Zhou Wan still clearly remembered the first time she saw Lu Xixiao.

It was during the two-week military training in mid-August, before the official start of high school after she passed the entrance exam.

Under the scorching summer sun, with the air so stifling it felt like a single spark could cause an explosion, formations of students were arranged around the field, all in dark green military uniforms.

Zhou Wan was introverted and slow to warm up to others.

She had attended an ordinary middle school, and among those who made it to Yangming High School, she only knew Jiang Yan.

So when everyone gathered together chattering and playing during breaks, Zhou Wan could only sit alone in the shade, quietly drinking water.

That was when she first noticed Lu Xixiao.

She didn’t know his name at the time.

He was often late to military training and got scolded by their instructor several times, but he didn’t care at all, hands in his pockets, maintaining a casual and carefree demeanor.

She had never met someone like him before.

Unruly and untameable, yet honest and straightforward.

They were complete opposites.

Zhou Wan grew curious because of this, and would secretly glance at him during breaks.

Even before school started, he had many friends, naturally becoming the center of attention.

He stood in the shade, tall and long-legged, the oversized military training uniform doing nothing to diminish his height. He held a cigarette between his fingers, wearing a faint smile, his features exuding charm.

A girl approached him – tall, beautiful, and confident.

She said something to him, probably asking for his number.

Lu Xixiao gave it to her.

Zhou Wan blinked and looked away.

…

Halfway through military training, one afternoon she felt dizzy from heatstroke, and the instructor allowed her to rest in the infirmary.

The infirmary was crowded with both genuinely sick people and those pretending to be ill.

It was too stuffy, so Zhou Wan didn’t stay. After drinking some Huoxiang Zhengqi water, she left the infirmary and walked around the campus, eventually finding a secluded spot under a tree to sit.

Soon after, she heard something from above and behind her.

Zhou Wan turned around and looked up.

Behind her was the wall, and a hand reached over it, followed quickly by a leg. The movements were swift – before Zhou Wan could see what was happening, he had already jumped down and was standing steadily in front of her.

Lu Xixiao noticed her too, raising an eyebrow.

Zhou Wan quickly shook her head slightly and looked away.

He was holding a bag, which he lifted and opened, making rustling sounds as he searched through it.

An ice-cold cola was tossed over, drawing an arc in the air.

Zhou Wan frantically caught it, then was startled by the cold, her hand slipped, and the can fell onto the lawn. She quickly picked it up.

Her palm pressed against the ice-cold can, making even the midsummer heat drop a few degrees.

Lu Xixiao looked back and said casually, “Hush money.”

After saying that, he turned and left.

Zhou Wan stared at his retreating figure until he disappeared around the corner, only then realizing what he had said.

After military training ended, Zhou Wan didn’t see him again and still didn’t know his name.

One day after school, she was walking home with Gu Meng and they stopped at a convenience store to buy water.

Zhou Wan was walking with her head down, and when she pushed open the door, she bumped into someone. She jumped in surprise, instinctively stepping back to make way, but nearly fell off the steps.

A sharp scent of tobacco entered her nostrils, and a firm force steadied her waist, letting go once she was stable.

She looked up, her pupils involuntarily dilating.

The young man had a cigarette in his mouth and didn’t look at her, simply stepping aside to pass by her and walk out, as if he had just casually helped steady her.

Zhou Wan’s gaze followed him.

“Wan Wan! Did you see that guy just now!” Gu Meng exclaimed excitedly.

Zhou Wan quickly withdrew her gaze: “Huh?”

“He’s from Class 7 of Year 1, called Lu Xixiao. School just started but he’s already the campus heartthrob,” Gu Meng said. “I heard there’s a super pretty senior from Year 2 pursuing him.”

Lu Xixiao.

So that was his name – Lu Xixiao. Zhou Wan learned his name.

This should have been something the whole school knew, yet it became a secret buried in her heart.

Lu Xixiao rarely came to school, and when he did, he was either late or left early. Zhou Wan didn’t see him often, and when she did, he was usually surrounded by various beautiful girls.

Zhou Wan didn’t feel sad about it.

Her feelings had been sentenced to fade away in her heart from the start, never harboring any hope, never having any expectations, and thus there was no disappointment.

