Qiao Qingyu’s anticipation for the New Year was suddenly extinguished the year Qiao Baiyu passed away. Before she turned fourteen, the Spring Festival was the only legitimate reason for Qiao Qingyu to have new clothes. This simple expectation sustained her, making all those family traditions—which seemed dispensable to outsiders—appear lovable and respectable to her.
While Qiao Jinyu ran around setting off firecrackers with other village children, she assisted her grandfather Qiao Lilong in writing Spring Festival couplets, carefully grinding ink on the inkstone.
When Qiao Baiyu sulked in her room, refusing to come out, she busied herself serving the “eight cold dishes and eight hot stir-fries” to the large round table, arranging the New Year’s Eve dinner seats according to age and status. The Lilong family was South Qiao Village’s most tradition-bound clan, and Qiao Qingyu was considered the most sensible child in everyone’s eyes.
During the Spring Festival when Qiao Baiyu was hospitalized, Qiao Qingyu, remaining in South Qiao Village, still meticulously followed all the New Year customs like the other adults, though her expression was grave.
According to family tradition, bathing and hair washing were forbidden from the first to the third day of the New Year. This usually wasn’t difficult, but that year’s heavy atmosphere made Qiao Qingyu particularly crave the feeling of being showered. The craving was so intense that on the evening of the second day, while the adults were asleep, she secretly boiled water and carefully washed the grime from her hair with a cup—with Baiyu critically ill, waves of visitors came to express concern to her grandparents, and the perpetual haze of cigarette smoke had made her hair unbearable.
She discovered that breaking traditions wasn’t difficult, especially when anger filled her heart—the adults ignored her violent coughing from the cigarette smoke that made it nearly impossible to eat, while they eagerly offered cigarettes to visiting well-wishers, leaving her feeling wronged and furious. The grand expectations of Spring Festival built throughout her childhood collapsed overnight, and coupled with the grief of Qiao Baiyu’s death, the words “Spring Festival” lost their vibrant color in Qiao Qingyu’s heart from that moment on.
But this year was different from the previous two.
The newly decorated house stood like a gorgeous peacock ready to display, attracting the whole village’s attention before even fully revealing itself. The busy adults, shedding the gloom of the past three years, smiled with such satisfaction and purity, their moved faces like those who had groped through a dark tunnel finally seeing daylight.
Qiao Jinrui was getting married. Joy permeated the spacious new house, yet somehow failed to touch Qiao Qingyu.
Most of the time, she shut herself in the empty guest room on the third floor, doing homework, reading, or staring into space. Where the red sofa used to be now stood a wooden desk; there was no need to ask where the sofa had gone. In the adults’ view, keeping things Qiao Baiyu had used in the joyous new house was inappropriate—unlucky, that’s right.
Qiao Baiyu had brought shame to the family while alive and died ingloriously. She was a disgrace and bad luck, so she had to be erased.
Her parents’ disposal of all Qiao Baiyu’s belongings was equivalent to announcing to everyone that this daughter wasn’t worth remembering.
Heavy anger pressed Qiao Qingyu down at her desk. Her sister was already dead, she thought furiously, yet they still wanted to kill her a second time.
As Spring Festival approached, firecrackers constantly exploded in South Qiao Village, the near and distant pops repeatedly igniting the fuse in Qiao Qingyu’s heart. When things finally quieted down, Qiao Qingyu took out “Crime and Punishment,” but just as she turned a page, she heard Qiao Jinrui’s phone conversation outside.
“They arrived, arrived yesterday, don’t worry,” Jinrui’s voice came through the door. “My mom, grandmother, aunt, they’re all helping fold them, there’s definitely enough time! Oh right, and my sister! She can help too!”
Qiao Qingyu couldn’t help but sit up straight.
“It’s not complicated, not at all,” Jinrui’s voice was gentle. “We’re only getting married once, of course, everything should be to your satisfaction. I won’t let you be wronged… If you don’t trust me, I’ll have Qingqing help. She’s detail-oriented, and I’ll send you photos after the room is decorated, okay?”
Qiao Qingyu frowned.
“Mm-hmm, just rest well, my little fairy,” Jinrui’s voice turned syrupy. “Don’t worry about anything, my precious.”
Seconds later, there was a knock at the door.
“Qingqing, are you there?”
Qiao Qingyu went to open it.
“Tomorrow’s New Year’s Eve, take a break,” Jinrui didn’t enter the room. “Shutting yourself in all day, without even a computer to play with, how boring~”
“Just like sister used to do.”
The words slipped out, surprising even Qiao Qingyu herself.
