Another winter day with piercing cold sounds, the heavy snow never ceased. Nearly twenty years ago, on just such a night, I witnessed my parents’ deaths with my own eyes and had dreamed of them coming back to life. But in that half-dream, half-waking state, I never waited for my brother’s final appearance.
Instead, the dawn was merciless, light cold filling the tower. When I woke again to see the wet earth under the gray sky, I was much calmer and quickly accepted the fact that my brother had already departed. Only the more awake I became, the more pain I felt in my chest. Thinking of the long years ahead, spending the next hundred years utterly alone, I felt life had lost all meaning.
I sighed deeply and lay back down, but couldn’t fall asleep no matter what. Hearing the commotion here, my second sister pushed aside the curtain and entered, bringing the imperial physician and a group of palace servants to attend to me drinking medicine.
Seeing the maidservant’s slow movements, my second sister snatched the medicinal soup and personally stirred it to feed me: “Weiwei, I know you’re heartbroken, but now you carry two lives in one body. You must take good care of yourself.”
I couldn’t react for a moment: “Two lives in one body… what does that mean?”
“The imperial physician said you’re already three months pregnant.” She wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes and said to the physician beside her with relief, “Quick, examine her again.”
The physician responded and came forward to take my pulse, saying: “Your Majesty, the Little Princess’s body is still somewhat weak, but her pulse is stable. Mother and child are safe. She just needs more rest and care now.”
When my monthly cycle hadn’t come before, I had some suspicions. But because I was anxious, I thought it was just irregular menstruation due to my mood. I never expected… I stared ahead woodenly, neither sad nor happy.
My second sister sat beside me, gently stroking my hair and whispering: “For this child’s sake, you must be stronger, you know? Now we just need to wait for Divine Lord Yinze to return, and everything will slowly get better.”
I said, “No need to wait.”
“…What do you mean?”
“Yinze won’t come back.” I lowered my eyelids and lay back on the bed. “Second sister, don’t ask anything. Just leave me alone, alright? I feel very tired and want to rest a bit more.”
My second sister was dumbfounded, wanting to speak but stopping herself. Finally, she patted my shoulder and left with everyone else, leaving only one maidservant to guard the chamber. Thus, the empty chamber instantly became silent. I had that maidservant fetch a book from the bookcase—she pulled out a copy of “Records of the Upper Gods” that I used to love reading.
Thinking back, I originally discovered Yinze’s feelings from this book, and only then dared to confess my heart to him. In the end, I still had to thank this book. At this moment, with dust flying over the vast sea and white snow everywhere, a branch of winter plum entered through the window. The upper god I had been concerned about had returned to the nine heavens above. In the end, he influenced my entire life, yet I left not a half a trace in his. But the one who gave me this book, despite his good intentions, had long since died.
I covered my lower abdomen and held the book, reading for a while, but couldn’t absorb a single word. Only tears blurred the ink marks. Heaven plays tricks on people—taking away my brother, letting that man return to his beloved’s side, yet leaving me with this child that shouldn’t exist. I wondered if this was punishment for my callousness toward my brother. After crying for a long time, I felt very tired, and the clothes draped over my shoulders slipped down. Then I had a dream.
In the dream, night had fallen, and the snow had stopped. There was the sound of ice chunks falling from tree branches. I opened my eyes and found myself sitting in a courtyard piled with auspicious snow. Plum branches cast dark shadows, the moon and snow were pale white, stretching continuously. A familiar figure silently walked through the snow toward me. I looked up and discovered that the person was Yinze.
He still looked as he did when he left Suozhao—black hair like night, azure robes trailing the ground, holding the ink-painted umbrella I had given him. But there was a watery gleam beneath his boots, making the snowy ground shine brightly. He stopped several meters away from me, waved his hand, and used magic to drape my clothes over my shoulders, but didn’t come a step closer: “Wei’er, it’s been months since we’ve seen each other. How have you been lately?”
Tears filled my eyes as I turned my head away: “I don’t want to see you.”
“I know you blame me for betraying you, for mistakenly killing Chenzhi. But things aren’t as simple as you think. Chenzhi’s death was inevitable from the moment Shangyan decided not to let him become a demon. The divine realm cannot tolerate the demon clan—this has been the law since ancient times. Even if he hadn’t died on the battlefield today, once his demonic nature was exposed later, he would have been killed by the gods of the upper realm.”