…

Then later, it was in the dim game arcade.

Lu Xixiao took a pack of cigarettes from the counter, scanned to pay, and when he looked up, he caught sight of Zhou Wan. Finding her somewhat familiar, he asked casually, “From Yangming?”

“Yes.”

He exhaled a puff of smoke, raising his eyebrows in the haze: “What’s your name?”

“Zhou Wan, the ‘Wan’ from ‘will draw a bow like the full moon.'”

He gave an ambiguous laugh, then unhurriedly said his name: “Lu Xixiao.”

Zhou Wan met his gaze.

“I know.”

I’ve known for a long time that you’re Lu Xixiao.

Because–

I’ve liked you for a long time already.

*

Lu Xixiao remained silent, staring at her intently, his thoughts in chaos at this moment.

The feeling was like suddenly receiving something more precious, better than expected – a heavy, fragile thing that he was afraid to bump or drop, afraid even to think too deeply about.

After a long while, he spoke hoarsely: “Why did you never tell me before?”

Zhou Wan paused, then said softly: “At first, I never thought you would like me back, so I felt there was no need to tell you, treating it as just a beautiful dream.”

Her eyes gradually reddened, “Later, other things got mixed into these feelings, and I became afraid to tell you. So many people liked you, my feelings… weren’t worth mentioning.”

“Silly girl.” Lu Xixiao pulled her into his arms, placing a burning kiss on her neck, “Your feelings are the most precious to me.”

He brushed away the stray hair from her cheek, gripped her shoulders to create some distance, looked down into her eyes, and said with utmost seriousness: “Wan Wan, I’m very happy that you like me.”

Zhou Wan remained silent.

She didn’t feel that those past feelings of love could make up for the mistakes she had made.

Just as he had said at his peak before, between them, no matter how you break it down or analyze it, she was the one who had wronged him.

She dared not look into his eyes, lowering her head as a tear fell onto Lu Xixiao’s hand.

“And that time, when you called me on the phone when I said I didn’t love you,” Zhou Wan said. “That was also a lie, I never stopped loving you.”

“Mm, I know,” Lu Xixiao said hoarsely.

Zhou Wan gripped his hand tightly, the scene from that night floating back into her mind.

That was her first encounter with such stark malice from strangers after entering society, an unforgettable shadow in her life.

Word by word, she tore open the old wound and told Lu Xixiao completely about what had happened to her that day.

Lu Xixiao had heard her mention before about being harassed, but it was briefly mentioned then. He had never so clearly understood what Zhou Wan had gone through.

His girl, all alone, so insecure she loathed herself.

She had bid him farewell in near desperation, pretending to be strong.

Zhou Wan was only 17 then, young and naive, using what she thought was the best way to let Lu Xixiao start anew, stride forward, no longer dragged down or constrained.

Lu Xixiao’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he tried to speak, but anything he could say seemed too weak.

Finally, his voice was deep and nasal: “It’s all in the past.”

From now on, in your world, such things will never happen again.

I will protect you well.

“I wonder if we had started purely like this,” Zhou Wan said softly, her voice trembling, “would we have had a different ending?”

“We already have the best ending,” Lu Xixiao kissed away her tears, “The process doesn’t matter, as long as you’re by my side now.”

Zhou Wan shook her head firmly: “It does matter.”

The process matters.

Lu Xixiao’s sacrifices throughout these experiences could never be simply glossed over.

“If we had a different ending, with different experiences, would you…” Zhou Wan sniffled, trying very hard to finish her words, “Would you… not have gotten sick?”

Lu Xixiao froze.

It took him a while to realize what Zhou Wan was referring to.

That psychological consultation record book was given to him by the doctor during his last treatment session when he was about to graduate and return to China. He had casually put the book in a drawer and hadn’t thought about it specifically over the years.

He had forgotten Zhou Wan would see it.

“I’m already better,” Lu Xixiao said softly, gently nuzzling her nose, barely perceptibly comforting her, “Everything’s fine now.”

“I’m sorry, Lu Xixiao, I didn’t know… I had no idea you went through such difficult times these years, why is it that I only bring bad things to you…”

From the very beginning, she had only wanted to make Lu Xixiao happy.

Later, she just wanted him to get back on track and move forward.

