In the eleventh year of Jinghui’s reign, I was six years old. The Empress Dowager summoned my elder sister and me to Ci Ning Palace, asking if I wanted to always have beautiful clothes to wear. I nodded, and the Empress Dowager smiled.

I smiled too.

Turning my head, I saw my elder sister’s reddened eyes. I thought she must be sad because she hadn’t gotten to eat osmanthus cakes, but I couldn’t give her any because Mother said elder sister would get pockmarks if she ate them.

My sister is so beautiful, even more beautiful than fairies—she absolutely cannot get pockmarks.

The next day, people from the palace came to take me away. I was overjoyed.

Because my little dress was truly beautiful!

The Empress Dowager said the palace had endless little dresses and inexhaustible osmanthus cakes. As long as I liked them, I could wear new dresses and eat osmanthus cakes every day.

After entering the palace, I lived with the Empress Dowager. She would get up very early every morning and lead her son to morning court. I had to wait with an empty stomach until they returned for us to eat together. Sometimes they came back late, and I would have to endure hunger for a long time.

I began to dislike this place a little.

After staying in the palace for several days, the Empress Dowager came back one morning and, after eating with me, said she would take me out for a stroll.

This imperial palace is truly vast! I found it strange—everything here looks the same. Don’t the Empress Dowager and the others get lost?

We stood together in front of a palace gate. The Empress Dowager said this was Fengqi Palace, a place I might live in the future, and asked if I liked it.

I shook my head, saying there were too few people here and it wouldn’t be happy at all to stay inside.

The Empress Dowager laughed, saying many people would come here to play with me in the future, and I would be very happy.

I didn’t quite agree with the Empress Dowager’s words, but I didn’t dare say so. Elder sister had repeatedly warned me never to talk back to the Empress Dowager. She said it so many times that I got annoyed and shouted at her that I knew already.

Then I saw elder sister’s eyes redden again. How come I never noticed before that elder sister cried so easily? I was afraid Mother would see and scold me, so I quickly comforted elder sister, saying I had remembered. Unexpectedly, the elder sister cried even harder.

I… I might get beaten again.

I stayed in the palace, accompanying the Empress Dowager in practicing calligraphy and reading. Most of the time, it was me reading and practicing calligraphy, while the Empress Dowager always sat at a small table piled with books, writing with her son.

Oh, right, I also had to accompany the Empress Dowager’s son for lunch every day. Her son was too boring—he wouldn’t say a word during meals. While it’s true that one shouldn’t speak while eating or sleeping, how can a person eat without making any sound at all?

This made me unhappy during meals, so I ate less. After so many days, I felt I had gotten thinner.

I went to tell the Empress Dowager that I didn’t want to eat with him anymore because I felt I had gotten thinner. The Empress Dowager laughed and said I had gotten rounder.

Then, for some unknown reason, Zhang Jingxing started telling me stories during every meal!

The stories he told were all dull historical tales, sometimes even with scary parts, making it even harder for me to eat properly.

“High mountains inspire reverence; noble conduct guides our path.”

Zhang Jingxing was the name of the Empress Dowager’s son. His demeanor matched his name, giving people the feeling of floating in the heavens, unwilling to associate with us common mortals.

I deliberately wanted to pull him down from his lofty perch. I secretly tore up homework the Imperial Tutor had assigned, put lots and lots of salt in his teapot, or sneaked to his window at night to startle him when he wasn’t paying attention. Every time I saw him jump with anger and shout, “Zhao Wan’er, you are confined to quarters!” I felt this imperial palace was actually quite interesting.

Of course, I would never actually be confined to quarters. I had the Empress Dowager’s support and feared nothing.

I stayed in the palace for a very long time, from when the trees still had green leaves that occasionally dropped caterpillars that startled me, all the way until snow fell from the sky and it was too cold to go outside. Only then did my elder sister come to see me.

The day elder sister came, the palace was celebrating the New Year—oh wait, the entire Qi Kingdom was celebrating the New Year.

I was squatting to the side watching Zhirong skillfully roast sweet potatoes, marveling at how Zhirong, who secretly cooked snacks for me at night, was truly skilled. The aroma wafted out so quickly! And it was chicken-flavored sweet potato, too. I had to say, she was indeed a maid brought from our manor into the palace—this chicken flavor had hints of elder sister’s cooking.

I missed my elder sister a little. It must be the smoke making me tear up. I wiped my tears and saw that Zhirong was also being smoked to tears.

“Little Wan’er!” The smoke was making me hallucinate my elder sister’s voice. I didn’t want to eat roasted sweet potatoes anymore.

Then I turned around and saw a person standing at the doorway. She was truly beautiful, as beautiful as my elder sister. Against the backdrop of heavy snow outside, she looked like someone who had walked out of a painting.

She opened her arms to me, and I quickly rushed over. The smoke here was too overwhelming. When I got back, I would have Zhirong improve her technique.

Elder sister was still as fond of nagging as before. Even when I was eating, she wouldn’t stop, constantly saying in my ear that I should protect myself in the palace, not listen to other people’s words carelessly, take more people when going out, never go out alone, bow when seeing Zhang Jingxing, and so on.

It gave me such a headache. I asked her when I could go home. Before entering the palace, I had promised A’Qing that when it snowed again, I would accompany her in a snowball fight. If I didn’t go back this time, she would secretly make voodoo dolls and curse me again.

Before I finished speaking, I saw elder sister’s eyes redden slightly again, so I quickly shut my mouth wisely.

If I can’t go back, then I can’t go back. Anyway, whether I’m in the palace or at home, I just eat and sleep. As long as my elder sister and Mother visit me more often, it’s fine. I haven’t eaten the meat buns from the shop at our gate for a year now. I wonder if the shopkeeper listened to me and removed the carrots from inside—they ruin the taste.

I played with my elder sister all afternoon, telling her that the food in the palace was delicious, the dresses were beautiful, the Empress Dowager treated me extremely well and had never punished me, and everyone was very good to me, except for that Zhang Jingxing.

Zhang Jingxing wasn’t bad to me; he just ignored me. He ignored everyone, as if saying one more word would kill him.

Elder sister immediately covered my mouth. My Osmanthus cake hadn’t had time to be swallowed yet. I felt my elder sister was doing it on purpose because she couldn’t eat osmanthus cakes and couldn’t bear to see me eat them either.

