By Friday, Shang Zhitao had gotten her period.

She felt relieved, without knowing why. She hadn’t realized that she had begun to feel some reluctance about going to Luan Nian’s place.

While accompanying Lu Mi to buy coffee, they ran into Luan Nian discussing business at the coffee shop. After Lu Mi greeted him, she said to Shang Zhitao, “I wonder if he thinks we’re skipping work again?”

“Aren’t we skipping work?” Shang Zhitao blinked innocently. Lu Mi quickly covered her mouth, “You’re going to be the death of me, keep it down! Ice Americano as usual?”

Shang Zhitao shook her head, “No, I’m not feeling well today.” When she said this, her voice was slightly louder than normal, just enough for others to hear. She wanted Luan Nian to hear it, implying that she wouldn’t be going to his place today.

“Oh, I see.” Lu Mi acknowledged with a few “ohs” and asked Shang Zhitao, “Where are you going this weekend?”

“Going out with my roommates.”

“Where to?”

“Mount Wutai.”

“Wow, nice.”

Lu Mi grabbed the coffee and handed Shang Zhitao a hot cup, “You’re always either working or playing. When will you find someone? You’re 25 now, right?”

“Ah… isn’t 25 still young? Sister Grace said she didn’t get married until she was thirty.”

“That’s true. But you still need to date for a few years, right? That friend of mine I told you about two years ago is still single. How about this, let’s have dinner together tonight?”

Shang Zhitao was about to refuse when she suddenly remembered what Luan Nian had said that day: “I have a date with Professor Gong.” Since that day, they had barely exchanged any words except about work. She knew Luan Nian was waiting for her to give in, waiting for her to eagerly run to his house on the weekend, and then things would return to how they had always been—she would still be obedient, and he would still be in control.

“Sure, sounds good.”

“Excellent! I’ll set it up right away!” As the two walked out of the café, Lu Mi glanced back inside and suddenly said to Shang Zhitao, “Holy shit, is Luke glaring at me?”

Shang Zhitao looked inside. Luan Nian was talking to someone, his arm draped over the sofa, his posture relaxed, not looking at them at all.

“Are you feeling guilty about skipping work…?” Shang Zhitao teased her.

“Was it just my imagination? Am I blind?” Lu Mi muttered to herself.

Shang Zhitao very carefully composed a message to Luan Nian: “I’m not feeling well physically, so I won’t be coming to your place this week.” Feeling that the tone seemed a bit harsh, as if she was challenging him, she changed it to: “I’m not feeling well physically, so I won’t be coming to your place this week, okay!” Luan Nian didn’t reply.

That evening, she went to dinner with Lu Mi. Lu Mi’s childhood friend was a chatterbox just like her. As for his appearance, he looked quite wealthy, with various cultural ornaments wrapped around his wrist, a piece of fine jade around his neck, along with turquoise and amber—all very flamboyant. Though it was only spring, he was holding a Kunqu opera fan, making for quite an amusing appearance. The childhood friend immediately said to Shang Zhitao, “Young lady, you’ve got a nice build.”

Shang Zhitao had never heard someone compliment her “build” right off the bat, and her face immediately turned red. Seeing her blush, Lu Mi’s childhood friend was shocked, “Damn, how many years has it been since I’ve seen a girl blush like that?”

Lu Mi kicked him under the table, “Would you shut up already!” She gave Shang Zhitao an apologetic smile, “He’s always like this. He’s not a bad person, just has an annoying mouth. Don’t mind him.” After just a few bites of food, Lu Mi realized what kind of person her childhood friend was. How had she never noticed before? Ultimately, it was because she liked Shang Zhitao, liked her so much that she even felt her wealthy childhood friend wasn’t worthy of her.

Shang Zhitao found them quite amusing and giggled continuously. The meal was incredibly joyful, with Lu Mi constantly hitting her childhood friend, the friend constantly begging for mercy, and Shang Zhitao constantly saying “it’s fine, it’s fine” to mediate. After dinner, the childhood friend said to Shang Zhitao, “Young lady, to be honest, I like you. But I’m not a stable person, and I’m afraid you might suffer later. If you…”

“Would you shut up already!” Lu Mi hit him, “What do you mean ‘if’? There’s no ‘if’! Look at yourself in the mirror! It’s been over a year since we’ve met, and you’ve become such a blabbermouth! Get lost!” After scolding him, she pulled Shang Zhitao away.