The young girl’s eyes and nose were red as she cried heartbrokenly, emboldened by the alcohol.

She felt guilty, remorseful, and heartache, yet powerless.

“Wan Wan.”

Lu Xixiao raised his hand, covering her tear-streaked face, lifting her chin, his voice deep and firm, with a hint of stubborn determination, “Wan Wan, listen to me.”

She looked up, her eyelashes wet and clumped together.

“My illness wasn’t caused by you. Actually, from when my sister passed away, my mother jumped from a building in front of me, to when my grandparents left, I was in a very depressed and degraded state for a long time.”

“Even though I might have seemed normal to you then, only I knew that my heart was like a deep swamp. I had no hope for life, no illusions, just aimlessly moving forward, living carelessly and wildly, numbing myself, giving up on myself.”

“Wan Wan, do you remember? That New Year’s Eve, I sent you a message.”

Zhou Wan looked up, her voice trembling: “I remember.”

–Zhou Wan.

–Spend every New Year with me from now on.

“That was the first time I imagined the future, and the first time I felt that future days might not be so bad.”

That wasn’t just a simple love message.

It was Lu Xixiao’s banner of recovery.

It was the sign that she had finally taken the hand of that young man in the dark abyss.

“Later, when I first went abroad, perhaps because of the change in environment, my emotions and state underwent major changes. I had insomnia and irritability, so I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. The doctor told me about many related symptoms, and I realized I might have had this condition long before.”

Zhou Wan was stunned.

“But I didn’t know it then, and after meeting you, those symptoms gradually disappeared.”

“Moreover, I was able to get through it because of you,” Lu Xixiao said softly. “You were the one who told me that in the future days, keep moving forward, keep moving upward.”

During those lonely days, and countless moments, Lu Xixiao had relied on these words to walk step by step to where he was now.

“So, if we look into it, you don’t owe me anything.”

Lu Xixiao said, “Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. We’re even.”

*

Deep night.

All was quiet.

Lu Xixiao woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

Splashing cold water on his face, he supported himself on the glass counter, water droplets following his facial contours downward, falling drop by drop onto the counter surface.

After a while, he let out a gentle sigh, though something still felt blocked in his chest.

The words Zhou Wan had said earlier lingered in his mind, refusing to disperse.

If he had known what Zhou Wan would encounter, he would have gone to find her regardless of everything, begging or pleading, anything to keep her by his side. Compared to Zhou Wan, his pride and stubbornness meant nothing.

But those past events were something he could never recover or change.

Then he thought of what she had said earlier.

–Even before you knew me, I was already secretly liking you.

Back then, he had been living in a daze. He moved out to live alone in that empty house and often felt lonely when waking from dreams at midnight.

That loneliness, growing darker layer by layer, was terrifying, constantly making him recall the image of his mother’s leap.

He stubbornly lived in his mother’s old house while also resisting returning there.

So he made many friends, including quite a few bad influences, frequenting bars, and KTVs, drowning himself in alcohol and loud noise, and going wherever was lively.

He had many girlfriends but never invested any real feelings.

Deep inside, that true Lu Xixiao just coldly observed it all, watching himself play through life, living wastefully.

…

After a long while, he shook his head and left the bathroom.

Lying back in bed, Zhou Wan was awakened by his movement. Without opening her eyes, she just reached out to hug him: “Can’t sleep?”

“No,” Lu Xixiao turned his head to kiss her lips, saying, “Just went to the bathroom.”

Zhou Wan gently patted his chest: “Go to sleep.”

That night, Lu Xixiao had a dream.

The dream took him back to 2018.

He was about to graduate and went to the psychological counseling room for the last time.

The psychologist was Chinese, and they had always communicated in Chinese, which was one of the rare opportunities for Lu Xixiao to use Chinese during those years.

Perhaps for this reason, he was able to open up as much as possible here.

The psychologist knew this was his last visit and advised: “Although your condition is much better than when you started, you still can’t stop the medication after you return. If needed, you must still see a doctor.”

Lu Xixiao smiled slightly: “Mm, thank you for these years.”

“It’s my duty,” the doctor smiled. “I hope you can truly move forward soon.”

Lu Xixiao paused, then spoke after a moment: “I’m going back to B City, I might meet her.”

