After steaming the rice, I lifted my skirt hem and crouched on the doorstep, anxiously gazing toward the village entrance. Xu Fang had said he would buy two large grass carps this evening to make soup for me, celebrating my recovery from serious illness.
Speaking of which, I had been troubling him for quite some time now. Ever since he rescued me from my suicide attempt at the cliff edge during the peak peach season this year, our days had not been going smoothly.
I seemed to suffer from a strange and peculiar ailment—often I would wake from dreams having forgotten everything, including my own name and surname.
During that time, Xu Fang had to wake up very early each day, fearing that if I woke first, I would panic from the blank memory. He would tirelessly repeat the same comforting words, even though I would forget them completely the next day.
This condition persisted for a very long time, until one particular morning when I opened my eyes and said, “Xu Fang, I’m thirsty.”
He was stunned for a full half cup of tea’s time before going to boil water. Even after calming down for quite a while, his hands still trembled incessantly while pouring the tea.
From then on, my condition gradually improved. Initially I would occasionally forget things, but recently I could remember even trivial matters clearly. Xu Fang was in excellent spirits and had gone out early to earn money.
He truly indulged me.
My temperament wasn’t particularly good—sometimes I would complain about our simple meals, and when he used his saved copper coins to buy dried meat, I would start lamenting that our neighbor Wang Jie had gotten a new cotton robe.
Xu Fang rarely got angry with me. When I was being unreasonable, he would patiently listen and try his best to satisfy me. If it was beyond his means, he would hold me and play the bamboo flute to comfort me.
I once asked him, “Why are you so good to me? After rescuing me, you discovered I was a troublesome person—you could have just abandoned me. We were complete strangers originally.”
He replied, “Mainly because I was bored.”
I kicked him hard while he wailed, then he pressed his lips together, watched me with amusement for quite a while, and said, “He Feng, because I know better than anyone the pain of having no memories.”
He Feng was the name he gave me. Actually, Xu Fang was also a name he chose for himself—when the village head found him a year ago, he had lost his memory. The doctor said once the swelling at the back of his head completely subsided, he would likely remember his past.
Actually, deep in my heart, I didn’t want him to recover his memory. I often told him that no matter what past you have, you’re not allowed to abandon me. But even though he promised a hundred times, I never felt at peace.
While I was lost in foolish thoughts, a hand pinched my face, and Xu Fang’s voice reached my ears: “What are you thinking about so intently that you’re drooling?” Then staring at the grass carp in his hand, “Little fish, your mother misses you so much her heart is breaking.”
I pushed him hard: “You’re its mother!”
His eyes curved with a smile: “If you’re its mother, then naturally I’m its father.”
I was instantly overjoyed, trying hard to suppress my upturned lips, but failing. Xu Fang vigorously ruffled my hair: “Have you washed the cutting board? I’ll make you a big grass carp tonic soup.”
Whether it was his good cooking skills or the fish’s freshness, I rarely ate with such satisfaction. While he was washing dishes, I mysteriously slipped a jade flute into his hands: “For you.”
Xu Fang was stunned and asked, “Where did this come from?”
“I bought it.”
“Where did you get so much silver?”
“…I saved it.”
Xu Fang put on an expression that said “you can’t fool me,” so I sheepishly said, “I earned it washing clothes for the village head’s wife.”
His eyes filled with heartache, “I… the current me simply cannot give you fine clothes and precious food, but if…”
I asked, “What?”
He paused for a long while but refused to continue, only pulling me to sit under a tree, saying, “Why don’t I play the flute for you?”
The flute’s melody slowly began, a gentle breeze stirred, black hair flying, and the slanting sunlight made him look like a figure from a painting.
I couldn’t help but stare in fascination.
The days passed as peacefully and contentedly as I had imagined. Just when I thought we would continue like this until the end of time, I inadvertently saw a notice posted on a stone wall at the market.
A missing person notice, seeking the heir of Marquis Xia Yang, Nie Ran.
Worthy of being the head of the four great families, the Nie family’s notice bore a remarkably lifelike portrait—anyone who had seen the young master in person would surely recognize him.
Let alone someone like me who spent day and night with him.
When I returned home, Xu Fang was cooking in the kitchen. The clanging sounds of the spatula forced all the words I had pondered on the way back down my throat.
He was the noble heir of Marquis Xia Yang. Even if he didn’t mind, how could his family tolerate a wild girl of unknown origins like me?
However, what was meant to come couldn’t be avoided. When I woke the next day, Xu Fang wasn’t sitting by my bedside as usual.
I frantically searched the entire house but couldn’t find a trace of him.
Until I heard commotion in the front courtyard.