“You want to say this is the Heavenly Emperor’s fault and has nothing to do with you?” I stood up, and due to my weak body, had to support myself against the plum tree. “If you hadn’t brought him back to save Shangyan, he wouldn’t have died so early! Even if he were killed later, that would be a matter for later! Whatever Shangyan made him become, you let him become. Did you ever consider his feelings?”
Yinze said, “He’s an immortal lord and my disciple. How could he willingly become a demon?”
I smiled bitterly: “You’re truly still so selfish, never considering others’ feelings. Yes, you’re a god, so you naturally view demons as enemies. But my brother is half-demon. He was caught between gods and demons, belonging nowhere. Now that he’s dead, he even has to be sent back to Suozhao. Do you think he would consider himself a true immortal? He saved Zixiu on the battlefield, which shows he still loved that father in his heart, doesn’t it?”
Yinze was stunned and didn’t respond.
“If he had followed his father to become a demon, he wouldn’t have died. Whether becoming a god or a demon, as long as he didn’t die…” I coughed twice, and tears fell. “I’d rather die myself.”
Under the floating sky, moonlight and snow formed a white desert, making Yinze’s face look like an ice sculpture covered in snow. After a long time, he slowly said, “You never told me before that he was so important to you.”
When he said this, I thought of my brother’s past kindness, and my heart felt like it was being cut by knives: “We grew up together, close as siblings. In this world, only Fu Chenzhi is irreplaceable. And only Fu Chenzhi would treat me so well.”
“I understand. That’s very good.” Yinze laughed lightly, his eyes dim. “Since you regard him as so important, I no longer have any attachments. I originally came today to bid you farewell.”
“I already know what I am in your eyes. Even if you hadn’t come to say goodbye, I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Yinze was silent for a long time, but no longer insisted on arguing with me. He just glanced at the lotus pond behind me: “I noticed you’re very fond of that Su Lian. No matter where you go, you love to keep it with you.”
“Mm,” I answered reluctantly. I wasn’t in the mood to chat about such bland topics.
He opened his palm, and the Su Lian bud in the pond gradually rose into the air, landing in his palm. Then a golden light enveloped the Su Lian, penetrating it. The Su Lian became like a lotus lantern, radiating brilliant golden light through its semi-transparent petals. He pushed forward, and the lotus returned to the pond as golden starlike points fell around it, dropping into the water. He glanced at me and said: “You like things that glow like this, don’t you?”
“No.” I turned my head away.
“You looked like you were about to cry just now, but now you’re distracted by looking.” He walked closer to me and smiled faintly. “Auspicious lotus births Buddha’s steps, Su Lian flowers bear children. Su Lian is originally a nourishing medicine. From now on, when I’m not by your side, let this lotus keep you company. Remember to eat more Su Lian seeds—it’s good for our child too.”
Hearing the last sentence, I was stunned. So he knew I was pregnant… I almost rushed over to slap him hard across the face and curse him for being no good, heartless, and fickle, knowing I was pregnant yet treating me this way. But in front of him, I always cared especially about my dignity. I forced back the sadness and anger in my heart, just instinctively covering my stomach, biting my lip until it bled, not letting myself cry.
In an instant, light objects clung to my eyelashes again. Looking up, it was a snowflake. It was going to snow again. He quickly came forward and held the umbrella to shield me from the snow: “I have to go. Go back to your room and rest quickly. Be careful not to get sick.”
“Get lost!!”
I finally erupted in anger, reaching out to push him, but my hand passed through his body, grasping at nothing. I looked at my hands in shock, then raised my head to look at him: “What… what’s going on?”
Snowflakes flew diagonally, also passing through his body. He just smiled without speaking. I said, “Yinze, what tricks are you playing?”
“I’ve wronged you too much in this life.” He smiled slightly, his expression showing unprecedented tenderness. “Wei’er, I only hope we’ll have another life.”
After speaking, just like that illusion twenty years ago, his body transformed into a shower of golden rain and scattered with the wind and snow.
“Yinze… Yinze, come back!”