Elder sister said as long as I behaved in the palace and didn’t cause trouble, she would come to see me often. I asked if she would bring me meat buns from the gate. She looked at me without speaking, probably thinking I was lacking in ambition.

But there was no helping it; those meat buns were delicious.

So for the sake of meat buns, I had to behave.

I worked even harder at learning to write and read. The Empress Dowager asked in surprise why I was so diligent. I said it was because of meat buns. Before the Empress Dowager could respond, Zhang Jingxing sneered at me from the side, calling me stupid.

With so many palace servants around, didn’t I need to face?

Could I tolerate this?

I glared at him angrily, wanting to stare two big holes into his body, but I hadn’t practiced this skill yet, so I let it go for now.

I took out my little notebook to record grudges. When I learned how to kill people with my stare, I would settle both new and old accounts together!

Even Gou Jian endured hardships for ten years. I was only seven years old. When I turned seventeen, I would make Zhang Jingxing pay for what he had done!

Three years passed this way. When I was ten, my elder sister said my big brother had returned. Only then did I vaguely remember I had a big brother.

At the clan banquet, I looked at my big brother from afar. He was also handsome, just a bit dark, especially compared to my elder sister, even darker.

But everyone seemed to like him quite a bit, taking turns toasting him and saying he was accomplished at a young age, brave and skilled in battle.

I didn’t want him to drink so much alcohol. The Empress Dowager said alcohol wasn’t a good thing and was bad for one’s health when drunk in excess. He was my brother after all. If his health were ruined by drinking, it would cost money to treat him. What if our family didn’t have that much money?

I had Zhirong go tell him to drink less. Seeing him look my way, I waved at him, wanting to tell him I was his little sister. His reaction was slow—it took him a long time to wave back.

He probably didn’t recognize me, because I had mostly forgotten I had a brother, too.

My words seemed to have no effect; he kept drinking. It must be that little girl Zhirong didn’t properly explain the harm of drinking to him. I planned to go back and write a proper petition to him, appealing to emotion and reason, asking him to plan early for our Zhao family’s treasury.

I thought I was clever! I had just learned “planning” a few days ago, and today I can already use it. Zhang Jingxing always called me stupid—he’s the stupid one, the big fool.

Zhang Jingxing, you big fool!

But I only dared say these words to myself in my heart. My elder sister told me to be careful with my words. I was really afraid I might say them out loud in my dreams.

Before I finished writing my petition, the Empress Dowager said my brother had gone to the border again. He must like a certain girl there—otherwise, why would he always go there and stay away for so long? He could marry that girl and bring her back. Oh, wait, but then that girl would have to leave her hometown, too.

Sigh, this was a troubling matter. It worried me so much I couldn’t eat all day.

The Empress Dowager had recently become obsessed with Buddhist scriptures. If she liked them, that would be fine, but why did she have to drag me along? She said the characters in those scripture books looked unfamiliar to her and insisted I copy them down for her to read.

Such a thick book! I had to copy until very late every day before I could sleep.

Because I kept falling asleep while copying, every evening I would move the scripture books with Zhirong to Zhang Jingxing’s place. I told him that if he saw me fall asleep, he should knock me hard to wake me up.

He knocked me quite painfully. Every time I had my chicken leg dreams, he would knock me awake. Then I would take out my little notebook to record the grudge before continuing to copy Buddhist scriptures.

But sometimes his eyesight wasn’t good either. When I secretly fell asleep, he didn’t notice. When I woke up and saw he hadn’t discovered it, I quickly started writing again.

A few times when I fell asleep, I woke up to find it was already dawn. I frantically ran to the writing desk and saw the completed scripture copying, completely dumbfounded.

I asked Zhirong if I had copied this. Before Zhirong could answer, Zhang Jingxing said first that only I could write such ugly characters.

I looked carefully, and indeed it was my handwriting. I probably really wasn’t very bright—I didn’t even remember finishing the copying myself.

I thought it must be because I slept too little. I was still a child growing up—how could I have so little sleep every day?

He also slept very late. He seemed to have endless tasks from childhood to now. So being emperor was this exhausting! The Empress Dowager’s heart was too cruel. If I had a child, I definitely wouldn’t let him become emperor.

I suddenly felt a sense of shared suffering. In terms of sleep, we should be comrades, so I discussed with him whether we could talk to the Empress Dowager about giving us easier tasks so we could sleep more.

But he ignored me.

It didn’t matter—it wasn’t the first or second time he ignored me. I was used to it.

My elder sister came to see me again in winter when I was watching Zhirong roast sweet potatoes. I seriously suspected she coveted my sweet potatoes, which was why she came at this time every year. But I wouldn’t give her sweet potatoes because she never brought me meat buns every year.

This year was great—she didn’t cry.

Well, I have been in the palace for six years now. She couldn’t cry for six consecutive years, could she?

This time, she brought braised rabbit heads that Mother had made herself. I wanted to ask why Mother didn’t come to the palace to see me, but given the precedent of her shedding tears every time I asked a question in previous years, this time I just obediently ate.

I had to say, while Mother couldn’t do much else, her braised rabbit heads were divine. I couldn’t help praising them as delicious and casually said it would be great if I could eat them often in the future.

After saying this, I regretted it. Sure enough, I saw my elder sister’s bitter smile and reddened eyes.

Sigh, it was my big mouth again.

—

I huddled in the Empress Dowager’s sleeping quarters for the entire winter.

In the morning, I would get up to read, then wait for Zhang Jingxing to return from court to eat together. His temper hadn’t been good lately—he threw bowls every meal, scaring the palace maids and eunuchs into kneeling in rows.

I felt sorry for the bowls, so I told Eunuch Quan that maybe we should switch to iron bowls that wouldn’t break when thrown.

I hadn’t said anything wrong, yet Eunuch Quan knelt before me, saying, “Miss Zhao, absolutely not!”

I helped him up. If it’s not okay, then it’s not okay—why kneel while saying it?

Today he threw bowls again…

I looked heartbrokenly at the white rice scattered on the ground, with a piece of meat beside it.

If you’re not going to eat it, give it to me. Why throw the bowl?

Elder sister told me I must behave, not cause trouble, be careful with my words and actions, to…

Crash!

