In autumn, I carelessly caught a fever.

Since the Empress Dowager punished me to kneel in the snow in the seventeenth year of Jinghui’s reign, my health had never been good. Whenever it was rainy, my legs would hurt, and when it got a bit cold, I had to quickly wrap myself up tightly.

But this day I played too long in the Imperial Garden and didn’t feel cold. After returning to the palace and eating, I immediately developed a fever.

The discomfort made me vomit up all the food I had just eaten.

I had Zhirong tell the palace people not to inform the Empress Dowager—her health wasn’t good, and I didn’t want to pass any illness to her.

Zhirong asked if she should inform His Majesty. I thought such a small matter didn’t need to bother him, so I shook my head.

But within an hour, Zhang Jingxing came.

He was angry.

Although he showed no expression, after all these years together, I could tell what kind of fart he was going to release just by how he positioned his butt.

He asked why I didn’t tell him. My head was a bit dizzy, so I told him it wasn’t necessary.

This illness triggered my old sword wound. The Imperial Physician said a bunch of professional terms I couldn’t understand. I felt this Imperial Physician was simply a quack.

Every time I had him examine me, he would say a bunch of things I didn’t understand, making everything sound very serious, but it definitely wouldn’t be that bad in reality.

Don’t all doctors do this? I didn’t believe him.

According to the Imperial Physician, I would have to drink medicine every day until I died, couldn’t use many ice blocks to cool off in summer, had to wrap myself like a rice dumpling in winter, and had to avoid spicy, fishy, salty, and sweet foods.

I was certain he was a quack.

Did he want me to eat plain boiled cabbage every day?

…

I felt Zhang Jingxing was trying to torment me—he brought me a bowl of plain boiled cabbage to eat that night.

Oh, there was also some tofu.

I… damn it!

So I smashed the bowl.

He wasn’t angry and brought me another bowl, telling me the small kitchen had made a big pot—enough for me to smash.

Me: “……”

So every day, I ate plain boiled cabbage while watching Zhang Jingxing eat meat and fish in front of me. Watching him eat with such gusto, I secretly asked Eunuch Quan what regicide was.

I scared him into kneeling before me again.

Alright, alright, get up. I won’t say it anymore.

What was even more outrageous was that when I finally managed to secretly eat a piece of meat, Zhang Jingxing dug it out of my mouth.

Dug it out…

Dug it out!

I was so angry I didn’t want to talk to him. He looked quite happy—well, if I saw him like this, I’d be happy too.

He told me from now on, whatever I ate, he would eat too.

I didn’t believe him. Sure enough, a few days later, Zhirong told me she saw Zhang Jingxing secretly eating meat in the small kitchen.

After drinking clear broth for half a month, that quack finally let me eat a little something else with each meal.

I, the dignified Empress of Great Qi, was forced to this point by a quack.

I lay in my elder sister’s arms seeking comfort. Elder sister gently touched my forehead with her finger, telling me to obediently listen.

When my cold and fever completely recovered, I immediately went to the Empress Dowager’s sleeping quarters. The Empress Dowager held my hand distressedly, saying I had lost a whole circle of weight.

I felt anyone who didn’t have a drop of oil for half a month would lose a circle of weight.

After staying at the Empress Dowager’s sleeping quarters for a while, someone came to report that Noble Consort Shen Wanrong was pregnant. I went to look and rewarded her with some things. A few days later, someone else reported that Consort Song was pregnant.

So everyone was getting pregnant together?

I went to Linglong Pavilion to visit Noble Consort Chen. Oh, right, I was afraid Noble Consort Chen would be reminded of sad things staying at Pingqing Palace, so I gave her the beautifully decorated Linglong Pavilion and occasionally chatted with her.

She had such a good personality. Originally, I thought she was the gentle type like elder sister, but after spending time together, I discovered she had a lively personality and got along well with me.

When I arrived, she was tinkering with her little vegetable garden, telling me she wanted to plant some grapes and would send them to Fengqi Palace for me to eat when they ripened.

I rolled up my sleeves and tinkered with her all afternoon before we barely managed to set up the flower frame. We were so tired we lay on the table, smiling at each other.

I told her at our speed, we couldn’t finish in five days—we should find a gardener.

She nodded in agreement.

I also told her not to be sad about Noble Consort Shen Wanrong and Consort Song being pregnant—she would have children too.

She thought for a while and said these two women’s children would probably be born smoothly if nothing unexpected happened.

I didn’t argue.

After staying a bit longer, Xiao Shengzi came to say Zhang Jingxing was coming to Fengqi Palace. I desperately told Noble Consort Chen I had to drink medicine again, and she laughingly told me to hurry back.

I felt being an emperor was too easy—he even had time to watch me drink medicine every day.

The medicine that the quack prescribed was not ordinarily bitter. I didn’t want to drink it.

This time, I smashed the bowl again. Now I knew why Zhang Jingxing always smashed bowls in previous years—because it felt great!

After smashing the bowl, I looked at Zhang Jingxing smugly. I felt I deserved a beating now.

But Zhang Jingxing was a gentleman—he wouldn’t hit me.

He looked at me for a while and asked if I really wouldn’t drink it.

I said they could beat me to death, and I still wouldn’t drink it.

Then he drank the medicine.

What kind of operation was this?

Then he also also also also… ki-ki-ki-kissed me!

Me???????

He spat the medicine into my mouth!

I $&.. #^#

Then he asked again if I really wouldn’t drink it?

I tremblingly nodded. “Drink… drink drink, I’ll drink.”

I grabbed the bowl and poured it into my mouth.

Too terrifying.

This emperor was too terrifying.

“Good girl.” He patted my head, his eyes and brows full of smiles. I felt it was the medicine that was too bitter, so bitter that it affected my brain and ears. I heard indulgence in his voice.

I was going crazy.

The weather had been particularly cold lately. Afraid Noble Consort Shen Wanrong and Consort Song would catch a cold during pregnancy, I had Zhirong send more charcoal and occasionally went to check on them myself.

When they came to pay respects in the morning, I was usually barely awake. Listening to these young ladies bicker was a good way to wake up.

One night after drinking medicine, Zhang Jingxing asked if I wanted to leave the palace to play. I thought I heard wrong and asked if he was lying to me.

He asked when he had ever lied to me. I thought about it—he seemed to have never lied to me.

So I was in particularly good spirits for the next few days. Noble Consort Chen asked if something happy had happened to me. I smiled and whispered in her ear, “Guess.”

Noble Consort Chen looked at me blandly. I felt she was probably wondering what crime disrespecting the empress was.

