The Old Madam, of course, could have wished for nothing more. There in that place was her husband, her son — they were her whole world. The mere thought of them enduring hardship somewhere she could not see made her heart clench with pain.
She had originally thought to pack some warm clothing and have a loyal servant deliver it. She did not have much silver herself, but if she squeezed and scraped, she could manage a few hundred taels — enough to send ahead and tide them over, to help them get through at least this one winter.
Zhi’er’s suggestion struck exactly at what she most wanted, and yet she had never once imagined asking an unmarried young miss to make such a journey.
“Zhi’er, Grandmother knows your devotion. But you have grown up without once leaving the capital. The northern territories are over two thousand li from here — even by fast horse, it takes ten days or more. How could a girl endure such a journey? If your heart is set on it, simply prepare more things to send to your grandfather and father.”
Hua Zhi shook her head. “I must go. Seeing me with his own eyes is what will truly set Grandfather’s mind at ease. When his heart is settled, illness comes less easily. I don’t worry about the others — youth gives a body certain advantages — but Grandfather is past the age of fifty. He has always lived in careful comfort. I need to see with my own eyes that he is well before my heart can be at peace.”
“But…”
“I understand your concern. My riding is actually quite decent — I simply haven’t had occasion to practice much. I’ll find time to ride more. As for the rest, I know what I am doing.”
The Old Madam still did not approve, but the cough she had been suppressing could no longer be held back. She could only pause the conversation and bring a handkerchief to her mouth, coughing in low, muffled bursts. Hua Zhi could see her grandmother was fighting to suppress it. She wanted to step forward and rub her grandmother’s back for her, but Nanny Su moved first, bending down smoothly to attend to the Old Madam as though she hadn’t noticed Hua Zhi’s intention at all.
Hua Zhi glanced between the two of them with a thoughtful look and said nothing.
When the coughing subsided, and seeing that her grandmother’s energy had noticeably flagged, Hua Zhi rose to take her leave. “Grandmother, please rest well first. There is no rush with this — we can speak of it again later.”
“Very well. You mind your own health too — don’t wear yourself to exhaustion.”
“Yes, Grandmother.”
Leaving the courtyard, Hua Zhi leaned close and said a few words to Yingchun. Yingchun understood at once, turned, and departed.
Hua Zhi looked back at the courtyard, cloaked beneath the spreading branches of the great camphor tree. Like its mistress, something about it now seemed faintly diminished — a quiet air of decline. She thought to herself: she could earn silver, and she could manage people with both rewards and authority, drawing the household together as one — but how was she to keep hold of a person’s life?
Should she be less capable, so that her grandmother would be too reluctant to let go? Or be more capable still, so her grandmother could leave in peace, with nothing left undone?
“Zhi’er.”
She turned. Fourth Aunt was walking slowly toward her, supported by her maid.
“Fourth Aunt is here to pay her respects to Grandmother? She’s feeling a little unwell and has gone to rest.”
“What kind of respects would I be paying at this hour? Just taking a walk, building up my strength for the delivery.” Waving her maid back, Madam Wu looked at her with concern. “Has something happened? Your color doesn’t look well.”
Hua Zhi stepped forward to support Fourth Aunt as they continued walking. The maid fell back to a respectful distance behind them.
“Just minor odds and ends. Why does it seem your belly has grown even more?”
“Only one more month before the birth — if it hadn’t grown, I’d be the one worried.” Madam Wu pointed to a long bench on the covered walkway not far ahead, motioning for Hua Zhi to come sit. “Don’t change the subject. These past weeks, you’ve handled everything with ease. Whatever could make your expression change won’t be a small matter. I may not be able to help with much, but I can at least talk things through with you.”
Hua Zhi sent her own maids to stand further off, then sat beside Fourth Aunt and rested a hand gently on her belly, lowering her voice. “Grandmother’s health is not in a good state.”
Madam Wu’s expression shifted. She glanced around, then also lowered her voice. “Doctor Chu said so? What exactly is the situation?”
“Before I went to the estate, Doctor Chu had already given me a frank assessment. Between the grief weighing on her heart and her advancing age, the outlook is not good. Why else would I have taken over every responsibility? Being a helper would have done just as well.”
“You really — why did you keep this so tightly under wraps? Tell me what medicines are needed. My mother sent someone over yesterday with some silver and medicines — use them here for Mother-in-law first.”
Hua Zhi had known about the Madam Wu Family’s messenger. Among all their relatives by marriage, only the Zhu Family and the Wu Family had come to the door thus far. “Those were prepared for your delivery — they cannot be touched. My maternal grandfather gave his word long ago: whatever is needed, just send word, and it will be brought over. I went to see Doctor Chu today, and he has written out a new prescription. Some of the medicines on it are precious, but they were always readily available in the Hua Family’s better days — the Zhu Family will certainly have them. I have already sent Nanny Lin to my maternal grandmother.”
Madam Wu clasped her hand and gave it a few gentle pats. “You are the steadiest one of us all — my own heart is in a complete panic.”
Having come back from death once already, little could throw her into a panic now. Hua Zhi smiled bitterly to herself. “This must not go beyond you and me — not a third person may know. It would cause chaos in the household.”
“I understand. Don’t worry.” Madam Wu sighed. “You’d best get a firm hold on the Hua Family as soon as you can. If the worst should happen, at least there would be no… ah, listen to me, what am I saying.”
“I know. You don’t need to worry about these things. Is the birth really in about a month’s time?”
“That’s about how it’s reckoned. Why?”
Hua Zhi gently felt her belly again. “I’m planning a trip to the northern territories. I hadn’t set a date yet, but now I think I can. Fourth Uncle will surely be glad to know you’ve delivered safely.”
Madam Wu knew well enough what kind of person her niece was. Once she spoke something aloud, her mind was made up — no amount of persuasion would change it. Even so, a girl going that far alone…
“Have you truly thought it through? Leaving aside the great distance — in a month’s time, the weather will already be cold. You have never endured that kind of hardship. Could you really bear it?”
“No one is born knowing how to endure suffering. When there is no choice, you push yourself — and as long as you don’t die, you find you can bear it after all.”
“But you do have a choice.”
Hua Zhi offered no further explanation. She said only: “Pack together what you’d like to send to Fourth Uncle. Not too much — I will have at most four people traveling with me.”
Madam Wu had been on the verge of saying more, but the moment her husband was brought into it, whatever reluctance she felt in her heart lost all its weight. Without much struggle, she let the longing for her husband win out. She knew she was being selfish — but who in this world was not? She was nothing more than one soul among countless ordinary souls.
A slightly awkward silence fell between them. Hua Zhi, unwilling to let a heavily pregnant woman sit with a troubled heart, curved her lips into a small smile and said: “Grandfather is truly the one who has never known hardship in his entire life. If I don’t go and see for myself, I won’t sleep easily day or night.”
Seeing Yingchun approaching, Hua Zhi took the opportunity to rise. “I still have matters to attend to — I’ll head over now.”
“Go on, go on. I’ll be heading back soon myself.”
Hua Zhi gave a small curtsy in farewell and left. Madam Wu watched her retreating figure and let out a long, quiet sigh. After all, she had been selfish. She could only hope it would not breed resentment between them someday.
And yet, thinking this, Madam Wu laughed at herself. Look how greedy she was — unwilling to treat the other with full consideration, and yet still hoping the other would treat her with full consideration.