“She’s in B City?”

“Don’t know, maybe,” Lu Xixiao’s tone was steady. “She’s a good student, and there’s nothing left for her in Pingchuan, so she should be studying or working in B City.”

The doctor said helplessly: “All these years you said you never checked on her whereabouts, but you knew clearly in your heart, right?”

Lu Xixiao remained silent.

“Would you like to hear my advice?”

“Mm.”

“Although facing the past is necessary to truly move forward, considering your situation and the special nature of your relationship, I don’t recommend seeking her out. Things between you have ended, and you need to shift your focus back to yourself and maintain emotional boundaries. Only then can you fully move forward.”

Lu Xixiao was quiet for a while. He sat on the sofa as the setting sun through the floor-to-ceiling windows cast its light. His hands were in his pockets as he leaned lazily against the chair’s back.

“Sometimes I wonder, at that time, at that moment, why did I decide to face that knife head-on?”

Lu Xixiao’s voice was faint as if telling an insignificant past event. “I wasn’t even sure if that knife would pierce my heart if I would never wake up again. It’s just that by then I could feel she was going to leave. Many times she was right beside me, but she was saying goodbye.”

“I gambled with my own life. Maybe looking back later, I’d think I was extremely stupid and immature, but at that time I just felt that if I could survive, she would stay out of guilt and remorse. And if she wanted to leave, there would be nothing left in this world that I couldn’t let go of.”

The psychologist frowned: “Xiao, a healthy relationship shouldn’t be like this.”

“I know.”

He looked at a distant point outside the window. “But she was my everything.”

Later, many people thought he was Heaven’s favorite child – wealthy background, excellent grades, and accomplished at a young age. But only Lu Xixiao knew that to some extent, he had nothing.

He didn’t want what he had, and couldn’t have what he wanted.

From age 18 until now, the only thing he had truly possessed was Zhou Wan.

When she left, he had nothing.

…

After graduation, Lu Xixiao returned to Pingchuan City.

Old Master Lu sent someone to pick him up and asked about his plans. Lu Xixiao mentioned going to B City, and the old man just paused briefly before nodding in approval.

No one had expected he would like Zhou Wan for so long.

After leaving the Lu family, Lu Xixiao originally had a direct flight to B City but changed his mind at the last minute, rebooking for the evening.

He went alone to Pingchuan City’s “Eye of the City.”

When it first opened, it had been bustling with activity, but now only scattered tourists came to visit.

As the elevator doors opened, he faced the spacious circular observation deck. He bought a ticket for the glass walkway and put on the safety equipment.

When the door to the glass walkway opened, howling wind filled his ears.

Lu Xixiao closed his eyes briefly, his hand touching the railing as he slowly walked out.

The wind hitting his face felt like rough blades, painfully stinging, almost forcing tears from his eyes.

He held the railing and walked forward with closed eyes, his mind occupied by the bloody image of his mother’s jump, the crimson blood, and the chaotic noise.

He stood still, cold sweat on his forehead, his whole body weak.

Someone behind urged him to hurry up.

Lu Xixiao’s fingers gripped the railing tighter, his knuckles turning white from the force.

Just when he felt he couldn’t go on, a voice suddenly floated in his ears, gentle and steady, calm yet carrying a warm strength.

–Don’t look down, look forward, there are mountains ahead, and clouds above, look into the distance, there’s wind.

He slowly opened his eyes, looked at the mountains before him, and moved forward again.

He stood on that square platform, recalling the words Zhou Wan had once said to him.

“Lu Xixiao, in the future days, always look forward, walk toward higher places.”

“Don’t look back, Lu Xixiao.”

“Go see the vast world, walk the bright path, be joyful each day, peaceful each year.”

…

Zhou Wan was the person who least believed in his feelings.

Yet she was also the person who understood him best.

Very early on, she had seen through his loneliness, and his helplessness, and understood his pretense of toughness and wildness.

So, in the gentlest yet most determined way, she bid him farewell.

That day, Lu Xixiao came down from the “Eye of the City,” left Pingchuan City, and flew to B City.

From that day on, he stopped taking medication and never had an episode again.

Zhou Wan was his addiction.

She was also his medicine.