HomeFalling In LoveZhui Luo - Chapter 42

Zhui Luo – Chapter 42

Zhou Wan gradually calmed down under Lu Xixiao’s deep, low voice. She was still crying, but no longer hysterical.

Lu Xixiao didn’t try to console her, just gently patted her back, letting her cry.

His shoulder became wet over and over again.

Zhou Wan had once seen something online about how crying was detoxifying. All the tears from these days were released in this outburst, and that stone blocking her heart finally became somewhat smoother, its edges less sharp.

“Wan-wan.”

Lu Xixiao was still kneeling on the floor, not knowing how long he’d been there, his knees numb.

He wiped the tears from Zhou Wan’s face, and kissed her cheek, “Are you hungry? Want to eat something?”

Zhou Wan didn’t feel hungry, but she nodded anyway.

After releasing her suppressed emotions, she finally became more clear-headed, realizing that in that moment earlier, she might have truly had thoughts of ending her life.

She didn’t want that, so she needed to go out for a walk.

“Then let’s go,” Lu Xixiao said.

“Wait,” Zhou Wan sniffled, “I want to change clothes.”

She hadn’t bathed or changed clothes for three days.

Zhou Wan went into the bedroom, showered, washed up, and changed into clean clothes.

She came out and looked at Lu Xixiao: “Let’s go.”

They went to that noodle shop again.

Uncle Kang had also heard about Zhou Wan’s grandmother and offered his condolences, which Zhou Wan thanked him for.

Uncle Kang even gave her three liang of noodles for the price of two. Though Zhou Wan had little appetite, she understood his kindness and forced herself to eat quite a bit.

After eating, they went to the supermarket next door.

Lu Xixiao bought a bottle of water, opened it, and handed it to Zhou Wan.

She didn’t say much along the way, and Lu Xixiao wasn’t talkative either, just quietly keeping her company.

Returning home in the evening, Lu Xixiao went to open all the curtains and windows. Dust motes danced in the sunset’s rays.

He went to the kitchen, checking again why there had been a gas leak earlier.

Probably some problem with the pipes. Though it could be fixed, Lu Xixiao wasn’t comfortable letting Zhou Wan continue living here alone. It would trigger memories, and he worried something might happen again.

“Wan-wan.”

“Mm.”

“Come stay at my place.”

Zhou Wan paused her movements, turning to look at him.

Lu Xixiao said: “You can move back when you’re feeling better. Stay at my place these days, there’s a room available, it’s just sitting empty anyway.”

“Okay.”

Lu Xixiao hadn’t expected her to agree so easily. When he looked at Zhou Wan again, she was already sitting on the sofa, head turned to watch the sunset painting everything outside.

Quiet, heavy, and fragile.

Lu Xixiao walked into Zhou Wan’s bedroom without a word, pulled out a suitcase from the cabinet, and took out all her winter clothes from the wardrobe, throwing them into the suitcase.

Zhou Wan didn’t have many clothes; they fit perfectly in one suitcase.

He found another bag and threw in various toiletries and daily necessities.

“Anything else you need to take?” Lu Xixiao came out to ask.

Zhou Wan looked at the things in the bag: “That’s about it.”

“Mm, then let’s go,” Lu Xixiao said, “If you’re missing anything, I’ll come back for it later.”

“Thank you,” Zhou Wan said softly.

The sun was setting, clouds burning in the sky, painting the entire horizon in rich colors like a vivid oil painting.

Lu Xixiao pulled the suitcase with one hand, the bag hanging from its handle.

His other hand held Zhou Wan’s as they walked silently toward home.

Lu Xixiao’s house had many rooms, but they hadn’t been lived in for a long time.

He checked the blankets in the guest room closet; they all had a musty smell from lack of sunning, unusable.

“You sleep in my room tonight,” Lu Xixiao said.

Zhou Wan looked up: “What about you?”

“I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

Zhou Wan frowned slightly, wanting to refuse, but knowing Lu Xixiao wouldn’t change his mind once decided, and lacking the energy to argue, she just nodded and said: “Okay.”

After dinner, Lu Xixiao went out alone.

He went to the mall to buy a new blanket and pillow, then to the furniture store next door to buy Zhou Wan new pajamas and slippers.

After buying everything, he hurried home.

The whole trip took less than half an hour.

When he got home, Zhou Wan was sitting and staring into space again.

Lu Xixiao’s steps faltered, and he paused, quietly steadying his breathing without showing it.

“Wan-wan.”

Zhou Wan turned to look at him.