At the end of the twenty-first year of Jinghui’s reign, the Qi Kingdom’s New Year.

This was my second time hosting the New Year’s banquet. I was more skilled than the first time. Granny Zhang kindly told me the empress was intelligent.

I felt she was flattering me.

During the evening banquet, I suggested to Zhang Jingxing that we might as well take the opportunity of the New Year to promote everyone’s ranks. Zhang Jingxing told me to handle it as I saw fit.

He also told me to change into lighter clothes tonight—he would take me out of the palace.

I was even happier.

I ordered everyone’s rank to be promoted by one level. Everyone looked very happy.

After the banquet ended, I asked Noble Consort Chen—oh wait, Noble Consort Chen Xiuyi—if tonight’s wine-fermented sweet dumplings were delicious. She nodded and told me she knew I had specially requested them for her.

I chatted with her quietly for a while with a grin, then hurried back to the palace, afraid Zhang Jingxing would get impatient waiting.

I chose a peach-pink dress. Afraid I’d be cold, Zhirong also put a white fox fur cloak on me, making me look like a little dumpling. When I came out and saw Zhang Jingxing still dressed in black, standing there.

I felt the two of us standing together also looked like Black and White Impermanence.

Usually in the palace, we walked openly. This was the first time sneaking around like this, and I felt somewhat nervous. I gently tugged at Zhang Jingxing’s sleeve, and he asked what was wrong.

His voice was a bit loud. I quickly covered his mouth, lowering my voice to tell him to speak quietly.

He smiled and nodded.

Don’t ask how I knew he was smiling even with my hand covering his mouth—I already said I knew what kind of fart he was releasing.

He also asked in a low voice why we needed to speak quietly.

I felt his brain wasn’t working well.

I said we were sneaking out of the palace now—what if the guards discovered us?

Then he laughed even harder.

I felt it was my brain that wasn’t working well. He was the emperor, I was the empress—I’d never heard of imperial couples being caught by guards in the palace.

Sigh, why had I been foolish from childhood to now?

I felt a bit embarrassed and wanted to find a way to resolve this awkwardness and not seem so stupid.

Looking up, I fell into a lake of deep waters.

His eyes were very beautiful, so beautiful that I could see the sun, moon, and stars within them, mountains, and flowing rivers. I could see the setting sun over a long river, shallow grass that didn’t reach a horse’s hooves. I could see myself, all in white, standing on tiptoe to cover his mouth—a tiny me.

He asked what I was looking at.

I saw that tiny me in his eyes and said, “There’s a me in your eyes.”

He moved my hand away, lowered his head to kiss my lips, and told me his eyes had always held only me.

I seemed to understand what that soft sensation on my lips had been that year in the snow when a black fox fur cloak covered my head.

Even after leaving the palace, my heart was beating quite fast.

I must be sick again. That quack doctor hadn’t even detected it—truly a quack!

After leaving the palace, we found an inn, and Zhang Jingxing took me to play on the streets.

This was my first time not being indoors during the New Year. So New Year could be this lively!

I walked and stopped, feeling that many things here were very novel. I asked Zhang Jingxing if he could bring me here every year in the future.

He smiled and promised me.

We wandered until midnight. Snow began falling again. Ahead, someone was performing fire-breathing. The goose-feather-sized snowflakes disappeared instantly when they fell on the fire.

I pointed in amazement, wanting to call Zhang Jingxing to come see. Just as I turned around, I saw him standing behind me.

At that moment, I couldn’t hear any sound or see anyone else. I could only see snowflakes slowly falling on Zhang Jingxing. His dark robe was covered with snowflakes. He just stood there looking at me, as if he had been standing there for many years.

I remembered that winter in my first year in the palace when I missed home so much. I squatted in the snow, crying. When I got tired of crying and stood up to leave, I turned around and saw Zhang Jingxing standing behind me, reaching out his hand, saying he would take me to eat osmanthus cakes.

I felt it was necessary to have that quack doctor examine me again after returning to the palace. My heart was starting to beat very fast again, as if it wanted to jump out.

I didn’t speak back to the inn. Zhang Jingxing asked if I was cold. I shook my head, then nodded. He asked the innkeeper for a basin of hot water, took off my shoes, and sat in front of me to wash my feet.

He frowned and said my feet were so cold, yet I still wanted to stay outside for so long. I wanted to tell him the water was a bit hot, but after thinking about it, I decided not to say anything.

The snow on his body had already melted into water droplets. I reached out to touch them—a handful of water.

Something seemed to melt in my heart.

Breaking through ten years of wind, snow, ice, and frost, drilling out from frozen soil.

He said he wanted to hold me while I slept. I thought about it and told him he couldn’t steal the blanket. He nodded solemnly, so I made room for him.

The next day, before dawn, he woke me up, saying he wanted to take me somewhere. I drowsily asked him what place required going so early.

He wouldn’t tell me. He washed my face with hot water, tidied me up, and then helped me onto a carriage.

I leaned against him to wake up. By the time we were getting off, I was awake.

It was a… emmm, library?

Forgive my limited experience—this was just a small thatched hut with no plaque at all. If I hadn’t seen the neat bookshelves inside, I would have suspected I had offended Zhang Jingxing somehow, and he was going to kill me to silence me.

After waiting a while, an old grandfather slowly walked out, looked at us both, then went back in.

The second time he came out, there was an old grandmother with him. The grandmother seemed to have trouble with her legs and was helped by the grandfather to slowly walk to a bench nearby.

She kindly asked for our birth dates and times. Zhang Jingxing respectfully answered.

She asked our names. I felt that any normal person should be startled hearing Zhang Jingxing’s name.

But indeed, the world is vast, and my experience was too shallow.

The old grandmother only paused briefly, then continued writing.

After finishing, she handed it to the old grandfather, who gave us each a sheet.

I looked at this red paper. “Marriage compatibility certificate?”

The old grandfather glanced at me and said impatiently, “What else would it be, a divorce document?”

What had I done wrong? Why hurt me like this?

Zhang Jingxing patted my head and said, “My wife’s brain hasn’t worked well since childhood…”

I wondered if I stepped on his foot, would he finish me off on the spot?

Zhang Jingxing picked up the brush and, after writing a few characters, seeing I still wasn’t moving, pushed me. “Silly wife, write quickly.”

I I I I… I’m not silly.

Although I had been studying and practicing calligraphy in the Empress Dowager’s palace since childhood, a person can’t be excellent at everything. So I only learned to write beautifully, but didn’t learn anything related to talent.