Another teacup thrown…

They say Meixi enjoyed hearing the sound of tearing silk. I think Zhang Jingxing must enjoy the sound of breaking bowls. Then I’ll accompany him in throwing things.

So I flipped the table over.

The embarrassing thing was, I originally wanted to flip it gracefully while sitting, but I couldn’t push it. So I stood up and used all my strength.

I patted my hands satisfyingly and grinned proudly at Zhang Jingxing.

I thought he would be happy, maybe even reward me. I had been eyeing his jade thumb ring for a long time.

But he ignored me, just looked at me silently for a while, then swept his sleeves and left.

After he left, the palace servants still didn’t dare get up. It seemed they didn’t want to help me clean up the bowls, so I had to do it myself.

When I squatted down to pick up the first shard, Xiao Shengzi knelt and crawled over, saying he would do it, his voice full of tears.

I thought, if he wants to do it, let him do it. Why cry about it?

Then I took Zhirong back to the Empress Dowager’s place. Granny Zhang said she would make rose cakes for me today, which was perfect since I hadn’t eaten my fill.

While waiting for the rose cakes, the Empress Dowager came over. She said it was beautiful outside and told me to go look.

I went, and it was indeed beautiful outside—all white and vast, just a bit cold. But the Empress Dowager wouldn’t let me go inside; she wanted me to stay outside and look.

Elder sister said I couldn’t disobey the Empress Dowager.

She said as long as I behaved, she would bring me meat buns to eat.

I looked at the snow outside for a long time. I had always thought the imperial palace was beautiful, and it was even more beautiful with snow, just a bit cold.

If I had known I would be outside for so long, I would have worn more clothes. I vaguely remembered that when I was at home, every time it snowed, I would have snowball fights with A’Qing, and I wasn’t afraid of the cold at all then.

I turned to look at Zhirong. She was covered with snow, like a snowman. I giggled, but she was so cold that she was crying.

Then something covered my head. I hadn’t offended anyone, usually—could someone be planning to beat me up with my head covered?

It must be Zhang Jingxing. He was still an emperor, yet so petty!

“Don’t move.”

Hearing Zhang Jingxing’s voice, I immediately didn’t move. I felt that even if I were to be beaten, I should be beaten with dignity. I couldn’t beg for mercy or show weakness, so I straightened my back and closed my eyes tightly.

Huh?

Why was it soft?

I secretly opened one eye and saw Zhang Jingxing holding an umbrella, standing in front of me with his face slightly red. I looked up at him, wanting to remind him that his umbrella was crooked, but I wasn’t that foolish. His crooked umbrella was just blocking the snow for me.

I quietly moved toward him, looked down at the black fox fur on my body, and felt deep disdain for his aesthetic sense.

I thought that in the future, when the Imperial Wardrobe Bureau made clothes for me, I would have them make some for Zhang Jingxing too. He shouldn’t always wear black, like a crow.

Thinking about this, I lost consciousness, still wondering about the soft thing I had felt on my lips just before.

When I woke up, there was no one in the room, but I wanted to drink water and had to get it myself.

I must have been sick—my head was dizzy and very uncomfortable. I wanted to tell the Empress Dowager I was sick. Just as I reached the entrance to the Empress Dowager’s sleeping quarters, I heard voices inside.

That was my elder sister’s voice!

Elder sister had come to see me again!

Elder sister had said that when others are talking, one shouldn’t interrupt, so I obediently stood at the door waiting for them to finish talking before going in.

Elder sister said, “Young General Zhao annihilated over a hundred thousand enemy troops, took the head of the Western Barbarian Khan, and died in service himself.”

The Empress Dowager said to posthumously ennoble him as First Rank Loyal and Brave Marquis.

They talked for a long time. I got tired of standing outside. I decided to go back first, elder sister would look for me when she entered the palace.

I waited from dawn until dusk, but never saw elder sister.

When it got dark, the Empress Dowager came and asked why I hadn’t eaten. I missed the meat buns from our gate too much. I hadn’t eaten meat buns for seven years.

I cried and said my legs hurt. The Empress Dowager gently held me in her arms and didn’t say anything.

—

When the palace trees’ leaves turned yellow, Zhang Jingxing was assassinated.

I told him not to go hunting, but he wouldn’t listen to me and insisted on taking me along!

We rode horses into the deep forest. I asked him to catch a rabbit for me, so we went looking for rabbits.

Then we found a group of men in black. I noticed everyone liked wearing black—a whole flock of crows!

They held knives. I said, “This is the Emperor.”

They said, “We’re here to kill the Emperor.”

Emmm…

Since it had nothing to do with me, I should leave first.

I swear I was planning to run away, but there were branches on the ground and I tripped.

I happened to fall on Zhang Jingxing.

This wouldn’t have been a problem.

But why did that black crow have to swing his knife down right then?!

I thought, since I had already been cut, I might as well take a few more cuts so Zhang Jingxing could quickly escape and call the Empress Dowager to save us.

But Zhang Jingxing didn’t seem to think this way. He insisted on fighting those people.

Sure enough, emperors’ thought processes are different from normal people like me.

So I got captured.

Don’t ask me why I got captured—anyway, they caught me.

One of the men in black told Zhang Jingxing to put down his sword, or they would kill me.

I wanted to say, “Big brother, threatening Zhang Jingxing with me is useless. Those storylines in storybooks are terrible and fake.”

But I couldn’t speak because I had lost too much blood. I might die.

I was going to die without ever eating meat buns.

I hated Zhang Jingxing. I told him not to go hunting!

I saw Zhang Jingxing seemed to have the intention of putting down his sword. Could I agree to that?!

What would he fight with if he had no sword?

“Zhang Jingxing, are you brain-damaged?!” After shouting this, I immediately regretted it. After all, he was still an emperor. Cursing him in front of so many people—the Empress Dowager would make me go outside to look at the scenery again.

Sigh, my big mouth again!

I was already dizzy, and the man in black holding me was chattering in my ear. My temper flared, and I told him to shut up, but he wouldn’t listen and said he would trade Zhang Jingxing’s life for mine.

I never knew my life was worth so much.

Although I didn’t want to die, the Qi Kingdom needed an emperor after all. The Empress Dowager was old and couldn’t train another emperor like she had trained Zhang Jingxing.

