“Then — then am I…” Xu Sijie looked at Nan Yong’s wife with desperate, imploring eyes. The words that turned and turned on the tip of his tongue refused, no matter how he tried, to come out.

“You were brought back from outside by the Marquis.” Nan Yong’s wife looked steadily into Xu Sijie’s eyes. “You were only three years old then. Thinly clothed, all skin and bones, grabbing at any food you could see and eating it. The Marquis handed you over to the Madam, saying your birth mother had passed away, that there was no one to entrust you to, and asking the Madam to take care of you. I had originally been a lady’s maid to the Madam, attending to her hair. The Madam saw that I was steady and honest, and that my daughter was close in age to the Fifth Young Master, so she assigned me to the Fifth Young Master’s household.”

“Brought back from outside…” Xu Sijie murmured, and many long-buried memories came clear at once, as if a layer of dust had been swept away.

A dim and dingy room. Tattered old cotton bedding. A roof with rain leaking through. A man drunk on wine hurling things about. From next door, the lilting sound of opera singing drifting over…

“Then my birth mother — what sort of person was my birth mother?” Xu Sijie murmured, his gaze toward Nan Yong’s wife filled with pleading — as though begging her to tell him the truth, and at the same time begging her never to speak aloud the answer he feared in his heart.

“I don’t know.” Nan Yong’s wife’s expression was candid, too honest for Xu Sijie to doubt. “In front of others, the Marquis only said that he had dreamed of a former concubine, a Lady Tong, who had died in poverty and suffering, with no one to offer incense at her grave. When he happened to see the Fifth Young Master in a charitable home, a boy with eyes identical to the Marquis’s, he felt it was fate, and so brought you home.”

Xu Sijie’s mind was in turmoil. He turned Nan Yong’s wife’s account over many times before his thoughts quieted enough to examine it carefully.

If he had been brought back from a charitable home, how had his father known that his birth mother had died and there was no one to entrust him to?

Though Lady Tong had been a concubine, one had never heard of a concubine’s incense offering being severed.

Before he came to the household, his father had already had two elder brothers. And his mother was not yet of an advanced age — so why would she take him in and raise him in the main quarters… And then there were his eyes, with the same phoenix-shaped corners as his father’s, his Second Elder Brother’s, and his Sixth Younger Brother’s…

In a flash of lightning, a thought surfaced.

“Nanny!” Xu Sijie said, his face drained of color. “I — am I the child of a kept woman?”

Nan Yong’s wife looked at him with compassion, and quietly let out a sigh. “That is what people outside are saying.”

Of course. Only this explanation could make all the pieces fit.

Xu Sijie stood there, utterly stupefied.

Nan Yong’s wife wrapped her arms tightly around him.

After a long moment, he pulled himself free of her embrace and walked out in a daze.

Nan Yong’s wife thought of all that Xu Sijie had done these past few days, and her heart filled with quiet dread.

The child had grown up. His thoughts were more complex now, and he was not so easily managed… To hear something like this so suddenly — who could say what he might do.

At the thought of this, Nan Yong’s wife quickly called out to stop Xu Sijie: “Sixth Young Master, do you trust what I say?”

Xu Sijie turned around and looked at Nan Yong’s wife blankly.

Nan Yong’s wife stepped forward and took hold of Xu Sijie’s hands: “Your Nanny Nan is a plain and simple person — I only know how to follow a thing to its end. I don’t care what people outside are saying. I don’t care what the Marquis has said. And I don’t care what you yourself are thinking. The way I see it, the Madam agreed to raise you, and that means she acknowledged you. You are the Marquis’s son. You are the Fifth Young Master of this household…”

She had not finished speaking before Xu Sijie gave a hollow laugh: “I — what kind of Fifth Young Master am I… No wonder Dou Gongzi treated me like a servant. No wonder the Grand Madam doesn’t like me… I…” His smile was bleak and desolate. “The son of a kept woman… I would only bring shame to Mother…”

“Fifth Young Master!” Nan Yong’s wife’s expression darkened at that, and she said sternly: “If you say such things, what grief it would cause the Madam to hear! Though you were not born of the Madam herself, the Madam raised you beside her, as though you were her own flesh and blood. Whatever the Fourth Young Master had, you had. Whatever the Sixth Young Master had, you had as well. You think only of your own origins — have you given any thought to the Madam’s feelings?”