Otherwise, how could I write “A gentleman’s word, hard to chase with four horses” under Zhang Jingxing’s “Forever united in harmony, protecting you in lasting peace”?

Zhang Jingxing looked at what I wrote and smiled.

I felt he was looking down on me.

But this couldn’t be blamed on me. If he had told me in advance we were coming to write a marriage compatibility certificate, I would have worked with Noble Consort Chen to come up with eight very grand words.

“Writing this marriage compatibility certificate means staying together for life, never abandoning each other except in death. Have you two thought this through?” The old grandfather seemed to find us disagreeable and always spoke impatiently.

“Hey, old man, how can you talk like that?” The old grandmother knocked her walking stick against the old grandfather and smiled at me, saying, “Little girl, you must think carefully. Once you write this certificate and follow this person, whether poor or rich, in the future, you cannot abandon each other.”

I thought Zhang Jingxing couldn’t very well depose an empress, and I couldn’t see other men in the palace, so generally there shouldn’t be any problems. I nodded and said I had thought it through.

“Then this old woman wishes the Emperor and Empress harmony and beauty, sharing eternal years.”

I was stunned.

So they knew we were…

Then then then, how dare that old grandfather be so rude?

After leaving, Zhang Jingxing told me those two elderly people—one was the imperial grandfather’s teacher, the other was the imperial grandmother’s personal palace maid. After leaving the palace, they opened a marriage consultation place that only operated in the early morning.

Zhang Jingxing then took me to Jin Yu Pavilion, where he specially made two small boxes to put the marriage compatibility certificates in. He also took a strand of my hair, tied it together with his using red thread, and put it inside.

One box each.

He had been emperor for twenty-one years, yet now he was doing these things. I tilted my head, looking at him, seeming not to recognize him anymore.

We returned to the palace on the afternoon of New Year’s Day. As soon as we returned, Granny Zhang called us to the Empress Dowager’s palace.

My first reaction was: It’s over, I’m probably going to have to go outside and look at scenery again.

Unexpectedly, the Empress Dowager only asked where I had gone. After I told her truthfully, I presented the wooden box.

The Empress Dowager looked at the marriage compatibility certificate for a long time without scolding me, only telling me to go check on Consort Song.

Walking to the door, I suddenly remembered I hadn’t taken back my box. When I went back to get it, I heard the Empress Dowager say to Granny Zhang:

“She’s a silly fool.”

Wuu wuu wuu, why scold me again?

After retrieving my small box, I had Zhirong take it back to Fengqi Palace first. I took Xiao Shengzi to Consort Song’s Dexin Palace. Halfway there, I met Imperial Consort Chen, who said she would accompany me.

Along the way, Imperial Consort Chen told me what had happened while I was away. Consort Song was fond of alcohol and drank too much on New Year’s Eve. She had threatened miscarriage at midnight, but both the Emperor and I were not in the palace, and the Empress Dowager was also asleep. She felt as the highest-ranking person in the palace, she should take responsibility, so she called for the Imperial Physician to quickly examine her.

The Imperial Physician said, fortunately, they came early—if they had been a quarter hour later, something serious might have happened.

Simply put, everything was resolved. I just needed to go comfort and visit her.

When I saw Consort Song, I felt somewhat embarrassed and kept apologizing to her. She seemed very surprised and repeatedly said she didn’t deserve it.

After allocating a ginseng from the small storehouse for her to nourish her body, I left with Imperial Consort Chen. Consort Song’s palace maid saw us off. I asked if Zhang Jingxing had come. She shook her head.

Later, I told Zhang Jingxing that Noble Consort Chen had merit—why not promote her to consort rank? He smiled and teased me, saying, “The Empress is showing favoritism.”

I looked innocent. Imperial Consort Chen had protected the imperial heir and deserved a reward.

Then Chen Yiyi changed from Imperial Consort Chen to Consort Chen. When Chen Yiyi came to play with me, I was wrapped in fox fur, building a snowman.

“Consort Chen has arrived.”

“You just want me to do more work.”

I smiled and nodded. So my little scheme was discovered so quickly.

She asked what I had done with Zhang Jingxing during those two days of the New Year. I said we strolled the streets and bought food.

She didn’t believe me and used snow to wipe away the forehead flower that Zhirong had carefully painted for me.

—

The difficult winter finally passed. Near the end of spring, a spring rain froze the relationship between the Empress Dowager and Zhang Jingxing to the extreme.

From somewhere came rumors, and the palace began discussing that Zhang Jingxing was not the Empress Dowager’s biological son. When many people spread it, many people believed it.

In court, a senior civil official also submitted a memorial requesting that Zhang Jingxing’s birth mother be established as Empress Dowager.

“This civil official is too bad! The Empress Dowager raised Zhang Jingxing for over twenty years, working so hard, yet he says such things about her!” I angrily ate osmanthus cakes, cursing the civil official whom I had never met with my elder sister.

“Minister Song is a veteran official of two dynasties who also made great contributions in bringing down Zhang Jingqing. He has always been His Majesty’s loyal minister. This sudden memorial without warning suggests there may be some hidden circumstances about past events.” Elder sister frowned and took away the osmanthus cakes in front of me. “The rear palace must not interfere in politics. You can only say such things to me, absolutely not to others.”

I begged elder sister to tell me about when the previous emperor was still alive.

Elder sister said she was also a four or five-year-old child then and only vaguely remembered that when the previous emperor was still alive, he especially favored a Noble Consort Cloud. This Noble Consort Cloud was from an entertainer background, rising from Baolin to Noble Consort with exclusive favor. But she died in childbirth from complications, and the previous emperor couldn’t bear the shock. He died of excessive grief before even holding the child.

The Empress ordered the killing of all palace maids and eunuchs around Noble Consort Cloud. Holding an edict the previous emperor had written, she carried the newborn and ascended to the throne.

This operation was so smooth that by the time everyone realized what had happened, Zhang Jingxing’s name was already recorded in the imperial registry.

When elder sister told me this much, Consort Chen came to bring me crystal soup dumplings she had made. She had recently become obsessed with cooking and always brought me her new creations to try first.

There were always more failures than successes…

If she and I had no enmity, I would suspect she wanted to poison me.

When I said this to her, she glanced at me with her peach blossom eyes and said I had a persecution complex.

I introduced her as my elder sister, and introduced elder sister to the Consort Chen, Chen Yiyi, whom I often mentioned.

When elder sister saw Chen Yiyi, she spilled water from her teacup. I felt it was probably because I had poured too much.

