Qiao Qingyu’s anticipation for the New Year was abruptly extinguished the year Qiao Baiyu passed away.
Before she turned fourteen, the Spring Festival was the only legitimate reason for Qiao Qingyu to have new clothes. This simple expectation sustained her, making family traditions that seemed trivial to others appear both lovable and respectable to her.
While Qiao Jinyu ran around the village setting off firecrackers with other children, she assisted her grandfather, Qiao Lilong, in writing Spring Festival couplets, carefully grinding ink on the inkstone. When Qiao Baiyu sulked in her room, refusing to come out, Qiao Qingyu busied herself serving the “eight cold dishes and eight hot stir-fries” on the large round table, arranging the New Year’s Eve dinner chairs according to age and seniority. The Lilong family was the most rule-abiding and face-conscious clan in Nanqiao Village, and Qiao Qingyu was seen as the most sensible child in everyone’s eyes.
During the Spring Festival when Qiao Baiyu was hospitalized, Qiao Qingyu, who remained in Nanqiao Village, still meticulously followed all the New Year customs like the adults, though her expression was solemn.
According to family tradition, bathing and hair washing were forbidden from the first to the third day of the New Year. This was usually not difficult, but that year’s heavy atmosphere made Qiao Qingyu particularly crave the feeling of being showered. This desire was so intense that on the evening of the second day when all the adults were asleep, she secretly boiled water and quietly washed the grime from her hair with a cup – Baiyu was seriously ill, and waves of people came to express their concern to her grandparents, filling the house with a constant haze of cigarette smoke that had made her hair unbearable.
She discovered that breaking customs wasn’t difficult, especially when anger filled her heart. The adults’ neglect of her violent coughing fits from the cigarette smoke, which left her barely able to eat, and their eagerness to offer cigarettes to visitors filled her with resentment and intense anger. The grand expectations for Spring Festival that she had built throughout her childhood crumbled overnight. Coupled with the grief of Qiao Baiyu’s passing, from that moment on, the words “Spring Festival” lost their vibrant color in Qiao Qingyu’s heart.
But this year was different from the previous two.
The new house, decorated with lanterns and festive ornaments, was like a stunning peacock ready to display its feathers, attracting the attention of the entire village even before fully revealing itself. The busy adults coming and going had shed the gloom of the past three years, their faces beaming with such pure satisfaction as if they had finally emerged from a long, dark tunnel into the light of day.
Qiao Jinrui was getting married. Joy permeated every corner of the spacious new house, yet it failed to touch Qiao Qingyu.
Most of the time, she confined herself to the empty guest room on the third floor, doing homework, reading, or simply staring into space. Where a red sofa once stood, there was now a wooden desk. There was no need to ask where the sofa had gone. In the adults’ view, it was inappropriate – unlucky to keep things that Qiao Baiyu had used in the joyous new house.
Qiao Baiyu had brought shame to the family while alive and died ingloriously. She was a disgrace, a harbinger of misfortune, so she had to be erased.
By discarding all of Qiao Baiyu’s belongings, their parents were essentially declaring to everyone that this daughter wasn’t worth remembering.
A heavy anger pinned Qiao Qingyu to her desk. Her sister was already dead, she thought furiously, and yet they were killing her a second time.
As Spring Festival approached, firecrackers constantly exploded throughout Nanqiao Village. The distant and nearby pops and bangs repeatedly struck the fuse in Qiao Qingyu’s heart. When it finally quieted down, Qiao Qingyu took out “Crime and Punishment.” She had barely turned a page when she heard Qiao Jinrui’s voice on the phone outside her door.
“They arrived yesterday, don’t worry,” Jinrui’s voice penetrated the door. “My mom, grandma, and aunt are all helping to fold them. We’ll have enough time! Oh, and my sister too! She can help!”
Qiao Qingyu couldn’t help but sit up straight.