I tiptoed to the door and saw a ground full of kneeling people in the courtyard, all showing fearful expressions. Xu Fang stood leisurely among them, his calm voice carrying an air of authority: “All of you, go back.”
The leading elder said tremblingly, “Young Master, the Marquis and Madam have been searching for you constantly, and the young madam, she…”
Xu Fang gave him a cold glance. I had never seen such an expression on him—from my angle, it looked like anger: “If I don’t leave, do you still want to force me back?”
Those people immediately fell silent as cicadas, constantly kowtowing for forgiveness. Xu Fang waved his sleeve with considerable impatience: “Enough, I will return to Suiyang in a few days to apologize to Father myself.”
Only after that group left did Xu Fang turn around. Seeing me standing by the door, he said anxiously, “He Feng, why are you awake?”
I stared at him blankly: “When did you recover Nie Ran’s memories?”
Xu Fang’s expression changed slightly: “You know everything? You…”
I interrupted: “Do you have a wife?”
Xu Fang couldn’t continue speaking.
My tears fell uncontrollably: “Are you going back to reunite with her?” Xu Fang came to take my hands, but I flung them away: “If you want to go back, then go. I don’t need your pity.”
Xu Fang ignored my struggles and held me tightly, saying urgently, “He Feng, how could I possibly abandon you… She and I haven’t formally bowed in the wedding ceremony yet, so you… don’t be angry with me.”
I tremblingly wiped my eyes. Xu Fang kissed away my tears: “He Feng, I don’t like her. I’ll go back and tell Father that the person I want to marry is you. If they don’t permit it, I’ll take you away. The world is vast—anywhere can be our home.”
His eyes looked at me bright and sparkling. I cried for quite a while before recovering: “You’re not allowed to deceive me.”
Hearing me say this, he untied the jade flute from his waist and placed it in my hands, saying, “If I change my heart, you can use this jade flute to hit my head hard, all right?”
I caressed the jade flute and pouted: “Wouldn’t that be letting you off too easily?”
Xu Fang simply lifted me up and spun me around several times, laughing as he spun. In that moment, I truly thought that no matter whether he was Xu Fang or Nie Ran, he would forever cherish and dote on me as he did right then.
Three days later, we set off for Suiyang.
Xu Fang hired a horse carriage, and I kept complaining about how much of his wages this must cost. He also seemed to think it somewhat extravagant: “If Father insists I marry someone else, I’ll need to steal some of Mother’s jewelry before we elope—that way we’ll be more confident while wandering the world.”
Hearing him speak this way made me somewhat unhappy: “Does your father really like that girl?”
Xu Fang shook his head: “In recent years, His Majesty’s health has been poor, the Crown Prince is young, and Princess Xiangyi assists in governing. The court situation could become turbulent at any time. I am the heir of Marquis Nie, she is the daughter of Chief Minister Zhao. If the Nie and Zhao families could unite in marriage, then…”
I didn’t care about those matters and only asked: “Are you childhood sweethearts?”
Xu Fang hastily denied: “I only considered her a little sister.”
I said: “When you first rescued me, you also told outsiders I was your little sister.”
Xu Fang said solemnly: “Truly, I was attracted to your beauty at first sight—otherwise, whether you jumped off cliffs or not would have been none of my concern.”
I punched him so hard the carriage shook.
Upon reaching Suiyang, Xu Fang settled me in an inn. He changed into a clean scholar’s robe, gave me all the silver, and told me to wait for him at the inn for one night—whether to go or stay, he would tell me tomorrow.
Since losing my memory, I had never spent a night alone. I grabbed his sleeve and wouldn’t let him go, saying perhaps I should follow along. Xu Fang said he absolutely couldn’t let me suffer the slightest harm—he couldn’t guarantee what would happen if he rashly brought me back to the mansion.
I sat to one side feeling wronged. Xu Fang poured me a cup of tea and smiled: “If I can’t return tomorrow, don’t be afraid. Father has probably detained me, but I’ll always find a way to take you away. If he discovers you, he’ll likely send people to persuade you of something—just treat it as wind past your ears and absolutely don’t leave dejectedly like the weak women in opera scripts.”
I finally released his sleeve: “Fine, I can be persistent to the end.”
He kissed my earlobe: “Don’t be afraid, I’ll be with you, He Feng.”
Later, I would often wake from midnight dreams, regretting countless times why I let him go that night.
Xu Fang never came back to find me again.
I stayed at the inn for two days, thinking he was truly under house arrest by his father, so I often disguised myself as a passerby and lingered around the Nie Mansion. Until one day I saw a tall figure in blue robes walking out of the mansion.