“You haven’t been resting well these days, go to bed early tonight.”

She nodded like a mechanical doll: “Okay.”

*

Lu Xixiao set his alarm for 6:30 AM, thinking if Zhou Wan wanted to go to school, he’d accompany her.

At 6:30, he woke up right on time. It was still dark outside. After a quick wash-up, he left the bedroom. Zhou Wan’s door was still closed, with no movement.

He went over quietly, gently turning the doorknob.

In the darkness, Zhou Wan lay on her side, back to the door, black hair spread across the bed, seemingly still asleep.

Lu Xixiao didn’t wake her, quietly retreating.

Zhou Wan was too exhausted; this was her first sleep since her grandmother’s passing.

Perhaps it was the change in environment allowing a temporary escape from those memories, or perhaps it was the bed carrying Lu Xixiao’s familiar scent.

When she woke, the sky was still gloomy.

Zhou Wan sat up in bed and looked at the time – one o’clock in the afternoon.

She changed out of her pajamas and went to open the curtains.

It was raining, no wonder it was so dark.

Zhou Wan left the bedroom, didn’t see Lu Xixiao, walked further out, turned, and saw his silhouette in the kitchen, which was full of smoke and a burnt smell.

She paused: “Lu Xixiao?”

He turned: “You’re awake.”

“Mm.” Zhou Wan walked over, “What are you doing?”

“Bought takeout, it got cold, wanted to heat it for when you woke.” Hearing her approaching footsteps, Lu Xixiao immediately pulled her wrist back, “Stay back.”

“…”

Zhou Wan pressed her lips together lightly, “Let me.”

It could have been done simply in the microwave; Zhou Wan didn’t know what Lu Xixiao had done to make such a mess of the kitchen.

She tried to salvage the situation, but Lu Xixiao couldn’t stand watching anymore, pulling her wrist toward the door: “Forget it, it’s all inedible now, let’s order something else.”

Zhou Wan sat at the dining table, watching Lu Xixiao look down at his phone choosing restaurants.

He selected one and showed Zhou Wan his phone: “Want to eat this?”

“Sure.”

After eating, it was still raining outside.

The rain fell steadily, endlessly, the sky as dark as night.

Lu Xixiao put the takeout bags in the outside garbage bin and came back: “What do you want to do now?”

“Don’t know.”

“Want to go to school?”

Zhou Wan paused, her eyes moving slightly, then shook her head: “Don’t want to.”

“Alright.” Lu Xixiao didn’t say or ask anything more.

But he couldn’t let Zhou Wan continue like this, doing nothing. With nothing to do, she’d just overthink things. He needed to find her something to do. After a while, Lu Xixiao said: “Play games with me.”

Not a question, but a statement.

Zhou Wan nodded compliantly.

He brought his phone, and sat beside Zhou Wan, opening a game app he hadn’t touched in a long time.

Zhou Wan sat next to him, feet up on the sofa, arms hugging her legs, quietly watching him play.

After two rounds, Lu Xixiao asked: “Have you played before?”

Zhou Wan shook her head.

Then seeing Lu Xixiao was focused on the screen and couldn’t see her gesture, she spoke: “No.”

When the initial loading finished, Lu Xixiao handed the phone to Zhou Wan: “Try it.”

“I don’t know how.”

Lu Xixiao smiled: “I’ll teach you.”

Zhou Wan took the phone, pressing the “Start” button. After watching Lu Xixiao play two rounds, Zhou Wan knew some basic operations but wasn’t skilled yet, and was soon “mobbed” by others.

Lu Xixiao reached out, wrapping his arm around her shoulders, virtually embracing her from behind, his chin resting in the crook of her neck, his long, bony fingers lightly covering the back of her hand, guiding her finger movements.

He whispered in her ear: “Like this―”

Zhou Wan paused, her dark lashes trembling.

His magnetic voice was by her ear, his scent in her nose, a clean shower gel smell, no tobacco.

“You haven’t been smoking lately?”

Lu Xixiao chuckled at her lack of focus on the game, while continuing to guide her fingers, saying: “No, forgot about it.”

The round ended with Lu Xixiao helping her turn defeat into victory.

He maintained his previous position, putting down the phone, one hand loosely holding Zhou Wan’s waist while leaning forward to reach for the cigarette pack on the coffee table.

Zhou Wan had to lean forward with him.

“You mentioning it makes me want to smoke.” He put a cigarette between his lips, suddenly pausing before lighting it, asking, “Can I?”

Zhou Wan nodded.