“It’s not complicated at all,” Jinrui said gently. “We’re only getting married once, so of course we’ll choose everything to your liking. I won’t let you be disappointed… If you’re worried, I’ll have Qingqing help. She’s a girl, so she’s more detail-oriented. I’ll send you photos of the room when it’s done, okay?”
Qiao Qingyu frowned.
“Mm-hmm, just rest easy, my little fairy,” Jinrui’s voice turned syrupy. “Don’t worry about anything, my darling.”
A few seconds later, there was a knock on the door.
“Qingqing, are you there?”
Qiao Qingyu went to open the door.
“Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve. Why don’t you take a break?” Jinrui didn’t enter the room. “Cooping yourself up in here all day without even a computer to play with, how boring!”
“Just like sister used to do.”
The words slipped out, surprising even Qiao Qingyu herself.
Jinrui’s smile visibly stiffened. “Heh, there’s a computer in my room. Go play there! Chat with your classmates online or something! Come on, let’s go now. Your parents are out, I won’t tell them you were on the computer. Come on… staying in your room all day isn’t good for you…”
He turned to go downstairs. Qiao Qingyu closed her door and followed behind him.
“Where did my parents go?”
“To town to buy fish. If they don’t go today, it’ll be too late,” Jinrui’s words were full of joy. “Think about it – sixteen tables on the sixth day! Grandpa has even built a special enclosure with bricks in the stream these past two days, just to keep the fish. We’ll only kill them on the day of the banquet.”
“Can sixteen tables fit in the courtyard?”
“If we squeeze, they’ll just fit. Can’t be helped – our family has good relationships in the village. We ended up with two or three more tables than originally planned,” Jinrui turned a corner, quickening his pace. “It’s all thanks to the goodwill our elders have built up over generations!”
Qiao Qingyu hurried to keep up with him.
Jinrui’s room was the largest on the second floor, complete with its bathroom and balcony, fully furnished with a desk, wardrobe, sofa, TV, and air conditioner. Above the headboard hung a massive wedding photo. In it, a blissful Xiaoyin leaned against Jinrui’s shoulder, her dreamlike white veil forming a perfect arc behind her back, like delicate wings.
“I think this photo is a bit plain. Grandpa and Grandma also said the black background for a wedding photo doesn’t look good,” Jinrui said, following Qiao Qingyu’s gaze. “But Xiaoyin insisted on this one, said it was minimalist style or something. What do you think?”
They truly made a perfect couple in the photo. Qiao Qingyu was momentarily lost in thought before catching herself. She sincerely exclaimed, “I think it’s very elegant. Sister Xiaoyin has great taste.”
Jinrui chuckled, “Well, I let her have her way with these things. As long as she’s happy, that’s what matters.”
He then went to the desk, bent down to click the mouse a few times, and pointed at the images on the screen. “Qingqing, come take a look. Can you help me decorate the wedding room according to these sample pictures over the next few days? Xiaoyin says the dark brown furniture looks ugly and wants white instead. I bought special stickers, so we can try covering the furniture these couple of days… And for the walls, she sent over some wallpaper, and some ribbon decorations…”
“Okay.”
“You’re meticulous,” Jinrui stood up. “Xiaoyin has high standards. I can’t trust others to do it properly.”
“Brother Jinrui,” Qiao Qingyu paused, glancing at the wedding photo on the wall, “you’re getting married. You must be very happy, right?”
As soon as she asked, Qiao Qingyu felt something pierce through her chest, silent yet intense.
“Ah yes,” Jinrui nodded nonchalantly. “Happy, of course, I’m happy. It’s just busy… Originally, Xiaoyin and I planned to have a destination wedding, but both sets of parents disagreed. Now we have to host two banquets, so there’s so much to do… Sigh, but it makes sense. Marriage is about two families coming together. Xiaoyin is an only child, and so am I. This is the only chance for both sets of parents, so of course they want to make it a grand celebration… You’ll have to help me out these next few days! Stop hiding in your room all the time. I’m your only brother, right? With such a joyous event in the family, if people found out you’re always out of sight, what would they say?”