He wore his hair in a high topknot, elegant and handsome to the extreme, and his arm was supporting a woman of exceptional beauty. They walked slowly, as if fearing that walking too quickly might cause her to fall.
It was Xu Fang.
I didn’t cry, nor did I rush forward. At that time, I was still fortunate enough to think that Xu Fang was just acting for his father to see.
I followed them for a long distance, until I saw the woman enter a clothing shop to select garments, then I seized the opportunity to intercept Xu Fang.
When he saw me suddenly appear, a trace of confusion arose in his expression. I asked: “Xu Fang, why didn’t you come find me?”
He showed a hint of understanding: “Miss, I’m afraid you’ve mistaken me for someone else.” With that, he turned to leave.
Mistaken for someone else? I grabbed him in disbelief: “Xu Fang, what are you saying? Don’t frighten me.”
Xu Fang respectfully stepped back: “I am not the person Miss is looking for. My surname is Nie.” I was so anxious my tongue tangled: “I know your surname is Nie, you’re Nie Ran, and also Xu Fang…”
Perhaps because my emotions were too agitated, many passersby stopped to watch. Xu Fang waved his hand to shake me off and said sternly: “Miss, please conduct yourself with propriety.”
I was stunned.
Xu Fang would never speak to me in such a tone.
At this moment, the woman walked out of the clothing shop, glanced at me casually, and asked Xu Fang: “Ran Gege, who is she?”
He glanced at me coldly, then turned to the woman, saying gently: “I don’t know her.”
My heart immediately turned ice-cold, helplessness and fear flooding through my entire body.
I suddenly remembered that once before, I had deliberately pretended not to recognize Xu Fang, making him nearly frantic with worry. Later, unable to suppress my laughter, he realized he’d been fooled and was so annoyed he ignored me for half a day.
This time, it was his turn to say he had forgotten me.
How I hoped he would suddenly bend down, laugh heartily, and say, “Hey, you were deceived, weren’t you?”
But I knew it wouldn’t happen.
Looking at his expression—cold, distant, and with a trace of disdain.
That wasn’t how Xu Fang looked at He Feng. That belonged to Nie Ran, the Nie Ran I didn’t know.
He had truly forgotten me.
Watching their retreating figures, I thought that if it ended this simply, then I wouldn’t be He Feng anymore.
Xu Fang would never bear to see He Feng suffer grievances. Then, without Xu Fang’s protection, He Feng would never tolerate herself suffering even the slightest grievance.
I slowly clenched my fists and called out to Xu Fang: “Young Master Nie.”
He and the woman both turned around. Xu Fang frowned: “This miss, I’ve already said…”
I held up two fingers: “One year—does Young Master Nie have any impression of this past year’s memories?”
He first looked blank, then his expression changed: “What do you mean by this, Miss?”
“Young Master Nie clearly understands my meaning.”
Xu Fang looked at me with a dark expression, about to say something, when the woman beside him said: “What nonsense are you spouting? Ran Gege was severely injured and unconscious for a year—what memories could there be?”
Her shrill, affected voice severely interfered with my thinking. I had to examine her anew: “Are you Chief Minister’s daughter, Zhao Yanran?”
She stared at me in astonishment: “You are…”
“You just said Young Master Nie was unconscious for a year. Do you know that if an ordinary person doesn’t wake for a year, their complexion would become withered and their movements impaired due to blocked meridians?” I stared at her intently: “Do you think Young Master Nie currently resembles someone who was unconscious for a year?”
Zhao Yanran was momentarily speechless, not knowing how to refute. Just when I thought there might be a turning point, Xu Fang interrupted with heavy anger: “Enough. If not for Yanran’s devoted care, how could I have awakened? The bond between her and me—how dare you, an outsider, sow discord at will? This miss, regardless of who sent you, whether to obstruct our marriage or for other schemes, if you continue spreading alarmist talk, don’t blame me for not showing consideration for your being a woman!”
He left with Zhao Yanran after saying this, never once looking back at me from beginning to end.
I stood dazedly on the bustling street, letting passersby point and whisper.
Actually, I had no idea what they were saying.
In my mind, Xu Fang’s final words repeated and echoed endlessly, like countless sharp knives cutting into my heart one by one.
I suddenly missed the former Xu Fang terribly, and wanted to say one thing to him.
I wanted to say: Xu Fang, I truly have tried very, very hard not to let anyone hurt me.
But unfortunately, that person is you.
So even He Feng, who fears neither heaven nor earth, is powerless.
Author’s Note:
After nearly a year, finally starting a new story~ Isn’t this exciting~~~ Don’t hesitate to flood me with comments and bookmarks!