Jinrui’s smile noticeably stiffened: “Heh, I have a computer in my room, go use it! Chat with your classmates online or something! Come on, right now, your parents are out, I won’t tell them you’re using the computer, come on… staying in your room all day will make you sick…”
He turned to go downstairs, and Qiao Qingyu closed her door, following behind him.
“Where did my parents go?”
“To town to buy fish, if they don’t go today it’ll be too late,” Jinrui’s words were full of joy. “Think about it, on the sixth day, sixteen tables! Grandfather spent the past two days making an enclosure with bricks in the stream, just to keep fish, won’t kill them until the banquet day.”
“Can the courtyard fit sixteen tables?”
“It’ll just fit if we squeeze them in. Can’t help it, our family has good relationships in the village, ended up with two or three more tables than planned,” Jinrui turned a corner, quickening his pace. “All thanks to the generations of goodwill our elders built up~”
Qiao Qingyu hurried to keep up with him.
Jinrui’s room was the largest on the second floor, with its own bathroom and balcony, fully equipped with desk, cabinets, sofa, TV, air conditioning, everything. Above the headboard hung a huge wedding photo, where a happy-looking Xiaoyu nestled against Jinrui’s shoulder, her dreamlike white veil forming a perfect arc behind her back, like ethereal wings.
“I think this photo’s too plain, grandparents also said the black background isn’t nice for a wedding photo,” Jinrui said, following Qiao Qingyu’s gaze. “But Xiaoyu insisted on this one and said something about minimalist style. What do you think?”
They were a perfect couple in the photo. Qiao Qingyu was momentarily lost in thought, then caught herself and sincerely exclaimed: “I think it’s very elegant, Sister Xiaoyu has good taste.”
Jinrui chuckled: “Well, I listen to her about these things, as long as she’s happy.”
He went to the desk, bent down to click the mouse a few times, and pointed at the images on the screen: “Qingqing, come look at these reference photos, help me decorate the wedding room these next few days… Xiaoyu says the dark brown furniture is ugly, wants white, I specially bought some stickers, let’s try covering the furniture these days… And the walls, she sent over wallpaper and decorative ribbons…”
“Okay.”
“You’re meticulous,” Jinrui stood up. “Xiaoyu has high standards, I can’t trust others to be careful enough~”
“Brother Jinrui,” Qiao Qingyu paused, glancing at the wedding photo on the wall, “you’re getting married, you must be happy?”
The moment she asked, Qiao Qingyu felt something pierce through her chest, silent yet violent.
“Ah ha,” Jinrui nodded casually, “happy, of course, I’m happy, just busy… Originally Xiaoyu and I planned to have a destination wedding, but both families didn’t agree, and now we need two banquets, so there’s so much to do… Well, marriage is about two families, Xiaoyu’s an only child, and I’m an only son, and both sets of parents only get this one chance, of course, they want to celebrate properly… You need to help me these next few days! Stop staying in your room all the time, I’m your only brother, right? Such a joyous family occasion, if people heard you were hiding away all day, what would they say!”
“I…”
“I’m not like the elders, always trying to control you,” Jinrui continued. “I care about you as a brother. Your parents are too strict with you. These days, just say you’re helping me decorate the wedding room, use my computer whenever you want, how’s that? Don’t make yourself sick staying cooped up.”
After his stream of words, Jinrui smiled: “Little Yu doesn’t even have a computer to play with, see how good your brother is to you?”
Qiao Qingyu remained unmoved.
“Qingqing,” Jinrui’s tone became earnest, “you have something on your mind.”
Qiao Qingyu looked at him, stepped forward, and sat on the edge of the bed.
Jinrui smiled again, heartily this time: “If it’s love troubles, as someone who’s been there, your brother’s advice is: don’t date in high school.”
Qiao Qingyu lowered her head.
“Puppy love ruins lives,” Jinrui sighed, “especially for girls.”
Seeing Qiao Qingyu’s continued silence, he went on: “Looks like I guessed right. I mean, what other worries could you have at your age besides love troubles? Which boy is it? From Huan Second High? Sunyun First High? Did he bully you? If he did, tell me, I’ll find a way to scare him, get revenge for you…”
“Brother Jinrui,” Qiao Qingyu spoke up, raising her head to look at him steadily, “have you ever bullied a girl before?”
A flash of surprise crossed Jinrui’s eyes, then he turned his head and chuckled: “Do I look like someone who would bully girls?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’m your brother, you’re not sure about my character?” Jinrui’s eyes widened, “Besides if I bullied girls, would our family still have such a good reputation in the village? Would my leaders at work value me? Everyone can see, they’ve all watched me grow up, you doubt my character?”
“Then,” Qiao Qingyu reminded herself to stay calm, “what happened with sister?”
“Sister?”
“Baiyu.”