Moreover, elder sister had said that our Zhao family had been loyal for generations, and every descendant should guard the Qi Kingdom’s eternal stability and peace. If the emperor were gone, where would the peace come from?

I steeled my heart—then I’ll die!

So I gathered my strength and charged toward the sword in front of me.

The man in black seemed not to have expected I would do this. Startled, he pulled back his hand, but the sword still pierced into my body.

Hiss.

It hurt.

In a daze, I heard Zhang Jingxing calling me. He shouted so loudly his voice cracked.

I’m not deaf…

I felt that this year, when I was thirteen, was a tragic year. At the beginning of the year, I fainted in the snow and my legs weren’t working well. After recovering for half a year, I got stabbed with a sword.

When I first woke up, it was ten days after the assassination attempt. I woke up at a bad time—it made Zhang Jingxing run over to see me before morning court even ended.

I quickly had Zhirong call the Empress Dowager over because I was afraid Zhang Jingxing might kill me to silence me since I had cursed him in front of so many people.

But he didn’t. He grabbed my hand, looking very agitated.

So he wanted to crush me to death.

Wuu wuu wuu.

He said I couldn’t do this again in the future.

I nodded, wanting to pull my hand away, but I couldn’t.

He was gripping me so painfully.

Sigh, my heart was so tired.

He kept saying I couldn’t do this again in the future. It was the first time I saw him shed tears, which scared me badly.

Wasn’t it just cursing him once in public? This was forced by circumstances—I had to curse. How could an emperor’s heart be so fragile?

“Zhao Wan’er, you are not allowed to do such things again in the future.”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

The Empress Dowager’s arrival rescued me.

I flexed my fingers—good, they weren’t broken.

The Empress Dowager also had reddened eyes when she saw me. She asked if I still hurt, if I felt uncomfortable anywhere, and what I wanted to eat.

Butterfly shrimp rolls, ginger fish slices, five-spice young pigeon, eight-treasure wild duck, Buddha’s hand golden rolls, roasted chicken, shark fin crab soup, mountain delicacies with dragon sprouts…

Of course, while I wanted to eat these things, I really couldn’t eat much of anything.

I said I wanted to see my elder sister.

The Empress Dowager said In a few more days, in a few more days, I could see my elder sister.

I didn’t believe it at all. The longest time in the world is the “few more days” that people talk about.

So I said I wanted to eat osmanthus cakes.

I wasn’t stabbed to death, but I lay in bed for three months before my wounds healed somewhat.

Zhang Jingxing came to see me every day after court. I wanted to say I could feed myself.

But thinking about how I had cursed him, I didn’t dare speak.

He was punishing me in this way, knowing I was full but didn’t dare say so, yet still feeding me every day.

I visibly gained a whole circle of weight.

What was worse, Zhirong was afraid I’d be bored and tried to amuse me by telling jokes. But her memory wasn’t very good either—she could tell the same joke five or six times. When she saw that I didn’t laugh, she would feel sad herself.

Poor me, I had to put on a show and laugh heartily every time.

I endured these bitter days for three months, finally welcoming another New Year for the Qi Kingdom.

What did New Year’s arrival mean?

It meant the Imperial Wardrobe Bureau would come to make new clothes for me again!

I happily told the Imperial Wardrobe Bureau’s head palace maid what style of clothes I wanted. The Empress Dowager said I could have as many as I wanted this year.

After discussing part of it, I got a bit tired and told them to come back tomorrow.

After lunch, my elder sister came.

Sure enough, as I expected, my elder sister cried again when she saw me.

Sigh, she probably thought her little sister originally just had a bad brain, but now had become a fat person with a bad brain.

Elder sister said Mother was ill and had moved to a Taoist temple to recuperate. I gnawed on a chicken leg while nodding, regretting in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to eat braised rabbit heads in the future.

I wanted to ask why she didn’t come to see me that day when she came to the palace, but I was afraid my elder sister would cry again if I asked, so I didn’t dare speak.

I told my elder sister I wanted to go out and look at the snow. Elder sister wouldn’t let me, saying my wounds hadn’t healed yet. I nodded and made no other requests.

The Empress Dowager specially permitted my elder sister to stay in the palace overnight to accompany me. I was overjoyed and felt that even the medicine was sweet.

I drank the medicine with a smile, seeing Zhang Jingxing looking at me with a complex expression. I thought he probably found my medicine-drinking posture unseemly, but it didn’t matter—I was in a good mood today and wouldn’t argue with him.

I pulled elder sister to lie on the bed with me, telling her about things in the palace—from waiting for Zhang Jingxing to eat breakfast in the morning, to copying Buddhist scriptures and learning etiquette every day, to having Zhirong secretly make midnight snacks when I was hungry at night. I told her everything in detail.

Elder sister looked at me gently with a smile on her lips. Elder sister was truly beautiful—when she smiled, she had two little dimples by her mouth. I felt no one could be more beautiful than elder sister.

We talked until midnight and finally couldn’t hold out any longer and fell asleep. When I woke up the next day, elder sister had already left, leaving behind a table of dishes she had made herself.

While eating, I accidentally burned my tongue, and when I drank water, I tore open my wound. The pain made me cry uncontrollably.

I cried for a long time. Even after the medical woman treated my wound, I was still crying. Zhirong held me in her arms to comfort me.

I asked Zhirong what to do—I was in so much pain and so sad.

Zhirong said it would get better soon, told me to endure a little more, it would get better soon.

—

I endured and endured.

I endured until the nineteenth year of Jinghui’s reign, when my wounds healed.

Many things happened that year. First, one day, I was in the Empress Dowager’s palace, accompanying her in a game of chess. Just as I was struggling over whether to change sides or risk everything, someone burst into the palace.

To be precise, many people burst in.

It scared me so much that I dropped my black piece onto the chessboard. I had no time to look and quickly shielded the Empress Dowager behind me.

Then we were both captured.

We were dragged outside. I felt they didn’t understand respecting the elderly and caring for the young at all. The Empress Dowager was an elderly person—couldn’t they be gentler?

I said this too, but no one paid attention to me.

Fine, it didn’t matter.

Outside, I saw a person dressed in white robes standing there. I thought if he stood together with Zhang Jingxing, they would be like the Black and White Impermanence from storybooks.

That person looked somewhat similar to Zhang Jingxing. He asked the Empress Dowager where Zhang Jingxing was.