Elder sister went inside to change clothes and stayed away for a long time. I wanted to have Zhirong go check, but Consort Chen said she would go, telling Zhirong and me to try her crystal soup dumplings.

Soon after Chen Yiyi went in, they both came out. Elder sister told us to play while she went back first.

This was the shortest visit elder sister had ever made.

Zhang Jingxing hadn’t been to the Empress Dowager’s palace for a month. I still came to talk with the Empress Dowager as usual, never mentioning his name.

The previous court was still debating establishing Noble Consort Cloud as Empress Dowager. In the rear palace, Consort Song was promoted to Imperial Consort Song due to her pregnancy.

I felt Noble Consort Shen Wanrong was also pregnant, so for fairness, her rank should also be raised. I told Zhang Jingxing to promote her to Noble Consort, but he disagreed, so I ordered her promoted to Imperial Consort.

The Empress Dowager sighed and told me I shouldn’t have done that.

I said being emperor should mean treating everyone equally. Both were pregnant—promoting only one person’s rank wouldn’t be unfair?

The Empress Dowager laughed, saying this didn’t sound like something I could say.

Due to the late spring cold, the Empress Dowager’s health became even worse. I went to find the Imperial Physician, who only said rest and recuperation. This angered me so much that I smashed all the teacups on the table.

Granny Zhang stopped me, telling me not to be angry.

I went to Qianming Palace to find Zhang Jingxing. Eunuch Quan wouldn’t let me in. I encountered Consort Song coming out of Qianming Palace.

Yes, she was now Consort Song.

She told me His Majesty was handling government affairs and temporarily couldn’t see me, asking me to return first.

I slapped her and told her to kneel. She refused me, so I slapped her again.

I huffily returned to Ci Ning Palace and told the Empress Dowager that Song Yanzhi was disrespectful to me. The Empress Dowager stroked my head, her eyes full of loving kindness.

Then I was confined to Fengqi Palace for half a month.

Indeed, men’s mouths are lying ghosts.

I was probably the first empress in Great Qi history to be confined for slapping a consort.

Zhirong picked up an osmanthus cake and ate it herself, casually replying to me, “Not so.”

Me: “……”

Fine, I was ignorant.

Anyway, I was very angry. This caused Eunuch Quan to come find me several times during my confinement, but I wouldn’t see him. Zhirong said there must be something important.

So I let him in. The first thing he did upon entering was kneel. Hmph, if he loved kneeling so much, let him kneel. I was too lazy to bother with him.

Seeing I was ignoring him, he crawled to my feet and told me not to be angry with His Majesty—His Majesty had his difficulties.

I smiled and had Zhirong throw him out.

As soon as the half-month period ended, I immediately flew to Ci Ning Palace. Seeing the Empress Dowager still sitting there well, I breathed a long sigh of relief.

The Empress Dowager smiled and wiped the tears from my face, telling me she had promised to live to a hundred. Our little Wan’er hadn’t yet learned how to be empress properly—she wouldn’t let anything happen to herself.

I nodded vigorously, making her promise not to break her word.

Consort Song became increasingly favored and more arrogant. In the mornings, she looked at everyone with displeasure, especially Chen Yiyi.

I felt she probably couldn’t stand Chen Yiyi being at the same rank as her.

Fortunately, I was usually tolerant and considerate toward them, so not many sided with her.

Elder sister reminded me to protect Imperial Consort Shen well. Since they were both pregnant, Consort Song would see her as a thorn in her side.

So I ran between Ci Ning Palace and Huale Palace every day.

Whenever I rewarded Imperial Consort Shen with something, Consort Song wanted it too, even food.

Not wanting to argue with her, I had Eunuch Quan deliver things to Dexin Palace.

Chen Yiyi asked why I didn’t have Zhirong go. I threw a willow branch at her head and scolded her for being silly—what if she did something to frame me?

Chen Yiyi laughingly called me cunning.

I also felt I was getting smarter.

When I told elder sister, she stroked my head and said I had grown up.

On the day Imperial Consort Shen gave birth, Consort Song called away all the Imperial Physicians and midwives, saying she had threatened miscarriage. Imperial Consort Shen had no midwife. I frantically went to find Zhang Jingxing, but Eunuch Quan said he had left the palace.

I wanted to go to Dexin Palace to steal people, but the Imperial Guards wouldn’t let me in.

Fine! Zhang Jingxing had even assigned Imperial Guards to her!

Consort Song’s palace maid Shuang’er even told me the birthing room was impure and I’d better not enter.

I slapped her and sentenced her to twenty strokes, asking how I couldn’t visit the person I had carefully cared for ten months, who was now hanging between life and death.

Entering the birthing room, I saw Imperial Consort Shen struggling in pain on the bed. I held her hand and told her she must persevere.

I told her I had already sent people to drag that quack doctor from his home into the palace.

She said, “Your Majesty Empress, I’m unwilling! I avoided and endured Song Yanzhi every day. If I die like this, I’m unwilling, unwilling, Your Majesty Empress!”

Later, she said if she died, I must help care for her child. She didn’t seek wealth and status, only smooth sailing.

She spoke with such force, gripping my hand so hard it hurt. After struggling like this until midnight, the child was born.

I didn’t know how to hold a baby and was afraid of hurting her, so I had the midwife hold the baby for her to see. I told her it was a little princess, the first child in the palace, the eldest imperial daughter.

She smiled weakly, wanting to touch the child. Her hand stopped in mid-air and fell limply.

I hadn’t had time to say “Let’s give her a name.”

I softly called to her, but she didn’t respond.

I pushed her, but she did not react.

The Imperial Physician took her pulse, checked her neck pulse, and told me Imperial Consort Shen had passed away.

I was very angry. This quack doctor!

I felt I should teach Consort Song a lesson, tell her the rear palace still had me, and I was very capable!

Before reaching Dexin Palace, Granny Zhang pulled me away.

Granny Zhang said the Empress Dowager was looking for me. When I arrived at Ci Ning Palace, I found Eunuch Quan was also there. Entering the room, I indeed saw Zhang Jingxing.

Wasn’t he supposed to have left the palace?

Zhang Jingxing told me that the Song clan, relying on being veteran officials of two dynasties and having quelled rebellion, had become increasingly arrogant in court in recent years, forming cliques and openly challenging imperial authority. So he had no choice but to first favor Consort Song while secretly finding faults with the Song family.

I remembered when palace rumors spread, I told him that while it was true the Empress Dowager wasn’t his birth mother, it was also true she had carefully raised and taught him for over twenty years. If he turned against the Empress Dowager over such matters, he would be a fool.