Those last two words made Jinrui’s pupils suddenly dilate, then retreat into emptiness. He quickly recovered, his eyebrows knotting like rope: “Baiyu? What about her? Why are you thinking about Xiaobai?”
“When sister was twelve, she wrote about what happened between you two in her diary.”
Jinrui’s eyebrows knotted even tighter, his neck stretched forward, his mouth slightly open, his exaggerated look of surprise making Qiao Qingyu feel disgusted.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” she pressed.
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
“You keep telling me not to date young, but you were the one who made sister date early,” Qiao Qingyu stared intently into his eyes. “You bullied her, you ruined her life.”
“Haha,” Jinrui sat up straight, his shoulders shaking twice, “what are you thinking about all day? Why make up such nonsense?”
“I’m not bringing this up because I’m bored or trying to make trouble for you,” Qiao Qingyu said. “I truly feel the injustice done to sister. But she’s gone, and the living must continue living—I understand this principle. I’m not trying to make things difficult for you.”
Jinrui turned his head away without responding.
“I thought for a long time about whether I should bring this up with you,” Qiao Qingyu suppressed the emotions surging in her heart. “But if I don’t say it, I can’t sincerely congratulate you on your marriage.”
She turned to look at the wedding photo by the bed: “I want to genuinely wish you and Sister Xiaoyu well, so I must say this.”
“Brother Jinrui,” Qiao Qingyu turned back, “you… were sincere about sister then, right? After all, she was so beautiful… Young and reckless, you made a mistake in a moment of impulse, so that’s why…”
“Enough,” Jinrui suddenly stood up, “I see you’ve really made yourself sick, talking nonsense. I don’t know what you’re rambling about.”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about!” Qiao Qingyu also stood up, anger rising suddenly. “And I want to ask you, does Sister Xiaoyu know about the despicable things you did in the past? Have you been honest with her?”
“Ridiculous!” Jinrui raised his voice, “Have you been reading too many romance novels?”
“Marriage is the union of two hearts, two complete hearts without any reservations,” Qiao Qingyu clutched her chest, visibly agitated. “You’re hiding your ugly past, just using false sentiments to satisfy her demands. Ask yourself, is this what you call perfect love?”
“What do you know! I’ve always spoken well of you to your mother, but I see your parents are right—you’ve gotten carried away, you need discipline!”
“Brother Jinrui!” Qiao Qingyu called out to him as he opened the door, took a deep breath, and asked solemnly: “Can you put your hand on your heart and say you never bullied sister?”
“Heh,” Jinrui tilted his head, his left hand unconsciously clenching into a fist, though his tone oddly returned to gentleness: “Qingqing, your parents should be worried about all your wild imaginings.”
In Qiao Qingyu’s view, Jinrui’s hurried departure betrayed his panic, indicating her words had somewhat shaken him. Though she was dissatisfied with his outright denial, after calming down she understood his reaction. With his wedding approaching, the universally praised Qiao Jinrui couldn’t confess his past wrongdoings to his “immature” cousin.
When she returned to sit at her third-floor desk, Qiao Qingyu felt indignant yet helpless, thinking perhaps Qiao Baiyu’s distant past should just scatter with the wind.
Even if Jinrui openly admitted his mistakes, what then? Should he kowtow at Baiyu’s grave? Should he not get married?
The dead cannot be brought back to life, and besides, Qiao Qingyu had witnessed Jinrui’s genuine grief when Baiyu first passed away. Thinking of the red envelope he secretly slipped into the fruit basket months ago with “Expression of Regret” written on it, Qiao Qingyu thought, Brother Jinrui had been expressing his remorse all along.
As for whether he was honest with Xiaoyu, as an unrelated cousin, she had no right to interfere too much.
Though she understood the logic, the anger and disappointment still lingered in her heart, refusing to disperse. As darkness fell, from the courtyard below came Aunt Liu Yanfen’s loud invitation for Qiao Dayong to come sit inside. A few minutes later, when Qiao Qingyu went downstairs for water, she overheard Liu Yanfen and Qiao Dayong’s conversation.
“Stop thinking about descendants, that money you spent buying a wife, you should’ve built a house instead…” Liu Yanfen sat by the stove, shelling beans as she spoke.
Qiao Dayong took a deep drag on his cigarette and exhaled forcefully: “That woman ruined my life, how did I end up spending money on such bad luck? Besides knowing how to write a few words, what else could she do? Had a daughter and made such a fuss about it, couldn’t even raise her properly! She was crazy herself and still went to deceive Xiaobai! When she had her episodes, what was wrong with me hitting her a few times? The shameless woman would still run to Xiaobai’s room, tricking Xiaobai into protecting her! Such women are just evil-minded, knowing a few words and thinking they’re something special…”
Qiao Qingyu finished getting water, holding the warm glass in both hands, turned, pushed open the half-closed door, and walked into the inner room.