Xu Sijie was struck speechless. A mournful and ashamed expression gradually crept over his face. “I… I…”

His mind was filled entirely with images of Shiyiniang. Winter nights with heavy snow falling, sitting with him under the warm lamplight as he read… In the sweltering heat, fanning him while he practiced his calligraphy at the desk… When he made a mistake, guiding him gently and patiently… When he received his teacher’s praise, how her face would light up with joy, how she would pull him into her arms…

“Nanny Nan!” Xu Sijie flung himself into Nan Yong’s wife’s arms and wept with loud, heaving sobs.

It was a relief that he could cry.

She had feared he would be impenetrable — that no word, kind or harsh, could reach him.

Nan Yong’s wife held him and gently patted his back, just as she had done when he was small, soothing him.

Xu Sijie cried even harder.

A woman living in the same courtyard heard the commotion and walked over with a smile. “Oh dear, what’s happened here?”

Catching sight of Xu Sijie, she smiled knowingly.

The maids who went to serve young masters while they were still very young had this one advantage — no matter how old the young master grew, you would always be remembered fondly… A pity it was the Fifth Young Master’s household where she had her posting. If she had been assigned to the Sixth Young Master’s or the Fourth Young Master’s household, never mind the west side chamber — when she was eventually released from service, even a posting as estate manager on a country property would come easily.

Thinking this, she made a gesture to Nan Yong’s wife — “don’t let me disturb you” — and crept quietly away.

Nan Yong’s wife took Xu Sijie to the inner room.

Xu Sijie lay against Nan Yong’s wife and cried his fill.

Nan Yong’s wife watched as he gradually grew calm, then spoke to him with care: “Fifth Young Master, the Marquis entrusted you to the Madam. The Madam could have left you to a stewardess to tend to and been done with it — she could also have set you up in a separate residence under Lady Tong’s name. But look what the Madam did: overseeing the household every day, never once neglecting you — keeping Nanny Nan near you, raising you in the main quarters. When winter came, she made you padded jackets in cut silk brocade; when summer came, she let you rest in the main rooms where the ice was. She had Master Zhao begin your schooling, and sent you to learn to read and know propriety. Your own flesh and blood could have done no more — and yet you are someone the Marquis brought in from outside. But look at yourself. Who knows where you heard some gossiping tongues run loose, and here you come crying and carrying on, looking for me. And this door was closed, fortunately. If the household stewardesses came to know of this, wouldn’t they laugh behind the Madam’s back and say she had no eye for people, that she raised you all for nothing? That would be the real laughing stock.”

Xu Sijie’s face burned crimson with shame from Nan Yong’s wife’s words, and he bowed his head in silence.

Nan Yong’s wife saw this and let out a breath of relief, then continued in a gentle voice: “Fifth Young Master, Nanny Nan has never read any books and doesn’t know the grand principles. All I know is that the more things are like this, the more you must be humble and yielding — study hard and win honor for the Madam. Only then can it be said you have not failed the Madam’s grace in raising you.”

Her words stirred something deep in Xu Sijie’s chest, and he nodded repeatedly: “I will study hard. I will win honor for Mother.”

“There’s a good boy!” Nan Yong’s wife gave him a warm squeeze. “All right, all right — look at you, crying and laughing, your face all streaked like a painted cat. You can’t go out looking like this. Nanny will go fetch some water, and you wash your face properly. You mustn’t let this happen again!”

Xu Sijie answered yes with a sheepish look, and as he waited for Nan Yong’s wife to go and fetch the water, he couldn’t help but turn the whole matter over in his mind again.

Was this why his mother was so particularly opposed to his learning opera?