Waving my hands, I woke from the dream with a start, sitting at the head of the bed and looking around. I found myself still in the chamber. Outside the window was a cold night stretching for thousands of miles, the heavy snow had stopped, and Xuanyue was lying at the foot of the bed, nuzzling my knees. That maidservant heard my cries and quickly called my second sister and the others back in. I covered my chest, panting with unsettled nerves. There were moist tears in the corners of my eyes, but my lips were dry and cracked as if they didn’t belong to me. So it was just a nightmare.
It seemed that my brother’s death, coinciding with the winter snow, reminded me of the night my father and mother died, and also reminded me of the Yinze phantom I had encountered before. I remember that both times I encountered Yinze’s phantom, he was carrying an umbrella. I could no longer remember what that umbrella looked like, but I vaguely recalled that there seemed to be no azure jade ring on his hand… I touched the ring Yinze had given me, but I never could comprehend the connection.
Seven days later, we completed my brother’s funeral with princely rites, placing his tomb in the royal mausoleum behind the altar. Before burial, according to Suozhao’s funeral ceremonies, every royal minister should look at him one last time. My second sister took the lead, went forward to look into the coffin once, then turned her head away, closing her eyes and shedding tears.
Then I also went over and looked at the remains in the coffin. Since that time I held his cold body, I hadn’t dared touch his skin much. But my brother’s appearance was still so familiar, making one especially nostalgic. At this moment, above and below the altar, everyone was crying. Seeing that I lingered without leaving, my second sister quietly advised me with a few words.
But I smiled and waved my hand, saying easily, “Brother is still so handsome, no wonder he charmed so many girls.”
Everyone broke into smiles through their tears. Knowing my brother was actually somewhat vain and always liked to act more mature than his actual age, I straightened his collar and placed a bundle of plum blossoms in his arms: “Brother, after spring comes, I’ll go to Fahua Cherry Plain to pick fresh cherry blossoms for you. I know you prefer cherry blossoms to plum blossoms. This is our little secret.”
After looking at him a few more times, I followed my second sister to the side.
Until beneath the winter plum trees, with dust flying, my brother’s coffin was buried in the soil.
After that, I rarely cried, but my mood never improved. Each day, besides helping my second sister handle state affairs, my only pleasure was going to the pavilion beneath my chambers, before the flowing water and lotus pond, to play the qin and taste wine. Whenever I played slowly against the wind, the qin’s sound like jade, my heart too full of longing for my brother, would become much more peaceful.
When bored, I would talk with Xuanyue. When Xuanyue wasn’t there, I would even talk to the lotus pond. Su Lian truly lived up to being a sacred object of the six realms—it was very spiritually sensitive. Every time I finished speaking, that Su Lian planted in the pond would glow, as if it could understand human speech, its light flickering from time to time. Its red petals were red as fire, its golden stamens golden as the sun—indescribably beautiful. Moreover, this Su Lian was somewhat like a shy maiden—whenever I reached out to touch it, it would be like a mimosa, bashfully closing up.
In the dream, Yinze had told me to eat more Su Lian seeds. Though it was just a dream, Su Lian’s ability to calm pregnancy and provide nourishment was real. So I had people take some lotus seeds to brew medicine. After taking it, I indeed felt restored as before.
Because I spent too much time alone, my second sister felt uneasy and often came to see me, chatting about everyday matters. One afternoon, she brought Kongshu along too. Kongshu saw my qin and asked if he could play a piece. I naturally agreed happily. Then he sat down, his fingertips moving over the strings, frost clearing his brocade sleeves, leaving melancholy sounds in the painted courtyard. Fine snow drifted, thousands of points sweeping the ground, with plum branches jutting out ruggedly, their flowers white as aged heads.
Seeing his lowered head, I thought of that person again. Though he had just entered my dreams not long ago, it felt like ages apart. I wondered where he was now, what he was doing. Unconsciously, I stared into space until Kongshu finished playing and looked up to accidentally meet my gaze. Only then did I hastily look away and talk with my second sister. After chatting for a while, I saw my second sister and Kongshu out, walked outside briefly myself, then returned to the courtyard.
At this moment, crushed jade snow swirled before the pond, and in the curved corridor pavilion stood a graceful young master. His cloud-like hair was slightly curled, his red robes lightly open. Hearing footsteps, he turned around and smiled gently at me. He had a goose-yellow mark on his forehead, and with this smile, the entire courtyard was already glowing brilliantly.