The Empress Dowager ignored him, so he asked me.

If his mother didn’t know, how could I know?

I felt this person’s brain wasn’t as good as Zhang Jingxing’s, so I didn’t want to talk to him.

When I ignored him, he laughed. His brain wasn’t working well.

He asked how old I was. I knew this—I said fourteen.

He said Perfect, and asked if I wanted to marry him.

What did I say? His brain wasn’t working well.

We had just met—why would I want to marry him?

He said the Zhao family daughters were more beautiful than each other.

I felt now not only was his brain not working well, but his eyesight was also bad.

From childhood to now, no one has ever said I was beautiful. In our Zhao family, only the elder sister was beautiful.

I asked if he wanted to marry me because I was beautiful.

He said yes.

I suddenly felt he was quite nice too, because Zhang Jingxing had never said I was beautiful.

I wanted him to praise me more, but before I could speak, an arrow pierced through his body. Blood sprayed onto me, dirtying my new dress.

I thought he was a very formidable villain, but never expected him to die so carelessly.

With the leader dead, the remaining minions were leaderless and were quickly subdued.

Later, I learned that for all these years, the Empress Dowager and Zhang Jingxing had been fighting against him. Too many voices in court supported making him king.

But now that he was dead, those who supported him were also dead. Now, no one dared say Zhang Jingxing couldn’t sit on the throne.

Later, I asked my elder sister what that person’s name was. I should at least know the name of the first person who praised my beauty. Elder sister said his name was Zhang Jingqing.

Zhang Jingqing, Zhang Jingqing.

I felt like I had heard this name somewhere before, but couldn’t remember.

Elder sister said what you can’t remember isn’t important, so don’t think about it anymore.

I believed her completely.

After another month, Father returned. Elder sister accompanied him into the palace to see me.

I didn’t know Father—since I could remember, there had never been such a person as Father around me. But when he saw me, he cried.

He was also handsome. It seemed our family had good genes.

He gently embraced me. His shoulders were broad and could completely envelop me. The stubble on his face pricked me a bit painfully.

He said, “Wan’er has grown so big.”

So this was a father’s embrace. The atmosphere was probably too somber—I cried, too.

I suddenly remembered when I was little, I envied others who had fathers who could hold them and lift them high. But I didn’t have one, so I cried and made a fuss at home. Big brother smiled and picked me up, saying, “Our baby also has a father. While Father isn’t here, big brother will hold you first.”

Big brother held me and spun me around several times. Now it was Father’s turn to hold me.

I was a bit annoyed with myself for only remembering now. If it had been a few years earlier, at that clan banquet, I would have rushed into big brother’s arms and said I remembered him.

Father sat with me for a while before leaving, because men couldn’t stay long in the rear palace.

A few days later, Zhang Jingxing held a selection of consorts. This was his first consort selection in nineteen years since ascending the throne, so it was particularly grand.

The Empress Dowager asked me to help him select. I agreed with a smile.

I was going to select very ugly ones for Zhang Jingxing, with bad tempers too. Select many such women to torment him to death.

Of course, I only thought this secretly in my heart and didn’t dare say it out loud.

I put on my new dress and went with the Empress Dowager. Zhang Jingxing seemed to turn cold when he saw me.

I felt he might have seen through my little schemes.

I was wrong.

Because there weren’t any ugly ones at all, nor any with bad tempers. Everyone was very beautiful with pleasant voices, looking very gentle.

I shook my head disappointedly. Zhang Jingxing seemed a bit happy seeing my reaction. He asked what was wrong.

I said there didn’t seem to be any suitable for you. He asked what kind of woman would be suitable for me.

Ugly as salt, extremely hideous, broad shoulders and thick waist, foul-mouthed.

Of course, I definitely wouldn’t say these words. I thought for a very long time and squeezed out the phrase “pleasing to the eye.”

Zhang Jingxing waved his hand grandly—not one woman from this group was kept.

In the end, the Empress Dowager still selected four, and I selected two.

The emperor’s first consort selection ended with a miserable record of six people.

A few days later, I was still playing chess in the Empress Dowager’s palace when she asked if I wanted to continue staying in the palace.

I held the black piece and looked at the chessboard for a long time, then said, I don’t want to.

She asked my reason.

I hadn’t been home for eight years. I didn’t know if the meat bun shop at our gate was still there, whether Mother’s illness had recovered, or whether A’Qing was still waiting for me to come back and have snowball fights with her.

I said, because I don’t want to wear new clothes anymore.

After saying this, I heard palace maids’ panicked greetings. Turning my head, I saw a flash of bright yellow disappear at the doorway.

It was probably August, right when Osmanthus cakes were popular, when my elder sister came.

This time was different—the elder sister finally didn’t cry. She smiled and reached out her hand to me, gently saying, “Little Wan’er, sister has come to take you home.”

I stood there dazedly, the jade bracelet in my hand falling with a clear sound.

Elder sister and I walked hand in hand to the palace gate, where Father was waiting for us. I looked curiously at the fine horse beside him. Father said his name was Thunderstorm, an old friend who had been through life and death with him.

He also introduced me to Thunderstorm, saying I was his youngest daughter.

Just as we were about to leave, the imperial procession arrived. Zhang Jingxing asked if I truly wanted to leave.

Wasn’t I just going back to my own home…

I told him to be a good emperor in the future and not throw things at the drop of a hat, or it would implicate others in suffering.

He asked if I would come back.

I thought about it and said, We’ll see.

He looked very sad.

I understood—he was worried that after I left the palace, I would spread stories about him wetting the bed when he was twelve, farting while practicing horse stance when he was thirteen, and secretly reading storybooks at night when he was fourteen.

I sat on Father’s Thunderstorm and waved at him. Seeing him staring at me continuously, I told him I wouldn’t spread your embarrassing stories.

He still looked at me.

Emmm, he probably didn’t believe me.

Was I such an untrustworthy person?

—

The first thing after returning home was to buy meat buns to eat. I led Zhirong along the path from my childhood, searching several rounds but never seeing anyone selling buns. Zhirong said they probably had something to do today and didn’t come.

I nodded in agreement, already deciding in my heart not to look for them again in the future.

We turned a corner and went to the pastry shop in the south of the city to buy osmanthus cakes. Passing by a teahouse, we got a private room and sat listening to music.