She watched a spark of fire reflect in her pupils as he lit up. His cheeks hollowed slightly as he took a deep drag, then turned his head, sharp jawline defined, exhaling smoke to the side.

“Does smoking help you forget your troubles?” Zhou Wan watched him intently.

“Not really.”

“Then why do you still smoke?”

“Stress relief.”

Zhou Wan held out her hand: “Can I have one?”

Lu Xixiao looked at Zhou Wan through the blue-white smoke, raising an eyebrow: “No.”

Zhou Wan withdrew her hand: “Then I want to drink.”

She was allergic to alcohol; the last time she’d drunk a little, she’d broken out in red hives.

Lu Xixiao tugged at the corner of his mouth, pulling out another cigarette: “Better stick to smoking.”

Zhou Wan reached for it, but he suddenly raised his hand, keeping it from her reach.

Zhou Wan looked at him.

Lu Xixiao said: “Just this one.”

“Okay.”

Zhou Wan took the cigarette, copying his actions by putting it to her lips.

Lu Xixiao cradled the back of her head, suddenly leaning in to light her cigarette with his own.

Zhou Wan took a drag, the cigarette tip glowing red.

She was still copying Lu Xixiao, but it was her first time smoking, and she inhaled too hard, immediately choking her throat, making her cough violently until her eyes watered.

“How is it?”

Zhou Wan’s face was red as she shook her head.

Lu Xixiao pulled the cigarette from her, stubbing it out in the ashtray: “Now you know what it tastes like, don’t smoke anymore.”

Zhou Wan coughed for a long time before stopping, but her tears wouldn’t stop. She leaned back into Lu Xixiao’s embrace, head resting on his shoulder, arm covering her eyes.

She choked out: “But I feel so bad, my heart keeps hurting… would smoking make it hurt less…”

Lu Xixiao grabbed her face, turning her head toward him, kissing her.

His lips and teeth were full of rich tobacco taste, his breath and tongue carrying a slightly bitter flavor, surrounding Zhou Wan. That sharp and spicy sensation seemed to seep through her pores.

Lu Xixiao held her face, overwhelming Zhou Wan with an undeniable sense of invasion.

After a long time, Lu Xixiao finally released her.

Their breaths intertwined, impossible to tell which was his and which was Zhou Wan’s.

He stared into Zhou Wan’s eyes, saying softly: “Have you heard this saying?”

“What?”

“Your grandmother has just stepped out of time, becoming the most basic components of the universe – molecules and atoms, slowly rebuilding into other things around you. In the future, the tree that shelters you from wind and rain will be her, and the sweater that protects you from cold will be her. She’s only disappeared as your grandmother, but actually, she’ll be everywhere from now on.”

Zhou Wan fell silent.

“Grandmother will always be with you in the future, at any time, in any form.” Lu Xixiao whispered in her ear, his voice gentle yet firm, “And so will I.”

*

In the following days, Zhou Wan didn’t go to school, so Lu Xixiao stayed home with her every day. He kept his phone on silent, barely looking at it, isolating themselves from the world together.

They slept until they naturally woke, sometimes ordering takeout, or going out to eat.

Lu Xixiao tinkered with an old tape player Shen Lan used to use, went to the video store to rent some old movie discs, and in the evenings they’d curl up in the room with the curtains drawn watching movies.

At night, sometimes they’d go out to wander around the supermarket or mall, sometimes stay home playing games.

Zhou Wan was kept busy every day, making things somewhat bearable.

That Sunday, Zhou Wan came out of the bedroom and Lu Xixiao was unexpectedly not there.

On the dining table was a still-warm breakfast and a note in Lu Xixiao’s handwriting.

It read: Gone out for a bit, back later, call me if you need anything.

Zhou Wan picked up the note, folded it in half, put it in her pocket, and sat down to eat breakfast.

Too much had happened recently.

Zhou Wan had completely forgotten that today was March 25th, her birthday.

Lu Xixiao had ordered the cake last night. He still hadn’t found the right time to give Zhou Wan the twenty thousand yuan he’d won from the motorcycle competition.

Originally, he didn’t want her to struggle so much, thinking she could use it for her grandmother’s medical treatment. Afraid of triggering painful memories, he hadn’t given it to her yet, and now it could be used to buy her a birthday present.

Lu Xixiao had received countless gifts but was bad at giving them.

He wandered around the mall but couldn’t find a suitable birthday gift, a gift for her 17th birthday.

Remembering how few winter clothes she had when he’d packed her suitcase, Lu Xixiao bought her several pieces of clothing, and under the enthusiastic sales assistant’s recommendation, bought a matching black down jacket for himself – Zhou Wan’s was white.