He smiled and told me he knew.

After subsequent events occurred, I thought his saying he knew was a lie. Now it seemed he knew.

He stroked my head and apologized, saying I was still young, so he hadn’t told me beforehand that this was all a play he and the Empress Dowager had directed.

I nodded. I didn’t blame them—I was foolish and couldn’t see through it myself.

I asked him if Imperial Consort Shen’s death was also part of the play.

Zhang Jingxing’s hand on my head paused. He told me to promote Imperial Consort Shen to Consort Zhaoyi and bury her in the imperial mausoleum.

I lowered my head and thought—promoting two ranks was quite good.

I asked if the little princess could be given to Consort Chen to raise, as she had the highest rank in the palace besides me.

He said fine and also said such situations wouldn’t happen again in the future.

I didn’t respond because I didn’t believe him.

A few days later, Consort Song gave birth. On the day she gave birth, Zhang Jingxing copied the Song family’s property on charges that Song’s second son had forcibly seized common women, causing a family’s destruction; the third son had spoken disrespectfully at gambling houses, showing contempt for imperial authority; and Song Yanshao had privately stored military supplies and secretly trained assassins.

I told Zhirong that if Consort Song learned her family was gone after giving birth, that would be too pitiful. Afraid she might do something, we should go check on her.

When we went, Consort Song only had labor pains but hadn’t yet shown signs of giving birth.

Seeing me arrive, she only glanced up and said she paid respects to Her Majesty the Empress.

She was always like this. I didn’t want to argue with her either.

I told her that her belly looked bigger than Consort Zhaoyi’s—perhaps it was a boy. She quickly said “fie fie fie,” saying I was speaking of a dead person in front of her, which was inauspicious.

I felt Consort Zhaoyi was a quiet person. Everyone said I was foolish and didn’t want to explain things I didn’t understand, but Consort Zhaoyi was different. She always patiently told me about each flower’s blooming period and said she had originally thought the Empress was lofty and difficult to approach, but didn’t expect me to be so gentle, tolerant, and approachable.

She also said I was beautiful. Besides Zhang Jingqing and elder sister, she was the third person to say I was beautiful.

I quite liked her.

I asked Consort Song why she didn’t like Consort Zhaoyi. She said the Shen family was merely fifth-rank clerks—how could they deserve her liking?

I felt she was lying, because Chen Yiyi’s father was a first-rank Grand Secretary, yet she didn’t see her liked her much either.

I told her the Song family was merely criminal officials, not even as high-ranking as fifth-rank clerks.

Her beautiful eyes glared, asking what I meant and telling me to continue.

I felt I had said something wrong and stopped speaking, telling her to give birth properly before leaving.

Not long after I left, wails came from Dexin Palace. I told Zhirong she was probably about to give birth. Zhirong asked if I wanted to go back and see.

I shook my head. I didn’t like her.

I slept for a while at Fengqi Palace. Zhirong came to tell me the fetus was too large and Consort Song had died in childbirth. I asked if she had given birth to a boy or a girl. Zhirong said it was a boy, but he had also died.

I nodded and took out the edict Zhang Jingxing had written beforehand for Zhirong to handle. It stated that Song’s arrogance and tyranny had caused Consort Zhaoyi’s death, plus family reasons, granting white silk.

Elder sister entered the palace to see me, asking how I was. I shook my head and said I was fine.

I said, wasn’t it time for consort selection? The palace had suddenly lost two people.

Elder sister told me to wait a bit longer and looked at me with concern.

I told her this time the chicken leg didn’t taste good—did they forget to add salt?

I went to chat with the Empress Dowager every day as usual. When I had nothing to do, I would look at the little princess, or practice calligraphy and read books by myself. What I did most was still copy Buddhist scriptures.

Zhirong asked why I liked copying Buddhist scriptures so much, but didn’t go to Buddhist temples to pray.

I told her that Buddhist temples were either on mountaintops or halfway up mountains. Climbing up would exhaust me to death—I wouldn’t go.

Besides, I didn’t like copying them. I was just used to it.

Once you become accustomed to something, it’s very difficult to change.

In the blink of an eye, autumn arrived. Zhang Jingxing asked if I wanted to go hunting. I thought about the painful experience of the last hunt and waved my hand, saying Forget it.

Zhang Jingxing said that was fine too. If there were assassins again this time, I couldn’t stay with him and block swords for him.

I said I would accompany him, waiting outside for his return.

Originally, imperial relatives and civil and military officials should have joined the hunt together, but by Zhang Jingxing’s time, all the imperial family members were dead. His only brother had also died a few years ago, so only civil and military officials came along.

Zhang Jingxing said whoever hunted the most this time could make a wish with him.

They went for most of the day. When everyone returned, they all brought back many prey, except Zhang Jingxing…

Zhang Jingxing brought back two rabbits?

I…

I was overjoyed!

I told him we could finally eat braised rabbit heads.

He flicked my forehead and told me to raise them well and not eat them.

This was simply torture for me. Every day, I faced this snow-white rabbit but couldn’t eat it.

“Braised rabbit head, stir-fried rabbit meat, rabbit tail soup…”

Before I finished speaking, Zhang Jingxing held the rabbit in his arms and gently comforted it, “Don’t be afraid, we won’t eat you. Sister Wan’er will raise you well.”

I nodded in agreement. “Fatten you up before eating.”

Zhang Jingxing glanced at me and asked if I wanted to eat fish for lunch. I said yes.

I told Zhirong not to light so many charcoal fires—it was too hot. Zhang Jingxing touched my cold hands with a stern face and told Zhirong to add another hand warmer for me.

Using my cold hands as an excuse, Zhang Jingxing wouldn’t let me serve myself food—he fed me instead.

I seriously told him I would only eat a little bit, and he wasn’t allowed to keep serving me.

He asked why I suddenly said this. I thought about it and was too lazy to answer him.

I was eating fine until I tasted the fish and felt the smell was too strong, making me vomit immediately.

Zhirong quickly handed me water. After rinsing my mouth, I still couldn’t stop dry heaving.

Then Zhang Jingxing excitedly called for the Imperial Physician. When I looked, oh, it was still that quack doctor.

I had already decided that if he made me eat plain boiled cabbage again this time, I would throw him in the pond to feed the fish.

He stayed at my wrist for a long time—so long I thought he was taking advantage of me in front of Zhang Jingxing.

Then he asked when my last monthly cycle was. How could I remember? Zhirong said it was the month before last.