I told Zhirong that the osmanthus cakes weren’t as good as those in the palace. Zhirong didn’t know what she was thinking and didn’t respond to me.

Downstairs was a storyteller. I leaned on the railing, listening to him. He said the current emperor had reigned for nineteen years since ascending the throne as an infant. Four years ago, the Empress Dowager had been ruling from behind the curtain, contending with various important ministers of the previous emperor. The ministers promoted Zhang Jingqing as emperor, and some even rebelled from the Western Barbarians. Fortunately, the Zhao family army fought to the death to resist.

It could be said that the emperor’s kingdom was preserved by the Zhao family’s full effort, and the Zhao family lost their only legitimate son because of this.

He also said the Zhao family’s legitimate daughter, Zhao Ruohua, was devastatingly beautiful. With no men in the family, she alone supported the Zhao family for over a decade, truly worthy to be called a woman of valor.

Then he spoke of the Zhao family’s youngest daughter, Zhao Wan’er, who had been raised in the deep palace from childhood for eight years without leaving the palace, having seen only her elder sister among family members.

Listening to this, I felt he was wrong—I had seen Big Brother.

This storyteller was unprofessional. I disdained to listen anymore and pulled Zhirong away, not wanting the osmanthus cakes either.

Previously, A’Qing always came to find me to play. She had told me that if I wanted to find her, I should go to the Prince’s Manor in the south of the city.

When I went, the manor gate was closed with two pieces of paper pasted on it. When I knocked, no one answered. I felt A’Qing must be angry with me because I hadn’t fulfilled my promise to her for eight years.

I asked an old grandmother on the roadside where the people of this household were.

She said this family had been gone long ago and asked who I was looking for.

I said I was looking for A’Qing, a fair and tender little girl.

The old grandmother shook her head, saying this family never had any girls. There was once a prince whose name was also Qing, the emperor’s brother, but he rebelled a few months ago and was killed.

His household was also confiscated.

I told Zhirong this wasn’t A’Qing’s home—the A’Qing who had snowball fights with me was a girl.

Zhirong still didn’t respond to me. I was a bit angry.

I told her to search some more, but she stopped me, saying it was time to go home for dinner.

I thought I could search again tomorrow.

The next day, Father and elder sister took me to the Taoist temple to find Mother. Mother’s health was really poor—she cried when she saw me.

Seeing Mother cry, the elder sister cried too.

Seeing elder sister and Mother both crying, Father’s eyes also reddened.

I thought I couldn’t be the only one not crying, so I cried too.

Everyone is crying together—a family should be complete and orderly.

After crying for a while, Father probably felt the sad atmosphere could end now.

So he told us about things at the border. Elder sister also talked about things at home. I was afraid that talking about palace matters would make them cry again, so I simply didn’t speak.

Mother was seriously ill and wouldn’t return home—we also didn’t know why.

Elder sister could only have Nanny He take better care of her and send a servant to Zhao Manor immediately if anything happened.

In the following days, I lived just like in the palace—copying Buddhist scriptures, practicing calligraphy, and reading books. Sometimes, when I saw something interesting in books and wanted to tell Zhang Jingxing about it, I would suddenly realize I was no longer in the palace.

The New Year came again. This time I could finally spend New Year with my family.

We brought Mother back from the Taoist temple and set off many firecrackers. Father said to set off more to drive away the bad luck from the house.

I wore a dress elder sister had made herself, as beautiful as those in the palace.

Mother’s health had improved somewhat, and she made the braised rabbit heads I had longed for.

I saw Father drinking wine and secretly took a small sip. It was so spicy that I drank lots of water, making them all laugh.

After eating our fill, we sat in the courtyard watching other families set off fireworks. I leaned against my elder sister, and she tickled me.

Snow began to fall. The snow at home was truly beautiful, falling slowly down, not cold at all.

I said if A’Qing were here, I could have snowball fights with her.

Elder sister’s smile froze on her face, but only for an instant. She continued smiling and said she would accompany me tomorrow.

I nodded emphatically, agreeing that whoever lost couldn’t eat plum cakes for a day.

Father and Mother snuggled together, laughing as they watched us. This was what a real New Year should be like.

Mother didn’t make it through that winter after all. There was no helping it—her health was too weak.

Elder sister cried until she was exhausted, lying by her bedside. I stood behind elder sister, looking at her—she seemed to have no strength even to open her eyes.

I asked Mother, won’t we see each other anymore in the future?

Mother didn’t answer me, just shed a tear from the corner of her eye.

She touched my hand with her thin, weak hand, then stopped breathing.

Elder sister cried so heartbrokenly. I had never seen elder sister like this. Father also seemed to have aged ten years overnight.

Birth, aging, sickness, and death were very normal things. In the palace, people died and got sick every day, and they weren’t so sad about it.

I had even seen a palace maid trying to seduce Zhang Jingxing. When the Empress Dowager discovered it, she was stripped and beaten with rods at the entrance to Ci Ning Palace. All the palace maids watched as fresh blood dyed her red, but the others weren’t sad.

When I was nearly dying, I wasn’t that sad either.

I told elder sister it was okay, she still had me and Father.

I probably said the wrong thing again, because after I finished speaking, elder sister cried until she fainted.

Sigh, I talked too much.

Mother’s funeral was held quietly.

The day Mother was buried, Father drank all night. After elder sister fainted and woke up again, she never shed another tear.

Everything seemed just like before, day after day passed, and I came of age.

The peach blossoms at home also bloomed. Elder sister specially changed me into a pink dress, saying I looked like a peach blossom fairy.

I looked at myself in the mirror—indeed quite beautiful.

Elder sister said after coming of age, I was a grown young lady. She asked what kind of man I liked.

I thought for a while and said, one who treats me well.

That day, Zhang Jingxing also came. None of us expected he would come, scaring the guests into kneeling all over the ground.

I hadn’t seen him for a long time. He had become somewhat more handsome.

I lifted my skirt and ran over, smiling as I said to him, “You came to see me!”

He was still as aloof as before, but this time he acknowledged me. He said that because I didn’t go see him, he came.

I pulled him toward the main seat. Halfway there, I suddenly let go of his hand and knelt toward him.

He was startled and asked what I was doing.

I said paying respects.

Elder sister had said that in the future, when I saw Zhang Jingxing, I must pay my respects. She had repeated it to me so many times that my ears were getting calluses.

