, I still want to ask — why do you want to go with them? Concern?”
“That’s part of it. But what’s more important is that what one sees and learns out in the world cannot compare with what teachers teach in a classroom. I want to take advantage of the time I still can leave the capital to see more of the world.”
That was true — Imperial Princes of the Daqing dynasty were not permitted to leave the capital without imperial decree once they came of age, confined to the capital for life. Hua Zhi shook her head, still uncertain how the founding emperor had ever established such a rule. Without going out to see the world, the princes would all assume that the entire realm was as prosperous as the capital.
“All right. Bring all your guards with you. Safety above all else.”
“Yes.”