That quack doctor knelt before Zhang Jingxing and me with an excited expression, saying, “Congratulations, Your Majesty, felicitations, Your Majesty! Her Majesty the Empress is already two months pregnant.”

I was stunned.

Zhirong was stunned.

Zhang Jingxing was also stunned.

Coming to my senses, I grabbed that quack doctor’s sleeve and asked if it was true.

He smiled and told me, “This old minister has practiced medicine for over thirty years. I could never mistake a pregnancy pulse.”

He turned to Zhang Jingxing and said a two-month fetus was unstable and must be carefully tended. He also said I was cold-natured, and as it was already late autumn, I absolutely mustn’t catch a cold.

After speaking, he went to write prescriptions.

I saw Zhang Jingxing seemed to want to hug me, but didn’t dare. That cautious appearance—I had only seen it when I woke up after the assassination attempt.

Palace news traveled fast. Within half an hour, the Empress Dowager came personally.

I quickly went to support her. She was so happy she shed tears and ordered generous rewards for everyone in Fengqi Palace.

The next day, the palace consorts came early, each smiling more happily than the last.

I wondered—I wasn’t carrying their children, so what were they so happy about?

On the third day, my elder sister and Father came to see me together. I felt elder sister was going to cry again.

Sure enough… Huh, she didn’t?

Father’s health was getting worse. I told Father to take good care of his health—he would need to hold his grandchild in the future.

Father waved his hand grandly, saying these were old ailments from the battlefield and nothing serious.

The happiest was Zhang Jingxing. Almost every day after court, he would run to my place. I asked if I couldn’t leave the palace for the New Year this year. He smiled and embraced me, saying that next year we could go as a family of three.

I suggested having Consort Chen help me with the New Year banquet, giving her authority to assist in managing the rear palace.

Zhang Jingxing said Fine. I also suggested promoting her to First Rank Noble Consort Shu.

He said that was too fast, after the New Year’s banquet.

When I revealed this news to Chen Yiyi, she rolled her beautiful eyes and said she was already tired from caring for the little princess daily—where would she find time for New Year banquets?

I said Come on, if she cared for her daily, why was the little princess now with Lady Yu in her palace?

I felt Chen Yiyi was suitable for managing the rear palace. The New Year banquet she organized was much more spectacular than mine.

I decided to have her do it every year from now on.

She seemed to see through my thoughts, glared at me, and mouthed “impossible.”

It didn’t matter—I would pretend I didn’t understand.

So during the New Year banquet, Zhang Jingxing announced promoting Consort Chen to First Rank Noble Consort Shu with authority to assist in managing the six palaces.

Because I was pregnant and couldn’t be exposed to the wind, Zhang Jingxing took me away early, letting them play by themselves.

I wanted to play with them too.

This winter took away my Empress Dowager.

Originally, the Empress Dowager’s health had greatly improved, but somehow, it suddenly deteriorated again.

When I heard this news, I was having a tug-of-war with Zhang Jingxing because I didn’t want to drink pregnancy-preserving medicine.

When we rushed to Ci Ning Palace, palace servants were kneeling everywhere.

Granny Zhang said the Empress Dowager wanted to see Zhang Jingxing first. I waited outside for a quarter hour before Zhang Jingxing let me in.

I ran to the Empress Dowager’s side. She told me to stay farther away, careful not to pass illness to the child.

I cried, saying What time was this? How could she still care about such things?

The Empress Dowager held my hand, looking at me lovingly, telling me not to cry.

“When this old woman first saw you, you were only six years old, such a tiny person following Ruohua to greet me. Your baby voice was so adorable.”

“Don’t blame this old woman for keeping you in the palace from childhood. I had no choice. Only your father in court could help us, mother and son, but I, I didn’t dare stake everything on him. I could only bring his little daughter into the palace as a hostage.”

I cried and shook my head, my voice choked. “No… Empress Dowager, Wan’er doesn’t blame you, never blamed you.”

“Good… good child.” The Empress Dowager moved her hand to touch my face. “What this old woman regrets most is your big brother’s death. That year, when the Western Barbarians invaded, court villains rose everywhere. I really couldn’t spare forces to send reinforcements, which caused… which caused your brother’s death. I’ve wronged you, wronged your Zhao family.”

“Cheng Ya was also raised by me. Dying in a foreign land was my fault, my fault!” The Empress Dowager beat her chest with her hand, tears streaming down her face.

“No… Empress Dowager, it’s not like that.” I cried until I almost couldn’t breathe. Zhang Jingxing supported my shoulders, his eyes red. “Empress Dowager, you promised Wan’er. You said you would live to a hundred and always protect Wan’er. You pushed Wan’er onto this empress throne—you must… must take responsibility for Wan’er… Empress Dowager!”

“Wan’er, don’t cry, don’t cry anymore.” The Empress Dowager seemed to want to smile, but she no longer had the strength to smile. “From now on, Jingxing will protect you and you’ll be safe.”

“I’m old and tired. Before dying, the previous emperor told me he was waiting for me in heaven. I’m going to find him. Promise me you’ll get along well with Jingxing, don’t… don’t be like me and the previous emperor…”

After saying this, the Empress Dowager closed her eyes.

I felt this must be a dream.

I was certain I was in a dream.

Because I saw myself—

At six, hiding under blankets, crying from homesickness, being held by the Empress Dowager.

At seven, writing crooked characters, the Empress Dowager smiled and said they looked good.

At nine, falling in the snow, the Empress Dowager quickly picked me up and asked if I was hurt.

At ten, Buddhist scriptures were copied through the night, carefully collected by the Empress Dowager.

At twelve, punished to kneel in snow, fainting, the Empress Dowager anxiously paced in the room.

At thirteen, returning to the palace covered in blood, the Empress Dowager slapped Zhang Jingxing.

At fourteen, when I said I wanted to leave the palace, the Empress Dowager cried alone in her room all night.

At fifteen, wearing phoenix robes to greet the Empress Dowager, who said our little Wan’er looked so beautiful.

At sixteen, telling her I didn’t want to be empress anymore, the panic in her eyes.

At seventeen, news of my pregnancy reached Ci Ning Palace, and she hurriedly got up from bed to see me.

Same year, she collapsed.

The Empress Dowager, who had accompanied me for eleven years, longer than even Mother had, was gone.

Gone forever.

Leaving me alone to float and sink in this man-eating rear palace.

“Empress Dowager!”

I cried and sat up. Zhang Jingxing held me tight, his body trembling slightly.