“I…”
“Unlike the elders, I’m not trying to control you,” Jinrui continued. “I’m concerned about you as a brother. Your parents are too strict with you. These next few days, just say you’re helping me decorate the wedding room. You can use my computer whenever you want, okay? Don’t let yourself get sick from being cooped up.”
Having said his piece, Jinrui flashed a smile. “Even little Jinyu doesn’t have a computer to play with. See how good your big brother is to you?”
Qiao Qingyu remained unmoved.
“Qingqing,” Jinrui’s tone grew serious, “something’s bothering you.”
Qiao Qingyu looked at him, took a step forward, and sat down on the edge of the bed.
Jinrui smiled again, this time heartily: “If it’s love troubles, then as someone who’s been there, my advice is: do not date in high school.”
Qiao Qingyu lowered her head.
“Puppy love can ruin your life,” Jinrui sighed, “especially for girls.”
Seeing Qiao Qingyu’s continued silence, he pressed on: “Looks like I guessed right. I mean, what other worries could someone your age have besides love troubles? Who’s the boy? From Huan No. 2 High? Shunyun No. 1 High? Did he bully you? If he did, tell me. I’ll find a way to scare him, get revenge for you…”
“Brother Jinrui,” Qiao Qingyu spoke up, raising her head to look at him steadily, “have you ever bullied a girl before?”
A flicker of surprise passed through Jinrui’s eyes before he turned his head and chuckled: “Do I look like someone who would bully girls?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’m your brother. You’re not sure about my character?” Jinrui’s eyes widened. “Besides, if I had bullied girls, would our family still have such a good reputation in the village? Would my bosses at work value me? Everyone can see clearly. They’ve all watched me grow up. How can you doubt my character?”
“Then,” Qiao Qingyu reminded herself to stay calm, “what about my sister?”
“Sister?”
“Baiyu.”
The last two words made Jinrui’s pupils suddenly dilate, then retreat into nothingness. He quickly regained his composure, his eyebrows knotting like hemp rope: “What about Baiyu? Why are you thinking about her?”
“When she was twelve, she wrote about what happened between you two in her diary.”
Jinrui’s eyebrows knotted even tighter. He leaned forward, his mouth slightly open, his exaggerated expression of surprise making Qiao Qingyu feel disgusted.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” she pressed.
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“You keep telling me not to date early, but you’re the one who made my sister fall in love too young,” Qiao Qingyu stared intently into his eyes. “You bullied her. You ruined her life.”
“Haha,” Jinrui sat up straight, his shoulders shaking twice. “What are you thinking about all day? Why make up such nonsense?”
“I’m not bored and trying to pick a fight with you over this,” Qiao Qingyu said. “I do feel it’s unfair to my sister. But she’s gone, and the living must go on. I understand this principle. I’m not deliberately trying to make things difficult for you.”
Jinrui turned his head away without responding.
“I’ve thought for a long time about whether I should bring this up with you,” Qiao Qingyu suppressed the emotions surging within her. “But if I don’t say it, I won’t be able to congratulate you on your marriage.”
She turned to look at the wedding photo above the bed. “I want to sincerely wish you and Sister Xiaoyin well, so I must say this.”
“Brother Jinrui,” Qiao Qingyu turned back to him, “you… were sincere towards my sister at the time, right? After all, she was so beautiful… You were young and impulsive, made a mistake in the heat of the moment, so that’s why…”
“Enough,” Jinrui suddenly stood up. “I see you’ve already made yourself sick. What nonsense are you spouting? I don’t know what you’re rambling about.”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about!” Qiao Qingyu also stood up, anger surging within her. “And I want to ask you, does Sister Xiaoyin know about the dirty things you’ve done in the past? Have you been honest with her?”