After that, he stayed at my house until midnight, talking with Father in a small room. I wanted to eavesdrop but was pulled away by my elder sister.

After he left, Father asked if I wanted to enter the palace again—the Empress Dowager was ill.

I nodded without hesitation, then saw elder sister’s reddened eyes again.

—

On the tenth day after my coming of age, the emperor married.

The emperor and I married together.

When elder sister was dressing me in the phoenix robe, I told her this was the most beautiful outfit I had ever worn.

Elder sister smiled slightly and painted a peach blossom on my forehead, saying I was the most beautiful person she had ever seen.

I didn’t believe it—my elder sister herself was the most beautiful person. I asked elder sister when she planned to get married.

Elder sister thought for a moment and said, with Mother gone and me entering the palace, if she also married, Father would be alone, guarding the vast Zhao Manor, and would be lonely.

I nodded and said if she wanted to marry, she should tell me, and I would come back to keep Father company.

Elder sister smiled and said I was silly.

Zhang Jingxing and I walked up the thousand steps together. This journey was somewhat long and a bit boring. I asked him if I was silly.

He seemed to be in a very good mood, even the corners of his mouth carried a smile. Heaven knows how difficult it was to make him smile.

He said, “Wan’er is not silly.”

His calling me “Wan’er” gave me goosebumps all over. I felt I shouldn’t seek abuse for myself, and wisely shut my mouth.

The next day, when he went to court, it was very quiet. I slept until the sun was high before getting up. After getting up, I wanted to go see the Empress Dowager, but Zhirong said I couldn’t yet—the palace consorts needed to pay respects to me.

I didn’t know them—why were they paying respects to me?

But elder sister had said that after entering the palace, I should listen to Zhirong more, and Zhirong’s words were elder sister’s words.

The palace consorts were still those six people, though they had all been promoted one rank since I left the palace last time. They all said in unison, “We pay respects to Her Majesty the Empress.” They were truly beautiful—six beautiful people sitting before me made all unhappiness disappear.

I said in the future, if there was anything, they could come find me. But today I had to go to the Empress Dowager’s place. I gave them some gifts and let them return first.

As soon as they left, I followed and went to Ci Ning Palace. When Granny Zhang saw me, she was so excited she almost forgot to pay respects. I quickly helped her up—she had watched me grow up, so how could I let her bow to me?

The Empress Dowager was indeed ill, lying in bed with her face visibly thinner. When she saw me, she reached out her hand. I held her hand and smiled, telling her I had returned.

I talked with her all morning. Zhang Jingxing also came to Ci Ning Palace for lunch after handling government affairs.

Granny Zhang said that since I came, the Empress Dowager was in better spirits and ate half a bowl more rice. I was also happy, and even listening to Zhang Jingxing tell historical stories didn’t feel boring.

Then I returned to my previous life, copying Buddhist scriptures, reading books, and practicing calligraphy every day, just moving from Ci Ning Palace to Fengqi Palace.

I would also accompany the Empress Dowager in conversation daily and ask her about palace matters I didn’t understand.

It’s just that I was too stupid and couldn’t learn no matter how she taught me.

The Empress Dowager would smile helplessly every time, never getting angry.

I told her she must live to be a hundred years old, because if she weren’t here, what would Wan’er do all alone?

The Empress Dowager smiled and promised me, even making a pinky promise with me.

In the autumn of the twentieth year of Jinghui’s reign, Consort Chen of Pingqing Palace became pregnant, and Zhang Jingxing promoted her to Imperial Consort.

Following elder sister’s instructions, I summoned Imperial Consort Chen to Fengqi Palace and advised her to watch her diet and take good care of her pregnancy.

She nodded obediently with gentle eyes.

This was the first child since Zhang Jingxing ascended the throne. I told elder sister I must take it seriously and absolutely couldn’t let anything happen. Elder sister smiled faintly and told me to pay attention to my health.

Whether that child could be born depended entirely on the Chen family’s fate.

I didn’t quite understand this statement, but elder sister didn’t explain further.

The Empress Dowager asked if I wanted to have a child. I shook my head, saying I hadn’t grown up myself, so how could I raise a child?

The Empress Dowager smiled without saying anything.

The Qi Kingdom welcomed another New Year. I felt being empress was too exhausting—I had to manage when consorts were pregnant, their monthly allowances, palace staff assignments, and I was fully responsible for the New Year family banquet.

I didn’t want to be an empress.

I told this to the Empress Dowager, who sent Granny Zhang to help me. She arranged things while I learned, which was much easier.

Zhang Jingxing kept serving me food, but fortunately, he didn’t tell historical stories, so I could still eat.

I was curious where he got so many historical stories that he could tell them for nine years without repeating.

Each palace consort said congratulatory words. After thinking for a long time, I raised my wine cup and quietly said to Zhang Jingxing:

“I wish Your Majesty a hundred years of life and happiness every day.”

Zhang Jingxing laughed and toasted me back: “I wish the Empress everything goes as she wishes.”

I made a pinky promise with him.

“No changing for a hundred years.”

Because I drank too much, I slept until the sun was high again the next day. The first thing I did was go see the Empress Dowager.

When I arrived, Zhang Jingxing was already at Ci Ning Palace. I bounced over and asked the Empress Dowager how she slept last night.

Thanks to the New Year’s joyful atmosphere, the Empress Dowager’s health had improved considerably. After my persistent insistence, the Empress Dowager finally agreed to let the Imperial Physician examine her again.

The Imperial Physician said the Empress Dowager was just overthinking and worrying too much. She would be fine with a good rest—there was nothing seriously wrong.

I confirmed this several times and forced the Imperial Physician to swear before letting him leave.

After doing all this, I saw the Empress Dowager looking at me with a smile. I smiled back at her, lying across her lap, playing with the sash on her clothes, chatting with the Empress Dowager about this and that.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed some fruit nearby. I pointed at it casually and said, “Zhang Jingxing, peel it for me.”

Zhang Jingxing raised an eyebrow but started peeling it and handed it to me. I took it and held it to the Empress Dowager’s mouth, and she ate it with a smile.

“Borrowing flowers to offer to Buddha.”

Where was this little pig talking from?

I rolled my eyes at him and told him to continue peeling.