“Zhao Wan’er, I command—you’re not allowed to have anything happen to you. Mother is already gone. Do you want me to lose you, too?”

I spent three months in a daze. Suddenly, one day, something moved in my belly. I looked down at my somewhat round stomach—another movement.

“It… it kicked me.”

This was the first time I had spoken in three months. Noble Consort Shu immediately reddened her eyes and scolded, “I thought you’d become mute and couldn’t speak. You still know there’s a child in your belly! Living like a walking corpse every day—what are we supposed to do?”

When Zhang Jingxing came to see me that evening, I looked at him for a while. He had gotten thin, very thin.

“I’m sorry.”

His body stiffened. He turned to look at me in disbelief. I stood up, stood on tiptoe to kiss the corner of his mouth, and repeated, “These three months, I’m sorry.”

Perhaps there would be times in the future when I’d have to say sorry too.

Zhang Jingxing seemed to have found a treasure. The light in his eyes brightened again. He shook his head and told me it was fine, as long as I got better, everything was fine.

That quack doctor said I was already cold-natured, plus excessive grief and accumulated melancholy. Since I hadn’t taken good care during the first five months, this birth would probably be very dangerous.

This was the first time I’d seen Zhang Jingxing angry since I smashed bowls at age twelve. He shouted, “If the Empress has any mishap during delivery, I’ll have your entire Imperial Medical Bureau buried with her!”

I felt this Imperial Physician was too pitiful. After practicing medicine for over thirty years, in his old age, he was not only called a quack by me daily but also faced mortal danger.

It was my own mistake, yet the Imperial Medical Bureau had to pay the price—this made no sense.

I told the quack doctor to get up first and just help me take good care. This pregnancy might require much effort from him.

This scared him into kneeling again just after standing up.

Sigh, this mouth of mine—the more I said, the more mistakes I made.

When elder sister came to see me, she happened to arrive when the quack doctor was telling Zhang Jingxing that Maoshan hot springs were cool in summer, and the springs were beneficial for pregnant women’s recovery. He requested the Empress to move to Maoshan for pregnancy care.

Elder sister told Zhang Jingxing she would accompany me.

Father would personally lead the Zhao family army as an escort.

When I left, Chen Yiyi held the four-month-old princess and stood at the front of all the palace consorts to see me off. I smiled and said it wasn’t like I wasn’t coming back—no need for such a grand send-off.

She told me to quickly say “fie fie fie.”

I smiled and touched the little princess’s head. “Ah Ning must be good and work hard to grow up. Mother will bring you a little brother or sister in a few months.”

Consort Zhaoyi’s princess was named Zhang Kangning, meaning peace and lasting tranquility.

Sister and I sat in the carriage to Maoshan. The carriage was very large, drawn by six horses, and very stable. I leaned against my elder sister and asked if I would die in childbirth like Consort Zhaoyi and the Song commoner.

Elder sister told me gently but firmly that it absolutely would not happen.

The days at Maoshan were very quiet. Every day, I just read books, practiced calligraphy, and copied a whole box of Buddhist scriptures.

Whenever Zhang Jingxing had time, he would come to see me, bringing little trinkets he’d gotten from who knows where.

I knew he was trying to entertain me. I wasn’t bored at all. Maoshan’s tranquility allowed me to carefully think through many things I hadn’t understood before.

In the blink of an eye, it was July, when peaches ripen. After eating a sweet peach, my belly began to ache.

Zhang Jingxing had moved to Maoshan half a month ago to accompany me during the delivery. I told him today was the Ghost Festival and I couldn’t go out with such a big belly. He gently coaxed me, saying he’d take me to see it next year.

After four months of care, my health had improved somewhat. The midwives kept telling me to push harder, push harder.

I wanted to tell them I was already pushing very hard.

Just when I was running out of strength, I heard a cry. The midwives were joyfully shouting with loud voices about twins, a dragon, and a phoenix pair.

I felt they were too noisy and wanted them to leave.

For a moment, the pain made me think I was going to die. I wondered what Consort Zhaoyi had felt during her delivery.

No midwives, no Imperial Physicians, no family.

When she cried and begged me to take good care of her child, how desperate must she have been?

Before I could think further, Zhang Jingxing rushed in and asked how I was. I told him to look at the children. He shook his head, saying, As long as I was fine.

He also said thank you, thank you for not leaving him.

I had no strength to speak and could only smile at him.

Afterward, I moved back to the palace, but my health never really improved. The quack doctor said with a few more years of care, I’d be fine.

Thinking of that medicine bitter enough to make one vomit, I shook my head in fear.

Great Qi had a legitimate son, named Chenghan, whom Zhang Jingxing ordered to be made Crown Prince.

Great Qi also had a legitimate daughter, named Kangle. I chose the name, wanting her to have a life of peace and happiness.

Father held his grandson and laughed heartily. Perhaps his voice was too loud—it made my son cry. Elder sister helplessly glanced at the bewildered Father and took the child in her arms to comfort him.

One-year-old Kangning curiously looked at the little brother and sister in the cradle, babbling. Suddenly, she said “brother,” and we joyfully asked her to say it again. She ignored us and turned to look at Kangle.

My health never improved after giving birth, sustained daily by medicine. Chen Yiyi picked grapes she had grown for me to eat, using the grape skins to feed the rabbit.

The rabbit Zhang Jingxing had caught for me—I never cared for it, yet it had fed itself so well.

I smiled and told Chen Yiyi we could make a big pot of rabbit meat soup now.

Chen Yiyi looked at me sideways and said I should give up this idea early.

I lowered my eyes submissively and said, “Noble Consort Shu is right to scold me.”

—

In the twenty-fourth year of Jinghui’s reign, my Kangle was gone.

She was born so tiny, neither crying nor fussing, feeling like paper when held. I carefully raised her for a year and a half, but she still left me.

Kangle’s departure drained all my energy. I fell so ill I couldn’t get out of bed.

Zhang Jingxing stayed by my side every day, barely managing state affairs.

Elder sister told him I didn’t want to live anymore. He didn’t believe it and still made me take medicine daily, making plans with me for the future.

I obediently drank medicine but didn’t agree to any of his plans.

Sigh, this man.

That same year’s late autumn, after breakfast, I felt quite good and wanted to sit outside. I had Zhirong change me into a peach-pink dress. Afraid I’d be cold, Zhirong also put a white fox fur cloak on me.

I looked down at this outfit—it looked exactly like the night Zhang Jingxing secretly took me out of the palace.

I told Xiao Shengzi to call Zhang Jingxing back.

This was the first time I called him back while he was in court.