“How boring!” Jinrui raised his voice. “Have you been reading too many romance novels?”
“Marriage is the union of two hearts, two complete hearts without any reservations,” Qiao Qingyu clutched her chest, visibly agitated. “You’re hiding your ugly past, only pretending to meet her demands. Ask yourself, is this what you call perfect love?”
“What do you know! I’ve always spoken well of you to your mother, but I see your parents were right. You’ve gotten too full of yourself and need discipline!”
“Brother Jinrui!” Qiao Qingyu called out to Jinrui as he opened the door. She took a deep breath and asked solemnly, “Can you swear on your conscience that you never bullied my sister?”
“Heh,” Jinrui tilted his head slightly, his left hand unconsciously clenching into a fist, though his tone oddly returned to gentleness. “Qingqing, your parents should be worried about all these wild thoughts you’re having.”
To Qiao Qingyu, Jinrui’s hasty departure seemed tinged with panic, indicating that her words had somewhat shaken him. Although she was dissatisfied with Jinrui’s outright denial, upon calming down, she understood his reaction. With his wedding imminent, the widely praised Jinrui couldn’t confess his past mistakes to his “immature” cousin.
As she sat back down at her desk on the third floor, Qiao Qingyu felt both resentful and helpless, thinking that perhaps Qiao Baiyu’s distant past should be allowed to drift away with the wind.
Even if Jinrui had openly admitted his mistakes, what then? Should he kowtow at Qiao Baiyu’s grave? Should he be forbidden to marry?
The dead cannot be brought back to life, and besides, Qiao Qingyu had witnessed Jinrui’s genuine grief when Qiao Baiyu first passed away. Remembering the red envelope he had secretly slipped into the fruit basket a few months ago, inscribed with “a small token of apology,” Qiao Qingyu thought that perhaps Brother Jinrui had been expressing his remorse all along.
As for whether he was being honest with Xiaoyin, she, as an unrelated cousin, had no right to interfere or worry too much about it.
Though she had reasoned it out, the anger and disappointment lingered in her heart, refusing to dissipate. As dusk fell, she heard Aunt Liu Yanfen’s loud invitation for Qiao Dayong to come inside and sit for a while. A few minutes later, as Qiao Qingyu went downstairs for water, she overheard Liu Yanfen and Qiao Dayong’s conversation.
“You shouldn’t be thinking about descendants any more. That money you spent buying a wife, you might as well have used it to build a house…” Liu Yanfen said as she peeled beans by the stove.
Qiao Dayong took a deep drag on his cigarette and exhaled forcefully: “That woman ruined my life. How did I end up buying such a jinx? Besides knowing how to write a few words, what else could she do? She nearly died giving birth to a daughter, and couldn’t even raise her properly! She was crazy herself and even tricked Xiaobai! When she had her fits, what was wrong with me hitting her a few times? The shameless woman would still run to Xiaobai’s room and trick Xiaobai into protecting her! Women like that are just evil-hearted, thinking they’re something special just because they know a few words…”
Qiao Qingyu finished pouring her water, holding the warm glass cup with both hands. She turned, pushed open the half-closed door, and walked into the inner room.
“Qingqing’s here,” Qiao Dayong exhaled smoke and gave a dry laugh. He continued speaking into Liu Yanfen’s ear: “I’m just an honest man. I spent money to buy a wife, wasn’t it just to have descendants? When that woman wasn’t having her fits, I told her many times, that if she just gave me a son and raised him until he went to university, she could leave if she wanted. I’d accept being laughed at by the villagers for my wife running away. But she was so stubborn, every night she’d start going crazy, refusing to sleep with me…”
“Ahem,” Liu Yanfen quickly interrupted Qiao Dayong, “The child is here, don’t talk about these things!”
Through the haze of smoke, Qiao Dayong squinted at Qiao Qingyu: “After all, they’re sisters. We used to say Qingqing was too thin and small to be from the Lilong family, but in these past two years, she’s suddenly grown up and looks more and more like Xiaobai!”