Carrying several bags out of the mall, he still felt that just giving clothes wasn’t enough, wasn’t meaningful enough.

Wandering on the street, he suddenly stopped, seeing large black illuminated letters spelling “TATTOO” on a sign.

Looking up, the shop’s name was “Nan Nan.”

Though the name sounded gentle and romantic, the overall black, grey, and white color scheme and powerful strokes made it stand out.

Lu Xixiao stood there for a few seconds before walking in.

“Welcome.” One of the staff stood up, “What would you like to get?”

Lu Xixiao didn’t speak, instead looking at the display wall covered in various tattoo designs.

The shop often got customers like this, not tattoo enthusiasts, usually acting on impulse or wanting something for personal commemoration.

Li Yan took an album from the shelf: “You can look through this first.”

Lu Xixiao took it, thanking her.

Just then, a blue-haired woman emerged from the back room, thin and capable-looking, but with a distinctly Jiangnan air about her, a contradictory existence like the shop’s name.

While removing her gloves and throwing them in the trash, she said: “Li Yan, go ahead and do the tattoo inside, I’ll handle this.”

“Okay.”

Xu Zhinan walked to the counter, looked at Lu Xixiao, and asked: “Decided what you want?”

“I want to tattoo characters.”

“Sure, what characters?”

“Zhou Wan.”

Xu Zhinan paused slightly, as if remembering something, then came back to herself, smiled, and said: “Your girlfriend’s name?”

“Mm.”

Many couples came to get their names tattooed, usually together, to commemorate their current passionate love.

But she’d also seen too many who regretted it after breaking up, wanting to remove or cover up their ex’s name.

Out of kindness, Xu Zhinan always warned before tattooing that once it’s done, if you regret it later, removal is very painful and might not be completely successful – it becomes part of your flesh and blood forever.

Lu Xixiao had come alone, so Xu Zhinan didn’t need to worry about wording. Seeing how young he was, she directly reminded him, asking if he was sure, suggesting he could use a symbolic design instead.

Lu Xixiao gave a light laugh, appearing casual and indifferent: “I’m sure.”

“Alright,” Xu Zhinan asked, “Where do you want it?”

Lu Xixiao thought for a moment: “Collarbone.”

“The collarbone area has thin skin and little flesh, it will hurt more.”

“Mm.”

Xu Zhinan took out a drawing board, and wrote “Zhou Wan” in the corner, considering what font would look best for these characters when Lu Xixiao asked: “Can I write it?”

Xu Zhinan paused, and handed him the board: “Sure.”

Lu Xixiao wrote down – Zhou Wan.

He didn’t try to write it particularly neatly, just his normal handwriting, the strokes of “Zhou” flowing smoothly, the final stroke of “Wan” drawn very long.

Not particularly artistic, but genuine.

Like a seventeen or eighteen-year-old youth, clean as mountain wind, pure as white snow.

Without pretense, openly offers his true heart, even that touch of boldness and willfulness carrying a uniquely youthful romance.

Lu Xixiao wanted to write “Zhou Wan” by hand and carve it into himself.

Merge it into his blood.

He still didn’t believe in forever.

He didn’t believe anything could remain unchanged forever and found it hard to imagine two people staying together forever.

But if it was Zhou Wan, he was willing to use the most foolish method to bind himself to her forever, merged into bone and blood, inseparable.

This wasn’t a 17th birthday gift for Zhou Wan.

This was a promise he made to himself on Zhou Wan’s 17th birthday, known only to him.

Though I don’t believe in it, I’m willing to try with all my might.

Xu Zhinan applied anesthetic for Lu Xixiao, printed out his handwritten “Zhou Wan,” placed it on his collarbone, and began outlining with focused attention.

The tattoo needle pricked into his skin rapidly, spreading fine pinpricks of pain throughout his body.

Lu Xixiao didn’t make a single sound of pain throughout.

Li Yan finished covering up the previous customer’s tattoo in the back room, came out to look, and immediately laughed: “This side getting a girlfriend’s name, that side covering up an ex’s name.”

Xu Zhinan glanced at her, saying softly: “Li Yan.”

Li Yan immediately made a zipping motion across her lips, sat beside Xu Zhinan, and casually asked: “Handsome, how long have you been with your girlfriend?”

Lu Xixiao never kept track of such things, thought for a moment, and said: “Four or five months.”

Li Yan raised her eyebrows: “Surprising, a handsome guy like you being such a romantic.”