“Second brother-in-law?” I said in amazement. “Why did you come in again? And why are you dressed like this?”
That young master said: “The Little Princess and this humble one meet day and night, spending time together morning and evening. Indeed, you’ve changed your appearance, and the Little Princess no longer recognizes people.”
I touched my chin and looked this young master up and down. At first glance, it was indeed Kongshu without doubt, but looking carefully, though this young master spoke casually, his eyes and brows always carried some romantic charm.
In comparison, Kongshu was reserved and modest in temperament, dignified and uncompromising. He never showed such flirtatious smiles to people, never wore such brightly colored robes, and would wear robes so loosely. Of course, Kongshu had never had such curly black jade seaweed-like hair either.
Looking at this handsome little face, I was somewhat confused: “Young master truly looks exactly like my brother-in-law. May I ask your honored name?”
“This humble one is Su Shu.”
“So it’s Young Master Su, pleased to meet you.” What’s the difference between saying this and saying nothing? I sighed inwardly. “Young Master Su even has the same name as my second brother-in-law. It’s like a thread falling into a needle’s eye—too coincidental.”
Su Shu smiled: “This name was also just taken. Because I saw the Little Princess staring at Master Kong in a daze, I thought the Little Princess probably had some feelings for Master Kong, so I transformed into his appearance and borrowed his name. If the Little Princess doesn’t like it, this humble one can certainly change the name and appearance.”
Hearing him say this, I was even more lost in the fog. But hearing that “Su” character and glancing at the lotus pond, I was shocked—that Su Lian had long since disappeared. Su Lian was originally a red flower with a golden heart. Looking again at Su Shu’s appearance, I was scared enough to twitch the corner of my mouth: “You’re that Su Lian?!”
He didn’t answer directly, only smiled charmingly: “Seeing the Little Princess is pregnant, I transformed into human form to specially come and take care of you. If the Little Princess doesn’t mind…”
What he said after that, I couldn’t listen to anymore. I only remembered that in my previous dream, Yinze had said to me: “From now on, when I’m not by your side, let this lotus keep you company.”
Could it be that the dream was all real? I said urgently, “Why did you suddenly appear at this moment? Who sent you?”
Su Shu thought for a moment and said, “Wasn’t it the Little Princess facing Su Shu day and night that summoned Su Shu out?”
Though the answer had no connection to Yinze, I was already burning with anxiety. I turned and flew out of the chamber, ignoring his calls from behind, and rushed straight to the Exotic Beast Hermitage. I found a Yiniao bird, rode it, and charged into the high sky, heading straight for Azure Dragon Heaven. This was probably the most impulsive journey of my life, and while pregnant at that.
But thinking of what dream-Yinze had said to me at the end, I was scared enough to tremble all over—if that dream was real, what did that phrase “I only hope we’ll have another life” mean? I had once loved him so much, now hated him so much, every day wishing he would have terrible luck, hoping Shangyan would dump him and leave him battered and bruised, to taste the bitter fruit of mistakenly killing my brother.
But I couldn’t imagine life without him. Even if we never met again in this life, even if I never had another chance to see him, I still hoped he could live well… no, live unluckily.
When I reached Tianshi City’s Cangying Manor, I was exhausted to the point of collapse, nearly falling off the Yiniao bird’s back.
It was nighttime. I knocked forcefully on the main gate for a long time before someone came to open it. It was a servant I recognized. He said, “Miss Luowei, you came back?”
“Where is Master? Is he in the manor? Is he well now?” Seeing his confusion, I said anxiously: “Speak quickly! Where is he? How is he now?”
“This… the Divine Lord returned to the divine realm three days ago. He’s not in the manor now.”
Three days ago. So he was fine. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, leaning against the door and panting with difficulty: “Good. Good… as long as he’s safe.”
The servant looked at me with difficulty for a while, then quietly said: “Miss Luowei, you’d better not come back in the future.”
“What do you mean?”