Liu Yanfen coughed twice more: “Dayong, it’s almost New Year’s, don’t bring up unlucky things.”
“Hehe,” Qiao Dayong flicked his cigarette ash into the stove, suddenly slapping his forehead. “Oh right, Qingqing, let me get a notebook. Can you take a look at what’s written in it?”
“What notebook?” Liu Yanfen asked first.
“Well, it’s almost New Year’s, and I was cleaning up a couple of days ago. I found a notebook under that woman’s bed,” Qiao Dayong explained somewhat timidly. “It’s full of foreign words like squiggly worms. I can’t understand it. Qingqing knows English, so maybe she can take a look for me.”
Liu Yanfen looked troubled: “What could she write in her crazy state? Why bother bringing that notebook around? Just burn it for her tomorrow when you visit the grave!”
“I will burn it, it’s just…”
“I’ll go with you to your house to take a look, Uncle Dayong,” Qiao Qingyu stood up.
Upon arrival, they discovered that the “notebook” Qiao Dayong mentioned was made up of dozens of old primary school composition books bound together, as thick as a dictionary. It was densely filled with English writing, sometimes in pencil, in ballpoint pen, in fountain pen, but the handwriting was consistent throughout. After briefly flipping through two pages, Qiao Qingyu’s curiosity was fully piqued. Seeing that it was getting late, with Qiao Dayong’s permission, she took the English diary back to Qiao Haisheng’s new house.
After dinner, she retreated to the third-floor guest room, using homework as an excuse to open and read the diary. It was evident that Aunt Qin’s English level was limited, but she wrote quite seriously, introducing her name, birthplace, primary, middle, and high schools, and her parents’ names, and occupations, as if writing a memoir for herself.
Due to the simple vocabulary and sentence structure, Qiao Qingyu read through it quickly. Halfway through, the name “Xiaobai” appeared among the words, and Qiao Qingyu’s attention immediately sharpened.
“She was very kind, very beautiful, like my daughter, PanPan.”
Someone was coming upstairs. Qiao Qingyu hastily closed the diary and hid it in her school bag.
Li Fanghao pushed open the door.
“Everyone’s downstairs by the fire,” she approached and placed her hand on the back of Qiao Qingyu’s head. “Qingqing, you should come down too. Your grandparents like it when we’re all together.”
“Mm.”
As she stood up, she noticed Li Fanghao seemed to have something to say, her eyes full of indecipherable emotions.
“What’s wrong, Mom?”
“Qingqing,” Li Fanghao’s voice carried a hint of panic, “about Xiaobai’s diary you found earlier, just pretend you never saw it, okay?”
Without waiting for Qiao Qingyu’s response, she continued: “This is a family disgrace, do you understand? Smart people would pretend not to know… Your sister’s reputation was already bad, if people found out that at twelve she… You need to know some people have very poisonous tongues. If outsiders learned about this, how could our family ever hold our heads up in the village? Jinrui just came to me and told me about what happened this afternoon. Your grandmother overheard, and now the whole family is waiting for you downstairs… When you go down, don’t argue. Just agree with whatever the adults say, understand?”
“But…”
“If this gets out, our whole family will be ruined,” Li Fanghao shook her head sadly. “Your sister is gone, let her rest in peace.”
“But sister was wronged.”
“This was her fate,” Li Fanghao muttered, “Everyone has their fate… Anyway, if this comes up later, just say you were talking nonsense this afternoon…”
“I don’t want to lie,” Qiao Qingyu interrupted Li Fanghao. “I don’t want to deceive myself or others.”
“You don’t know anything!” Li Fanghao suddenly shouted. “Do you know that bringing this up is like stabbing me in the heart? Have some pity on your mother! You used to be so kind when you were little!”
The word “kind” was like a powerful hand, choking Qiao Qingyu’s throat, rendering her speechless.