He quietly resolved in his heart.

From now on, he would study hard and win honor for Mother.

Thinking this, he suddenly longed very much to see his mother.

He washed his face hastily and went to find Shiyiniang.

Shiyiniang was in the middle of discussing New Year affairs with the household stewardesses. Seeing him enter, she set the matter aside and smiled at him: “What is the matter?”

The low table was spread with a large pile of account books, and seven or eight stewardesses stood there with their hands at their sides, waiting for the exchange to conclude so they could continue with the meeting.

Xu Sijie suddenly felt both ashamed and deeply grateful.

He knelt before Shiyiniang, wrapped his arms around her legs, and pillowed his head on her knees.

“Mother…” The memories of years past turned like a lantern wheel through his mind — scenes of Shiyiniang dressing him when he was small, playing with him when he was young.

His throat tightened. He could not get out a single word. Tears swirled in his eyes, but afraid that others would notice, he quickly shut them — and yet his nose was filled with the familiar scent of roses he had known since childhood.

His heart quieted in an instant, and he felt only that his eyes had grown wetter still.

Shiyiniang found it strange, thinking he had been wronged in some way out in the outer quarters. She told the stewardesses to wait in the adjacent side hall, then gently stroked Xu Sijie’s dark and lustrous hair, her voice growing even softer: “What is the matter? Jie Ge’er, have you run into something troubling? What good does it do to just cry? Come now, rise up and tell me what happened.”

It was all Xu Sijie could do to hold back his tears.

He smiled and looked up, his eyes — washed clean by weeping — bright and clear as water.

“Nothing is wrong. I just missed Mother.” As he spoke, he rested his head once more upon Shiyiniang’s lap.

Shiyiniang could sense that something was different about him, but this was not the moment to press him. She smiled and said: “A young man your age, always carrying on like a small child.”

Xu Sijie smiled and lingered at Shiyiniang’s side for a little while before finally rising to leave the reception hall: “Mother, you carry on with your meeting. I am going back to study.”

Shiyiniang gazed at his retreating figure for a long moment, then told Qiuyu to go and call Xi’er, who attended on Xu Sijie, while she herself resumed her discussion with the stewardesses.

Meanwhile, in the Danbo Study on the opposite side of the main courtyard, Xu Sizhun and Gejin stood facing each other like two opponents circling in a contest of strength.

Gejin looked at Xu Sizhun’s eyes, which held a flash of resentment, and quietly sighed. She lowered her voice: “I understand that the Fourth Young Master resents me for reporting this matter to the Grand Madam. But this is something the Grand Madam pressed upon me again and again, and I also believe the Grand Madam was right. Though you and the Fifth Young Master are brothers, you are the heir, and you must comport yourself as an heir should. The Fifth Young Master is a younger concubine-born brother, and he must conduct himself accordingly. Otherwise, in the eyes of others, will not the Xu family appear to be people who observe no distinction of seniority and rank? That way, it would not only be you who is looked down upon — even the Fifth Young Master himself would be pointed at behind his back, and in the end it is he who becomes the object of ridicule and mockery.”

Xu Sizhun thought of Dou Jing, thought of the gongche score, thought of the Grand Madam’s fury, thought of Shiyiniang’s worry… A thousand words and ten thousand sentences all thickened on his tongue.

He let out a deflated breath and let his shoulders drop.

Gejin, seeing this, felt a twinge of regret at her own too-heavy words. She softened her voice to a gentle murmur: “If the Fourth Young Master truly feels for the Fifth Young Master, treating him well in private is enough. To make a display of it openly, in front of others, is to invite unwanted talk…”

Before she could finish, Xu Sizhun had already shaken his head at her and said: “Gejin, there is no need to say more. This is my own affair. You were given to me by Grandmother, and so I have always treated you with respect. This time we will let it go. But in future, should anything come up, I hope Gejin will speak to me first.” With that, he rose and went into the inner chamber, leaving Gejin standing there with a look of complete astonishment on her face.