Also, the second time, he abandoned the ministers to come see me.

That year of assassination, my heart panicked when I opened my eyes and couldn’t see Zhang Jingxing—I would never tell anyone about that.

I thought something had happened to him. The Zhang Jingxing I had protected with my life—if something still happened to him, I would collapse.

But fortunately, he came back, holding me and telling me never to do this again.

I truly saw the panic in his eyes, crying in front of me like a little child.

My heart softened completely.

Zhao Wan’er, you’re finished, finished long ago.

From that year when you flipped the table and were punished by the Empress Dowager to kneel in the snow, when Zhang Jingxing came to hold an umbrella for you, you were finished then.

Or even earlier, in your first year in the palace, squatting on the ground crying, turning to see his outstretched hand, using that same childish yet pretending-to-be-mature manner to tell you he’d take you to eat osmanthus cakes—you were finished then.

“Where’s Zhang Jingxing?” I held the rabbit and asked Zhirong.

“His Majesty is behind you.”

I turned and saw Zhang Jingxing in dark dragon robes standing not far behind me.

I told him to come hug me. He gently embraced me. I told Zhirong to bring a beauty couch—I was tired of standing and wanted to sit, waiting for sunset.

I told him it would probably be today. I had a feeling.

He ignored me.

It didn’t matter—he often ignored me. I was used to it.

I told him not to call that quack doctor over. I didn’t want to drink such bitter medicine in what little time remained.

I looked up at him, only able to see his slightly stubbled chin.

I remembered the Empress Dowager once asking if I had Zhang Jingxing in my heart. I said yes.

But the Empress Dowager didn’t believe me.

I was telling the truth then. When I left the palace at fourteen, I couldn’t find the meat buns I’d longed for, couldn’t find A’Qing, who had snowball fights with me, and Mother had moved to a Taoist temple and didn’t want me anymore.

At home reading books, when I saw something interesting and wanted to tell him about it, the feeling of him not being by my side was incredibly disappointing.

On my coming-of-age day, he came. I held his hand while walking, childishly declaring ownership like a little kid.

Father asked me, the Empress Dowager was ill, would I be willing to enter the palace to care for her, but this time, entering as Empress.

I said the Empress Dowager treated me like a daughter, and I was willing.

Only I knew that my “willing” was answering the second sentence.

No one knew how happy I was on the wedding day. I was the Empress. He married three matchmakers and six ceremonies, with Great Qi’s highest rituals, under the attention of all people, sharing the reverence of all officials.

He walked beside me. I was so nervous, I only asked one innocuous question and didn’t dare speak again.

I wanted to ask him, what if I couldn’t be a good empress?

What if the palace wrongly accused me?

What if one day he got tired of me?

So many questions to ask. I was afraid that once I opened my mouth, I couldn’t hide the love in my heart.

Because I was afraid—he was so excellent, as if there was nothing in the world he couldn’t accomplish. But I had been called foolish since childhood. I was afraid I wasn’t worthy of him.

I saw the anger in his eyes when I told him to find others, and saw the affection overflowing from his eyes when he wrote “Forever united in harmony, protecting you in lasting peace.”

I thought he must like me too.

“Your words are sincere, never parting in life or death.

Accepting your promise, faithful until death.”

I wanted to write many, many marriage certificates, wanted to tell him that as long as he didn’t abandon me, I would never fail him.

But I didn’t dare. I was afraid that after letting him see my blazingly passionate true heart, I would have nowhere to hide before him.

“Zhang Jingxing, I like you.”

“I like you very, very much, have liked you since long ago.”

“I know.”

Oh, so he knew.

“When did you know?”

“Long ago.”

I’d hidden it for so long for nothing—how annoying.

“Do you like me?”

“Yes…”

“How much do you like me?”

“Very, very much, a little more than you do.”

I smiled, feeling he didn’t like me as much as I liked him. I raised my hand to wipe the tears from his face, telling him not to cry.

“Father is old and wounded. You must take good care of him.”

“And elder sister, for the Zhao family, for me, she never married her whole life. After I die, you must treat her well. She’s suffered too much, too much.”

“Yiyi is a good girl. She won’t have those thoughts of powerful relatives monopolizing power. The Chen family won’t threaten your imperial authority either. Stop being wary of her.”

“What about me, Zhao Wan’er?” Zhang Jingxing looked down at me, fragile like an injured little beast. “What should I do?”

“In my first year married to you, I hoped you’d live a hundred years and be happy every day. I said it during the toast.” I held him, nuzzling in his embrace. “You wished everything would go as I wished. I did it—every day married to you, everything was satisfactory to me.”

I wanted to tell him that I had killed Consort Song. I knew that whatever I rewarded Consort Zhaoyi, she would demand a share, so when she was pregnant, I gave her many excellent tonics, causing the fetus to grow too large. I also told her about her family’s situation on the eve of her delivery, making her go into premature labor.

She lost a child, so heaven took away my Kangle.

She died in childbirth, so heaven was collecting my life.

I wanted to tell him I missed big brother. The whistle the Xilu princess gave me was left by big brother. She also told me big brother said he had a little sister who had been well-behaved and sensible since childhood, not crying or fussing in the palace. He felt he had wronged me, so he wanted to personally give it to me after this battle and tell me big brother had returned, that I shouldn’t be afraid.

I wanted to tell him that I copied Buddhist scriptures daily, devoutly praying that Great Qi would have eternal stability and prosperity, praying that my husband would no longer live as difficultly as in his youth. But I didn’t dare worship Buddha, didn’t dare let Buddha see the bad things I’d done, didn’t dare let Buddha know my humble yet earnest feelings.

I also wanted to tell him that from entering the palace at six until now, thirteen years, I had cried. The Empress Dowager punished me, cried because my elder sister worked so hard, cried because big brother and Mother passed away, and cried because I finally saw Father.

Only with him was I always joyful.

“Zhang Jingxing, I like you.”

I like you very, very much.

In a trance, I saw the moon rising, as if returning to the New Year of my first year married to him, when he took me out of the palace and I covered his mouth, only able to see his bright eyes.

His eyes were truly beautiful, so beautiful that I could see the sun, moon, and stars within them, mountains, and flowing rivers. I could see the setting sun over a long river, shallow grass that didn’t reach a horse’s hooves. I could see myself, all in white, standing on tiptoe to cover his mouth—a tiny me.

I would never tell anyone that when he said, “My eyes have always held only you,” my heart beat so fast it nearly jumped out of my body.

That was the most beautiful love words I had ever heard in my lifetime.