They had walked halfway around the Back Lake, and Lu Mi was still apologizing, “I’m really sorry, that was so embarrassing. He wasn’t like this before.”

“It’s fine. I thought he was quite funny. I laughed so much during dinner that my stomach hurt.” The two walked arm in arm, and Shang Zhitao finally remembered about Kitty reporting her for taking bribes, so she asked Lu Mi for advice, “How should I handle this matter?”

“Well, I could also say he’s having an affair with the leadership! Does whatever she says go? How is that possible? What did Manager Wang say?”

“I called Manager Wang, but he didn’t answer.”

“He didn’t answer?”

“No.”

If Wang didn’t answer her call, there might be a problem, but Shang Zhitao was not afraid since she had acted with integrity. Lu Mi glanced at her, vaguely feeling that the situation wasn’t simple: “That Kitty must be up to something.”

“I don’t know.”

“Take it one step at a time. If things don’t work out, you can find Luke. He’s your boss now, shouldn’t he step in when someone in his department is being wronged?”

Shang Zhitao remained silent. She hadn’t told Lu Mi how she felt that Luan Nian didn’t trust her. This feeling of distrust from Luan Nian made her sadder than ever before, so sad that she could barely breathe whenever she thought about it.

She didn’t understand why she had to seek Luan Nian’s approval. Was his approval really that important?

It was in the middle of the night, when the spring night had already deepened, that she stared at the moon and cloud shadows outside, suddenly realizing that although she claimed to be upright and unconcerned about being reported, she had still taken it to heart.

Although she felt a bit frightened and had many difficulties to endure, she still didn’t want to ask Luan Nian for help. She felt it would be meaningless.

The next morning, when she got up early to depart, the dark circles under her eyes were still visible. Zhang Ling came to pick them up in his car. He had been promoted again and now had a large SUV. Four people and one dog—it was like they were back to how they were at the beginning. They drove toward Shanxi.

During those years, the highways were always under construction, and after driving for a while, they would encounter bumpy roads. The group bounced around in the car, laughing and joking. Luke occasionally let out a bark from the trunk, adding to the festive atmosphere.

By the time they reached Mount Wutai, it was already evening.

They ate a vegetarian meal amid the scent of incense and candles, then spent some time admiring the moon. Sun Yuanzhu carried his beloved camera, photographing people’s silhouettes under the moonlight. Four shadows sat side by side in the courtyard, none of them wanting to sleep, all eagerly anticipating offering the first incense of the next day. Everyone seemed to have many wishes.

Shang Zhitao had brought two nut carvings she had bought during her business trip to Suzhou, intending to have them blessed. A person who previously believed in nothing suddenly felt she was having bad luck these days and wanted to find some way to ward it off. To seek peace of mind and smooth sailing.

The two nut carvings were of two adorable children, one boy and one girl. The boy was herding cattle, and the girl was reading. Hand-carved, each costs over a thousand yuan. She didn’t know why she had been drawn to these two little trinkets, but had ended up buying them.

She hoped that when the master blessed them, he would recite a few more sutras, so the Buddha would hear.

“What will you pray for tomorrow when you burn incense?” Shang Zhitao asked Sun Yu.

She thought for a moment and said, “I’ll pray for my beloved to have a long life and for my career to go smoothly.”

“What if you could only pray for one thing?”

“Then I would pray for my beloved to have a long life.”

There was a faint glimmer of tears in Sun Yu’s eyes, but by the time she lowered and raised her head again, the tears had disappeared. Occasionally, she would glance at Sun Yuanzhu, her eyes holding something Shang Zhitao couldn’t understand.

“What will you pray for?” Zhang Ling asked Shang Zhitao.

“I… for my career…” Shang Zhitao lied. What did she want to pray for? She wanted to pray for love.

Everyone else had fallen asleep, but Shang Zhitao stood in the courtyard and made a call to Luan Nian. It was a bit noisy on Luan Nian’s end. Shang Zhitao asked him, “Where are you?”

“At the bar.”

“Is there an event today?”

“Yes.”

The late spring evening breeze blew against her, trying to wake her up. But Shang Zhitao was just twenty-five years old, at an age of eager pursuit. If she couldn’t figure something out, it would occupy her mind until she did.