“Qingqing’s here,” Qiao Dayong exhaled smoke, gave a dry laugh, and continued speaking into Liu Yanfen’s ear: “I’m just an honest man, spent money to buy a wife, wasn’t it just to have descendants? When that woman wasn’t having episodes, I told her many times, just give me a son, raise him until he goes to university, then she can leave if she wants. I’d accept the village laughing at me for my wife running away, but she was so stubborn, every night she’d start acting crazy, refusing to sleep with me…”
“Ahem,” Liu Yanfen quickly interrupted Qiao Dayong, “the child is here, stop talking about these things!”
Through the swirling smoke, Qiao Dayong squinted at Qiao Qingyu: “After all, they’re sisters. Used to say Qingqing was too small and skinny to be from the Lilong family, but these past two years she’s grown up suddenly, looking more and more like Xiaobai!”
Liu Yanfen coughed twice more: “Dayong, it’s almost New Year, don’t bring up unlucky things.”
“Hehe,” Qiao Dayong flicked ash into the stove, suddenly slapping his forehead: “Oh right, Qingqing, let me get a notebook, help me see what’s written in it.”
“What notebook?” Liu Yanfen asked first.
“Well, with New Year coming, I was cleaning a few days ago and found a notebook under that woman’s bed,” Qiao Dayong explained somewhat timidly. “It’s full of foreign writing like earthworms, I can’t understand it. Qingqing knows English, help me take a look.”
Liu Yanfen’s face showed difficulty: “She was crazy, what could she write! Why keep carrying this notebook around? Just take it to sweep the tomb tomorrow and burn it for her!”
“I will burn it, just…”
“I’ll go with you to look at it, Uncle Dayong.” Qiao Qingyu stood up.
Upon arrival, she discovered that what Qiao Dayong called a notebook was dozens of elementary school composition books from years ago bound together, as thick as a dictionary. It was densely filled with English writing, sometimes in pencil, in ballpoint pen, and sometimes in fountain pen, but the handwriting was consistent. After roughly flipping through two pages, Qiao Qingyu’s curiosity was completely caught. Seeing it was getting late, with Qiao Dayong’s permission, she took this English diary back to Qiao Haisheng’s new house.
After dinner, she retreated to the third-floor guest room, using homework as an excuse to open and read the diary. It was clear that Aunt Qin’s English level was limited, but she wrote quite seriously, introducing her name, birthplace, primary and secondary schools, her parents’ names, and occupations as if writing a memoir for herself.
Due to the simple vocabulary and sentence structure, Qiao Qingyu read quickly. Halfway through, “Xiaobai” appeared among the words, and Qiao Qingyu’s attention immediately sharpened.
“She was very kind, very beautiful, like my daughter, PanPan.”
Someone was coming upstairs. Qiao Qingyu hurriedly closed the diary and hid it in her school bag.
Li Fanghao pushed open the door.
“Everyone’s downstairs by the fire,” she came closer, placing her hand on the back of Qiao Qingyu’s head. “Qingqing, come down too. Your grandparents like having everyone together.”
“Mm.”
Standing up, she noticed Li Fanghao seemed to have something to say, her eyes full of indecipherable content.
“What is it, Mom?”
“Qingqing,” Li Fanghao’s voice carried panic, “that diary of Xiaobai’s you found earlier, just pretend you never saw it, understand?”
Without waiting for Qiao Qingyu’s response, she continued: “This is a family shame, family shame, do you understand? Smart people would pretend not to know… Your sister’s reputation was already bad, if people found out that at twelve she… you need to know some people have poisonous tongues, if outsiders learned about this, how could our family hold our heads up in the village? Just now Jinrui came to me and told me about this afternoon, your grandmother overheard, and now the whole family is waiting for you downstairs… When you go down, don’t be stubborn, just agree with whatever the adults say, understand?”
“But…”
“If this gets out, our whole family will be ruined,” Li Fanghao shook her head sadly. “Your sister is gone, let her rest in peace.”
“But sister was wronged.”
“This was her fate,” Li Fanghao mumbled, “everyone has their fate… Anyway, if this comes up, just say you were talking nonsense this afternoon…”
“I don’t want to lie,” Qiao Qingyu interrupted Li Fanghao, “I don’t want to deceive myself and others.”
“You don’t know anything!” Li Fanghao suddenly roared, “Do you know that bringing this up is like stabbing a knife into my heart? Have some pity on your mother! You used to be so kind!”
The word “kind” was like a powerful hand, choking Qiao Qingyu’s throat, rendering her speechless.