“To be honest, I know something about you and the Divine Lord. But the Divine Lord has already put out word that any visits from Luowei or anyone from the Suozhao clan will be refused. Admittedly, Zhaohua Ji is a peerless beauty, but Miss Luowei’s sincere feelings for him are witnessed by heaven and earth. Yet he changes people again and again—first it was Azure Wu Divine Maiden, then Zhaohua Ji. In my opinion, none of them treat the Divine Lord better than you do. To put it bluntly, I think the Divine Lord is blind. Since he’s so heartless, you shouldn’t come anymore…”
“He… he said he won’t see me?”
“Yes. All of us in the manor think you’re the best. But you know the Divine Lord’s temperament. Since he likes Zhaohua Ji so much, none of us dares to persuade him.”
I was speechless for a long time, then said: “It’s nothing. I just had a nightmare and thought something happened to him. Since he’s well, I’m relieved. I won’t come again in the future.”
Honestly, the servant’s deeply sympathetic gaze made me feel like a pitiful creature. I slowly left the main gate of Cangying Manor and walked down the thousand-step stairway. Starlight stretched long, illuminating the steps. Looking back at the distant high tower, I suddenly remembered a poem I had once written: “Gazing at the lonely peak’s brocade tower, my master’s family of the upper realm.” Now it seemed truly to be a family of the upper realm, separated from me by an eternity.
Because I had exhausted my spiritual power earlier, I was too tired to use magic and could only walk down the steps on foot. However, after just a few steps, I saw the silhouettes of an immortal couple flying down from the sky and landing at Cangying Manor’s entrance. Seeing that person’s back, I suddenly stood up, momentarily forgetting to restrain myself: “Master!”
Yinze turned around and looked at me from afar on the jade steps, his whole body freezing. Then Shangyan beside him also cast a curious glance. Yinze said something to Shangyan, and she nodded, lifting her skirts and entering Cangying Manor. He walked down the steps and stopped before me: “What are you doing here?”
So the Yinze in my dream was indeed something I had imagined. At this moment, he looked no different from before, still with that air of keeping people at a thousand li distance. How could he have become so gentle? I clenched my fists in my sleeves, struggling to maintain calm: “I had a nightmare and thought something happened to you, so I came to check the situation. Since you’re fine, I’ll leave.”
Before I could turn around, he said: “Luowei.”
I turned back to look at him. He stepped forward, gazing coldly into my eyes in the moonlight: “Earlier, you told me to come back and give you an answer. Now the answer is ready.”
“No need to say it. I know. You chose Shangyan.”
As the saying goes, leave a thread of human feeling so we can meet well in the future. Having said this much, it should be enough. From beginning to end, he was the one who wronged me. He should at least feel some guilt, and at the very least, should be afraid to face me. But unexpectedly, this person felt this wasn’t cruel enough and added lightly: “I never loved you.”
“I know.”
“I’ve always felt guilty about mistaking you for Shangyan. If you want any compensation, I’ll give it to you.”
“No need.”
“Since that’s the case, don’t come looking for me anymore.”
“I know.” Enough, I really can’t take it anymore… don’t continue speaking.
“Find a good person in Suozhao to marry. Don’t come to the immortal realm anymore.”
His tone was so indifferent, as if I had never had any relationship with him. Thinking that I still carried his flesh and blood in my belly, I felt like a big joke. But besides enduring the pain, what else could I do?
I choked with difficulty: “These things you’re saying… I know all. No need to emphasize them. What kind of person I am, I know better than you do. I was the one who overestimated myself, insisting on being with you. If I had known it would come to this, I never would have approached you initially, and wouldn’t have pestered you every day…”
He interrupted me: “You also know you were the one pestering me?”
“Yes, I pestered you.”
“You also know you caused me trouble?”
“I know.” Tears were about to spill over. I lowered my head. “Yinze, please, stop talking. Today I’ll leave sensibly and never again…”
Before I could finish speaking, my chin was lifted, a shadow fell before my eyes, and a pair of lips pressed against mine. I stared in shock with wide eyes, but Yinze held my head with both hands, grinding roughly on my lips, then kissing deeply, taking away even my breath. This kiss was even more intense than the first, yet more desperate than the first—just like his previous words, cruel and leaving no room, exhausting all remaining strength…
But halfway through the kiss, he suddenly pushed me away, his eyes looking elsewhere: “Still the same as before. Bland. No matter how many times I kiss you, I can never feel moved by you.”