“Luan Nian, I have something I want to tell you.”

“Hold on.” Luan Nian walked out of the bar and stood in the parking lot in front. The late spring evening breeze also blew against him. He felt his heartbeat might be a bit faster than usual, or perhaps that was just an illusion.

“Luan Nian, I have a lot to say to you. Let me start from the very beginning.”

“I’m not a casual person. I’ve had one true relationship before. Before you, I never had a one-night stand, and I haven’t had one since.”

“At the beginning, I couldn’t see my feelings. I didn’t understand why we had to start that way. As time went on, I slowly got to know you… I privately thought I understood you better than others…”

“I started wanting more. Luan Nian, I want to ask you…” Shang Zhitao stopped speaking. She still had one more chance to say nothing, to continue pretending, to continue weaving the beautiful dream that Luan Nian might also love her a little. But she couldn’t anymore. Four years had passed; if there were things she hadn’t received in four years, why would they come now? They wouldn’t. Shang Zhitao didn’t want this chance anymore.

“I want to ask you, can we date like normal couples? Dating, raising a dog together—I think you quite like Luke too—watching movies, eating meals, shopping, cooking together, and if possible, further down the line, at the appropriate time, getting married, having one or two children…” These were all the fragmented, beautiful imaginings she had about Luan Nian over the years. She didn’t often dream, but occasionally, she had one or two dreams like this. She truly liked Luan Nian, even more than she had liked Xin Zhaozhou. She liked him so much that she felt she would never like any other man in her life. She was so foolish.

Shang Zhitao finished speaking and quietly waited for Luan Nian’s verdict. But Luan Nian said nothing, and Shang Zhitao didn’t know what he was thinking. So she said, “Can you say something?”

Luan Nian finally spoke. He said, “I hope you will calm down. Because I don’t plan to change the current state of our relationship. I’m not prepared to take another step forward.”

“Why? I thought that after being together for four years, many things would have changed. At least it would be deeper than at the beginning.” Her voice and hands trembled slightly, but she didn’t notice.

“Things have changed, but not to the extent that I feel I should date or marry you. You’re still young and not steadfast about everything. Although you say now that you want to be with me, tomorrow you’ll still go to a matchmaking event, to meet different men. I’m not willing to date someone like you.”

“I was just helping Sun Yu.”

“Really?” Luan Nian asked her, “Are you sure? You’re just helping Sun Yu, so you attend matchmaking events every week; you just want to spend time with friends, so you have an ambiguous living situation with a man. I’m sorry, but I think we’re better suited as friends with benefits.”

Shang Zhitao didn’t speak. She didn’t know what to say. The impulse from just now was self-humiliation. She suddenly realized that Luan Nian’s apparent concern for her was just a grand illusion she had created.

“I understand.”

Shang Zhitao hung up the phone.

In everyone’s life, there will be a completely uncontrolled, reckless, all-out moment without considering the consequences. It was good, actually; the other shoe had finally dropped in her heart.

Luan Nian hung up and walked back into the bar. Tan Mian asked him, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“But you look unhappy.”

“I’m quite happy.”

The bar was lively, but he sat inside looking somewhat detached. Gong Yue asked him, “Still not drinking today?”

“No.”

“Shall we go for a walk together then?”

“No.”

Luan Nian stood up. He couldn’t pinpoint what he was feeling. He had never feared rejecting people and was best at it, doing so decisively several times a year. He had never felt bad about it. Today was the first time he felt something stuck in his heart. He didn’t want to be constrained by love. All relationships, when they became more intimate, began to involve mutual restrictions, possessiveness, and trivial matters. Luan Nian didn’t like that. Although his feelings for Shang Zhitao were different, Luan Nian didn’t think they were intense enough to enter the stage of love.

He was too arbitrary.

He called others immature, but he was the most immature of all.

Shang Zhitao still had the master bless the two little figurines, one for herself and one for Luan Nian. Her wishes were modest—that they would sleep soundly and their days would go smoothly.

On the way down the mountain, there was a tree with branches stretching out, already beginning to show some of summer’s lushness. Shang Zhitao tied the boy figurine herding cattle to it. Through the crevices of the carved grooves, a slender light shone through, making the boy’s face glow red.

Like the first awakening of love in one’s life.

But such times would never come again.