Getting your girlfriend’s name tattooed after just four or five months.

Lu Xixiao looked at her, understanding what she meant, tugged at the corner of his mouth, and laughed: “No one’s forcing you to be mute.”

“…”

This kind of tattoo was done quickly. Xu Zhinan checked it over, confirming it matched his handwriting, removed her gloves, and stood up, explaining all the aftercare instructions to Lu Xixiao.

Finally, Xu Zhinan said: “I hope you and your girlfriend find your way.”

“Thank you.” Lu Xixiao paid and left the tattoo shop.

*

On his way home, Lu Xixiao picked up the birthday cake and bought some food.

Arriving home, Zhou Wan was sitting on the sofa watching a movie, heard him and said: “You’re back.”

She turned her head, saw all the bags Lu Xixiao was carrying, paused, and got up to help him, “Why did you buy so much?”

Lu Xixiao didn’t let her take them, put them directly on a nearby table, and gave her the two bags of clothes.

“For me?” She was surprised.

“Mm.”

“Why did you buy so much.” Zhou Wan blinked, feeling her nose tingle, and said softly, “Lu Xixiao, don’t be so good to me.”

“Today’s special.” Lu Xixiao lightly flicked her forehead, “Forgot?”

“What?”

“Zhou Wan.” He chuckled.

Zhou Wan fell silent at his laughter and magnetic voice.

Lu Xixiao said: “Happy seventeenth birthday.”

Zhou Wan was stunned.

He said it with utmost seriousness, like a forceful wind bringing Zhou Wan strength – seventeen-year-old Zhou Wan, you must be happy.

Lu Xixiao drew the curtains, turned off the lights, and lit the birthday candles.

This was the first time Zhou Wan heard him sing, his voice deep and steady, like a gentle whisper in her ear, singing Happy Birthday.

The room was lit by the warm candlelight.

Even this winter day felt much warmer.

Zhou Wan didn’t know why, but while her lips were smiling, her eyes grew red.

Lu Xixiao was just too good to her.

So good that she didn’t dare think about the future, loving him while hating herself.

“Make a wish, Zhou Wan,” Lu Xixiao said.

She pressed her palms together, closed her eyes, and before the flickering flame in the darkness, sincerely whispered: “I hope Lu Xixiao will always have everything go his way, and become who he wants to be.”

Lu Xixiao laughed: “It’s your birthday, why make a wish for me?”

“I don’t have any other wishes.”

Zhou Wan truly had no other wishes.

What she wanted couldn’t come true, and she didn’t want anything else.

“Make another one.”

Zhou Wan thought for a while, still couldn’t think of anything: “Can I… owe you one?”

“Sure.” Lu Xixiao smiled, “I’ll be here anyway, tell me when you think of it.”

I’ll make your wish come true.

Zhou Wan blew out the candles, and when the light went out, the room fell into darkness.

She got up to turn on the lights, but Lu Xixiao caught her hand, guiding it to his body, near his collarbone.

Lu Xixiao had originally thought getting her name tattooed on himself would be a birthday gift, and his promise to 17-year-old Zhou Wan.

But at this moment, he felt too shy to pull down his collar to show her.

It felt deliberate and affected.

A feeling similar to hesitation when nearing home spread through him.

So Lu Xixiao just held Zhou Wan’s hand, placing it below his collarbone, which still ached faintly.

He spoke in the darkness, saying softly: “Zhou Wan, you have wings.”

You can fly.

Once, in her diary, Zhou Wan had compared herself to a kite – even if made in the shape of a soaring eagle, it could never escape the controlling string behind it.

Once it flew too far, it would be pulled back, repeatedly tugged back and forth.

Zhou Wan paused, her hand resting on his collarbone involuntarily curling.

Her fingertips brushed over the name beneath his sweater.

“You can fly freely wherever you want to go, and I’ll be the mountain where you can rest.”

They were two people abandoned by the world.

Meeting by chance, carving out a new small world at the edges.

Lu Xixiao’s voice was level and mild, yet heavy and firm: “Zhou Wan, happy 17th birthday.”

“We still have our future ahead of us, nothing is set in stone yet, and everything can still be changed.”

“So it’s okay, Zhou Wan. Everyone experiences loss, feels pain, cries, breaks down, but all of this will pass.”

“And I will light candles, and accompany you until you reach the brightly lit path.”

*

— The nights of life aren’t so bad; the darker the night, the more beautiful the moon and stars become.

Just like the youth gazing at her now.

Brave, forthright, and bold.

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