A few days later, just as I was about to visit the Empress Dowager, Imperial Consort Chen came.

I looked at her slightly protruding belly with curiosity and couldn’t help reaching out to touch it. There would be a little child inside.

After playing for a while, Imperial Consort Chen finally told me the purpose of her visit.

To put it bluntly, Zhang Jingxing was a scumbag—someone was pregnant with his child, yet he didn’t even go see her.

I nodded to show I understood. Imperial Consort Chen left happily, and I also happily went to see the Empress Dowager.

In the evening, when Zhang Jingxing came to my palace, I told him to go to Pingqing Palace to see Imperial Consort Chen.

Zhang Jingxing looked at me for a long time, then said, “Fine.”

Then he left.

This man was really strange—why was he angry?

But it was good that he left—now no one would fight me for the blanket.

A few days later, envoys from Xilu entered the palace to celebrate the New Year. I was dragged up early by Zhirong to dress up.

Xilu was the country that had helped the Zhao family army defeat the Western Barbarian enemies—a friendly nation to the Qi Kingdom.

The little princess of Xilu seemed very curious about me. I kept noticing her glancing at me from time to time.

Halfway through the reception banquet, I told Zhang Jingxing I would take the little princess for a tour.

We walked casually through the palace. She asked how I could tell these palaces apart when they all looked the same.

I was stunned for a moment and told her that after staying here long enough, you could tell them apart.

I brought her to my palace to play for a while. She gave me a whistle, saying it was a gift for me.

Zhirong took the little princess away. I looked at this whistle for a long time. When Zhang Jingxing returned, and asked what it was.

I showed it to him. He played with it, and I vaguely saw a character “Wan” on it, bold and powerful.

When there were still three months until delivery, Imperial Consort Chen’s child couldn’t be saved.

I heard that Consort An had bumped into Imperial Consort Chen. Imperial Consort Chen’s palace maid was indignant and accidentally injured Imperial Consort Chen during the scuffle.

When I arrived, Imperial Consort Chen was still being treated. Consort An and the palace servants knelt on the ground. When they saw me come, Consort An tearfully told me she was wronged.

I asked how she was wronged. She only said Imperial Consort Chen was unreasonable first, but couldn’t say anything else.

Zhang Jingxing looked quite angry. He ordered the palace maid beside Consort An to be beaten to death, demoted Consort An to commoner status, and sent her to the Cold Palace.

To comfort Imperial Consort Chen, he promoted her to Noble Consort.

I found it strange—he hadn’t shown such concern when she was pregnant, but now that she had miscarried, he was so furious.

Tsk tsk tsk, men.

I stayed at Pingqing Palace for half the night. Noble Consort Chen finally woke up.

The first thing she did upon waking was look at her belly, then she broke down crying.

I didn’t know how to comfort her and didn’t dare speak. The last time I comforted my elder sister, she cried until she fainted.

I’d better not speak—the more I said, the more mistakes I’d make.

She cried for an hour before remembering me. She apologized, saying she was overcome with grief and hoped Her Majesty the Empress wouldn’t blame her.

I thought to myself, she lost her child and should rightfully be sad—why would I blame her?

I told her it was fine, that she should take good care of her health, because one’s own body was the foundation of everything.

I coaxed her to sleep some more.

After all this commotion, by the time I left Pingqing Palace, dawn was almost breaking.

I looked at the pale fish-belly white sky in the distance and asked Zhirong why Consort An, who usually had a bit of a temper but wasn’t a troublemaker, would bump into her.

Zhirong didn’t speak. I thought for a while and seemed to understand, yet also seemed not to understand.

Forget it, time to go back and sleep.

There were already a few people in the palace, and now there was one fewer. I went to ask the Empress Dowager if we should hold another consort selection. The Empress Dowager put down her brush and told me that consort selections were held once every three years.

I thought about it all night, then ran to find the Empress Dowager to suggest having court ministers send their daughters into the palace.

The Empress Dowager was silent for a while, then asked why I wanted to do this.

Of course, it was to find more women for Zhang Jingxing—otherwise, with all this mutual harm, the palace would soon be empty.

I said, “For our great Qi Kingdom, to flourish and prosper.”

The Empress Dowager asked if I had His Majesty in my heart.

Of course I did—otherwise why would I be going around finding women for him for no reason?

I said, “Yes.”

The Empress Dowager gently stroked my hair and sighed, saying I still hadn’t grown up.

“I’m already sixteen years old. Why does everyone always say I’m still a child?” I lay on the table with an unhappy expression.

Elder sister put peeled grapes into my mouth and asked if I knew why Noble Consort Chen’s child couldn’t be born.

I was silent for a while and shook my head.

After half a year of selection, I chose twelve women to enter the palace. I took their portraits to ask the Empress Dowager’s opinion, but she didn’t look and said my decision was fine.

Zhang Jingxing ignored me for several days because I found a woman for him. I felt he was probably embarrassed—he was thin-skinned. But it didn’t matter, I would handle it!

Otherwise, sitting in this empress position without doing anything would seem too irresponsible.

I brought these twelve young ladies into the palace, personally arranged their ranks and residences, then asked Granny Zhang for her opinion. After receiving praise, I was happy for a long time.

At night, when I was bored, I played with the whistle the Xilu princess had given me. After playing for a while, a palace maid came to change my tea, then knelt before me.

I wiped my face and smiled, telling her to get up, saying sand had gotten in my eyes and asking her not to tell anyone because it was too embarrassing.

Zhirong told me that Zhang Jingxing went to Lady He’s place tonight. I nodded.

The next morning, Zhirong said Lady He was promoted to Beauty He. I nodded.

A few days later, Zhirong said Concubine Song was promoted to Consort Song.

A few days later, Zhirong said Attendant Li was promoted to Lady Li.

Consort Shen Wanyi was promoted to Noble Consort Shen Wanrong.

Baolin Yu was promoted to Attendant Yu.

I lay on the beauty couch in the Empress Dowager’s sleeping quarters and told her it seemed Zhang Jingxing was quite satisfied with the consorts I selected for him.

The Empress Dowager asked how long it had been since Zhang Jingxing visited Fengqi Palace. I said he came just the day before yesterday.

The Great Qi Kingdom’s regulations stated that on the fifteenth and thirtieth of each month, the emperor must visit the empress’s quarters.